Hello again
Yes I am still having to type one handed, it just hurts to much to type normally... And I am having problems with my wireless keyboard and mouse. Need a new one. On top of everything else that is gong wrong.
I went to the ER but it would of been a 6 hour wait. Not for me. I see my doctor Tuesday. I hope it will be OK until then. It is difficult to cook. And I like to cook. It relaxes me. Just like ironing does. Weird or what. I want to bake a pie and some bread. To much work.
No answer on my disability application, I am hoping it is approved soon. And I need to get this application into the subsidized apartment. I have not been able to get in touch with my old landlord. I even called someone that lives there still to get the phone number. It is the same as the one I have. So I put his name down anyways and call him to tell him I put his name down. He was going to be a reference before,so I don't see a problem now. You never know though.
I am still behind in my rent I can't seem to find a place to rent that I can afford. Even shared accommodations in my area are to expensive for me. And here in lies another problem. I am relying to much on this subsidized place for my rescue. It was the church who sent me there. ?So!
My mother's one year anniversary for her passing is coming up in a few weeks. I have been becoming increasingly depressed over the last few weeks. I have called a few bereavement organizations, missed there return calls. Need to try to get in touch with them right away. I need to see someone. Allot of people will say. It has been a year, so get over it. For me that is difficult. I need to accept this. But not on my own. I have no one to speak with. The grief counseling was not enough.
We all deal with death differently. I am dealing with it as well as I can. Taking care of my mother was my life. This is all that I did. Was travel back and forth to take care of mom. And this is what I know I was to do. I felt it inside and I know it was GOD who gave me this gift. So that is what I did. I felt no remorse for doing it full time. It didn't bother me that I was not working and mom was my life. It still doesn't bother me. What is still bothering me is mom passed away. To early. The home should of caught the infection sooner. I blame them for her passing.
What is it that I am to do. I have searched and searched for employment, And no job. I have been injured again in a accident. This time, more seriously than I thought. I am freaking out because I am having difficulties using my right arm and I couldn't walk one day. It is still hard for me to walk. I needed to change arms with my cane. To support my right side.
Now I am going to this conference on Saturday, that is for individuals that are facing death or their loved ones or have faced this. An email just showed up in my in box telling me about this conference. I don't or have not subscribed to this organization.. It is free and an Online ticket. To weird for me. It is something I need at his moment in time. GOD to the rescue. I hope something comes from this.I need whatever help I can get right now and for the next while.
Please pray and help if you can
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/kirsschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Friday, January 20, 2017
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
I don't know if it is real or not
Hello again
Yes that is the way I am thinking right now. I am experiencing something I have never felt before. Sure I have lost the use of my right arm before. But this time it is lower than it normally is. And I can't even pick up my tea cup with my right arm. And my hip, I have no idea about that. I have never, ever not been able to walk before.
My hip pain is a little better, but that could be due to the fact that I get use to pain very quickly. I can walk better, but not anywhere near as far as I could before last weekend. No idea what happened. I didn't fall, or slip at all.
Now life has thrown me a curve ball, Or life took my life away. It screwed me over. Life messed my life up.
I was doing OK, Sure I didn't have everything, but I had enough. I took care of my mother for many, many years, and lived an OK life. I loved what I did and would still be looking after her if the home hadn't murdered mom. I did go out and did things. Than life took my mother away, gave me nothing in return. I was my mother's caregiver. I was a person who cared deeply for someone and made sure that my mother lived out the remainder of her life with grace and well loved.
Everyone kept telling how blessed I will be for taking care of my mother the way I did and for all those years. How wrong were they. Blessed in what. Blessed in the fact that I will become homeless shortly. Blessed that I have nothing. Blessed that I am in more pain than before. Blessed that I have Parkinson's, Fibromalgia, Chronic fatigue syndrome, diabetes and so on and so on.....Blessed that I can't even give my mother a proper memorial service. Blessed that I can't bury my mother where her parents are buried. Blessed that I can't even afford a bus pass. Blessed that I have no way of doing anything. Blessed that I can barely walk now or use my right arm anymore. Blessed that I can't pay my bills, Blessed in the fact I go for job interviews and never get the jobs.
Blessed in the fact that it is going to be my mother's one year anniversary since she passed away and I am not even close to getting over it. I have realized that in the last few days. I am messed up. Everything is coming back to me. Her last days, no one around to even say goodbye to mom. Blessed that I have a family that wants nothing to do with me. OK I don't care. But it would be nice to have someone around that I can speak with.
Blessed that life screwed me over big time.
I have done everything I could do this past year. I needed to grieve. I needed counseling. I need to see another counselor I have not had a chance to properly grieve. You get a few sessions and than that is it. I am trying to find a bereavement group. But they are all just six weeks in length. Six weeks. Come on. It has almost been a year and I am realizing I am not even close to getting over mom's passing. I am trying to reach out, but to whom. It seems there is no one there for me.
So I say, in my final comments this evening. LIFE HAS SCREWED ME OVER. There is nothing life has given me this past year that I can say helped me out. Not even a single person to talk to.Nor anyone to help me give my mother a memorial service. Or even help me out to get new dentures Or that I have no one in my life to love me. Loneliness is killing me slowly
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher W..A..Schmuland
Yes that is the way I am thinking right now. I am experiencing something I have never felt before. Sure I have lost the use of my right arm before. But this time it is lower than it normally is. And I can't even pick up my tea cup with my right arm. And my hip, I have no idea about that. I have never, ever not been able to walk before.
My hip pain is a little better, but that could be due to the fact that I get use to pain very quickly. I can walk better, but not anywhere near as far as I could before last weekend. No idea what happened. I didn't fall, or slip at all.
Now life has thrown me a curve ball, Or life took my life away. It screwed me over. Life messed my life up.
I was doing OK, Sure I didn't have everything, but I had enough. I took care of my mother for many, many years, and lived an OK life. I loved what I did and would still be looking after her if the home hadn't murdered mom. I did go out and did things. Than life took my mother away, gave me nothing in return. I was my mother's caregiver. I was a person who cared deeply for someone and made sure that my mother lived out the remainder of her life with grace and well loved.
Everyone kept telling how blessed I will be for taking care of my mother the way I did and for all those years. How wrong were they. Blessed in what. Blessed in the fact that I will become homeless shortly. Blessed that I have nothing. Blessed that I am in more pain than before. Blessed that I have Parkinson's, Fibromalgia, Chronic fatigue syndrome, diabetes and so on and so on.....Blessed that I can't even give my mother a proper memorial service. Blessed that I can't bury my mother where her parents are buried. Blessed that I can't even afford a bus pass. Blessed that I have no way of doing anything. Blessed that I can barely walk now or use my right arm anymore. Blessed that I can't pay my bills, Blessed in the fact I go for job interviews and never get the jobs.
Blessed in the fact that it is going to be my mother's one year anniversary since she passed away and I am not even close to getting over it. I have realized that in the last few days. I am messed up. Everything is coming back to me. Her last days, no one around to even say goodbye to mom. Blessed that I have a family that wants nothing to do with me. OK I don't care. But it would be nice to have someone around that I can speak with.
Blessed that life screwed me over big time.
I have done everything I could do this past year. I needed to grieve. I needed counseling. I need to see another counselor I have not had a chance to properly grieve. You get a few sessions and than that is it. I am trying to find a bereavement group. But they are all just six weeks in length. Six weeks. Come on. It has almost been a year and I am realizing I am not even close to getting over mom's passing. I am trying to reach out, but to whom. It seems there is no one there for me.
So I say, in my final comments this evening. LIFE HAS SCREWED ME OVER. There is nothing life has given me this past year that I can say helped me out. Not even a single person to talk to.Nor anyone to help me give my mother a memorial service. Or even help me out to get new dentures Or that I have no one in my life to love me. Loneliness is killing me slowly
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher W..A..Schmuland
Sunday, January 15, 2017
A different day of different pain
Hello again
Today is a one handed typing.
As I mentioned I went and volunteered at a community dinner yesterday. This morning I woke up with different pain, in different areas. My right hip was so very sore. And I could barely use my right arm. as my right shoulder is killing me. I can't pick up my tea mug with my right arm.
Church this morning. I left, walked down the street towards the church. The church is three blocks away. I got to the first set of lights and my right leg, right hip and my right shoulder, were and are, so sore, I could barely walk, the pain was so great. I stood there, for a moment. I couldn't go any further, I was in to much pain. I just turned around and walked home, very slowly at that. That was that. Getting home was very painful. I feel so bad that I missed church this morning, but I was and am to much pain.
This is new pain. I knew, or had a feeling, that there was and is something wrong with my right shoulder. Turns out there is. And this pain in my right hip is new. OK I had a problem with my right hip years ago.. But I was starting to walk without my cane. I went to all my job interviews without my cane. I worked those three days, at a job I lost after three days, without my cane. Everything was OK. No major pain. Not until this new accident is when I needed to use my cane all the time again. So now I have a hip problem as well. Again this is new and is directly related to the bus accident.
So my day was just lying on my back. I couldn't turn over on my right side, but my left side was OK.
Some friends, yes friends. I did say I have three friends. They were going to come over for dinner. I was going to make stuffed cannelloni. I do have, thanks to the food bank, most of what is needed to make this. They were going to buy the rest. But I called them and said that I couldn't do it. To much pain. I just would not be able to cook the dinner. Another time I said to them. It is true I wouldn't be able to make dinner.
I also didn't want to clean either. Or I couldn't do any cleaning. Not much to do, but enough that it would hurt to much. And they would not be able to make the cannelloni the way I would. They can cook but not as good as I can and it wouldn't work. I would want to step in and do it myself. The way I am in the kitchen. That you Mom for teaching me how to cook. Mom also taught me how to make bread from scratch.
Some one I know from the hospital where mom was, said to me I should start a company that specializes in cooking for seniors in homes. Binging them one or two meals a day. His father was in the same home as mom was in. This guy told me that everyone was impressed at what I brought mom each day. I didn't know this. I just cooked mom home made healthy, fresh as possible, meals each day.
Now I need to make something to eat for myself. I don't even want to eat, but need to. I haven't eaten anything today. My diabetes needs me to feed myself three times a day.
Not bad for typing one handed. Very slow, but OK.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland
Please pray that I receive a financial miracle so I can pay my landlord what I owe him, so as I don't screw him over for rent, before I move. He has been very good to me, very understanding. I don't want to move without having paid him in full. This is my biggest problem. Besides the fact it is mom's one year anniversary of her passing, coming up at the end of this month. And I wanted to give her a memorial service. Please pray that I am able to do this as well.
Thank you and may GOD bless you and your entire family.
Today is a one handed typing.
As I mentioned I went and volunteered at a community dinner yesterday. This morning I woke up with different pain, in different areas. My right hip was so very sore. And I could barely use my right arm. as my right shoulder is killing me. I can't pick up my tea mug with my right arm.
Church this morning. I left, walked down the street towards the church. The church is three blocks away. I got to the first set of lights and my right leg, right hip and my right shoulder, were and are, so sore, I could barely walk, the pain was so great. I stood there, for a moment. I couldn't go any further, I was in to much pain. I just turned around and walked home, very slowly at that. That was that. Getting home was very painful. I feel so bad that I missed church this morning, but I was and am to much pain.
This is new pain. I knew, or had a feeling, that there was and is something wrong with my right shoulder. Turns out there is. And this pain in my right hip is new. OK I had a problem with my right hip years ago.. But I was starting to walk without my cane. I went to all my job interviews without my cane. I worked those three days, at a job I lost after three days, without my cane. Everything was OK. No major pain. Not until this new accident is when I needed to use my cane all the time again. So now I have a hip problem as well. Again this is new and is directly related to the bus accident.
So my day was just lying on my back. I couldn't turn over on my right side, but my left side was OK.
Some friends, yes friends. I did say I have three friends. They were going to come over for dinner. I was going to make stuffed cannelloni. I do have, thanks to the food bank, most of what is needed to make this. They were going to buy the rest. But I called them and said that I couldn't do it. To much pain. I just would not be able to cook the dinner. Another time I said to them. It is true I wouldn't be able to make dinner.
I also didn't want to clean either. Or I couldn't do any cleaning. Not much to do, but enough that it would hurt to much. And they would not be able to make the cannelloni the way I would. They can cook but not as good as I can and it wouldn't work. I would want to step in and do it myself. The way I am in the kitchen. That you Mom for teaching me how to cook. Mom also taught me how to make bread from scratch.
Some one I know from the hospital where mom was, said to me I should start a company that specializes in cooking for seniors in homes. Binging them one or two meals a day. His father was in the same home as mom was in. This guy told me that everyone was impressed at what I brought mom each day. I didn't know this. I just cooked mom home made healthy, fresh as possible, meals each day.
Now I need to make something to eat for myself. I don't even want to eat, but need to. I haven't eaten anything today. My diabetes needs me to feed myself three times a day.
Not bad for typing one handed. Very slow, but OK.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland
Please pray that I receive a financial miracle so I can pay my landlord what I owe him, so as I don't screw him over for rent, before I move. He has been very good to me, very understanding. I don't want to move without having paid him in full. This is my biggest problem. Besides the fact it is mom's one year anniversary of her passing, coming up at the end of this month. And I wanted to give her a memorial service. Please pray that I am able to do this as well.
Thank you and may GOD bless you and your entire family.
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