Very tired

Hello again

So last night was one of mom's nights that she was very tired. So tired that she had her eyes closed while I was feeding her. It is a good thing that she trusts me enough to let me feed her while almost asleep. I say sleep eating is what she was doing.

I got her into bed and myself and a staff member cut mom's nails on her left hand. The hand that is clenched all the time. I washed it afterwards and put on lotion. Then her nightly spa treatment. The nurse came in early and gave mom her nightly medication. And within  15 minutes mom was snoring. Sound asleep. Holding tightly onto my hand. It was hard for me to gently get my hand free, without waking her up. I gave mom a hug and sang our song to her. Gave her a kiss goodnight.

That was last night.

Tonight mom was hungry, OK she ate last night, but not allot. So mom ate some of what I brought her and all of what she was served. I brought her stuffed chicken and a seafood salad. She was OK with it, but preferred the, Roast beef and mashed potatoes. She ate anyways, and that is all that matters.

I couldn't get mom's hair washed last night, because she was so tired and tonight the room was being used by other individuals. So I couldn't do it tonight as well. But there is tomorrow. And I will get their early,to do this.

But our nightly routine was done and I had extra time to just stand their and hold her hand. And mom had this huge smile on her face while she fell asleep. This just makes me feel so good and warm inside. The love that I have for my mother and she for me is demonstrated by the smile she has on her face while falling asleep.

I needed to leave tonight, and the nurse didn't come and give mom her medication. So she will wake her up to do this.

Now it is the new year and mom's roommate still has not been moved. Other people are moving into the place, but they still can't do this. Though I have complained many time already. So now I will be going to the MLA and bringing my concerns to them. I am tired of nothing being done.

They just keep ignoring me and this will stop. I don't care anymore, what they think. Mom needs her rest and she needs to have the lights out at night and not have someone constantly hallucinated.

I will bring this up with the manager tomorrow and let her know that I will be contacting the MLA if the roommate is not moved.

And I am suppose to get a letter to accompany the invoice for mom's leg rests. The OT is the one who brought this up. I need it, or maybe not, to get a refund for the price of the leg rests.

I will write her after I finish this

So I will end this now.

GOD bless and good night.

Kris Schmuland

I am not sure of anything

Hello again

I feel like a hoarder. My room is everything. It is my storage room, I have boxes of stuff, my stuff and mom's things. It is my living room, my dinning room, my bedroom and office. This is where I stay, this is where I write. It is becoming very crowded. The closet is full of boxes, the walls are lined with boxes. I feel like I am a hoarder, but I really don't have anything. It is mom's decorations, clothing. Some of my bake ware and books and important papers. Plus a box of old cell phones and electronic cords and cables.

I don't have much room to even move around and there is no storage here for anything. This is making my depression worse. I like things organized and things in there place. OCD

I am just feeling really down lately. I hate,and I never use the word hate, the place I am staying at. I need to get out of here. It is starting to drive me mad! I am full of anxiety when I am here, it diminishes while in White Rock I sometimes feel like a giant peace of crap walking around in human skin. And my hair is driving me nuts. I need to get it cut off, but NO F...ing money.

I had to be in Vancouver today, and it was OK. Except I miss dressing in nice clothing. Enough about myself

I made mom a nice pasta bake last night for her dinner today. I got their a little late today, but it worked out OK. Mom, it seems, was waiting for me and as soon as I got off the elevator, her face lit up with this huge smile. You have to love it. I do!

Mom's words where very clear today. Though she doesn't say to much. But what she said today, was very clear. She has been struggling to give me a hug. But she is trying, that is what is important. She has been doing allot of this lately.

Don't worry, mom is healthy. A little bit of a cough, but I am putting Noxzema  on her chest every night. Lots to drink and healthy food.

I fed her and told her about my day in Vancouver. We laughed and talked. Mom ate most of the pasta bake and the usual, the papaya and her chocolate.

Mom's left hand has been a problem since the strokes, but mom has been wanting me to hold her left hand as well. Which is good. She likes the warmth of my hands. And it makes her left hand feel good.

I got her changed and put her dirty clothing in a bag to take home to wash, which is what I am doing now, while I write this.

The staff member came in early and changed her and put her to bed. I gave mom her nightly spa treatment, and mom wanted the lotion on her face arms, hands and legs, tonight. She normally doesn't like it when I put the lotion on her arms and hands. But tonight she enjoyed it.

I was done early with her spa treatment, and the nurse gave mom her medication early. So I had extra time to stand and hold her hand. Almost an hour. The whole time mom had this wonderful smile on her face.

Mom was asleep when I sang her our good night song. And I gave her a kiss and told her that I would miss her. Which is what I truly do miss her when I am gone.

Pray for mom and I, that I find a place in White Rock. I will keep asking for help with prayer with this issue

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

It is

Hello again

I am simply writing anything for a title. It is a wet and windy day here. Cold, by our standards.

Bath day for mom. But she got sick this morning and a large bowel movement.  At least she emptied herself. It was beginning to be a problem again. To much of the wrong medication.

I have no groceries so I couldn't make mom dinner tonight. The first time in a very long time, that I have not made mom a home cooked meal.

It really does piss me off now. That that asshole would take my grocery gift cards. Knowing full well I have nothing and I cook meals for mom. That I needed those cards. I am feeling violated now. Money, cards.

My mom is the one who is suffering. I need help and I can't get it from anywhere. Even though other's know what happened.

It is bad enough I am not eating, it is worse that I can't make the healthy meals for mom.This is what it is like to live in a place with other's that you don't know.

I would have less living on my own. But mom would not go without a home cooked meal. A matter of fact, she would get more healthy meals and snacks.

So today, is one of those days that I am feeling really lonely and wanted to speak with someone. But didn't happen. In fact, it hasn't happened in about two weeks now. Not a soul. Except for the normal pleasantries of hello and good bye to the staff at Al Hogg, where mom resides.

It is very difficult being this depressed with no immediate help, having to wait and wait. Not good for someone who is depressed.

At least mom's dinner was OK for her. After I warmed it up again and added butter.

And tomorrow who knows what is going to happen.

Pray that GOD rains down his blessings on my mother and myself.

People don't get it. My life is to do what I can to assist mom with her life . To be their and to look after her. Whatever I do I do to make mom's life better. Each and everyday.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland