Hello again
I really am just about to give up completely. Not happing anymore. Can't get out of this mess.. I was doing OK a few months ago. Everything seemed fine. A job, a roommate that wasn't around much, What more can a person ask for .. That is all I need.
I really don't need much. I don't care if I have a girlfriend or not. OK I do care a little bit, it has been a long time since I had a steady relationship. But who wants a man as messed up as I am. Who has nothing and is about to be kicked out of his place. Yes I did say about to be kicked out of my place. The landlord called me this evening, stating that most people pay their rent on time, don't get behind. Not as I am anyways. But I had to quick talk to get myself a little time to get caught up on this. As I did with my bills. I still need to go into the insurance place tomorrow and tell them not to put the payment through the bank, or it will bounce again. I just got all of that straightened out, and now again.
Now, being as desperate as I am, I am about to give up completely. I really don't know what to do. I pray each night for a financial miracle, but nothing. I don't need allot. Yes I do need funds for a new denture for my bottom teeth. So others don't see the missing (3) missing teeth. (Which I feel is holding me back from getting a job in the first place) That is why I have been putting the gofundme link up, anewmesmile. That is not the most pressing issue at hand. It is not becoming homeless, again. A few years ago I was homeless, I just never said anything to anyone. Slept on peoples couches for a few months, until I found a room. And I had to put my things in storage. Which, it looks like I might have to do that again. There is $150. a month again, or more,as I have more now. Something I really can't afford either.
I can't lift hardly anything. It is hard for me to even cook. Lifting the pots and pans. Chopping etc... Now moving anything will prove impossible. I just can't do it. I am afraid of What damage it might cause. I already have pins and needles through out my body. Can't keep my knee's bent, or it is difficult to walk afterwards.
What I need to get caught up and keep living in a home is not allot. But not allot is way more than I have. I will be on the phone next week trying to find any help I can get. I am awaiting something, OK disability, if I get this I will be able to live, just live, until I find a less expensive place, or I get into the subsidizes places I have applied to. this is why I put my mailing address after each post, I will not be able to afford that either, after January 13, 2017. And the place I live doesn't give me my mail on time or not at all. I know I have several letters coming here, but haven't got them.. Tonight, while speaking with the landlord, I asked if there was mail for me, they told me one letter. So where is the rest of my mail. That is why I have a mail box, because I don't trust them to give me my mail. And I am rights.
I put the address up to see if I might get some help from someone or assistance in some way or another. I will keep putting the address up until the 13 th of January.
I just don't know what to do. Stay in White Rock. It is OK, nothing going on after, well 7 pm at night. But Ok none the less. I don't have to stay here, I moved here because mom was living out here. So I don't have to stay in White Rock now. This I have no idea on at all. The problem being, my doctor is out here, and I like him, my church's are out here and I like them and all the other things I am hooked up with are out here. The doctor is more important. It is very difficult, in Vancouver, to find a family doctor. Allot of people just use the walk in clinics.
So here I am, just before new years eve, our time, and I am on my last straw, leg etc....
God Bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V4B0A7
https://gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Please I beg of you to pray for me. I need all the help I can get right now. And to think a few short months ago, I was doing well. How quickly things turn for the worse.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Just pissed
Hello again
Maybe I am beyond the depressed stage, but I do know one thing I am just pissed off now. I am doing what I should be doing. Applying for jobs, being hurt and it is worse than I thought, Giving everything I can to the landlord, selling what I can sell . And what, nothing. I am behind in rent, bills, no bus fare, no nothing. A crappy, lonely Christmas. I can't type for any length of time without it hurting me greatly. And this is one thing I like to do. So now this accident is taking this to away from me. I will continue, no matter how much it hurt, to write this blog. Even if it takes hours to write this. Taking breaks.
I have no answer to any of this. Even Christmas day, after watching the movies, I applied for a few jobs and have been doing this since.
Does anyone have any idea what it feels like to have tingling in your body. Pain all the time. OK I can't lift shit. But I should be able to do something.
Didn't make it to the hospital today. I will try again tomorrow. Just way to busy for me to wait. Just to much pain for me to sit there and wait.
I can't keep this up for much longer. I am desperate. But the truth is no one gives a crap. This is obvious.
So I am out for tonight.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
V4B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Maybe I am beyond the depressed stage, but I do know one thing I am just pissed off now. I am doing what I should be doing. Applying for jobs, being hurt and it is worse than I thought, Giving everything I can to the landlord, selling what I can sell . And what, nothing. I am behind in rent, bills, no bus fare, no nothing. A crappy, lonely Christmas. I can't type for any length of time without it hurting me greatly. And this is one thing I like to do. So now this accident is taking this to away from me. I will continue, no matter how much it hurt, to write this blog. Even if it takes hours to write this. Taking breaks.
I have no answer to any of this. Even Christmas day, after watching the movies, I applied for a few jobs and have been doing this since.
Does anyone have any idea what it feels like to have tingling in your body. Pain all the time. OK I can't lift shit. But I should be able to do something.
Didn't make it to the hospital today. I will try again tomorrow. Just way to busy for me to wait. Just to much pain for me to sit there and wait.
I can't keep this up for much longer. I am desperate. But the truth is no one gives a crap. This is obvious.
So I am out for tonight.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
V4B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
I really don't know If I did.........
Hello again
Well I hope everyone had a good Christmas. You know what my Christmas was like. I wish it would of been different. I really do miss Christmas with my mother. I miss decorating her room. Making mom dinner. Watching mom enjoy the entire holiday season. It didn't matter to me if at my own home I only had a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree, with just a set of lights on it. All was good as I was never there, only to sleep, do laundry and cook. Other wise I was at mom's taking care of her.
Christmas was always great.Even this last Christmas.when mom was very ill and dying. I didn't want to believe it, but there was the truth. Yet we did have a good, as it could be, Christmas. Just writing about it is making me extremely sad. I miss my mommy, she was my best friend. I could always trust her for help when I am making a decision on something. Even when mom lost her voice, and everyone sad mom was gone. Meaning that the real Mary Rose Schmuland, was lost to Dementia, I still would get mom's opinion on things. Mom was not lost, she just had a stroke and do to these strokes, she lost her voice. Aphasia. Yet mom was still there, inside and could answer all questions and give a reply.
So my Christmas's were always great. But now I am without my mother and without Christmas. Yes I never received a Christmas gift nor did I have a Christmas dinner. It was never about me, always about making sure mom was having a great time.
This year I just thought, things could be a little different. That I could have a decent Christmas. OK I enjoyed my dinner that I made. Except I was alone, eating alone, watching a movie Christmas day. But and yes there is this big but, I would of liked a gift. I did reach out to different organizations for help. I did write to different shows, trying to win some prizes, I entered many, many contests Yet nothing. I really just wanted my first Christmas without my mother to be a way of helping me move forward,
I wish I wish I wish for something good in my life.
I am behind in my rent and bills, thanks to a roommate moving out. I just can't afford this place. I am trying to find another place to live.I just don't have the funds to move and I am extremely hurt. Moving will be very difficult for me and I don't have the help I need.
I am trying to fined a job, even though my doctors have told me that I can't work, if I do, my neck can get worse. Yet I need to work to survive. The insurance company is not going to help. Even if I am seriously hurt. Yes I can walk, but I am getting tingling throughout my body. And I am going to the hospital tomorrow. I don't care how long I have to sit and wait. I am going. I hate the hospital.
Since I can't lift anything for now, I am changing the direction of my job search. To one where I don't have to lift anything.
This has taken me over an hour to write, many breaks. I am out, I need to eat now.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
V4B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Well I hope everyone had a good Christmas. You know what my Christmas was like. I wish it would of been different. I really do miss Christmas with my mother. I miss decorating her room. Making mom dinner. Watching mom enjoy the entire holiday season. It didn't matter to me if at my own home I only had a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree, with just a set of lights on it. All was good as I was never there, only to sleep, do laundry and cook. Other wise I was at mom's taking care of her.
Christmas was always great.Even this last Christmas.when mom was very ill and dying. I didn't want to believe it, but there was the truth. Yet we did have a good, as it could be, Christmas. Just writing about it is making me extremely sad. I miss my mommy, she was my best friend. I could always trust her for help when I am making a decision on something. Even when mom lost her voice, and everyone sad mom was gone. Meaning that the real Mary Rose Schmuland, was lost to Dementia, I still would get mom's opinion on things. Mom was not lost, she just had a stroke and do to these strokes, she lost her voice. Aphasia. Yet mom was still there, inside and could answer all questions and give a reply.
So my Christmas's were always great. But now I am without my mother and without Christmas. Yes I never received a Christmas gift nor did I have a Christmas dinner. It was never about me, always about making sure mom was having a great time.
This year I just thought, things could be a little different. That I could have a decent Christmas. OK I enjoyed my dinner that I made. Except I was alone, eating alone, watching a movie Christmas day. But and yes there is this big but, I would of liked a gift. I did reach out to different organizations for help. I did write to different shows, trying to win some prizes, I entered many, many contests Yet nothing. I really just wanted my first Christmas without my mother to be a way of helping me move forward,
I wish I wish I wish for something good in my life.
I am behind in my rent and bills, thanks to a roommate moving out. I just can't afford this place. I am trying to find another place to live.I just don't have the funds to move and I am extremely hurt. Moving will be very difficult for me and I don't have the help I need.
I am trying to fined a job, even though my doctors have told me that I can't work, if I do, my neck can get worse. Yet I need to work to survive. The insurance company is not going to help. Even if I am seriously hurt. Yes I can walk, but I am getting tingling throughout my body. And I am going to the hospital tomorrow. I don't care how long I have to sit and wait. I am going. I hate the hospital.
Since I can't lift anything for now, I am changing the direction of my job search. To one where I don't have to lift anything.
This has taken me over an hour to write, many breaks. I am out, I need to eat now.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
V4B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Monday, December 26, 2016
A pathetic attempt
Hello again
So that is right, Christmas day was an absolute pathetic attempt at a holiday. I invited 4 people and no one showed up. 2 people didn't even call to give me an excuse. One was taking a nap, the other just didn't have an excuse.
I feel like the king in the bible who invited all of these people to dinner and all who were invited decided not to come. Lame excuses were given. So off he sent his servants to gather up all the towns folks to fill the castle...
I don't have a castle, and I don't know anyone.
Now, I had a turkey that was thawed out so it needed to be cooked. This I did. As I did mention, I made everything needed for a Christmas dinner, put it all on the table, filled my plate and sat down in front of a TV and watched two movies... I had two slices of the turkey breast and a leg. Plus something of everything else I cooked. Which was everything needed for a Christmas dinner. On top of this I made my home made cranberry sauce. Wow it was good. I can't stop eating this. On toast this morning.
Now tonight I will have another turkey dinner and tomorrow I will take everything off the bird and freeze it. To add to the other turkey in my freezer.
I set up my small tree, the one I used at my place in Coquitlam, the large tree I set up in mom's room, I decorated it and there it sat. Empty before Christmas and on Christmas day. Not a single gift under my tree. Nothing. This really made me feel good and wanted!!!!!!!!!!
Now let me sum this up... No one came for Christmas dinner, and under my tree was empty. I didn't even receive a call, text message or an email from anyone. Then again I don't know anyone...
OK on top of this all the work, making dinner, caused allot of pain. It was just to much for me to deal with. I am in so much pain today, my back. And I can barely move my neck. I have tingling in my arms and back. Sharp pain through my neck. I can't even raise my neck without it falling to the side. Typing is very difficult tonight.
It also looks like I need to find a new place to live. I am behind in my rent, bills etc... I really like this place.
Writing this blog is something I look forward to.
So I am out.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada
V3B0A7
Until January 13, 2017
http://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
So that is right, Christmas day was an absolute pathetic attempt at a holiday. I invited 4 people and no one showed up. 2 people didn't even call to give me an excuse. One was taking a nap, the other just didn't have an excuse.
I feel like the king in the bible who invited all of these people to dinner and all who were invited decided not to come. Lame excuses were given. So off he sent his servants to gather up all the towns folks to fill the castle...
I don't have a castle, and I don't know anyone.
Now, I had a turkey that was thawed out so it needed to be cooked. This I did. As I did mention, I made everything needed for a Christmas dinner, put it all on the table, filled my plate and sat down in front of a TV and watched two movies... I had two slices of the turkey breast and a leg. Plus something of everything else I cooked. Which was everything needed for a Christmas dinner. On top of this I made my home made cranberry sauce. Wow it was good. I can't stop eating this. On toast this morning.
Now tonight I will have another turkey dinner and tomorrow I will take everything off the bird and freeze it. To add to the other turkey in my freezer.
I set up my small tree, the one I used at my place in Coquitlam, the large tree I set up in mom's room, I decorated it and there it sat. Empty before Christmas and on Christmas day. Not a single gift under my tree. Nothing. This really made me feel good and wanted!!!!!!!!!!
Now let me sum this up... No one came for Christmas dinner, and under my tree was empty. I didn't even receive a call, text message or an email from anyone. Then again I don't know anyone...
OK on top of this all the work, making dinner, caused allot of pain. It was just to much for me to deal with. I am in so much pain today, my back. And I can barely move my neck. I have tingling in my arms and back. Sharp pain through my neck. I can't even raise my neck without it falling to the side. Typing is very difficult tonight.
It also looks like I need to find a new place to live. I am behind in my rent, bills etc... I really like this place.
Writing this blog is something I look forward to.
So I am out.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada
V3B0A7
Until January 13, 2017
http://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Merry Christmas to y'all from a lonely soul
Hello again
Well today, it lived up to what I was saying. I checked my mail box, I asked if I had any mail, where I live. And nothing. I was around most of the day and no one came by to see if I was at home.
I really thought this year would be different. I have been a good boy this year, not like I am anything but good. The so called family, thinks differently. But GOD and I know the truth...
I really only wanted to have someone around this year. After all it is the first year without my mother. So I just thought someone, anyone, would have compassion and empathy to say this guy needs someone. He is alone and I am sure lonely... But didn't happen. And it is Christmas day tomorrow, well today other places... I can't say what will happen tomorrow, Christmas day, we will wait and see.
Now tonight I went to church again. Tonight I went to the Catholic Church. One to honour mom and the second reason I am part Catholic. I enjoyed the service more than I did the Christian Church I go to. So I have decided to honour both of my beliefs, the Pentecostal and the Catholic sides. At 9 am I will attend the Catholic Church, then at 11 am I will go to the Alliance church. It is just a morning of worshiping GOD
I received a spiritual book from the church tonight I will read it. On my list. I have several others I need to read first.
The only draw back from attending this evening, is that I am in so much pain now. The kneeling, the bending, the getting up and down. This hurt me greatly. And I need to take some extra pain killers after I finish writing this post. OK I took a pause and took some now. So I only have 15 minutes before they kick in.
I really am depressed now. Besides my neck killing me, I am just very lonely. I had no human contact today. Not a soul spoke to me. And I tried to get a conversation going with someone. Yea didn't work.
Am I wrong to want to have someone around me during this season. Am I wrong to want company for tomorrow. It didn't matter last year or for 12 years before that, as I took care of mom and in the nursing homes there are always people around. But the most important part of the holidays, was spending it with my mother.
A single gift, Is that to much to ask for. I really don't think so.
Here I am alone, lonely, without anyone to spend Christmas day with. No invitations to dinner, no friends.
As I said, I have everything I need to make a dinner, a turkey dinner and I will make it and just sit down in front of my TV and eat and eat. I will just wear sweat pants.
I will leave you now.
I wish you and your loved ones a Very Merry Christmas.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V3B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Well today, it lived up to what I was saying. I checked my mail box, I asked if I had any mail, where I live. And nothing. I was around most of the day and no one came by to see if I was at home.
I really thought this year would be different. I have been a good boy this year, not like I am anything but good. The so called family, thinks differently. But GOD and I know the truth...
I really only wanted to have someone around this year. After all it is the first year without my mother. So I just thought someone, anyone, would have compassion and empathy to say this guy needs someone. He is alone and I am sure lonely... But didn't happen. And it is Christmas day tomorrow, well today other places... I can't say what will happen tomorrow, Christmas day, we will wait and see.
Now tonight I went to church again. Tonight I went to the Catholic Church. One to honour mom and the second reason I am part Catholic. I enjoyed the service more than I did the Christian Church I go to. So I have decided to honour both of my beliefs, the Pentecostal and the Catholic sides. At 9 am I will attend the Catholic Church, then at 11 am I will go to the Alliance church. It is just a morning of worshiping GOD
I received a spiritual book from the church tonight I will read it. On my list. I have several others I need to read first.
The only draw back from attending this evening, is that I am in so much pain now. The kneeling, the bending, the getting up and down. This hurt me greatly. And I need to take some extra pain killers after I finish writing this post. OK I took a pause and took some now. So I only have 15 minutes before they kick in.
I really am depressed now. Besides my neck killing me, I am just very lonely. I had no human contact today. Not a soul spoke to me. And I tried to get a conversation going with someone. Yea didn't work.
Am I wrong to want to have someone around me during this season. Am I wrong to want company for tomorrow. It didn't matter last year or for 12 years before that, as I took care of mom and in the nursing homes there are always people around. But the most important part of the holidays, was spending it with my mother.
A single gift, Is that to much to ask for. I really don't think so.
Here I am alone, lonely, without anyone to spend Christmas day with. No invitations to dinner, no friends.
As I said, I have everything I need to make a dinner, a turkey dinner and I will make it and just sit down in front of my TV and eat and eat. I will just wear sweat pants.
I will leave you now.
I wish you and your loved ones a Very Merry Christmas.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V3B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Bad to worse
Hello again
I was going to write tonight that if I am alone on Christmas day it will have to be OK.
I do wish this Christmas would of been different, that someone would of reached out to me and surprised me with, well just some company. A person to talk to, not just for a few minutes, but go and just talk. About whatever. I thought I had faith in humanity, but I guess I was wrong.
I thought I believed in miracles, but that is out the window now. What miracle. I pray every night for a miracle. A financial miracle. A miracle that I would not be alone on Christmas day. That there would be something in my mailbox. A card from a stranger, a book from someone. Telling me it is OK, that I do understand that you are lonely. That we are here for you. Don't be afraid, there are many of us who are there for you...
But I guess I was wrong again. The past Christmas's it didn't matter if I was alone at home, because I spent the days with my mother.... And I traveled back and forth to see her, 3 hours each way. So when I got back to Coquitlam, I was tired. So being alone was OK with me.... But now, I am truly alone and there is no traveling back and forth to see and take care of my mother. There is only myself and walking, bus rides to nowhere and back. Not even a conversation with a stranger. I guess people are all to busy to speak with a desperate soul. I am sure they see my desperation. It must be all over my face, that I need someone to talk to and and be around. Hasn't happened.
I went to the church I have been going to, tonight. A Christmas eve service. One person wished me a merry Christmas, and of course no one spoke to me... Not even a pastor. They know who I am... Again everyone is to busy getting ready for Christmas to speak to a lonely stranger. They are with there families and couples are shopping together.
I never really knew how loneliness was so horrible.
I just prayed that this year, without my mother, people would step up to help me. Isn't this the time of year of giving without anything in return. It is suppose to be............ But not really.
The church kept speaking about giving to the community, helping those are in need. The desperate, the needy, I thought they were speaking about me, that I would be called up to the stage. I was just dreaming and maybe just wishing that something like that would happen. Only in my imagination.
I pray each night that I could get the help I need, the direction I need, the person that I would run into that would be who I need at that time to point me in a direction that would lead me to another person and so on...
Now I have one day left before Christmas to see if there really is humanity in this world. That someone does care that I am alone and lonely. That I don't have, well anything. I really do mean anything. OK I have what I need,including turkey, to make for Christmas day. But I would prefer to be with others that day. But again as I have stated earlier on this post, that I will make the whole deal and eat it by myself Christmas day. Because that is the way I see it happening.
Only a day left. I am checking my mailbox daily,lately. I don't usually check it everyday. The guy at the UPS store keeps asking me if I am waiting for something special. No I reply, just checking. I don't know what to tell the guy. I won't tell him I am desperate and am just thinking someone would send me something for Christmas. That I am just expecting humanity to step up and be real. Real to me anyways.
Look it is just me dreaming and wishing. That is all. I don't know what else to say about that. I will check again tomorrow.
Now to the bad to worse. I am on the verge of being homeless. I am behind in my rent, no thanks to my friend, well ex friend now, moving out. He knew I couldn't afford this place by myself. And I haven't heard from him since he moved out. Nice don't you think,leaving me high and dry. I am behind in my rent, I can't even afford to eat, pay for a monthly bus pass, Even buy a decent winter coat. I am cold, I put so much on each day, it is hard to move.
I just don't know what to do now. I can't afford to move. I have no money to move or a damage deposit or rent. I am giving my landlord every bit of money I get. I keep nothing for myself. I am selling things and giving that money to him as well. Just desperate now.... I will try to speak to him about this. But I do think anything will come from it. They were away for a few days and tonight they got back, he sent me a text message asking me for the rest of the rent and I hope it doesn't happen again. I can catch up and maybe a little bit for next month, but not all of it. I just don't have that kind of money. OK I don't have any money.
Now this accident has really done me in.... I can no longer do anything for work that involves lifting anything. I am getting pinching in my neck. Last night I thought I was having a heart attack. I was about to call 911 when everything calmed down. But my chest is sore today. I am afraid to lift anything, It is my neck and I don't want to become paralyzed. I am worried about that. Some weird things happening. I think next week I might go to the emergency room. I am tired of the headaches.
If anyone out there has anything or any ideas of what I am going to do, Please let me know. My address will be listed as I have been doing
Just ideas would be nice.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada
V3B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
I was going to write tonight that if I am alone on Christmas day it will have to be OK.
I do wish this Christmas would of been different, that someone would of reached out to me and surprised me with, well just some company. A person to talk to, not just for a few minutes, but go and just talk. About whatever. I thought I had faith in humanity, but I guess I was wrong.
I thought I believed in miracles, but that is out the window now. What miracle. I pray every night for a miracle. A financial miracle. A miracle that I would not be alone on Christmas day. That there would be something in my mailbox. A card from a stranger, a book from someone. Telling me it is OK, that I do understand that you are lonely. That we are here for you. Don't be afraid, there are many of us who are there for you...
But I guess I was wrong again. The past Christmas's it didn't matter if I was alone at home, because I spent the days with my mother.... And I traveled back and forth to see her, 3 hours each way. So when I got back to Coquitlam, I was tired. So being alone was OK with me.... But now, I am truly alone and there is no traveling back and forth to see and take care of my mother. There is only myself and walking, bus rides to nowhere and back. Not even a conversation with a stranger. I guess people are all to busy to speak with a desperate soul. I am sure they see my desperation. It must be all over my face, that I need someone to talk to and and be around. Hasn't happened.
I went to the church I have been going to, tonight. A Christmas eve service. One person wished me a merry Christmas, and of course no one spoke to me... Not even a pastor. They know who I am... Again everyone is to busy getting ready for Christmas to speak to a lonely stranger. They are with there families and couples are shopping together.
I never really knew how loneliness was so horrible.
I just prayed that this year, without my mother, people would step up to help me. Isn't this the time of year of giving without anything in return. It is suppose to be............ But not really.
The church kept speaking about giving to the community, helping those are in need. The desperate, the needy, I thought they were speaking about me, that I would be called up to the stage. I was just dreaming and maybe just wishing that something like that would happen. Only in my imagination.
I pray each night that I could get the help I need, the direction I need, the person that I would run into that would be who I need at that time to point me in a direction that would lead me to another person and so on...
Now I have one day left before Christmas to see if there really is humanity in this world. That someone does care that I am alone and lonely. That I don't have, well anything. I really do mean anything. OK I have what I need,including turkey, to make for Christmas day. But I would prefer to be with others that day. But again as I have stated earlier on this post, that I will make the whole deal and eat it by myself Christmas day. Because that is the way I see it happening.
Only a day left. I am checking my mailbox daily,lately. I don't usually check it everyday. The guy at the UPS store keeps asking me if I am waiting for something special. No I reply, just checking. I don't know what to tell the guy. I won't tell him I am desperate and am just thinking someone would send me something for Christmas. That I am just expecting humanity to step up and be real. Real to me anyways.
Look it is just me dreaming and wishing. That is all. I don't know what else to say about that. I will check again tomorrow.
Now to the bad to worse. I am on the verge of being homeless. I am behind in my rent, no thanks to my friend, well ex friend now, moving out. He knew I couldn't afford this place by myself. And I haven't heard from him since he moved out. Nice don't you think,leaving me high and dry. I am behind in my rent, I can't even afford to eat, pay for a monthly bus pass, Even buy a decent winter coat. I am cold, I put so much on each day, it is hard to move.
I just don't know what to do now. I can't afford to move. I have no money to move or a damage deposit or rent. I am giving my landlord every bit of money I get. I keep nothing for myself. I am selling things and giving that money to him as well. Just desperate now.... I will try to speak to him about this. But I do think anything will come from it. They were away for a few days and tonight they got back, he sent me a text message asking me for the rest of the rent and I hope it doesn't happen again. I can catch up and maybe a little bit for next month, but not all of it. I just don't have that kind of money. OK I don't have any money.
Now this accident has really done me in.... I can no longer do anything for work that involves lifting anything. I am getting pinching in my neck. Last night I thought I was having a heart attack. I was about to call 911 when everything calmed down. But my chest is sore today. I am afraid to lift anything, It is my neck and I don't want to become paralyzed. I am worried about that. Some weird things happening. I think next week I might go to the emergency room. I am tired of the headaches.
If anyone out there has anything or any ideas of what I am going to do, Please let me know. My address will be listed as I have been doing
Just ideas would be nice.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada
V3B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Thursday, December 22, 2016
I wish I wish things would be different
Hello again
I really guess that people just don't care if one is lonely or not. That one is going to be alone during the holidays...
Is this even real or am I just sleeping and will wake up from this nightmare soon, I hope........
I really thought this year would be a good Christmas for me. Since I no longer have my mother to spoil at Christmas, and that is exactly what I did each and every year. I haven't receive a Christmas gift in probably 15 years. The one thing that made it OK, or I just didn't care, was that I got to spoil my mother each year. Not just at Christmas, but all year long. Each and every year.
I made sure her room was decorated to the hilt. A beautiful tree, That shone brightly for all to see. And people did see it, they came from all the floors to see it. I think mom's tree was even better decorated then the tree's the staff put up. I got mom to help out, to do whatever she could to assist in the decorating. And mom just loved doing it as well. Made her feel useful and appreciated.
We would spend hours and hours decorating her room. The music playing, Christmas music it was. Magical and beautiful. I will never forget my time with mom.
What I am trying to say is this. Yes I never received a Christmas gift in 15 years, I got to be with my mother. No present could ever beat what I received in love from mom, the excitement in her eye's The warm hugs and feelings. Her tender touch. Her speechless looks that filled my heart with all the Christmas cheer and love I could ever get. The biggest gift I ever received was just being with my beautiful mother.
But now I am alone. This is not fun. I thought that this year would be different. I thought that someone would actually care enough to help out and maybe make this year not so lonely. And alone.
I was not going to even put up any decorations or a tree. I did, for mom, put up my small tree and put some decorations on it. ... Next year I will put up mom's tree and go all out. To honour my mother and will continue each year with more and more decorations. I am just not in the mood this year. The first year without my mother.
I volunteered at a local Christmas dinner and I did get allot of extra turkey they had. So I pretty much have everything I need for a Christmas dinner. I will make and eat by myself. There is no other choice for me. I guess I will have to be OK with this and look at my empty tree.
I have been checking my mail box for a hope that I would receive something from someone. A card. I have written different places and have spoken to a few pastors. Not about helping out, but about this being the first Christmas I am spending without my mother and home absolutely lonely it is for me. Yea and nothing. Nothing at all........ Just the typical GOD is with you. Yes I know GOD is with me, but no one else is. I am trying to do everything that is right. Nothing seems to go right for me. Even the job search. I was at sources job club today, sending off more resumes.
I have needed to change my direction because of the bus accident and the pain I am feeling. So no more jobs that require me to lift anything.
A few days left before Christmas and I don't see a good Christmas for me at all... I know there are allot of people who are worse off than myself, I feel compassion for them. If I could do something for them I would. But I am alone. No one. I really don't even have friends. They, the few I have are busy with their own families. Which is what they should be doing. I just don't have family anymore. OK I have sisters. But they are not family to me, they are strangers to me. So no, they are not my family..
Just depressed for the last few days, that is why I have not written. But I will be back tomorrow.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC,
Canada. V4B0A7
Please Pray
I really guess that people just don't care if one is lonely or not. That one is going to be alone during the holidays...
Is this even real or am I just sleeping and will wake up from this nightmare soon, I hope........
I really thought this year would be a good Christmas for me. Since I no longer have my mother to spoil at Christmas, and that is exactly what I did each and every year. I haven't receive a Christmas gift in probably 15 years. The one thing that made it OK, or I just didn't care, was that I got to spoil my mother each year. Not just at Christmas, but all year long. Each and every year.
I made sure her room was decorated to the hilt. A beautiful tree, That shone brightly for all to see. And people did see it, they came from all the floors to see it. I think mom's tree was even better decorated then the tree's the staff put up. I got mom to help out, to do whatever she could to assist in the decorating. And mom just loved doing it as well. Made her feel useful and appreciated.
We would spend hours and hours decorating her room. The music playing, Christmas music it was. Magical and beautiful. I will never forget my time with mom.
What I am trying to say is this. Yes I never received a Christmas gift in 15 years, I got to be with my mother. No present could ever beat what I received in love from mom, the excitement in her eye's The warm hugs and feelings. Her tender touch. Her speechless looks that filled my heart with all the Christmas cheer and love I could ever get. The biggest gift I ever received was just being with my beautiful mother.
But now I am alone. This is not fun. I thought that this year would be different. I thought that someone would actually care enough to help out and maybe make this year not so lonely. And alone.
I was not going to even put up any decorations or a tree. I did, for mom, put up my small tree and put some decorations on it. ... Next year I will put up mom's tree and go all out. To honour my mother and will continue each year with more and more decorations. I am just not in the mood this year. The first year without my mother.
I volunteered at a local Christmas dinner and I did get allot of extra turkey they had. So I pretty much have everything I need for a Christmas dinner. I will make and eat by myself. There is no other choice for me. I guess I will have to be OK with this and look at my empty tree.
I have been checking my mail box for a hope that I would receive something from someone. A card. I have written different places and have spoken to a few pastors. Not about helping out, but about this being the first Christmas I am spending without my mother and home absolutely lonely it is for me. Yea and nothing. Nothing at all........ Just the typical GOD is with you. Yes I know GOD is with me, but no one else is. I am trying to do everything that is right. Nothing seems to go right for me. Even the job search. I was at sources job club today, sending off more resumes.
I have needed to change my direction because of the bus accident and the pain I am feeling. So no more jobs that require me to lift anything.
A few days left before Christmas and I don't see a good Christmas for me at all... I know there are allot of people who are worse off than myself, I feel compassion for them. If I could do something for them I would. But I am alone. No one. I really don't even have friends. They, the few I have are busy with their own families. Which is what they should be doing. I just don't have family anymore. OK I have sisters. But they are not family to me, they are strangers to me. So no, they are not my family..
Just depressed for the last few days, that is why I have not written. But I will be back tomorrow.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC,
Canada. V4B0A7
Please Pray
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
I was just to depressed to write and hurting
Hello again
Well the last two days I have been working on a email that was very important, and it took me longer than I thought. Being a perfectionist. It must be perfect, but I forgot to put a few things in it, So I finished it tonight. And sent it again
This year is extremely difficult for me. Again the first Christmas without my mother. No family to spend time with. No one to spend Christmas day with. And no one to even talk to over these days. I am very lonely. I never thought it would bother me this much. But it is. I have been lonely in the past but I always new, each and everyday, I would be visiting my mother and taking care of her. So the loneness wasnt hard to deal with. That I wouldn't be lonely in a few hours.
Not this year. I am alone and it is difficult for me to deal with. I don't have friends or anyone. I decided to put up this little tree I have. No I am not going to decorate my home completely up. Just the little tree. Just not in the mood. But I have been thinking that I should of gone all out and decorated my home, To honour my mother. I just can't do it this year. But from now on, that is what I am going to do. Go all out and decorate. Even if I am completely alone. Just not this year.
There will be nothing under the tree though, but a tree none the less. That is to bad though.
I wish there was someone who I could call on to get through this together. Just me. I know I have dealt with allot of things before and made it through them. Not this year. Being alone is sort of putting a little damper on this you will get through this. Very difficult for me.........
I keep watching these Christmas movies, hoping they will bring the Christmas cheer to me, Yea no luck........ I am trying though. I use to love watching these shows/movies with mom. We did this everyday leading up to Christmas. The music in the background. A great time we had each and every year. I would make mom a fantastic Christmas dinner. Yes just for her. And enjoy mom having a great time. The best Christmas present I could ever receive. Knowing mom was having a great time. I looked forward to Christmas each year. I started getting ready in September. Planning out the decorating of her room.
I miss her so very much. I miss having her here during the holidays. I miss my mother's smile each day when I arrived to see her. Not just at Christmas, but everyday all year long. It is not the same anymore. So very lonely, so very lonely.
Just one gift. is that to much to ask for. I haven't had a Christmas gift in a very long time. It was all about mom, Mom was first and I was last that was my deal. All about mom. I don't know how to do things for myself. I really don't ...............
I am still very much hurting. I can't raise my arms up without getting an instant headache. I can't drive. I can't lift anything without it hurting me. I can't even type much before I have to stop and take a break.
I need to stop for tonight.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC, Canada
V4B0A7
Well the last two days I have been working on a email that was very important, and it took me longer than I thought. Being a perfectionist. It must be perfect, but I forgot to put a few things in it, So I finished it tonight. And sent it again
This year is extremely difficult for me. Again the first Christmas without my mother. No family to spend time with. No one to spend Christmas day with. And no one to even talk to over these days. I am very lonely. I never thought it would bother me this much. But it is. I have been lonely in the past but I always new, each and everyday, I would be visiting my mother and taking care of her. So the loneness wasnt hard to deal with. That I wouldn't be lonely in a few hours.
Not this year. I am alone and it is difficult for me to deal with. I don't have friends or anyone. I decided to put up this little tree I have. No I am not going to decorate my home completely up. Just the little tree. Just not in the mood. But I have been thinking that I should of gone all out and decorated my home, To honour my mother. I just can't do it this year. But from now on, that is what I am going to do. Go all out and decorate. Even if I am completely alone. Just not this year.
There will be nothing under the tree though, but a tree none the less. That is to bad though.
I wish there was someone who I could call on to get through this together. Just me. I know I have dealt with allot of things before and made it through them. Not this year. Being alone is sort of putting a little damper on this you will get through this. Very difficult for me.........
I keep watching these Christmas movies, hoping they will bring the Christmas cheer to me, Yea no luck........ I am trying though. I use to love watching these shows/movies with mom. We did this everyday leading up to Christmas. The music in the background. A great time we had each and every year. I would make mom a fantastic Christmas dinner. Yes just for her. And enjoy mom having a great time. The best Christmas present I could ever receive. Knowing mom was having a great time. I looked forward to Christmas each year. I started getting ready in September. Planning out the decorating of her room.
I miss her so very much. I miss having her here during the holidays. I miss my mother's smile each day when I arrived to see her. Not just at Christmas, but everyday all year long. It is not the same anymore. So very lonely, so very lonely.
Just one gift. is that to much to ask for. I haven't had a Christmas gift in a very long time. It was all about mom, Mom was first and I was last that was my deal. All about mom. I don't know how to do things for myself. I really don't ...............
I am still very much hurting. I can't raise my arms up without getting an instant headache. I can't drive. I can't lift anything without it hurting me. I can't even type much before I have to stop and take a break.
I need to stop for tonight.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC, Canada
V4B0A7
Friday, December 16, 2016
It is not going well, at all
Hello again
I am just so upset, I have these medical issues and need certain medications to combat them, but they are not covered and I can't afford them. So I have to go without them. It is especially the diabetes that I am most concerned about. No matter what I do I just can't get it covered. And it is $49.00 a month for this drug that I need to take several times a day.
No idea what I am to do.
Now I was not going to write tonight, I needed to. I hurt like crazy today. I had to lie down several times today, just to feel better. Then I have my depression around Christmas. Not having my mother around, not having anyone around. I really do mean no one. I have always thought that I am personable. It just doesn't matter now. I can't even get a straight answer from pastors. Just the usual......
I hurt physically, but most importantly, it is emotionally that hurts the most. Depression, anxiety, and a whole slew of things.
I don't want to be alone at Christmas. I have never been alone before at Christmas. Sure I have been alone before, many times. But not during the holidays. I have no family.
I am sleeping less and less these days. I am so very tired, but that doesn't seem to matter. I take something to help me sleep. Yea, it lasts about 3 or 4 hours and then I am awake. In bed at 3 or 4 and up at 7 everyday. I try, if I can, to take a nap, That never happens. I don't want to sit here by myself, so I am out doing nothing. It is really bad now that it is cold outside. Places are only open so late, and if one does not have the funds to sit in a coffee shop. They walk the streets. I have to walk, no funds left on my bus card. It is very slippery on the sidewalks,so I walk slowly. Which make me even colder. Tonight it is -9, that was at 9 pm when I finally got back. I did nothing for 5 hours. OK I did something. Froze my butt off.
I just don't get it. I really am trying to get it together. Earlier I applied for more jobs. Positions that I an do without having to lift anything. Another 6 today. 12 in the last two days. But no phone calls for an interview. Doesn't matter anyways, if I get a call or not. I simply can't get to the interview. I couldn't even take the bus back tonight, how in the world am I going to get to an interview and back.
OK today I did speak with this women I have know for a while, but never spoke to before. I had just seen her on the bus. This I would say was the best thing that I have done in a very long time. I had a good time speaking with her. We laughed and talked.
As I have said before, my days are not always full of 24 hours of bad. But the depression wins over in the end.
I need to stop now.
Thank you
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmulnad
Kristopher Schmuland
#409- 15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada.
V4B0A7
I am just so upset, I have these medical issues and need certain medications to combat them, but they are not covered and I can't afford them. So I have to go without them. It is especially the diabetes that I am most concerned about. No matter what I do I just can't get it covered. And it is $49.00 a month for this drug that I need to take several times a day.
No idea what I am to do.
Now I was not going to write tonight, I needed to. I hurt like crazy today. I had to lie down several times today, just to feel better. Then I have my depression around Christmas. Not having my mother around, not having anyone around. I really do mean no one. I have always thought that I am personable. It just doesn't matter now. I can't even get a straight answer from pastors. Just the usual......
I hurt physically, but most importantly, it is emotionally that hurts the most. Depression, anxiety, and a whole slew of things.
I don't want to be alone at Christmas. I have never been alone before at Christmas. Sure I have been alone before, many times. But not during the holidays. I have no family.
I am sleeping less and less these days. I am so very tired, but that doesn't seem to matter. I take something to help me sleep. Yea, it lasts about 3 or 4 hours and then I am awake. In bed at 3 or 4 and up at 7 everyday. I try, if I can, to take a nap, That never happens. I don't want to sit here by myself, so I am out doing nothing. It is really bad now that it is cold outside. Places are only open so late, and if one does not have the funds to sit in a coffee shop. They walk the streets. I have to walk, no funds left on my bus card. It is very slippery on the sidewalks,so I walk slowly. Which make me even colder. Tonight it is -9, that was at 9 pm when I finally got back. I did nothing for 5 hours. OK I did something. Froze my butt off.
I just don't get it. I really am trying to get it together. Earlier I applied for more jobs. Positions that I an do without having to lift anything. Another 6 today. 12 in the last two days. But no phone calls for an interview. Doesn't matter anyways, if I get a call or not. I simply can't get to the interview. I couldn't even take the bus back tonight, how in the world am I going to get to an interview and back.
OK today I did speak with this women I have know for a while, but never spoke to before. I had just seen her on the bus. This I would say was the best thing that I have done in a very long time. I had a good time speaking with her. We laughed and talked.
As I have said before, my days are not always full of 24 hours of bad. But the depression wins over in the end.
I need to stop now.
Thank you
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmulnad
Kristopher Schmuland
#409- 15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada.
V4B0A7
Thursday, December 15, 2016
I know, I know but whatever......
Hello again
First I wish to thank all who have read this Blog. I have had the most people read this, well I don't think I have had this many views in one day. So I do very much appreciate it. Even if you are reading this and thinking what a looser or is this guy for real. But thank you anyways.
Now I have been to the church I am attending and have spoken with a pastor. I was put in touch with another pastor who might help those in need. I did receive a hamper. Though I do very much appreciate the hamper. I am getting food from many other places this season. I am not lacking in this respect.
What I am lacking, which is why I approached them in the first place, is my house insurance didn't go through, my bills are mounting and I will most likely be cut off soon if I don't make some kind of payment. I need the house insurance. What if there is a fire or flood or someone breaks in and steals my things. I am then out allot of money. Yes I do have things I saved up to get these things. A little bit at a time. That was then and this is now. And that was a while ago that I bought my things. I just would like to keep them or protect them. But I don't have the funds to pay them. And I have an NSF charge to pay as well, for the house insurance that didn't go through my bank. I had to go into the cable office and tell them I would make a payment next week. I don't see how I am going to do this. I do know that the church will help out with funds. They pay the things directly. And that is OK with me. At least they are paid or partially paid. They were going to help out with something else, but it was to late I had taken care of it.A day to late. I sold something and with the funds I paid this bill.
I do have several things on Craigslist,for sale, but there is no one seeking what I am selling. It took almost three weeks to sell what I did the other day. Everything that I am selling is new and in the box. I have not unpacked them because I don't know if I can stay here. I have many things that are not unpacked because of this.
I had a plan when I moved in and it was going great. A job, a roommate etc... Then the job goes and the roommate to follow. I have continuously been trying to find work. Even though I am not suppose to work. According to the doctor, my lawyer.. I need to work. So today I changed direction, and today I was applying for jobs that don't involve me lifting anything. I am trying.But I can't seem to find the assistance that I really need. OK I can't lift anything,it hurts to much. I can't even typed without it hurting me.Raise my arms up past my chest. My back is just killing me. What really is bothering me is that I can't seem to keep my head up. It is falling forward. It hurts like crazy
Yet the thing that might help me. A physiotherapist, I can't go to. There is a user fee that is refundable, but I don't have the funds to pay that user fee...
Well being alone is not fun. I have not had a conversation with anyone in over a week. Speaking with the pastor doesn't count as a conversation. Something meaningful I mean. Nothing. I don't know if having a conversation with myself counts. Not that meaningful. But I have to speak to someone even if it is myself.
So there is a little over a week before Christmas day, and the way it is looking, it is going to be a very lonely existence for me. Sure I will go to church this Sunday and Christmas Eve, ;but who cares. I will be going by myself.and leaving by myself to come back to an empty place. Empty without a soul to spend the rest of Christmas Eve with. Oh pity me once states. Yes please take pity on me. I believe I deserve it. After all I believe I am doing everything right. I have done what was right in the eyes of GOD. Taking care of mom. I grieved and still not over it yet and won't be, ever! But I am trying to get my life gong again. Yet it is just getting worse for me.
I am afraid I will be out on the street very soon. I will be able to catch up on rent, but I will be short on rent for next month and no way to catch up on it....
I have been writing this, having to take many breaks tonight. But I just can't keep writing. I am in to much pain. It seems that what I love to do is being taken away from me as well. Write this Blog. It is part of my life. I need to write this. I will continue to write this, even if it takes me hours to write it. Taking as many breaks as necessary.
GOD Bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
https://gofundme.com/krisschmuland This is to give my mother a memorial service for January 31,17
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile For dental work.
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V4B0A7
Please I do need a miracle
First I wish to thank all who have read this Blog. I have had the most people read this, well I don't think I have had this many views in one day. So I do very much appreciate it. Even if you are reading this and thinking what a looser or is this guy for real. But thank you anyways.
Now I have been to the church I am attending and have spoken with a pastor. I was put in touch with another pastor who might help those in need. I did receive a hamper. Though I do very much appreciate the hamper. I am getting food from many other places this season. I am not lacking in this respect.
What I am lacking, which is why I approached them in the first place, is my house insurance didn't go through, my bills are mounting and I will most likely be cut off soon if I don't make some kind of payment. I need the house insurance. What if there is a fire or flood or someone breaks in and steals my things. I am then out allot of money. Yes I do have things I saved up to get these things. A little bit at a time. That was then and this is now. And that was a while ago that I bought my things. I just would like to keep them or protect them. But I don't have the funds to pay them. And I have an NSF charge to pay as well, for the house insurance that didn't go through my bank. I had to go into the cable office and tell them I would make a payment next week. I don't see how I am going to do this. I do know that the church will help out with funds. They pay the things directly. And that is OK with me. At least they are paid or partially paid. They were going to help out with something else, but it was to late I had taken care of it.A day to late. I sold something and with the funds I paid this bill.
I do have several things on Craigslist,for sale, but there is no one seeking what I am selling. It took almost three weeks to sell what I did the other day. Everything that I am selling is new and in the box. I have not unpacked them because I don't know if I can stay here. I have many things that are not unpacked because of this.
I had a plan when I moved in and it was going great. A job, a roommate etc... Then the job goes and the roommate to follow. I have continuously been trying to find work. Even though I am not suppose to work. According to the doctor, my lawyer.. I need to work. So today I changed direction, and today I was applying for jobs that don't involve me lifting anything. I am trying.But I can't seem to find the assistance that I really need. OK I can't lift anything,it hurts to much. I can't even typed without it hurting me.Raise my arms up past my chest. My back is just killing me. What really is bothering me is that I can't seem to keep my head up. It is falling forward. It hurts like crazy
Yet the thing that might help me. A physiotherapist, I can't go to. There is a user fee that is refundable, but I don't have the funds to pay that user fee...
Well being alone is not fun. I have not had a conversation with anyone in over a week. Speaking with the pastor doesn't count as a conversation. Something meaningful I mean. Nothing. I don't know if having a conversation with myself counts. Not that meaningful. But I have to speak to someone even if it is myself.
So there is a little over a week before Christmas day, and the way it is looking, it is going to be a very lonely existence for me. Sure I will go to church this Sunday and Christmas Eve, ;but who cares. I will be going by myself.and leaving by myself to come back to an empty place. Empty without a soul to spend the rest of Christmas Eve with. Oh pity me once states. Yes please take pity on me. I believe I deserve it. After all I believe I am doing everything right. I have done what was right in the eyes of GOD. Taking care of mom. I grieved and still not over it yet and won't be, ever! But I am trying to get my life gong again. Yet it is just getting worse for me.
I am afraid I will be out on the street very soon. I will be able to catch up on rent, but I will be short on rent for next month and no way to catch up on it....
I have been writing this, having to take many breaks tonight. But I just can't keep writing. I am in to much pain. It seems that what I love to do is being taken away from me as well. Write this Blog. It is part of my life. I need to write this. I will continue to write this, even if it takes me hours to write it. Taking as many breaks as necessary.
GOD Bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
https://gofundme.com/krisschmuland This is to give my mother a memorial service for January 31,17
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile For dental work.
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V4B0A7
Please I do need a miracle
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Is it possible to feel more.......
Hello again
The question I really have is this. Does anyone really knows what it is to be alone.Truly alone. Alone for the holidays. Is anyone going to be alone for the holidays. I am going to be. I am alone now and will be for who knows how long. There is no one for me. ... No dinner, no presents, and I would of like at least one gift this year, considering I have not had a gift in over 15 years, for Christmas. Not a one. Is that selfish to ask for a single gift. I think it is not.
I know most/allot will be getting one. I don't know what has happened or what I did. I know I did what I was to do in my life,that is to look after my mother.....For this part of my life anyways. What is next, I don't know.... I am trying to figure it out
And to top everything off, I can't go anywhere. I have nothing left on my bus card. OK enough to get me somewhere, but not to get back. No money to put on the card either. So I can't even leave the White Rock area. I can only walk. Now being hurt in this accident, makes this hard to do as well. With all the snow we have had and the freezing temperature as well. The frozen sidewalks.....etc.....
The pain is getting worse as each day passes. I know that there is something seriously wrong with my neck. But I won't be able to get anything done about it either. I need to go to physiotherapy, but I don't have the user fee. Which I would get a refund on , but I have to pay it upfront first. So I can't get the, needed assistance I need to help get me better.
Yes I am just about complaining lately, but this is my reality. The reality of being alone and lonely.The reality of being injured, again... The reality of not spending Christmas with anyone. It is mostly about the reality of this being the first Christmas without my mother and missing her terribly
I spend more time talking to myself than speaking with others. And I am even answering myself. Well no one else to talk to.
I am not one to just sit at home and do nothing. When I had a monthly pass I just went out. Not spending money. But just get on the bus and go... Yet now I don't have a choice. Really, there is not much to do in White Rock , when you don't know anyone. And it is cold outside. -10 with the wind chill.
Typing is hurting me now so I need to go.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Kris Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V4B0A7
The question I really have is this. Does anyone really knows what it is to be alone.Truly alone. Alone for the holidays. Is anyone going to be alone for the holidays. I am going to be. I am alone now and will be for who knows how long. There is no one for me. ... No dinner, no presents, and I would of like at least one gift this year, considering I have not had a gift in over 15 years, for Christmas. Not a one. Is that selfish to ask for a single gift. I think it is not.
I know most/allot will be getting one. I don't know what has happened or what I did. I know I did what I was to do in my life,that is to look after my mother.....For this part of my life anyways. What is next, I don't know.... I am trying to figure it out
And to top everything off, I can't go anywhere. I have nothing left on my bus card. OK enough to get me somewhere, but not to get back. No money to put on the card either. So I can't even leave the White Rock area. I can only walk. Now being hurt in this accident, makes this hard to do as well. With all the snow we have had and the freezing temperature as well. The frozen sidewalks.....etc.....
The pain is getting worse as each day passes. I know that there is something seriously wrong with my neck. But I won't be able to get anything done about it either. I need to go to physiotherapy, but I don't have the user fee. Which I would get a refund on , but I have to pay it upfront first. So I can't get the, needed assistance I need to help get me better.
Yes I am just about complaining lately, but this is my reality. The reality of being alone and lonely.The reality of being injured, again... The reality of not spending Christmas with anyone. It is mostly about the reality of this being the first Christmas without my mother and missing her terribly
I spend more time talking to myself than speaking with others. And I am even answering myself. Well no one else to talk to.
I am not one to just sit at home and do nothing. When I had a monthly pass I just went out. Not spending money. But just get on the bus and go... Yet now I don't have a choice. Really, there is not much to do in White Rock , when you don't know anyone. And it is cold outside. -10 with the wind chill.
Typing is hurting me now so I need to go.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Kris Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V4B0A7
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Just nothing
Hello again
Well it is getting very close to Christmas day and I am truly alone.Not a soul has contacted me. The few friends that I do have have not even mentioned about coming by for a visit. I have nothing, so that is why. Or I am just to depressing for anyone to deal with. Well come on....... I don't want to celebrate Christmas, the first Christmas without my mother. I am completely broke and have absolutely nothing.
It would be nice to have something. Anything. Better than nothing.Which by the way, is going to be exactly what is going to happen this Christmas.
Everything that is happening with this accident is getting worse. I am in extreme pain. I am having a hard time holding my head up. Well reading is difficult, both a book and my phone. Just typing is difficult. Just holding my arms out in the typing position causes pain in my neck. Just like I am a pain in your neck..........
I get sick and these headaches just don't go away. Again as mentioned the only comfortable position for me is flat on my back with a pillow supporting my neck.
Yea my depression is really bad. I miss my mother. I miss decorating her room and singing Christmas songs for her, I miss watching Christmas movies with her. And then there is the Christmas dinner I would of made for her. Now nothing. Just by myself and I really am by myself.
I have never experienced this before. No one around. No friends. No one to talk to or watch a movie with. Just alone. It is the strangest feeling. I am bored I am anxious, I am stressed out.I am in pain. Not just physically but emotionally as well. I am extremely tired. I am not sleeping. I want to sleep, but can't. I am hungry but I don't want to eat. I most of all want to have a conversation with someone. But it is not happening.
Even in church, I spoke with no one. OK I did state that no one spoke to me. It is a two way streak. I could just say hello to someone. Just to depressed to do that.
I want to hide from the world, but I want to be out and around people.
I need to work, but it seems that I don't have it anymore.
I am really freaked out about my neck. This is the first time I have ever experienced something like this before. And of course I have a member of the so called family, saying I am faking it. I just don't want to work. Let me see now. I can't hold my arms straight out in front of me with out getting a severe headache and back ache.
The worse part is that the typing position is killing me . I have this cervical collar but it is not doing what is suppose to do. It is my C spine that needs to be covered. Where the neck meets the shoulders.
I am seeing a physiotherapist tomorrow to have an assessment done to determine the correct cervical collar for my needs and take action to get it.. I just ran across them by accident . I was looking for this shop that has cervical collars and I walked into there and asked if they knew where it was. So tomorrow afternoon I see them. Good I guess.
But in the mean time, I am in pain. I can't help but repeat it over and over again. I am sure you are tired of hearing it.
Now I can't type anymore. I really can't do it.
Until the next time.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https//www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC,
Canada.
V4B0A7
Well it is getting very close to Christmas day and I am truly alone.Not a soul has contacted me. The few friends that I do have have not even mentioned about coming by for a visit. I have nothing, so that is why. Or I am just to depressing for anyone to deal with. Well come on....... I don't want to celebrate Christmas, the first Christmas without my mother. I am completely broke and have absolutely nothing.
It would be nice to have something. Anything. Better than nothing.Which by the way, is going to be exactly what is going to happen this Christmas.
Everything that is happening with this accident is getting worse. I am in extreme pain. I am having a hard time holding my head up. Well reading is difficult, both a book and my phone. Just typing is difficult. Just holding my arms out in the typing position causes pain in my neck. Just like I am a pain in your neck..........
I get sick and these headaches just don't go away. Again as mentioned the only comfortable position for me is flat on my back with a pillow supporting my neck.
Yea my depression is really bad. I miss my mother. I miss decorating her room and singing Christmas songs for her, I miss watching Christmas movies with her. And then there is the Christmas dinner I would of made for her. Now nothing. Just by myself and I really am by myself.
I have never experienced this before. No one around. No friends. No one to talk to or watch a movie with. Just alone. It is the strangest feeling. I am bored I am anxious, I am stressed out.I am in pain. Not just physically but emotionally as well. I am extremely tired. I am not sleeping. I want to sleep, but can't. I am hungry but I don't want to eat. I most of all want to have a conversation with someone. But it is not happening.
Even in church, I spoke with no one. OK I did state that no one spoke to me. It is a two way streak. I could just say hello to someone. Just to depressed to do that.
I want to hide from the world, but I want to be out and around people.
I need to work, but it seems that I don't have it anymore.
I am really freaked out about my neck. This is the first time I have ever experienced something like this before. And of course I have a member of the so called family, saying I am faking it. I just don't want to work. Let me see now. I can't hold my arms straight out in front of me with out getting a severe headache and back ache.
The worse part is that the typing position is killing me . I have this cervical collar but it is not doing what is suppose to do. It is my C spine that needs to be covered. Where the neck meets the shoulders.
I am seeing a physiotherapist tomorrow to have an assessment done to determine the correct cervical collar for my needs and take action to get it.. I just ran across them by accident . I was looking for this shop that has cervical collars and I walked into there and asked if they knew where it was. So tomorrow afternoon I see them. Good I guess.
But in the mean time, I am in pain. I can't help but repeat it over and over again. I am sure you are tired of hearing it.
Now I can't type anymore. I really can't do it.
Until the next time.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https//www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC,
Canada.
V4B0A7
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Yea still no Christmas spirit and counting
Hello again
I over did it yesterday and my neck is not doing well. And the neck brace is the wrong brace for me. It rests on the spot that is injured, not covering it and supporting it. So I now have to start looking for a hard brace, not the soft one I have now. I looked for this, knowing I needed the other. I just could not find one. I guess I didn't look hard enough.
I am cold now, just cold. I can't seem to warm up.
Well no one is even attempting to show me any kind of Christmas cheer. I went to church again today. I just went to the one I went to last week.What I noticed is that the church band doesn't play any music that is really inspirational. It is OK and slightly modern, but not uplifting or inspiring. It seems just monotone, I am use to uplifting music. I guess you can call it modern Christian music. Upbeat.
I will continue looking after Christmas.
I am not feeling it. The Christmas cheer. I can't even bring myself to wish anyone a Merry Christmas. I just can't do it. At all. I guess you get that from my attitude. Why would I have any other kind of attitude.
A week and a half before the day and nothing is getting better. In fact everything is getting worse off. I can't get out and do anything. No funds for the bus. I am not one to just sit and watch TV not my thing. Sure I have some TV shows I like, but I just can't sit and watch TV. I dislike commercials. What I download is commercial free. And no matter how many channels I have, there is nothing on that I wish to watch.
Not a single person spoke to me at the church today Not even a hello. So in and out I went. They spoke on giving money. It started out well enough. To give to help the community, but not this community. Some place in Uganda. Then spoke on the fact that they need another, well many many thousands of dollars to give to this place. There was no sermon today.
I am alone and it is starting to get to me. The couple I know won't come over to visit unless I am asking them over for dinner. I have nothing to offer them. They still have not asked me over for a dinner. Even though they know I am hurting. Broke. And without someone to even celebrate the holidays with.
I am running out of groceries. The fridge is looking very lonely. Even though I go to the food bank, they don't give enough for a single person to last any time at all. Yes I do very much appreciate the fact that I can go and at least get something.
Behind on everything.
I get that, but it is not even having someone to be with. Someone to understand what I am going through.
I have checked out how many resumes I have sent out and the amount of interviews I have been on. It is over 50 resumes I have sent out and 15 interviews that I have gone on. Everything goes well in the interviews until I open my mouth wide and they see my missing teeth and how bad my teeth are. That is the end of the interview. I mean just like that. Over.
So to say I am not looking or trying is,well, BS. I have no idea what is wrong. By now I should have the interview down pat.
Nothing and more of nothing I am becoming more and more depressed. Each and everyday. It is not very good.
I say I don't have cancer. But I do have a bleeding ulcer.I am happy I don't have cancer. But another thing that is upsetting. A bleeding ulcer is nothing to sneeze at.
It is hurting me to much to continue to type this evening. I need to go.
All I really do want is just one Christmas present to make me believe again. Haven't had a Christmas gift in, I would say 15 or more years.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Below is my mailing address if anyone wants to send me a letter or whatever.
Kristopher Schmuland
# 409- 15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock BC. Canada
V4B0A7
I over did it yesterday and my neck is not doing well. And the neck brace is the wrong brace for me. It rests on the spot that is injured, not covering it and supporting it. So I now have to start looking for a hard brace, not the soft one I have now. I looked for this, knowing I needed the other. I just could not find one. I guess I didn't look hard enough.
I am cold now, just cold. I can't seem to warm up.
Well no one is even attempting to show me any kind of Christmas cheer. I went to church again today. I just went to the one I went to last week.What I noticed is that the church band doesn't play any music that is really inspirational. It is OK and slightly modern, but not uplifting or inspiring. It seems just monotone, I am use to uplifting music. I guess you can call it modern Christian music. Upbeat.
I will continue looking after Christmas.
I am not feeling it. The Christmas cheer. I can't even bring myself to wish anyone a Merry Christmas. I just can't do it. At all. I guess you get that from my attitude. Why would I have any other kind of attitude.
A week and a half before the day and nothing is getting better. In fact everything is getting worse off. I can't get out and do anything. No funds for the bus. I am not one to just sit and watch TV not my thing. Sure I have some TV shows I like, but I just can't sit and watch TV. I dislike commercials. What I download is commercial free. And no matter how many channels I have, there is nothing on that I wish to watch.
Not a single person spoke to me at the church today Not even a hello. So in and out I went. They spoke on giving money. It started out well enough. To give to help the community, but not this community. Some place in Uganda. Then spoke on the fact that they need another, well many many thousands of dollars to give to this place. There was no sermon today.
I am alone and it is starting to get to me. The couple I know won't come over to visit unless I am asking them over for dinner. I have nothing to offer them. They still have not asked me over for a dinner. Even though they know I am hurting. Broke. And without someone to even celebrate the holidays with.
I am running out of groceries. The fridge is looking very lonely. Even though I go to the food bank, they don't give enough for a single person to last any time at all. Yes I do very much appreciate the fact that I can go and at least get something.
Behind on everything.
I get that, but it is not even having someone to be with. Someone to understand what I am going through.
I have checked out how many resumes I have sent out and the amount of interviews I have been on. It is over 50 resumes I have sent out and 15 interviews that I have gone on. Everything goes well in the interviews until I open my mouth wide and they see my missing teeth and how bad my teeth are. That is the end of the interview. I mean just like that. Over.
So to say I am not looking or trying is,well, BS. I have no idea what is wrong. By now I should have the interview down pat.
Nothing and more of nothing I am becoming more and more depressed. Each and everyday. It is not very good.
I say I don't have cancer. But I do have a bleeding ulcer.I am happy I don't have cancer. But another thing that is upsetting. A bleeding ulcer is nothing to sneeze at.
It is hurting me to much to continue to type this evening. I need to go.
All I really do want is just one Christmas present to make me believe again. Haven't had a Christmas gift in, I would say 15 or more years.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Below is my mailing address if anyone wants to send me a letter or whatever.
Kristopher Schmuland
# 409- 15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock BC. Canada
V4B0A7
Friday, December 9, 2016
Bah Humbug
Hello again
As the tittle of today's Blog states Bah Humbug.
Let us see now. I have no family to spend the holidays with
I have no friends to spend the holidays with
I have no money to do anything over the holidays with. Not even able to take a bus somewhere or have a cup of coffee/tea somewhere, yes that broke, over the holidays. Not even over the holidays. Now I can't even do that. I now have no money left on my bus card. I can't even buy myself a cup of tea anywhere.
The first year I am not spending the holidays with my mother. Who passed away this past January. Mom was my family and my only family.
Now I have none. Alone and lonely.
Now today, because of the snow, I had to keep looking down, my neck is just killing me. I have not eaten today and because of the pain. I am not hungry. I was going to make a nice dinner. Just not going to happen.
I am out and about today. Christmas is everywhere and I am not enjoying it at all. I just want to run and hide. I don't even want to go out and do anything. I don't want to see anything to do with Christmas
I have been to two Churches and spoken with the pastors. Telling them what is happening Nothing. One pastor tells me to leave my email and he will write me. No email, I call to speak with him and let him know I was at the church on Sunday. He never called me back. That give me allot of confidence in that church. They will do everything for the people who go to the church. But a person who is hurting and really needs some help or someone to be around. To maybe........ But nothing. I guess I won't be going to that church again. Not a single person reached out to me when I first went to either of these churches. Not a soul
When and where is this miracle everyone tells me that is going to come my way. I see nothing to even give me some direction. Or a person to say to me, how are you. Really how are you.
I thought that this time of the year, it is the time to reach out to your fellow man and console them or show them that everything is still OK.
I know that everyone doesn't get it or they just don't want to hear that someone is suffering. I know the only friends I have. They don't want to hear it. They where just telling me every good thing that is going to happen for them this season. All the people they are going to visit. Or the dinners they are going to And asking what I am going to do. They know what I am going to do. They know I am alone and lonely.
Just like everyone else.
So why should I even try. No one else is even considering that there is someone they know that has nothing and will be doing nothing No parties. No dinners. No nothing.
Yes pity me is what this sounds like. I just write what I am feeling. What is the truth.
I am hurting both physically and emotionally. And it seems that not a soul gives a crap. Not even the pastors or churches I have been too.
This is why I write like this. I am alone. For the first time in my life. I am truly alone.
I didn't get two more jobs I applied for. I have been to over a dozen job interviews, and I still don't have a job. I know it is because of my missing teeth .Everything is fine until I start to speak and then the interview changes. Very quickly.
What I need is new dentures.
What I need is a miracle.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
As the tittle of today's Blog states Bah Humbug.
Let us see now. I have no family to spend the holidays with
I have no friends to spend the holidays with
I have no money to do anything over the holidays with. Not even able to take a bus somewhere or have a cup of coffee/tea somewhere, yes that broke, over the holidays. Not even over the holidays. Now I can't even do that. I now have no money left on my bus card. I can't even buy myself a cup of tea anywhere.
The first year I am not spending the holidays with my mother. Who passed away this past January. Mom was my family and my only family.
Now I have none. Alone and lonely.
Now today, because of the snow, I had to keep looking down, my neck is just killing me. I have not eaten today and because of the pain. I am not hungry. I was going to make a nice dinner. Just not going to happen.
I am out and about today. Christmas is everywhere and I am not enjoying it at all. I just want to run and hide. I don't even want to go out and do anything. I don't want to see anything to do with Christmas
I have been to two Churches and spoken with the pastors. Telling them what is happening Nothing. One pastor tells me to leave my email and he will write me. No email, I call to speak with him and let him know I was at the church on Sunday. He never called me back. That give me allot of confidence in that church. They will do everything for the people who go to the church. But a person who is hurting and really needs some help or someone to be around. To maybe........ But nothing. I guess I won't be going to that church again. Not a single person reached out to me when I first went to either of these churches. Not a soul
When and where is this miracle everyone tells me that is going to come my way. I see nothing to even give me some direction. Or a person to say to me, how are you. Really how are you.
I thought that this time of the year, it is the time to reach out to your fellow man and console them or show them that everything is still OK.
I know that everyone doesn't get it or they just don't want to hear that someone is suffering. I know the only friends I have. They don't want to hear it. They where just telling me every good thing that is going to happen for them this season. All the people they are going to visit. Or the dinners they are going to And asking what I am going to do. They know what I am going to do. They know I am alone and lonely.
Just like everyone else.
So why should I even try. No one else is even considering that there is someone they know that has nothing and will be doing nothing No parties. No dinners. No nothing.
Yes pity me is what this sounds like. I just write what I am feeling. What is the truth.
I am hurting both physically and emotionally. And it seems that not a soul gives a crap. Not even the pastors or churches I have been too.
This is why I write like this. I am alone. For the first time in my life. I am truly alone.
I didn't get two more jobs I applied for. I have been to over a dozen job interviews, and I still don't have a job. I know it is because of my missing teeth .Everything is fine until I start to speak and then the interview changes. Very quickly.
What I need is new dentures.
What I need is a miracle.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Thursday, December 8, 2016
More me, me , me............. REALLY!
Hello again
Well I finally got my cervical collar. I don't like it at all, but so far my neck is not as painful. Maybe that has something to do with the painkillers. No, just the same painkillers I have been taking for years. A mild painkiller for nerve damage. Gabapentin. Just an extra 2 per day. I am suppose to take 6 tablets a day. I may take two. With all the injuries I have had in my life, I am use to pain. Very high pain threshold. To many broken bones and accidents.
A friend laughs at me. Tells me I am cursed. That the insurance company will start to call accident claims the Kris Schmuland. "Oh you got into a Kris Schmuland". I find it funny as well. The one friend I have.
I have been in many accidents. None my fault. I have the max discount for car insurance, even though I have been in many car accidents. I even fractured my lower back in one of them. And having all these disorders, makes me more susceptible to serious injuries.
Look it is weird. I do not get colds or flues. At all. Never get sick. I could be and I have many times, walk in the pouring rain,and nothing. I just don't get sick. Period. But I get injured allot. No spleen, soft bones. The doctors don't understand it either. But I go by what the doctors tell me. I don't just make any of these things up. I see specialists and get treatment. Again I am not on here just saying oh I have this or I have that.
Some people. OK someone that is related to me, Keeps telling me I am making this up, there is nothing wrong with you. Everything that is wrong with me is BS. I am just making it up. Then they, it happened this week, go on to tell me what kind of a looser I am, that the family has written me off, that my, recently passed away mother, would be ashamed of me.
I tell you this, My mother was so proud of me for taking care of her for all those years. To be by her side every single day, no matter what. To not stop. To never give up on her.Where these people were never there for her. Didn't give a crap that my mother was suffering and alone. Well she wasn't alone, I was there. I was there to the very end. I was there holding my mothers hand when she passed away. I was the one who fought for rights. Even though everyone else wouldn't lift a finger to do anything to make sure mom was taken care of properly. They would rather let the crappy health care, staff, allot of them, take care of her. Over medicate her.If I didn't think mom should be taking a certain medication, she didn't take it.I would make sure it was stopped.
And I receive the proper information on the medication from very well know sources. Mayo Clinic, Johns Hopkins.Berkley etc.. I would email them or call them. I knew what I was doing.
Then they go on to tell me that I am not intelligent. That I am stupid. Just a looser who thinks himself something he is not. Well having a high IQ doesn't mean I have it together. And I have my IQ tested often. From reputable sources.
And they would not stop. You see I don't care if they like me or not. I don't care if any member of that family likes me, or has written me off. I have not had anything to do with them in over a decade. This is why I say I have no family, I am alone without any support structure at all. And it is the truth. And this Christmas will suck. It has nothing to do with them. It has to do with the fact that this is the first Christmas without spending it with my mother. The first Christmas I will be alone.This is difficult to deal with. It is making me very depressed.
I am sure someone understands. I then tell them that I write this blog Oh yea, read it as well. And the blog has been read almost 50000 times, for all over this planet. They proceeded to inform me that there must be allot of sick people out there to read this. I will hear about this
This has been difficult for me to write tonight. I have needed to take many breaks to get this far. Over an hour so far. I will finish though. Even if it takes me another hour.
Now I am in pain, I am depressed. I do, however, have moments through out my day where I do laugh and smile. Or have a conversation with someone. But not friends. Don't have them.
I can no longer take the bus anywhere. No money left on my bus card. I used it up yesterday going for a job interview. Yes even though I am hurt and my doctor tells me I can't work. I went. How am I going to pay my bills. I am broke and without everything. At least when I had a full monthly pass on my card I could just get on the bus and go somewhere if I was bored or just needed to get out.
Now I am done for the night. Tomorrow
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https;//www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Well I finally got my cervical collar. I don't like it at all, but so far my neck is not as painful. Maybe that has something to do with the painkillers. No, just the same painkillers I have been taking for years. A mild painkiller for nerve damage. Gabapentin. Just an extra 2 per day. I am suppose to take 6 tablets a day. I may take two. With all the injuries I have had in my life, I am use to pain. Very high pain threshold. To many broken bones and accidents.
A friend laughs at me. Tells me I am cursed. That the insurance company will start to call accident claims the Kris Schmuland. "Oh you got into a Kris Schmuland". I find it funny as well. The one friend I have.
I have been in many accidents. None my fault. I have the max discount for car insurance, even though I have been in many car accidents. I even fractured my lower back in one of them. And having all these disorders, makes me more susceptible to serious injuries.
Look it is weird. I do not get colds or flues. At all. Never get sick. I could be and I have many times, walk in the pouring rain,and nothing. I just don't get sick. Period. But I get injured allot. No spleen, soft bones. The doctors don't understand it either. But I go by what the doctors tell me. I don't just make any of these things up. I see specialists and get treatment. Again I am not on here just saying oh I have this or I have that.
Some people. OK someone that is related to me, Keeps telling me I am making this up, there is nothing wrong with you. Everything that is wrong with me is BS. I am just making it up. Then they, it happened this week, go on to tell me what kind of a looser I am, that the family has written me off, that my, recently passed away mother, would be ashamed of me.
I tell you this, My mother was so proud of me for taking care of her for all those years. To be by her side every single day, no matter what. To not stop. To never give up on her.Where these people were never there for her. Didn't give a crap that my mother was suffering and alone. Well she wasn't alone, I was there. I was there to the very end. I was there holding my mothers hand when she passed away. I was the one who fought for rights. Even though everyone else wouldn't lift a finger to do anything to make sure mom was taken care of properly. They would rather let the crappy health care, staff, allot of them, take care of her. Over medicate her.If I didn't think mom should be taking a certain medication, she didn't take it.I would make sure it was stopped.
And I receive the proper information on the medication from very well know sources. Mayo Clinic, Johns Hopkins.Berkley etc.. I would email them or call them. I knew what I was doing.
Then they go on to tell me that I am not intelligent. That I am stupid. Just a looser who thinks himself something he is not. Well having a high IQ doesn't mean I have it together. And I have my IQ tested often. From reputable sources.
And they would not stop. You see I don't care if they like me or not. I don't care if any member of that family likes me, or has written me off. I have not had anything to do with them in over a decade. This is why I say I have no family, I am alone without any support structure at all. And it is the truth. And this Christmas will suck. It has nothing to do with them. It has to do with the fact that this is the first Christmas without spending it with my mother. The first Christmas I will be alone.This is difficult to deal with. It is making me very depressed.
I am sure someone understands. I then tell them that I write this blog Oh yea, read it as well. And the blog has been read almost 50000 times, for all over this planet. They proceeded to inform me that there must be allot of sick people out there to read this. I will hear about this
This has been difficult for me to write tonight. I have needed to take many breaks to get this far. Over an hour so far. I will finish though. Even if it takes me another hour.
Now I am in pain, I am depressed. I do, however, have moments through out my day where I do laugh and smile. Or have a conversation with someone. But not friends. Don't have them.
I can no longer take the bus anywhere. No money left on my bus card. I used it up yesterday going for a job interview. Yes even though I am hurt and my doctor tells me I can't work. I went. How am I going to pay my bills. I am broke and without everything. At least when I had a full monthly pass on my card I could just get on the bus and go somewhere if I was bored or just needed to get out.
Now I am done for the night. Tomorrow
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https;//www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Just a day in the life of me
Hello again
Well this morning off I went to the doctor. He gave me a prescription for a cervical collar. Telling me not to drive or work. You don't want to hurt your neck anymore than it is now. We have to work on getting it better and wait for the x rays. And another prescription for some medication, that by the way is not covered by my plan. $93. 36 I don't have this kind of or any kind of money.
I spoke with the insurance company and they tell me to pay for it and send in the receipt, they will pay me back. Not going to happen. Sorry it can't happen. No funds.
Now that I am injured, the interviews are starting to roll in. I have three booked this week. Knowing I am not going to be able to do any of them And one already wants me to start. That one is a distance away and not very accessible by transit.I will go to the interviews.
I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow as well. We all know I need an income. And if I can't do any of these jobs. I have to be compensated for the loss of wages. I will have my cervical collar within a day or two and no one will hire someone with serious neck problems.
The reality is the only real comfortable Position for me is lying down. Supporting my neck. Other than that my neck just hurts.
Well the other news is I don't have cancer, just a bleeding ulcer. Thats all.
I am tired of being alone.I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be alone this Christmas. It is to hard for me to take. Even going to these different churches is not finding me any solace. I am just getting more depressed. To see all the families, couples etc.... I am alone and don't want to be. Again, especially this Christmas.
I am not that strong to deal with it. I haven't been alone for Christmas.
This is difficult to deal with. The accident, the loneliness, the nothing.
I can't type anymore I am in to much pain. I needed to be out seeing the doctor and other things. But with the ice it was more than difficult to walk today. I needed to be looking downwards at all times. Thus creating the pain I feel today.
Sorry I am ending this now.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https;//www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Please pray or send help.
Well this morning off I went to the doctor. He gave me a prescription for a cervical collar. Telling me not to drive or work. You don't want to hurt your neck anymore than it is now. We have to work on getting it better and wait for the x rays. And another prescription for some medication, that by the way is not covered by my plan. $93. 36 I don't have this kind of or any kind of money.
I spoke with the insurance company and they tell me to pay for it and send in the receipt, they will pay me back. Not going to happen. Sorry it can't happen. No funds.
Now that I am injured, the interviews are starting to roll in. I have three booked this week. Knowing I am not going to be able to do any of them And one already wants me to start. That one is a distance away and not very accessible by transit.I will go to the interviews.
I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow as well. We all know I need an income. And if I can't do any of these jobs. I have to be compensated for the loss of wages. I will have my cervical collar within a day or two and no one will hire someone with serious neck problems.
The reality is the only real comfortable Position for me is lying down. Supporting my neck. Other than that my neck just hurts.
Well the other news is I don't have cancer, just a bleeding ulcer. Thats all.
I am tired of being alone.I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be alone this Christmas. It is to hard for me to take. Even going to these different churches is not finding me any solace. I am just getting more depressed. To see all the families, couples etc.... I am alone and don't want to be. Again, especially this Christmas.
I am not that strong to deal with it. I haven't been alone for Christmas.
This is difficult to deal with. The accident, the loneliness, the nothing.
I can't type anymore I am in to much pain. I needed to be out seeing the doctor and other things. But with the ice it was more than difficult to walk today. I needed to be looking downwards at all times. Thus creating the pain I feel today.
Sorry I am ending this now.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https;//www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Please pray or send help.
Monday, December 5, 2016
And the snow is upon us. Doesn't make a difference to me.+
Hello again
Well snowing in the Lower Mainland. 10 cm. It is OK. Everyone around me is saying, It is beginning to look allot like Christmas. Again I am saying I HATE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I See no change coming anytime soon. WHY, Someone please tell me WHY I should care about Christmas. I am going to church. But that has nothing to do with Christmas or even getting to know other Christians. Yes they are speaking on ADVENT. Oh well. I am listening. I am going to church because I am a Christian and I believe I should be going back to church again. Nothing more Nothing less. Not as the pastor tells me. Meet me at the church and I will introduce you to others. Then not being able to be found. Not going to church for that.
OK this last church was nice. Better than the first one I went too. But I am not sure. It doesn't really strike my soul deeply. This is what I think it should do. To let me know that this is the church for me. Or maybe I should just go to this church for a little bit and see what happens or how I feel is the right response.
Now I went to the doctors this morning. To complain about the neck pain I am feeling. Just as I am feeling it now. I didn't even want to write tonight, as I am in serious pain and can barely hold my head up. I just want to lay down.
I went and there was not that much of a wait. I got into the doctors room, then the doctor came by the room and said He can wait. And then repeated it. I heard this and said Excuse me He can wait. So the doctor came in and immediately stated to me that I should be seeing my own doctor. That ICBC wants you to only see one doctor. For continuity purposes. I quickly explained to the doctor I am here because I cannot get into see my own doctor. I am here because I am freaked out about my neck. I am worried and afraid that something serious could be wrong with me. So he asked me if I was on any pain killers. NO I stated. I am not here for pain killers. I am worried about my neck. Did you get x rays. NO. OK I can get you into have x rays done. He writes out the form, gives it to me, telling me he put my doctors name on it, tells me to go to the hospital for the x rays I go and wait. Then I am called up.I give my information and the nurse tells me that the form is not filled out properly and she will fax it off to have it filled out completely. It didn't even have what the x ray was for, written on it. The nurse tells me to have a seat and it shouldn't take long. 1 hours later she comes back and tells me that they haven't faxed the information back. That they are now on lunch and would not be back until 1 pm. It is a little after noon at this point.
I say that it might be better if I walked back up and get them to fill it out properly right away. Off I went. I arrived at the walk in clinic and the nurse tells me that the doctor is on lunch and can't find him. I say couldn't you just fill it out. It just so happened that another doctor was there and filled it out for me. Then back to the hospital. In the the x ray waiting area. Finally I had the x rays done. Now to wait. It is OK, I see my own doctor tomorrow morning.
I need something to support my neck. It is really bothering me now. I have been up since 7 this morning and nothing has been supporting my neck. I get ill just having my neck in pain like this. It is very difficult to keep my neck upright. To hard to keep my arms up to read my phone or a book. I am trying I do like to read.Can't hold my arms up to read or hold my phone for any length of time. I just need to lay down. I think I need a cervical collar. Just to keep my head up and relieve the pressure on my neck...
So I will finish now. I have some other news, but it will have to wait until tomorrow.
Please help out. For my mother and for the fix of my teeth. It also hurts to eat. I have not eaten properly in almost a month now. Just to painful.
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
GOD bless you and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Well snowing in the Lower Mainland. 10 cm. It is OK. Everyone around me is saying, It is beginning to look allot like Christmas. Again I am saying I HATE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I See no change coming anytime soon. WHY, Someone please tell me WHY I should care about Christmas. I am going to church. But that has nothing to do with Christmas or even getting to know other Christians. Yes they are speaking on ADVENT. Oh well. I am listening. I am going to church because I am a Christian and I believe I should be going back to church again. Nothing more Nothing less. Not as the pastor tells me. Meet me at the church and I will introduce you to others. Then not being able to be found. Not going to church for that.
OK this last church was nice. Better than the first one I went too. But I am not sure. It doesn't really strike my soul deeply. This is what I think it should do. To let me know that this is the church for me. Or maybe I should just go to this church for a little bit and see what happens or how I feel is the right response.
Now I went to the doctors this morning. To complain about the neck pain I am feeling. Just as I am feeling it now. I didn't even want to write tonight, as I am in serious pain and can barely hold my head up. I just want to lay down.
I went and there was not that much of a wait. I got into the doctors room, then the doctor came by the room and said He can wait. And then repeated it. I heard this and said Excuse me He can wait. So the doctor came in and immediately stated to me that I should be seeing my own doctor. That ICBC wants you to only see one doctor. For continuity purposes. I quickly explained to the doctor I am here because I cannot get into see my own doctor. I am here because I am freaked out about my neck. I am worried and afraid that something serious could be wrong with me. So he asked me if I was on any pain killers. NO I stated. I am not here for pain killers. I am worried about my neck. Did you get x rays. NO. OK I can get you into have x rays done. He writes out the form, gives it to me, telling me he put my doctors name on it, tells me to go to the hospital for the x rays I go and wait. Then I am called up.I give my information and the nurse tells me that the form is not filled out properly and she will fax it off to have it filled out completely. It didn't even have what the x ray was for, written on it. The nurse tells me to have a seat and it shouldn't take long. 1 hours later she comes back and tells me that they haven't faxed the information back. That they are now on lunch and would not be back until 1 pm. It is a little after noon at this point.
I say that it might be better if I walked back up and get them to fill it out properly right away. Off I went. I arrived at the walk in clinic and the nurse tells me that the doctor is on lunch and can't find him. I say couldn't you just fill it out. It just so happened that another doctor was there and filled it out for me. Then back to the hospital. In the the x ray waiting area. Finally I had the x rays done. Now to wait. It is OK, I see my own doctor tomorrow morning.
I need something to support my neck. It is really bothering me now. I have been up since 7 this morning and nothing has been supporting my neck. I get ill just having my neck in pain like this. It is very difficult to keep my neck upright. To hard to keep my arms up to read my phone or a book. I am trying I do like to read.Can't hold my arms up to read or hold my phone for any length of time. I just need to lay down. I think I need a cervical collar. Just to keep my head up and relieve the pressure on my neck...
So I will finish now. I have some other news, but it will have to wait until tomorrow.
Please help out. For my mother and for the fix of my teeth. It also hurts to eat. I have not eaten properly in almost a month now. Just to painful.
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
GOD bless you and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Just not doing well, at all
Hello again
I could not write for a few days as my neck and shoulders were and are to sore to do anything. The most comfortable position for my neck is lying down. Period. Otherwise,within a few hours I am getting a major headache and stiff neck. As well as I am getting nauseous , ready to throw up. I can't bend my neck downwards at all. To read I need to hold my phone or a book, straight in front of me. And this alone, causes my neck to become painful. Looking down is not a thing for me now.
I am really afraid now. I think there is something seriously wrong with my neck. Not just whiplash. Off to a doctor tomorrow morning. I want x-rays done on my neck. I have been in many accidents and I have never felt like this before. It is not just my back and legs that are affected, but the most important part of my body. My neck. I am terrified that there is something seriously wrong with my neck. As in a fracture or like that.I am afraid that if I do anything to strenuous I will become paralyzed. Yes I am that worried.
Worried on top of everything else that is wrong with me. This is just to much for me to take, especially since this is the first Christmas I am going without my mother. Being truly alone is not very fun. Just thinking about it make me very depressed. I,for the first time, have no one in my life. Not a soul to call a friend.
I went to church again today. I spoke with t he pastor the other day and asked what am I doing wrong. Am I am bad person. He told me to come today and he will introduce me to some people. Well he was there, but I couldn't find him until it was to late. He was already starting to teach this class. I will call him tomorrow as well, to just let him know I was actually there.
But here I am,alone, sitting in front of my computer, typing away. complaining that I am alone. I don't even have enough money to pay for a monthly bus pass. If I had the funds, I would at least get out and go somewhere. I know I would be able to have a conversation with someone. Even if I didn't even know them. I am good that way. OK, people will just start having a conversation with me. And in know time, I will know their life story. OK with me. I make a new friend. A friend for the moment.
Aways has been that way with me. But alas, no monthly bus pass. This is going to make it difficult to get to a job interview. I sold my printer to pay for my phone. That is one thing off the, I need funds now, thing. Nothing else is selling. Barely a phone call on the other things.
I am trying, trying very hard. People keep saying you are having a difficult time now. YES I AM! and it is getting harder by the day. Just typing is killing my shoulders. And I am resting my arms on the desk. Dresser. Just holding them out in the typing position is causing the pain to flare up.
And my neck.
I need to stop now. I can't go on with this tonight.
Please pray.
Oh yea, my tooth ache is not going away and I am taking anti biotics.
Please support my dental work.
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
I could not write for a few days as my neck and shoulders were and are to sore to do anything. The most comfortable position for my neck is lying down. Period. Otherwise,within a few hours I am getting a major headache and stiff neck. As well as I am getting nauseous , ready to throw up. I can't bend my neck downwards at all. To read I need to hold my phone or a book, straight in front of me. And this alone, causes my neck to become painful. Looking down is not a thing for me now.
I am really afraid now. I think there is something seriously wrong with my neck. Not just whiplash. Off to a doctor tomorrow morning. I want x-rays done on my neck. I have been in many accidents and I have never felt like this before. It is not just my back and legs that are affected, but the most important part of my body. My neck. I am terrified that there is something seriously wrong with my neck. As in a fracture or like that.I am afraid that if I do anything to strenuous I will become paralyzed. Yes I am that worried.
Worried on top of everything else that is wrong with me. This is just to much for me to take, especially since this is the first Christmas I am going without my mother. Being truly alone is not very fun. Just thinking about it make me very depressed. I,for the first time, have no one in my life. Not a soul to call a friend.
I went to church again today. I spoke with t he pastor the other day and asked what am I doing wrong. Am I am bad person. He told me to come today and he will introduce me to some people. Well he was there, but I couldn't find him until it was to late. He was already starting to teach this class. I will call him tomorrow as well, to just let him know I was actually there.
But here I am,alone, sitting in front of my computer, typing away. complaining that I am alone. I don't even have enough money to pay for a monthly bus pass. If I had the funds, I would at least get out and go somewhere. I know I would be able to have a conversation with someone. Even if I didn't even know them. I am good that way. OK, people will just start having a conversation with me. And in know time, I will know their life story. OK with me. I make a new friend. A friend for the moment.
Aways has been that way with me. But alas, no monthly bus pass. This is going to make it difficult to get to a job interview. I sold my printer to pay for my phone. That is one thing off the, I need funds now, thing. Nothing else is selling. Barely a phone call on the other things.
I am trying, trying very hard. People keep saying you are having a difficult time now. YES I AM! and it is getting harder by the day. Just typing is killing my shoulders. And I am resting my arms on the desk. Dresser. Just holding them out in the typing position is causing the pain to flare up.
And my neck.
I need to stop now. I can't go on with this tonight.
Please pray.
Oh yea, my tooth ache is not going away and I am taking anti biotics.
Please support my dental work.
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Saturday, December 3, 2016
I am not getting it. To be a good person?
Hello again
I can say this. I can no longer bend my neck to read anything. I get an instant headache. I can't hold my arms up to read with my head straight on. I get an instant headache and my back and shoulders kills me.
GREAT! isn't it. On top of not having a bus pass. I was able to get the funds for the phone. So that is working again.
I now have 20 resumes out there, as of today. I need a bus pass and phone to get a job. Now one thing is behind me, I can get working or...................
I did get to see the advocate today. Good news there.
Well not all bad, but I am in serious pain. Besides everything else that is wrong with me. I have not heard anything back yet about my cancer testing from this week. No news is good news they tell me. Whoever they are.
I am still not sleeping, Just getting by on a few hours of sleep each night. I don't want to take anything to help me sleep, if I do, I won't be able to get up in the morning to get anything done. So I am just walking around in a daze........ It is not that bad, as people are smiling at me I think.
So here I am. I need to get the funds together for a bus pass, because at a certain point, they just don't offer the monthly pass anymore. Then it becomes very expensive.
So I walk alone again. No friends anymore. I had nothing to do with this. OK, maybe because I am broke and have nothing at Christmas time.So everyone thinks I am a downer.. Depressing etc......
I feel for them.. But to bad they feel this way.
The worse part is I am completely alone now. Before I was taking care of mo and always had someone to speak with. Now no one at all.
This is a bad time of the year to become completely alone
And it hurts that I have no one. It may sound selfish, but this year I would like a Christmas present. I have not had a Christmas present in over 15 years. A book, would be nice. None fiction about GOD. It didn't matter before because I had mom to take care of and just making her smile at Christmas time, decorating her room and making mom a Christmas dinner was good enough for me. Actually, that is all I ever needed. Just to make mom's Christmas and everyday the best it could be.
Now mom has passed away and I am truly alone. Truly alone.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Please help out
I can say this. I can no longer bend my neck to read anything. I get an instant headache. I can't hold my arms up to read with my head straight on. I get an instant headache and my back and shoulders kills me.
GREAT! isn't it. On top of not having a bus pass. I was able to get the funds for the phone. So that is working again.
I now have 20 resumes out there, as of today. I need a bus pass and phone to get a job. Now one thing is behind me, I can get working or...................
I did get to see the advocate today. Good news there.
Well not all bad, but I am in serious pain. Besides everything else that is wrong with me. I have not heard anything back yet about my cancer testing from this week. No news is good news they tell me. Whoever they are.
I am still not sleeping, Just getting by on a few hours of sleep each night. I don't want to take anything to help me sleep, if I do, I won't be able to get up in the morning to get anything done. So I am just walking around in a daze........ It is not that bad, as people are smiling at me I think.
So here I am. I need to get the funds together for a bus pass, because at a certain point, they just don't offer the monthly pass anymore. Then it becomes very expensive.
So I walk alone again. No friends anymore. I had nothing to do with this. OK, maybe because I am broke and have nothing at Christmas time.So everyone thinks I am a downer.. Depressing etc......
I feel for them.. But to bad they feel this way.
The worse part is I am completely alone now. Before I was taking care of mo and always had someone to speak with. Now no one at all.
This is a bad time of the year to become completely alone
And it hurts that I have no one. It may sound selfish, but this year I would like a Christmas present. I have not had a Christmas present in over 15 years. A book, would be nice. None fiction about GOD. It didn't matter before because I had mom to take care of and just making her smile at Christmas time, decorating her room and making mom a Christmas dinner was good enough for me. Actually, that is all I ever needed. Just to make mom's Christmas and everyday the best it could be.
Now mom has passed away and I am truly alone. Truly alone.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Please help out
Thursday, December 1, 2016
This is the first time, that I can remember that..............
Hello again
I am going to suffer through this tonight. Yes it hurts allot to type, but I need to do this. The pain from this accident is not getting better. I can't even read my phone or anything with my head down. I need to hold things directly in-front of me. Otherwise my neck gets really sore and I get a huge headache. This is not fun. My back, the lower and upper back, hurt like crazy now. And I sit up straight when sitting. I have my shoulders back. I try not to slouch.
Oh yes I went for my testing for cancer today. Not sure what the name is,forgot and keep forgetting. They take a scope and put it............ up............ I am sure you get it. I will let you know.
Now today at midnight, my time, my phone will no longer work( I am month to month) ( Great plan, but month to month.) Runs out at Midnight my time. November 30. On top of this, my bus pass is done for the month. I need to reload my Compass Card. No funds for this either. This is the first time that I can remember that I have not had a phone, not be able to pay for my phone. To not have a bus pass or be able to load my Compass Card The phone bill is not that much $67.00 and to reload the compass card is only $124.00 As you can see it is not much, but when you have nothing, I mean nothing, this is allot of money.
The first time that I can remember. I would not have to deal with the pass issue if my, so called friends, would of kept their promise I never asked for their help, they offered me, then changed their minds.I am trying to sell what little I have left to pay for these two expenses. And I have nothing.
All I need is the phone and pass and I am good. All good. Because I feel I am getting close. I have so many resumes out there now. This week alone it has been over a dozen 12, resumes that I have sent out.. Went for an interview today, but I wasn't offered the job on the spot. So that means they will call me if they want me. But not having a phone, makes that impossible for them to contact me.
This is not news to me, I knew the problems a month ago and all I have been doing is look for work, to on interviews, call the companies which I sent resumes too. Etc.................. And yet nothing. I just want to work. is that so much to ask for.........
Yet I have some, OK many serious problems. Health wise. And none of my problems will go away. I have them for life and they will just become worse as I get older. Parkinson's, Fybromialgia,, chronic fatigue syndrome plus all the other physical issues I have because of the many car accidents which I have been involved in. None my fault. And now, the possibility of cancer Pancreatic cancer( now I remember.)
Now the last thing for tonight. Christmas is upon us. 24 days left and I am completely alone. Not a soul to be around. No bus pass to get around, No phone to at least reach out to find help. I have usually completely set mom's room up by now and we are settling in to celebrate Christmas our own way. And this is a huge problem for me now.... It is really starting to get to me, not having mom around anymore. My first Christmas without her. Mom made Christmas for me. Mom was the one who made me get up and get out there to look for things to decorate her room with. To complete the look for her. To get new Christmas music together. To start to sing Christmas songs with her. But no more and this makes me excessively sad and depressed.
Especially since I have nothing, no one around me, to speak with, to just be with. Have a coffee or tea have someone over for a movie or a bite to eat and just sit and keep each other company. I can't even get somewhere to even be with people. To go to a seniors home or shelter or outreach centre to assist with whatever they have going on for Christmas. Since I am not working and have the time.
So you say to bad to sad for you. This is the way I feel that everyone thinks of me. To bad and to sad for you and your life. I have problems of my own. Yes I am sorry to hear that.......
Most have family to celebrate, to spend time with. Or they have friends. I have none. No friends or family ... I am truly alone and this hurts me as well. Even the pastor was no help, yesterday. He brushed me off. I was not impressed with that. But I do understand where he was coming from. I just walked in off the street and he thought I was asking for the church to pay all of my expenses. Again not so.
I need some spiritual help. Really need some spiritual help. I am suffering. I know, I know.Yet here I am. Alone and with no one and nothing. Can't even get out there and help. To get myself out of myself.
Again I ask for any help. Tell someone please. If I killed myself, no one would even notice I was gone. They couldn't get ahold of me or contact me. Wait there is no one to do this anyways.
So I go now. I am in real pain now. Shoulders, back,neck arms and legs
https;www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https:www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
I am going to suffer through this tonight. Yes it hurts allot to type, but I need to do this. The pain from this accident is not getting better. I can't even read my phone or anything with my head down. I need to hold things directly in-front of me. Otherwise my neck gets really sore and I get a huge headache. This is not fun. My back, the lower and upper back, hurt like crazy now. And I sit up straight when sitting. I have my shoulders back. I try not to slouch.
Oh yes I went for my testing for cancer today. Not sure what the name is,forgot and keep forgetting. They take a scope and put it............ up............ I am sure you get it. I will let you know.
Now today at midnight, my time, my phone will no longer work( I am month to month) ( Great plan, but month to month.) Runs out at Midnight my time. November 30. On top of this, my bus pass is done for the month. I need to reload my Compass Card. No funds for this either. This is the first time that I can remember that I have not had a phone, not be able to pay for my phone. To not have a bus pass or be able to load my Compass Card The phone bill is not that much $67.00 and to reload the compass card is only $124.00 As you can see it is not much, but when you have nothing, I mean nothing, this is allot of money.
The first time that I can remember. I would not have to deal with the pass issue if my, so called friends, would of kept their promise I never asked for their help, they offered me, then changed their minds.I am trying to sell what little I have left to pay for these two expenses. And I have nothing.
All I need is the phone and pass and I am good. All good. Because I feel I am getting close. I have so many resumes out there now. This week alone it has been over a dozen 12, resumes that I have sent out.. Went for an interview today, but I wasn't offered the job on the spot. So that means they will call me if they want me. But not having a phone, makes that impossible for them to contact me.
This is not news to me, I knew the problems a month ago and all I have been doing is look for work, to on interviews, call the companies which I sent resumes too. Etc.................. And yet nothing. I just want to work. is that so much to ask for.........
Yet I have some, OK many serious problems. Health wise. And none of my problems will go away. I have them for life and they will just become worse as I get older. Parkinson's, Fybromialgia,, chronic fatigue syndrome plus all the other physical issues I have because of the many car accidents which I have been involved in. None my fault. And now, the possibility of cancer Pancreatic cancer( now I remember.)
Now the last thing for tonight. Christmas is upon us. 24 days left and I am completely alone. Not a soul to be around. No bus pass to get around, No phone to at least reach out to find help. I have usually completely set mom's room up by now and we are settling in to celebrate Christmas our own way. And this is a huge problem for me now.... It is really starting to get to me, not having mom around anymore. My first Christmas without her. Mom made Christmas for me. Mom was the one who made me get up and get out there to look for things to decorate her room with. To complete the look for her. To get new Christmas music together. To start to sing Christmas songs with her. But no more and this makes me excessively sad and depressed.
Especially since I have nothing, no one around me, to speak with, to just be with. Have a coffee or tea have someone over for a movie or a bite to eat and just sit and keep each other company. I can't even get somewhere to even be with people. To go to a seniors home or shelter or outreach centre to assist with whatever they have going on for Christmas. Since I am not working and have the time.
So you say to bad to sad for you. This is the way I feel that everyone thinks of me. To bad and to sad for you and your life. I have problems of my own. Yes I am sorry to hear that.......
Most have family to celebrate, to spend time with. Or they have friends. I have none. No friends or family ... I am truly alone and this hurts me as well. Even the pastor was no help, yesterday. He brushed me off. I was not impressed with that. But I do understand where he was coming from. I just walked in off the street and he thought I was asking for the church to pay all of my expenses. Again not so.
I need some spiritual help. Really need some spiritual help. I am suffering. I know, I know.Yet here I am. Alone and with no one and nothing. Can't even get out there and help. To get myself out of myself.
Again I ask for any help. Tell someone please. If I killed myself, no one would even notice I was gone. They couldn't get ahold of me or contact me. Wait there is no one to do this anyways.
So I go now. I am in real pain now. Shoulders, back,neck arms and legs
https;www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https:www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Getting ready
Hello again
Well saw the doctor and checked me out. He told me not to do much and take it easy. Well I am trying.
But I am upset that as of tomorrow night my bus pass is no longer any good and my phone will no longer work.
OK I have things for sale and just wish they would sell so I can get these things listed above.
I have so many things to do, so I am not sleeping well at all. I am afraid that if I do sleep I won't wake up for a while. I am very tired and probably should not be writing this. It hurts just to do this. It is a record or what is happening, pain wise.
After being checked out by the doctor I had such a bad head ache. I know I can't do allot of things right now. Let us hope it doesn't last to long.
Just trying to get by............
Went to speak with a pastor today,He told me the church couldn't help me out.. I then responded by saying to him, that I wasn't there for help I told him. Not financial help. But to try and figure out what the heck is going on. Nothing seems to be going right in my life. Or why I am doubting my faith. What is going, what am I doing wrong.
Yes I still need help,financially and ask you to donate to my cause.
I am embarrassed about my missing teeth. They still hurt and are infected. Nothing is going to change until I can afford to get the dentures. So still cannot eat properly.
Now I have to stop as I am in extreme pain. My shoulders hurt and my back and neck.
Tomorrow I go in for testing to see if I have cancer.Been doing the whole preparation for the testing, for the last several days. Will find out within a week if that is the case. This is another thing that is really worrying me now.Just adding to the list of everything else that I have been diagnosed with.
Oh well, I guess.
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Well saw the doctor and checked me out. He told me not to do much and take it easy. Well I am trying.
But I am upset that as of tomorrow night my bus pass is no longer any good and my phone will no longer work.
OK I have things for sale and just wish they would sell so I can get these things listed above.
I have so many things to do, so I am not sleeping well at all. I am afraid that if I do sleep I won't wake up for a while. I am very tired and probably should not be writing this. It hurts just to do this. It is a record or what is happening, pain wise.
After being checked out by the doctor I had such a bad head ache. I know I can't do allot of things right now. Let us hope it doesn't last to long.
Just trying to get by............
Went to speak with a pastor today,He told me the church couldn't help me out.. I then responded by saying to him, that I wasn't there for help I told him. Not financial help. But to try and figure out what the heck is going on. Nothing seems to be going right in my life. Or why I am doubting my faith. What is going, what am I doing wrong.
Yes I still need help,financially and ask you to donate to my cause.
I am embarrassed about my missing teeth. They still hurt and are infected. Nothing is going to change until I can afford to get the dentures. So still cannot eat properly.
Now I have to stop as I am in extreme pain. My shoulders hurt and my back and neck.
Tomorrow I go in for testing to see if I have cancer.Been doing the whole preparation for the testing, for the last several days. Will find out within a week if that is the case. This is another thing that is really worrying me now.Just adding to the list of everything else that I have been diagnosed with.
Oh well, I guess.
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Monday, November 28, 2016
Just getting worse part 2
Hello again
Though it was a good day, still things are just getting worse. At the end of this month I will no longer have a phone. I am on a month to month basis. Don't pay no phone I don't have $70. Then my bus pass runs out at the end of the month as well. I don't have $124 that I need. Someone did say they would help me. but when I called them today, they have changed their minds. They said it in front of me the other day, while making a big speech about maybe GOD is testing the people around you to see if anyone will step up.
I have another two interviews this week. Got the calls today. While on my way to see if the advocate was in. I have called and left messages. I got there and found out that she has not been in, no wonder she hasn't called me back, so when she does call back I need to go to see my advocate. I need a bus pass to do all of these things. I can't walk there. When I go to the interviews, I need a phone if they call and offer me the job.
And I am short on rent. I have most of it. Waiting for something. But that is going to take 10 days to happen. I have put everything I have up for sale on Craigslist at a cheap price, but not a single call, test or email.
Then I find out I am suppose to be covered for dentures, but not exactly. They will only cover a certain amount. They say it is 100% but in fact I would have to still pay $1600 they would cover the rest. Not the 100% they tell me and the denturest.
I am having a difficult time typing,it is hurting my arms, neck and back. Plus my legs hurt and it is difficult walking. My legs are shaking and in pain.
Yes I will get some funds for this accident, but not for 6 months or so. Depending on how cheap I wish to settle for. Have some other money coming in March. But these funds are not here now., When I need them.
I had it all figured out. Before I even moved in here. A job, which I got and everything would be OK. NOT Lost that one and two others that I was offered.
I did send off 6 more resumes today. And will do the same tomorrow.
I need to see my doctor tomorrow as well.
I am very tired. Didn`t sleep last night as I needed to be up for 7 am to call the advocate. I won`t get much sleep tonight either because of everything that went on today and I also have to speak with a pastor tomorrow morning....
So the person that offered to help me with the bus pass, said to me today, while telling me they changed their minds, that I see everything working out for you now. I didn`t even try to tell him what was going on. OK I did a little, he didn`t even listen or chose not to hear me. Which is actually what happened.
Now I am at rock bottom and I am not able to deal with any of this anymore.
I can`t type anymore it hurts to much. And my teeth are not getting any better, in fact they are getting worse. I have to stay this way until I can come up with $1600. In pain. And I can deal with pain, but not dental pain. So I don`t eat much. That is OK, no money for groceries either
Please help me with the dental problems. I need help with the bus pass and phone as well. but my teeth are causing me to loose jobs. I am not physically able to work construction or a warehouse, I need to work doing something lighter.
Please help.
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Though it was a good day, still things are just getting worse. At the end of this month I will no longer have a phone. I am on a month to month basis. Don't pay no phone I don't have $70. Then my bus pass runs out at the end of the month as well. I don't have $124 that I need. Someone did say they would help me. but when I called them today, they have changed their minds. They said it in front of me the other day, while making a big speech about maybe GOD is testing the people around you to see if anyone will step up.
I have another two interviews this week. Got the calls today. While on my way to see if the advocate was in. I have called and left messages. I got there and found out that she has not been in, no wonder she hasn't called me back, so when she does call back I need to go to see my advocate. I need a bus pass to do all of these things. I can't walk there. When I go to the interviews, I need a phone if they call and offer me the job.
And I am short on rent. I have most of it. Waiting for something. But that is going to take 10 days to happen. I have put everything I have up for sale on Craigslist at a cheap price, but not a single call, test or email.
Then I find out I am suppose to be covered for dentures, but not exactly. They will only cover a certain amount. They say it is 100% but in fact I would have to still pay $1600 they would cover the rest. Not the 100% they tell me and the denturest.
I am having a difficult time typing,it is hurting my arms, neck and back. Plus my legs hurt and it is difficult walking. My legs are shaking and in pain.
Yes I will get some funds for this accident, but not for 6 months or so. Depending on how cheap I wish to settle for. Have some other money coming in March. But these funds are not here now., When I need them.
I had it all figured out. Before I even moved in here. A job, which I got and everything would be OK. NOT Lost that one and two others that I was offered.
I did send off 6 more resumes today. And will do the same tomorrow.
I need to see my doctor tomorrow as well.
I am very tired. Didn`t sleep last night as I needed to be up for 7 am to call the advocate. I won`t get much sleep tonight either because of everything that went on today and I also have to speak with a pastor tomorrow morning....
So the person that offered to help me with the bus pass, said to me today, while telling me they changed their minds, that I see everything working out for you now. I didn`t even try to tell him what was going on. OK I did a little, he didn`t even listen or chose not to hear me. Which is actually what happened.
Now I am at rock bottom and I am not able to deal with any of this anymore.
I can`t type anymore it hurts to much. And my teeth are not getting any better, in fact they are getting worse. I have to stay this way until I can come up with $1600. In pain. And I can deal with pain, but not dental pain. So I don`t eat much. That is OK, no money for groceries either
Please help me with the dental problems. I need help with the bus pass and phone as well. but my teeth are causing me to loose jobs. I am not physically able to work construction or a warehouse, I need to work doing something lighter.
Please help.
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Sunday, November 27, 2016
I feel it even more......
Hello again
Well as the days go by, the pain and stiffness are getting worse. It is becoming more and more difficult to move my neck. Walking is hard as my lower legs feel the pain. They become numb after a while. So I can only walk so far, not as far as I could before, and that wasn't that far at all, before having to take a break.
This is the first time, maybe the second time I have written since the bus accident. And my shoulders and back are already hurting me. I just started to type this out. I wish I still had my back brace. I need it to sit up properly.
So anyways, since I don't sleep much anymore. With the pain of my teeth, which by the way, has come back again. And the pain of this accident, I decided to go to church today. The first time I have gone to church in many years. I rather enjoyed the service. Very pleasant. I needed the sermon today. It was spot on.......I just wish I could get my sleep pattern back together. Sleeping at night. Not staying awake all night long and getting hardly any sleep during the week.
The one thing that I didn't like about the service today, was that it is the start of Advant. And I am not liking Christmas this year at all. I am alone and lonely. I have no one to even speak with. One set of friends, a couple. So they are just getting by themselves. And have their own set of problems. They don't want to hear about my problems.
I would already have most of the Christmas decorations up at mom's, by now. Now they sit in boxes. I don't even want to set up any decorations. Not the same anymore. Why would I do this. I am struggling and I am not making it in this life. I thought I had most things going right,but that lasted as long as a pony ride. Which, being my size, doesn't last. Doesn't even get started.
Yes others are struggling as well, yet I feel that I am all alone. OK I am alone. Doesn't sit well, especially when, once church was finished, I had nothing to do, no where to go. Except if I wanted to just ride the bus. This I did. To know where and back.
I really miss mom, I miss decorating for her and seeing the smile on her face.
I ask again for your assistance. With prayer, emotionally, financially
I need to get my teeth fixed as soon as possible and mom's anniversary is coming up soon. A memorial service is in order
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless you and good night
Kris Schmuland
Well as the days go by, the pain and stiffness are getting worse. It is becoming more and more difficult to move my neck. Walking is hard as my lower legs feel the pain. They become numb after a while. So I can only walk so far, not as far as I could before, and that wasn't that far at all, before having to take a break.
This is the first time, maybe the second time I have written since the bus accident. And my shoulders and back are already hurting me. I just started to type this out. I wish I still had my back brace. I need it to sit up properly.
So anyways, since I don't sleep much anymore. With the pain of my teeth, which by the way, has come back again. And the pain of this accident, I decided to go to church today. The first time I have gone to church in many years. I rather enjoyed the service. Very pleasant. I needed the sermon today. It was spot on.......I just wish I could get my sleep pattern back together. Sleeping at night. Not staying awake all night long and getting hardly any sleep during the week.
The one thing that I didn't like about the service today, was that it is the start of Advant. And I am not liking Christmas this year at all. I am alone and lonely. I have no one to even speak with. One set of friends, a couple. So they are just getting by themselves. And have their own set of problems. They don't want to hear about my problems.
I would already have most of the Christmas decorations up at mom's, by now. Now they sit in boxes. I don't even want to set up any decorations. Not the same anymore. Why would I do this. I am struggling and I am not making it in this life. I thought I had most things going right,but that lasted as long as a pony ride. Which, being my size, doesn't last. Doesn't even get started.
Yes others are struggling as well, yet I feel that I am all alone. OK I am alone. Doesn't sit well, especially when, once church was finished, I had nothing to do, no where to go. Except if I wanted to just ride the bus. This I did. To know where and back.
I really miss mom, I miss decorating for her and seeing the smile on her face.
I ask again for your assistance. With prayer, emotionally, financially
I need to get my teeth fixed as soon as possible and mom's anniversary is coming up soon. A memorial service is in order
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless you and good night
Kris Schmuland
Friday, November 25, 2016
Does it ever stop
Hello again
I am not sure how much writing I can do this evening. I didn't get any sleep last night. I needed to file the claim with the insurance company ICBC and that took until 2:30 am to do that. Remember it was almost 1 when I got back home. Then dealing with the insurance company and all of there questions. Took forever. I had to eat after that.
So it was really late when I finished eating and I needed to be up and gone from the house by 9 am and needed to make several phone calls before that. Plus file a claim with the transit company as well. We in BC have one insurance company, for auto insurance and it is ICBC The insurance company of British Columbia.
So I just stayed up, in extreme pain. My back, knee's, legs and neck. All by the way are much worse off than yesterday.My legs, below my knee, were numb today.
After making these calls I left and took a bus to the medical clinic. Walk in as I was not able to see my regular Doctor on short notice. I will see him next week and the doctors report from today will be sent to my Doctor. Same office.
Well I had to wait over an hour to see the doctor. That was just in the waiting room, then another 15 minutes in the office.Good visit. The doctor checked me out, going for x rays for both knee's. I found it very difficult walking today. My back is really bad and I have shooting pain through out my middle and lower back. My neck is very stiff. Can't move my neck much at all.
OK my arms and shoulders are starting to get really sore now. The pain is becoming to much for me. I will write tomorrow.
This with my depression is killing me
I need help, real help. Help that will be immediate and certain
I never really thought is was going to be this bad. But I was wrong.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmulnad
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https:www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
To help out with everything.
No Christmas for me.I am liking this season less and less as the time is going on.
To many bad things going on.
I am not sure how much writing I can do this evening. I didn't get any sleep last night. I needed to file the claim with the insurance company ICBC and that took until 2:30 am to do that. Remember it was almost 1 when I got back home. Then dealing with the insurance company and all of there questions. Took forever. I had to eat after that.
So it was really late when I finished eating and I needed to be up and gone from the house by 9 am and needed to make several phone calls before that. Plus file a claim with the transit company as well. We in BC have one insurance company, for auto insurance and it is ICBC The insurance company of British Columbia.
So I just stayed up, in extreme pain. My back, knee's, legs and neck. All by the way are much worse off than yesterday.My legs, below my knee, were numb today.
After making these calls I left and took a bus to the medical clinic. Walk in as I was not able to see my regular Doctor on short notice. I will see him next week and the doctors report from today will be sent to my Doctor. Same office.
Well I had to wait over an hour to see the doctor. That was just in the waiting room, then another 15 minutes in the office.Good visit. The doctor checked me out, going for x rays for both knee's. I found it very difficult walking today. My back is really bad and I have shooting pain through out my middle and lower back. My neck is very stiff. Can't move my neck much at all.
OK my arms and shoulders are starting to get really sore now. The pain is becoming to much for me. I will write tomorrow.
This with my depression is killing me
I need help, real help. Help that will be immediate and certain
I never really thought is was going to be this bad. But I was wrong.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmulnad
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https:www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
To help out with everything.
No Christmas for me.I am liking this season less and less as the time is going on.
To many bad things going on.
On top of everything else...........
Hello again
Now it is known that I am going through things right now. Then tonight, while on the bus, the bus gets into an accident and hits another vehicle. All I heard was the driver lay on the horn and then the bus hit something. The bus came to a crashing stop. I fly forward and smashed my knee on the seat in front of me. Coming to a instant stop. My good knee. I could feel the pain right away. I then started to feel the stiff neck and latter the lower back pain. I have a huge lump where my knee hit the seat. The metal bottom of the seat. Hard to describe. I was sitting forward facing and in front of me was a seat facing to the side of the bus, it was down and I went flying forward extremely fast and stopped suddenly, because the seat stopped me. The girl on the other side of the bus went flying forward, off her seat and slide on the floor of the bus 10 feet. To the front of the bus. So did my bag. I was sitting near the window, the girl was sitting on the inside seat. Other wise that would of been me as well. The bus was going at least 30 km's when it hit the other vehicle. Before the bus slammed on its brakes. It took a second to hit the vehicle once the driver slammed on the brakes of the bus. Then we came to a dead stop.
It is hurting me just typing this out. The movement and the way I have to hold my arms to type, is causing this pain. Even more injured, than I thought.
I can't believe this happened again. I walk with a cane because of car accidents. Now again. This is just BS
So I have all of these things going on. I need help right away. And this is not helping matters much at all. I will be seeing my doctor first thing in the morning. My left knee is really hurting me now. My good knee. I walk with a cane because my right knee and hip was injured. In another accident.
I can't deal with the crap anymore. I need some serious assistance Right away.
Can anyone come to my rescue. Please I beg of you. I know I should not be asking for this but I don't have a choice.Everything is just wrong right now and needs some fixing.
GOD bless and goodnight
Kris Schmuland
https;//www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Now it is known that I am going through things right now. Then tonight, while on the bus, the bus gets into an accident and hits another vehicle. All I heard was the driver lay on the horn and then the bus hit something. The bus came to a crashing stop. I fly forward and smashed my knee on the seat in front of me. Coming to a instant stop. My good knee. I could feel the pain right away. I then started to feel the stiff neck and latter the lower back pain. I have a huge lump where my knee hit the seat. The metal bottom of the seat. Hard to describe. I was sitting forward facing and in front of me was a seat facing to the side of the bus, it was down and I went flying forward extremely fast and stopped suddenly, because the seat stopped me. The girl on the other side of the bus went flying forward, off her seat and slide on the floor of the bus 10 feet. To the front of the bus. So did my bag. I was sitting near the window, the girl was sitting on the inside seat. Other wise that would of been me as well. The bus was going at least 30 km's when it hit the other vehicle. Before the bus slammed on its brakes. It took a second to hit the vehicle once the driver slammed on the brakes of the bus. Then we came to a dead stop.
It is hurting me just typing this out. The movement and the way I have to hold my arms to type, is causing this pain. Even more injured, than I thought.
I can't believe this happened again. I walk with a cane because of car accidents. Now again. This is just BS
So I have all of these things going on. I need help right away. And this is not helping matters much at all. I will be seeing my doctor first thing in the morning. My left knee is really hurting me now. My good knee. I walk with a cane because my right knee and hip was injured. In another accident.
I can't deal with the crap anymore. I need some serious assistance Right away.
Can anyone come to my rescue. Please I beg of you. I know I should not be asking for this but I don't have a choice.Everything is just wrong right now and needs some fixing.
GOD bless and goodnight
Kris Schmuland
https;//www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
This is the season of nothing
Hello again
Well I am just desperate. I need some help and it is just not available to me. In any shape or form. I am trying. I keep trying to get a job, no luck so far.
My depression is in high gear. I really am trying to let it not get to me. It is very difficult to do. Sleep is being disturbed. I am just walking around in a cloud.
I am going to go and speak with a pastor to find out what is going on. The only friends I have are also wandering what is going on .. They know I am trying, they know I am not a bad person. I am not trying to do anything to anyone. I am not doing anything bad. I am doing what I can to help others. Doing what a good Christian should be doing. Trying anyways.
I don't expect anything. OK I wish for a miracle to happen right away. I need it.
I can't take this anymore. I am a good person. I am not evil
I use to enjoy Christmas, not anymore. I was harsh to say I hate Christmas, but it is getting there. Not kidding you.
What is it going to take to get out of this whole. If anyone has an answer let me know.
Can anyone help me with all of this.
I have a serious problem and I don't have an answer to it. Very serious. Cositnt more and more money each day.
OK that is it I don't know what to write
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Well I am just desperate. I need some help and it is just not available to me. In any shape or form. I am trying. I keep trying to get a job, no luck so far.
My depression is in high gear. I really am trying to let it not get to me. It is very difficult to do. Sleep is being disturbed. I am just walking around in a cloud.
I am going to go and speak with a pastor to find out what is going on. The only friends I have are also wandering what is going on .. They know I am trying, they know I am not a bad person. I am not trying to do anything to anyone. I am not doing anything bad. I am doing what I can to help others. Doing what a good Christian should be doing. Trying anyways.
I don't expect anything. OK I wish for a miracle to happen right away. I need it.
I can't take this anymore. I am a good person. I am not evil
I use to enjoy Christmas, not anymore. I was harsh to say I hate Christmas, but it is getting there. Not kidding you.
What is it going to take to get out of this whole. If anyone has an answer let me know.
Can anyone help me with all of this.
I have a serious problem and I don't have an answer to it. Very serious. Cositnt more and more money each day.
OK that is it I don't know what to write
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Monday, November 21, 2016
I know it is done
Hello again
The fact is, on top of everything I have wrong with me, I still have to go and get tested for Cancer. I am dealing with all my problems. But Cancer I can't deal with.
I am also a diabetic and I am to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yes, in theory, I am to do this. but when you have nothing. I have nothing. The fridge and cupboards are empty, so eating is out of the question. Not good for my diabetes.
I thought GOD would help me out. I don't expect GOD to help out without me doing something towards the problem. As you have been reading, I am trying to get a job. I get excited that I have a job and then, you know what happened. Even though these things are happening. I am still looking for work.
Christmas was always a good time of the year for me. Especially since I was able to make mom's Christmas excellent. But this year, with everything that is happening, Once diagnosis after the other. I can truly say I hate Christmas. I HATE CHRISTMAS. I can't say it loud enough.
There is nothing magical about this time of the year for me anymore. To the point where I can say I HATE CHRISTMAS. There is nothing I can see to happen to make me change my mind. I am alone, I have nothing, I try and try to no avail.
My teeth are still very painful, getting a little better, but still not well enough to eat anything to make a difference. Or to enjoy.
My phone has not rang in days. Anyone who I would care to speak with anyways. Yes people looking to make money off of me, Scams etc .... Oh yea and someone who needs to know what I am going to do about the urgent matter at hand.
So my depression worsens. I can't sleep, to the point where I am exhausted. Now if I try to sleep now I won't be able to sleep. Like this morning. 6 am rolled around and I was still awake. So I didn't sleep. My mistake is I took a nap this afternoon, now I am wide awake.
As I have written I just can't deal with anything anymore.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I need help now I really do mean that. I can't wait
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
The fact is, on top of everything I have wrong with me, I still have to go and get tested for Cancer. I am dealing with all my problems. But Cancer I can't deal with.
I am also a diabetic and I am to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yes, in theory, I am to do this. but when you have nothing. I have nothing. The fridge and cupboards are empty, so eating is out of the question. Not good for my diabetes.
I thought GOD would help me out. I don't expect GOD to help out without me doing something towards the problem. As you have been reading, I am trying to get a job. I get excited that I have a job and then, you know what happened. Even though these things are happening. I am still looking for work.
Christmas was always a good time of the year for me. Especially since I was able to make mom's Christmas excellent. But this year, with everything that is happening, Once diagnosis after the other. I can truly say I hate Christmas. I HATE CHRISTMAS. I can't say it loud enough.
There is nothing magical about this time of the year for me anymore. To the point where I can say I HATE CHRISTMAS. There is nothing I can see to happen to make me change my mind. I am alone, I have nothing, I try and try to no avail.
My teeth are still very painful, getting a little better, but still not well enough to eat anything to make a difference. Or to enjoy.
My phone has not rang in days. Anyone who I would care to speak with anyways. Yes people looking to make money off of me, Scams etc .... Oh yea and someone who needs to know what I am going to do about the urgent matter at hand.
So my depression worsens. I can't sleep, to the point where I am exhausted. Now if I try to sleep now I won't be able to sleep. Like this morning. 6 am rolled around and I was still awake. So I didn't sleep. My mistake is I took a nap this afternoon, now I am wide awake.
As I have written I just can't deal with anything anymore.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I need help now I really do mean that. I can't wait
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Bad luck continued
Hello again
The few friends I do have just don't want to hang around with me anymore, because they think I am just bad luck and it will rub off on them. Everything seems to be going wrong. I have never had problems like this when getting a job. Had 3 jobs, lost them all 2 before I even started. Got hired. They have said to me that I seem to be having so many bad things happening to me right now. So the one couple canceled the plans they had to come out and visit. And really emphasized the fact that I seem to be having so much bad luck. They don't have any answers for me. So rather than visit with me, they are just avoiding me. I will just have to accept this and move on. But move on to what, more bad luck.
I am going without sleep so I can get things done. OK it doesn't help that I am in so much pain that I can't sleep or eat. Getting a little better, a little. Can eat some soft things now. At least I am finally eating. Sleeping not so much. As tomorrow, I have things I need to do so if I can't sleep by a certain time, I stay up.
I am so stressed out I feel as if I am having a heart attack. I know it is stress and anxiety related. I do know I have high blood pressure. Just had it checked out. Doctor tells me it is a little high, need to get it down.
As I have said I can't deal with everything anymore. I am at the end of my rope.
Please pray or send your help. I believe that it is my missing teeth that might be causing me to loose these jobs.
htttps;//www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
This is very important for me. The infection will be gone in a few days, so I can go to the dentist and have the impacted teeth pulled out. But it does't help with the dentures I need. So I ask for help with this. I don't believe it is begging.
But I have an immideate problem that has to be solved. But I have no one I can call to help me with this. It does suck to be alone, with nobody to assist me with anything.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
The few friends I do have just don't want to hang around with me anymore, because they think I am just bad luck and it will rub off on them. Everything seems to be going wrong. I have never had problems like this when getting a job. Had 3 jobs, lost them all 2 before I even started. Got hired. They have said to me that I seem to be having so many bad things happening to me right now. So the one couple canceled the plans they had to come out and visit. And really emphasized the fact that I seem to be having so much bad luck. They don't have any answers for me. So rather than visit with me, they are just avoiding me. I will just have to accept this and move on. But move on to what, more bad luck.
I am going without sleep so I can get things done. OK it doesn't help that I am in so much pain that I can't sleep or eat. Getting a little better, a little. Can eat some soft things now. At least I am finally eating. Sleeping not so much. As tomorrow, I have things I need to do so if I can't sleep by a certain time, I stay up.
I am so stressed out I feel as if I am having a heart attack. I know it is stress and anxiety related. I do know I have high blood pressure. Just had it checked out. Doctor tells me it is a little high, need to get it down.
As I have said I can't deal with everything anymore. I am at the end of my rope.
Please pray or send your help. I believe that it is my missing teeth that might be causing me to loose these jobs.
htttps;//www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
This is very important for me. The infection will be gone in a few days, so I can go to the dentist and have the impacted teeth pulled out. But it does't help with the dentures I need. So I ask for help with this. I don't believe it is begging.
But I have an immideate problem that has to be solved. But I have no one I can call to help me with this. It does suck to be alone, with nobody to assist me with anything.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Saturday, November 19, 2016
I think I have had enough
Hello again
As it states I really am done. I have had enough. I have always thought of myself as a Christian with a belief in GOD But it is hard to do this now. I just lost another job, before I even started. They wanted me to start a certain day, as in Friday,, So I receive an email Thursday that read, We have decided to go another way, not to hire an additional driver.
Now that is three 3 jobs I had and lost. 1 I was working and they decided to go a different way, The other 2 I was given the job and lost it before I even started the job. Really!
Once again, I am not applying for jobs that are way out of my reach and saying, I am not getting a job. I am applying for a job. So I can just work and pay my bills. That is it. Nothing more. At the grocery store, drivers, gas stations, warehouses. Just a job to pay the bills. Is that really to much to ask of GOD..... And Jesus.
I came into this place, that I am living in, with a job. Then it was gone. I have bills, life everyone else. What will happen if I don't secure a job right away, is I will have to move. Basically I will be kicked out of here. I know I am not the only one with problems, But it seems mine are mounting greatly and quickly.
Then a very serious thing just happened to me last night. I have no money to fix it, nor do I have anyone to call or even ask for help. My fault I suppose. I mean nobody. Not single person to even speak with. I don't go to church, so no pastor to speak with. I have no friends, very lonely.
I have sat alone in this place for a week now, by myself. Besides looking for work. The phone doesn't ring. My emails are just junk emails. I can only take the bus so many places before I get bored of going. I read, still doesn't help.
I have barely slept because of this tooth ache, abscess. Yes I am now on anti biotics for it and mild pain killers. These pain killers help but they also keep me awake at night. So this week,I have barely slept. Last night 4 hours, the night before, nothing, the night before that 4 hours. Then for two day no sleep at all. OK the pain is also keeping me awake at night.
Yes I have medication to help me sleep, but I have things to do the next day and need to be up. Like look for work. So I don't want to take anything to help me sleep. So I don't sleep.
I need dental work, but don't have the funds to get the dentures I need.
It is now coming up upon Christmas and this is going to be a bad year. First year without mom, my only family. Besides everything else that is going on, this is going to make it worse.
So I can't do this anymore. I am done with everything.
I need a miracle from GOD Some divine intervention. Right away. I mean now.
I can't but keep asking for help. I really want to give mom her service this coming January. but I need to pay my rent, get and keep a job. Mainly dentures,as this seems to stop me from getting anything.
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
If anyone can help please, please do
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
As it states I really am done. I have had enough. I have always thought of myself as a Christian with a belief in GOD But it is hard to do this now. I just lost another job, before I even started. They wanted me to start a certain day, as in Friday,, So I receive an email Thursday that read, We have decided to go another way, not to hire an additional driver.
Now that is three 3 jobs I had and lost. 1 I was working and they decided to go a different way, The other 2 I was given the job and lost it before I even started the job. Really!
Once again, I am not applying for jobs that are way out of my reach and saying, I am not getting a job. I am applying for a job. So I can just work and pay my bills. That is it. Nothing more. At the grocery store, drivers, gas stations, warehouses. Just a job to pay the bills. Is that really to much to ask of GOD..... And Jesus.
I came into this place, that I am living in, with a job. Then it was gone. I have bills, life everyone else. What will happen if I don't secure a job right away, is I will have to move. Basically I will be kicked out of here. I know I am not the only one with problems, But it seems mine are mounting greatly and quickly.
Then a very serious thing just happened to me last night. I have no money to fix it, nor do I have anyone to call or even ask for help. My fault I suppose. I mean nobody. Not single person to even speak with. I don't go to church, so no pastor to speak with. I have no friends, very lonely.
I have sat alone in this place for a week now, by myself. Besides looking for work. The phone doesn't ring. My emails are just junk emails. I can only take the bus so many places before I get bored of going. I read, still doesn't help.
I have barely slept because of this tooth ache, abscess. Yes I am now on anti biotics for it and mild pain killers. These pain killers help but they also keep me awake at night. So this week,I have barely slept. Last night 4 hours, the night before, nothing, the night before that 4 hours. Then for two day no sleep at all. OK the pain is also keeping me awake at night.
Yes I have medication to help me sleep, but I have things to do the next day and need to be up. Like look for work. So I don't want to take anything to help me sleep. So I don't sleep.
I need dental work, but don't have the funds to get the dentures I need.
It is now coming up upon Christmas and this is going to be a bad year. First year without mom, my only family. Besides everything else that is going on, this is going to make it worse.
So I can't do this anymore. I am done with everything.
I need a miracle from GOD Some divine intervention. Right away. I mean now.
I can't but keep asking for help. I really want to give mom her service this coming January. but I need to pay my rent, get and keep a job. Mainly dentures,as this seems to stop me from getting anything.
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
If anyone can help please, please do
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Thursday, November 17, 2016
I am so very tired, thirsty and hungry, but.........
Hello again
As the title states I am those things, Very tired, hungry and thirsty. OK I can drink room temperature beverages. Not pleasant Can barely eat anything, Crackers and that is difficult. And because of the pain I can't even sleep at night.
So I go on.
I am awaiting a call from this one job, I was to go and give it a try. No call so far. I will call her tomorrow.
I went to see a counselor today. This was not a very good appointment. Not really a counselor. A social worker. We spoke for a hour and didn't discuss much at all. I will see him again, maybe next time it will be better. I hope so...
Now I am just getting more and more depressed as the days count down to December 24, 25. Yes Christmas.
The only time I would celebrate Christmas was with mom. And now,you know. I am watching Christmas movie after Christmas movie and nothing is even coming close to getting me in any kind of Christmas mood. Nothing. I am recording the movies and since I can't sleep I am watching them at night. Even though I am not even with it. Nothing! No spirit at all. Just going through the motion.
I will continue to record and watch the Christmas movies. Maybe, eventually I might get in the mood, the spirit might come upon me.
I went to the doctors as well this afternoon and this was a good appointment. We discussed something to help me with quiting smoking, but we got side tracked and forgot to get prescription for Chantix. I also got a shot for pneumonia. The nurse asked me how old I was and thought I was to young to get this shot, but I explained to her what my conditions were and she went OH.,. The arm hurts from the shot.
Oh well
So I will leave you now.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https;//www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https;//www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
As the title states I am those things, Very tired, hungry and thirsty. OK I can drink room temperature beverages. Not pleasant Can barely eat anything, Crackers and that is difficult. And because of the pain I can't even sleep at night.
So I go on.
I am awaiting a call from this one job, I was to go and give it a try. No call so far. I will call her tomorrow.
I went to see a counselor today. This was not a very good appointment. Not really a counselor. A social worker. We spoke for a hour and didn't discuss much at all. I will see him again, maybe next time it will be better. I hope so...
Now I am just getting more and more depressed as the days count down to December 24, 25. Yes Christmas.
The only time I would celebrate Christmas was with mom. And now,you know. I am watching Christmas movie after Christmas movie and nothing is even coming close to getting me in any kind of Christmas mood. Nothing. I am recording the movies and since I can't sleep I am watching them at night. Even though I am not even with it. Nothing! No spirit at all. Just going through the motion.
I will continue to record and watch the Christmas movies. Maybe, eventually I might get in the mood, the spirit might come upon me.
I went to the doctors as well this afternoon and this was a good appointment. We discussed something to help me with quiting smoking, but we got side tracked and forgot to get prescription for Chantix. I also got a shot for pneumonia. The nurse asked me how old I was and thought I was to young to get this shot, but I explained to her what my conditions were and she went OH.,. The arm hurts from the shot.
Oh well
So I will leave you now.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
https;//www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https;//www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Pain oh the pain
Hello again
I can deal with pain, allot of pain. I have had to deal with pain for a very long time. But this abscess is something completely different. I still can't eat or even drink anything besides something room temperature. I have not been able to sleep in 4 days now. Not even a hour of sleep. Not doing well. A little bit delirious. It is just to painful to sleep. And I have to do things the next day, so no point going to or trying to sleep when it is 5 in the morning.
I had another job interview today. This morning. Another reason I didn't sleep. It went well. Even though I was a very calm person. Very calm person. No sleep in days will make one very calm. So the interview went very well. She tells me that I seem like a solid person and would like to give me a try this week, Friday, or Monday. Great I say. It is good. But part time. 3 or 4 days a week. Here in lies another problem. They require me to wear black pants, black shirt and black shoes. OK they will supply the shirt and jacket I supply the pants and shoes. I have the black pants, but not the shoes. So now I need to come up with funds for black shoes. Shoes that are light and comfortable. By Friday or Monday. This takes funds,which I lack. At least I have a bus pass.
Now I am so very hungry, tired and thirsty. And it seems that none of these will be met. I now have to find money for black shoes tomorrow. I have two doctors appointments on Thursday.
I am not doing very well. Christmas is just blasting me in the face. Everywhere I turn more and more decorations are going up. And not having a family anymore, It is making me even more depressed. I don't know if I can get through this by myself or at all.
I have spent so many years having Christmas with my mother, I don't know what I am going to do. It is already affecting me. And it is only half way through the month of November.
I never knew it was going to be this difficult
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/ anewmesmile
Please pray for my salvation and assistance
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I can deal with pain, allot of pain. I have had to deal with pain for a very long time. But this abscess is something completely different. I still can't eat or even drink anything besides something room temperature. I have not been able to sleep in 4 days now. Not even a hour of sleep. Not doing well. A little bit delirious. It is just to painful to sleep. And I have to do things the next day, so no point going to or trying to sleep when it is 5 in the morning.
I had another job interview today. This morning. Another reason I didn't sleep. It went well. Even though I was a very calm person. Very calm person. No sleep in days will make one very calm. So the interview went very well. She tells me that I seem like a solid person and would like to give me a try this week, Friday, or Monday. Great I say. It is good. But part time. 3 or 4 days a week. Here in lies another problem. They require me to wear black pants, black shirt and black shoes. OK they will supply the shirt and jacket I supply the pants and shoes. I have the black pants, but not the shoes. So now I need to come up with funds for black shoes. Shoes that are light and comfortable. By Friday or Monday. This takes funds,which I lack. At least I have a bus pass.
Now I am so very hungry, tired and thirsty. And it seems that none of these will be met. I now have to find money for black shoes tomorrow. I have two doctors appointments on Thursday.
I am not doing very well. Christmas is just blasting me in the face. Everywhere I turn more and more decorations are going up. And not having a family anymore, It is making me even more depressed. I don't know if I can get through this by myself or at all.
I have spent so many years having Christmas with my mother, I don't know what I am going to do. It is already affecting me. And it is only half way through the month of November.
I never knew it was going to be this difficult
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/ anewmesmile
Please pray for my salvation and assistance
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Monday, November 14, 2016
And if it is not one thing, another surfaces
Hello again
I was telling y'all about a job I was going to this morning. I didn't sleep last night, in anticipation of starting this job. So I get up at 7 and get ready. I put on some good clothing, Tried to eat something ( more on this after) Off I went. I had no idea how long it would take me by bus to get there. So I leave at 8:15 I got to Langley by 9 am. An hour early. So I walk around. They didn't open until 10 am. I get there at 9:45 and wait.
The manager pulls up, gets out of her car and comes right over to me and tells me she is surprised to see me. She tells me that I didn't respond to the email telling me when to come in. That she hired someone else because I didn't respond to her email. She tells me that if I did respond there were things we needed to go over before I started. I pulled out my phone and went to the email mail. Because I did respond with Sounds good. She then proceeded to lecture me on not responding to her email for 5 minutes. Meanwhile I am holding my phone with the email open and my response to her. I didn't even get a chance to show her the email before she tells me that it is a kid she hired, that she needed to hire someone then and there. Again I am holding the phone with the email open. She then told me that I wasn't even dressed right. No cotton pants. Even though they were very nice pants and a nice dress shirt, good shoes. She then tells me she might have something else for me.
Well I don't have the clothing she wants me to wear. No dress pants. OK I have some dress pants, but they are not heamed. I don't have the $50 to even get this done. Remember $1.10 to my name. Another job gone. I didn't even have it before I even arrived.
Now this is just the start of my day. I haven't been able to eat because of the pain from the abscess of my tooth. I can deal with allot of pain, allot! But this is so painful, even when I breathe in cool air it hurts wildly. When I try to chew something it is so very painful. I can't even deal with it. I gave up a doctors appointment today,because I originally thought this job was to start tomorrow, So this morning, while waiting, called the doctors office to cancel the appointment. Right after I left the place I was on the phone seeing if I could get the appointment back, they just gave it away. They could of got me in at 11;30 am but I was in Langley and had to take the bus back to White Rock and wouldn't be able to get there in time. I need some antibiotics to clean this up before I can even see a dentist to remove the rest of the teeth on the bottom of my mouth. The one tooth and the two that are impacted. This is before I can even get dentures for my bottom. Well that can't happen anytime soon, as the dentist is covered, but not the dentures. Hence I have a campaign to raise money for new teeth. Both top and bottom .https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Now I also have an ear ache. This is a new one for me. Never before. I think it is related to the abscess, same side.
I am so very tired. After I got back to White Rock, I went to the job club and applied for some more jobs.
Look I started this job search months before I new I was moving.Move, need a job. I have applied for over 50 jobs now. And nothing. I am not just sitting around doing nothing. I am applying for more jobs each day. OK I am doing nothing and riding the bus at night, when I just don't want to sit around. I have no cable, just internet. So I can only watch so much on my computer and only write so much,before my arms start hurting Parkinson's and fybromialgia. I can get 15 minutes before I need to stop for awhile.
I need a job now or at the end of the month I will be homeless. I don't have the money to pay the full rent.Only half. But I also need a bus pass as well.
I sit alone, very alone. No one has even called me today. What do I expect, I don't know anyone. So who would call me.
I sit allot. That is why I just get on the bus and go for a ride. This is now becoming depressing unto it's self. Christmas decorations are going up all over the place. I went for a ride this evening and walked through the mall and Christmas music was just blasting.
I have no Christmas or anyone to have Christmas with. Alone and very depressed.
GOD bless and goodnight
Kris Schmuland
https:/www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
I was telling y'all about a job I was going to this morning. I didn't sleep last night, in anticipation of starting this job. So I get up at 7 and get ready. I put on some good clothing, Tried to eat something ( more on this after) Off I went. I had no idea how long it would take me by bus to get there. So I leave at 8:15 I got to Langley by 9 am. An hour early. So I walk around. They didn't open until 10 am. I get there at 9:45 and wait.
The manager pulls up, gets out of her car and comes right over to me and tells me she is surprised to see me. She tells me that I didn't respond to the email telling me when to come in. That she hired someone else because I didn't respond to her email. She tells me that if I did respond there were things we needed to go over before I started. I pulled out my phone and went to the email mail. Because I did respond with Sounds good. She then proceeded to lecture me on not responding to her email for 5 minutes. Meanwhile I am holding my phone with the email open and my response to her. I didn't even get a chance to show her the email before she tells me that it is a kid she hired, that she needed to hire someone then and there. Again I am holding the phone with the email open. She then told me that I wasn't even dressed right. No cotton pants. Even though they were very nice pants and a nice dress shirt, good shoes. She then tells me she might have something else for me.
Well I don't have the clothing she wants me to wear. No dress pants. OK I have some dress pants, but they are not heamed. I don't have the $50 to even get this done. Remember $1.10 to my name. Another job gone. I didn't even have it before I even arrived.
Now this is just the start of my day. I haven't been able to eat because of the pain from the abscess of my tooth. I can deal with allot of pain, allot! But this is so painful, even when I breathe in cool air it hurts wildly. When I try to chew something it is so very painful. I can't even deal with it. I gave up a doctors appointment today,because I originally thought this job was to start tomorrow, So this morning, while waiting, called the doctors office to cancel the appointment. Right after I left the place I was on the phone seeing if I could get the appointment back, they just gave it away. They could of got me in at 11;30 am but I was in Langley and had to take the bus back to White Rock and wouldn't be able to get there in time. I need some antibiotics to clean this up before I can even see a dentist to remove the rest of the teeth on the bottom of my mouth. The one tooth and the two that are impacted. This is before I can even get dentures for my bottom. Well that can't happen anytime soon, as the dentist is covered, but not the dentures. Hence I have a campaign to raise money for new teeth. Both top and bottom .https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Now I also have an ear ache. This is a new one for me. Never before. I think it is related to the abscess, same side.
I am so very tired. After I got back to White Rock, I went to the job club and applied for some more jobs.
Look I started this job search months before I new I was moving.Move, need a job. I have applied for over 50 jobs now. And nothing. I am not just sitting around doing nothing. I am applying for more jobs each day. OK I am doing nothing and riding the bus at night, when I just don't want to sit around. I have no cable, just internet. So I can only watch so much on my computer and only write so much,before my arms start hurting Parkinson's and fybromialgia. I can get 15 minutes before I need to stop for awhile.
I need a job now or at the end of the month I will be homeless. I don't have the money to pay the full rent.Only half. But I also need a bus pass as well.
I sit alone, very alone. No one has even called me today. What do I expect, I don't know anyone. So who would call me.
I sit allot. That is why I just get on the bus and go for a ride. This is now becoming depressing unto it's self. Christmas decorations are going up all over the place. I went for a ride this evening and walked through the mall and Christmas music was just blasting.
I have no Christmas or anyone to have Christmas with. Alone and very depressed.
GOD bless and goodnight
Kris Schmuland
https:/www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
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