I am sick

Hello again

I am sick and tired of people constantly telling me I am wasting my time going to see mom everyday.

Why do you spend so much time going to see your mom. It is a waste of your time. She can't walk, your wasting your time. She can't speak, your wasting your time. Does she even remember you. Your wasting your time.

Maybe it is them, who I am wasting my time on.

I may have absolutely nothing .I live way below the poverty line. Don't get help from anywhere. I am in pain all the time. I am disabled. It is OK

But the one thing I do have is the love of my mother. And when mom gets to the last stag of Dementia, I know mom will know exactly who I am. And I will be the only one she trusts. It is already this way. No one else can get her ready for bed. But me.

I have already lost friends that I knew for many, many years. As they don't understand the disease. It is an isolating disease. Not just for the person with dementia, but for the caregivers as well.  People are ignorant about this disease and just don't want to talk about it. They want to shut the door on all who have this disease and want to believe it doesn't exist

Now the roommate situation is getting out of hand. When mom wants to sleep at 7 pm that is when the roommate turns the TV on and has it at a volume that is not acceptable. And when her daughters are over, they come at the time when mom just wants to sleep. And are loud, abrasive, and without empathy   I am sure they might be nice people. But not for me.

Yet it is not their fault, completely, it is the fault of Al Hogg and not matching residents properly. Mom has told me many time, she does not like her. And that is OK.

I get a little bit of money this week and I have to decide what to do with it. Mom needs cosmetics as well as she needs healthy foods.I am not sure what to do. She needs both and I can only afford one or the other.

Difficult decision. But I will try to get mom something healthy to eat and a little of her cosmetics. GOD willing I can do both.

So I leave my trust in GOD as I don't have any other choice.

I really don't have a clue how I have survived this long. I do know I have lost over 70 lbs and all my clothes don't fit.

But I digress, who gives a rats ass what I think or am feeling or doing anyways.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

interesting

Hello again

I is interesting how the less I eat, the less I can eat different types of foods. The  body seems to be hyper vigilant and rejects the processed foods.

Example I love cheese and in the last 6 months I can't eat cheese anymore. I have not been able to eat eggs or drink milk in a very long time. Bread is out of the question. You might as well put an air hose down my throat. My stomach bloats up right away.

It all started when I stopped eating anything from a can. Now any processed foods and preservatives I eat, my body immediately rejects it and I suffer greatly from it.

My body craves whole, raw foods and anything else it doesn't want. I can eat chicken, fish and I only eat beef once in a while. I do not eat any pork products at all and haven't in many years now. I can only eat bread made without flour. And it is extremely expensive $5.50 a loaf. Come on now.

Now to eat like this, I can't afford it. So I am left going without. It is Ok though. As anything I have for funds I buy mom things first.

She needs it. Tonight mom was served this pork product that looked like someone threw up on the plate. Dog food. Mom usually won't eat this. As I bring her good home cooked meals. But she ate this tonight and I could see by the look on her face, she did not enjoy it at all, each and every bite. But she ate it as I had nothing good for her. I haven't in a while and she knows this.

I am saddened by the fact I have not been able to make her a home cooked meal in several weeks now. And mom has to eat this crap. Cold, tasteless and not even enough on her plate to even keep her alive. She is loosing weight. Which is not a good thing.

This is how the patients die quickly. Starvation. My crows at times eat better than they do. If it were not for the fruit I bring her. I really don't know what would happen. I am sure mom would be very sick right now.

I know I keep her healthy with what I bring her. And I feel really guilty for not being able to bring her this.

Well the PGT is still refusing to release the photo's I guess I have to go to court to get this taken care of. I don't know any other way of dealing with them.

Stephen Flynn is being very difficult right now.

So anyways, I need to go. I downloaded a few of the new season premiere's from tonight and want to watch them.

By the way I forgive my sisters for themselves. For they don't know what they are doing.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Rant

Hello again

I am going to start by saying that my ex family. This is now how I will always speak of them. I found out they are spreading extremely negatives things about me on twitter.

This is why they are the biggest pieces of shit on the planet. Trailer trash, and this is an insult to trailer trash all over the place. They are the biggest losers of all time.

Yes, by society's standards I am a looser. Ok I have nothing. I live way below the poverty  I don't eat all that often. I only have two pairs of pants and they don't fit. I own shorts. Runner's that are falling apart. But it is all Ok. I am fine with it. Because mom gets the fruit she needs, the drinks she likes and other snack she enjoys.

The truth be known. If GOD were to speak to me and say that HE will completely restore and heal mom. but I have to go with HIM right then and there. No questions asked. I would just say to HIM. Let's be on our way. I would give up my life for my mother. If she needs a lung. Mine is hers. What is mine is mom's.

I don't think of myself when I get anything. I have been doing everything I can to keep mom in her snacks and drinks

So to my nephew I went to the police and if you ever show up at mom's home, I can call the police and you will  be charged. You assaulted your grandmother.

I had so much to say, but I don't want to say anything else.

Except this.

I was going to be nice and remove my name from the will. I even have spoken to a lawyer and the PGT about this. But not anymore.

They will never see a dime of my mother's money. I will hire a lawyer and fight this until I either win or there is no money left. And if I do win, I will just donate the money to Alzheimer's research.

I was out walking before writing this and had lots to say. But I guess I got it all out. Oh well.

Now about mom

Over the last few weeks I have been able to get mom to use a spoon again. I still have to put the food on it, and put it into her hand, but she takes it from there. Mom can pick up small food items and eat them without any help from me. These are good things She is getting better at it. And soon she will be able to fill the spoon herself. I will keep working on it.

Tonight it was bath day for mom. She was very tired. She was hungry, but did not want to eat. I did get her to eat, while she was pushing my hand away. She wanted the papaya, but didn't. Once I got her into bed, mom was calm and relaxed. This is all she wanted.

Well I really did have allot to say. But on thing I do know is I have respect and the love of my mother. This is all that I need and is good enough for me.

Now I am very tired and need to go to bed.

I will say this. I have cancelled knee surgery, as it would mean I would not be able to see mom for a few weeks. And I can't do this to her. I am in pain all the time, but will never let mom know this. People are always saying to me, How can you keep traveling that distance everyday. I wouldn't be able to do it. Well they aren't me. I do it out of caring. out of love for mom. The fact mom needs me to be there for her.

I hate to brag, but once in a while I need to do this. Actually I have never before bragged about this or anything What I do for mom is a great thing. And I am proud of what I do.

GOD bless and good night.

Kris Schmuland

I will never again waste my time or use the pages of this blog to ever mention them again. They are now and forever more not my family. As far as I am concerned I am the only child. And will think and act this way. I will no longer allow them to even take up space in my mind. They are not worth it. Period.

So say what you want about me. I know the truth and that is all that is to it. And it is all I need. I am to busy to take the time to even acknowledge them. So write away. The more you write, the more people will read what I write and they who read my words,  can make up their own minds