Does it ever stop

Hello again

Today I am so full of anxiety, I have had two anxiety attacks. It is crippling. I am shacking still. My heart is racing and my stomach is all tied in knots.

It is because of the bad decision I made moving into where I am at. And the worst part of it is,  I feel bad wanting to move out. I feel I should be giving them 30 days notice.

Yet I was completely deceived moving in here. No drugs in the house, No one does drugs here, There will only be 3 of us. She is just staying here until she finds a place. Thats why she is not paying rent. I find out they are a month behind in rent and now, the elderly lady is $400 short for this months rent.

This lady should be living in a Seniors home. She can't pay the bills, she can't cook, clean, bath herself or anything without help. She can barely dress herself. She can't brush her own hair. What makes me made is she expects me to do everything for her. I am writing and she calls and calls my name.Only to find out she just wants a dish brought into the kitchen or to get her a drink.

Now that is not the worst of it. She should be deemed incapable, as she is living with two drug addicts that take advantage of her. They smoke there crack and speed in the house. The smell is everywhere. This is not good for anyone. But they lie to her, telling her that they are not doing drugs. And this lady is so gullible that she believes them.

Back to me feeling guilty for wanting to move.

My health is in danger, my life is in danger. I will have to call the police. My possessions are in danger, even though I don't have much, but what I do have I would like to keep.

Back to stressing out. I live with drug addicts and I don't have anything. No funds to move. I need to move. I can't be around this. I shouldn't have to be around this/.

This is what is happening to me since I stopped looking after mom. OK I was forced to stop looking after her, because she passed away.

I still have not had time to mourn or to put to paper her life story.

And I still have to deal with my sisters lying about not having mom and dad's photo's. I know they have them. Both of them.

I just want copies of them. They can keep the originals. But they are so arrogant that they can't admit that they have them.

Just like the complete set of  The Tolkens books. Which were mine but they stole them. I had them for 40 years, never cracked open the books.

I am having anxiety attacks because I have mom's ashes sitting on a self and they should be buried, along with dads ashes, above my grandparents.

I can't even get help to have a service for my mother. Let alone bury them together.

Yes it was I who wanted to move to White Rock. And this is what I chose.

When I looked after mom, I was making sound decisions. I was doing everything the right way. Now I don't have a compass to guide me.

I am on my own and it is the first time in my life I  am alone. Mom and dad were always there. Then just mom. Even though she was disabled, mom could understand me and give me answers.

I never treated her any different. I spoke to mom the same. Yes I did have to treat her differently, because of her illness's. And Dementia. Mostly strokes.

So now I sit and wonder why I should be around anymore. I am sinking further and further into a pit. My depression is getting worse, my anxiety is getting really bad. My Parkinson's is showing more and more. The tremor in my right hand is getting bad. I am tipping over allot.

I am not well but I keep moving forward. OK that is a lie. I need to move and to forget about these people. They out and out lied to me.

OK I am done. Really I am done. I can't take anymore

GOD bless and good night.

Even if I am done and can't take anymore. NO ONE GIVE A SHIT ANYWAYS. NOT A SINGLE PERSON. Other wise I would have some one to help me.

Kristopher Schmuland

I just keep making bad decisions.

Hello again

I moved to White Rock with these people thinking it was going to be an OK thing. Well I was and still am lied to each and everyday. It was only to be three people living in the three bedroom apartment. But no, it is four people living in this place. The elderly lady is sleeping on the couch. Then there are the other two. Well one is a crack addict and the other is a speed freak. There is no smoking in the place, but you know crack addicts and speed freaks. No respect for anyone but themselves. They smoke the shit in the apartment. And it just reeks. I had to get an air purifier for my room, plus I put a towel at the bottom of the door.

It turns out that they are a month or two behind in the rent. I don't even know if May's rent is fully paid. Most likely not, considering the elderly lady is spending like crazy. On everything. And she does not make much each month. The other two spend their money on, well guess what. So they are broke right away. And then they look to the elderly lady to pay the bills and the food.

Again, they are just looser addicts. I don't trust either of them or even the elderly lady. She lies like crazy as well. I can't believe anything any of them say. I don't trust any of them. I am going to get my own locker and that will be that.

This is the place that was available for me last October. I said no then. And I should of said no this time as well.

I am so glad I didn't rent the place in October, I wouldn't of been able to bring mom over. And if I didn't bring her over when I lived close, mom would of been very upset with me.

I am still guilty that I could or didn't find a place before she passed away. As in last year or the year before. I should of found a place out here as soon as mom moved her. But no! I traveled 3 hours each way. Taking the time away that I could of spent with my mother. I had chances, but I just didn't feel comfortable with the places.

As if I feel comfortable here. I leave as soon as I can each day and don't come back until late. Just like it was before. Traveling from Coquitlam.

I am such a looser piece of crap. I will be forever guilty for not finding a place so I could have mom over and spend more time with her.

I AM TRULY SORRY MOM. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SUCH A LOOSER.

So this alone make me want to not be around anymore. The guilt is killing me. Not to mention having to put up with all these freaks, drug addicts, that I live with.

I am serious when I say the guilt is killing me. If I had the money I would just disappear. Just writing this is making me cry like a baby. I am so sad and there is no one for me to talk too. I call the mental health place out here and they say to me, a group meeting is what is the right thing for me. On depression and anxiety. What the hell. This is not going to take away the grief I feel or am going through.

This is not going to fix my OCD,depression or my anxiety issues. Since I have had them forever and nothing so far has stopped them. I have been on all sorts of anti depression medication and none of them worked for me. This mental health place is not even suggesting counseling

It is the same old crap I have heard for years and years. I have been in five car accidents that have injured me, I saw my father pass away. I was at my mother's bed side when she passed away. I have seen so much death within these homes, it is not funny. People I knew and were attached to. I have to say at least 3 dozen or more people that I knew, I say die, slowly and quickly. Very painful.

I am in pain 24/7  and I mean all the time. Five car accidents being injured in each. In total I have been in 8 accidents, 3 I was not injured enough or could make a claim. No witnesses.

I believe I have PTSD plus all the pain I am in.

So needless to say I am out of here as soon as I can find a place. And this time it by myself. I don't care if I have to be broke all the time.

Going now.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland