Just don't know what is up

Hello again

Well I had to say no to the one job. Just could not do it.. And I have no way of getting the gas money to drive there and back until I get paid. As it is I am short on my rent, because of the ex roommate not staying.

I do have another job offer. This one I might be able to get too. Well I will have no choice but to take this position. I can take a bus to this one. As I don't need to be there at 5:30 am, which would require me to drive. I need to pay the rest of my rent. I hope the landlord understands. Remember I had a job. And if I would still be working, there would be no problems right now. But, that is not the way it went. I spent all month sending off resumes. And it wasn't until the end  of the month that I was able to get the interviews that I went too.

Now I begin again. Trying to make it. My cousin tells me to get a job, the next day after mom passes. I just couldn't do it at that time. But now I am ready, but I can't get to the jobs. No help from anywhere. Believe me I have spent allot of time on the phone and in person, trying to find some sort of help to get to and from work, until I would be paid. There is suppose to be the help out there. Couldn't find it. So I am stuck trying to figure out how to do this. It is not far to this one job, but it is to far to walk. Where I live there is not much going on. Not to much for business's.

I am on my knee's praying and praying. I am asking and seeking GOD's advice and help. Nothing so far. OK I am alive, but I don't want to be.

I will tell you this, I don't want to be around anymore, but I will not take my own life. My mother would be ashamed of me and I would not get to see her again, if I took my own life. I would be condemned to Hell for doing so.. Not going to happen then. So I try and am failing so far. I don't stop sending resumes off. Half a dozen on Friday. Even though I have a job. The job won't start for a week, With two days of training this coming week.

What I need is a miracle.

GOD has given me many gifts. I just don't know what to do with them. I am artistic, creative, I have a high IQ. I am business minded, I understand the law and can read and write legal jargon. I know what to do to be able to be a Seniors Advocate. I have done this. Yet I don't know what to do with my life. I wouldn't mind being a pastor, seniors advocate. Helping others seems to be something I am good at. I know I have mad skills. What to do with them.

I am going to try and speak with a pastor and maybe he/she can help me figure out what GOD wants me to do with the skills and abilities HE gave me. I don't know, otherwise I would be doing it. Any ideas?

I am just a lost and broken man.

People tell me to contact this women I know back east. Someone I was in love with. But what do I have to offer her. She has probable worked for the same company  for years. I have not seen her in 14 years. I have nothing. I know we loved each other at one time. I even asked her to marry me and she said yes. Over the phone though. So what do I do, call her up and say, what. Hello, it is Kris and I have nothing, but I want you to come back and marry me if you are not already married with children. So give up your job and come back to me with nothing. Maybe not even a place to live.... I don't have a home, nor anything else of value. OK it is not having everything that matters. It is love that matters. But I need something to make her come back.

Why even write about her. I know, she is the only women I have ever loved. Yes I loved my mother, different love. I thought I loved my first wife, I learned that was not love. I actually loved this women.  And still think about her. After she left to go back east to be with her twin sister, I started to look after my parents. So I have never tried to find someone else. I tried dating while taking care  of mom but they just didn't get it. Mom was first above everyone else. So actually,even if she did stay, it probably would not of worked out. As I still would of stopped everything to take care of mom. I know this. So this was the way it was to be. I believe in that. There is a plan for each of us that we don't know about and unfolds through out our lives.

Then why am I complaining, if there is a plan for my life. We still have to do something about it, I think. And we have to have an idea of what that is, the plan for our life.  Mine anyways. I just have no idea what that plan is or even how to get there. Or what to do now to even get help.

As you can read I am a very confused individual. Not making much sense. Or I am making sense to someone. If I am, please let me know.

I just don't want to waste what I was given and say in the end, I missed my opportunity. Maybe I already missed the opportunity. I don't think I did. I know I was to take care of mom, part of the plan for my life.

NOW WHAT!

Please if you pray for me, continue. I ask for your help.

May GOD bless you and your life.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

Reality

Hello again

The reality is that I don't even know if I should take this job or not. Sure I can do it, and sure I can get up at the time needed to get to the job.

Here in lyes the problem, again. I don't have the funds necessary to get me there and back. And I would have to be there at 5:30 am everyday. No bus service. But someone I know said I can use there old car, and buy it off of them over time. But no gas money to get there. As it is, because the roommate changed his mind and is no longer going to be living here. I have to pay the whole rent. I don't make enough now to do that. But  this job  will pay enough to cover that and more.

So I am thinking of calling them and saying sorry, but then I don't have a job and will have to find another place to live. To soon to find a place now.

So my depression deepens. I am getting very stressed out. I was trying to find some kind of assistance today. Try again tomorrow.

I just can't stop thinking about all the crap that is going on. I know some is my fault, but not all of it. I am a good person. I am not harming anyone or causing anyone problems. Keeping to myself. I still have to go and be tested to see if I have cancer. I put off the test already once. Had no one to drive me home. Next test December 22. I just didn't want to deal with it now. As it is I have two serious illness's. Parkinson's and fybromialgia plus Diabetes. Don't want to know anything else right now. To much  to deal with. And I didn't diagnose myself  I was tested by professionals/specialists. And I got a second and third decision for the Parkinson't diagnosis. And it took years to get the other diagnosis for Fybromialgia

So I leave now.

GOD bless you  and have a good night

Please pray if you  wish that this is solved.

Kris

I am not even real

Hello again

Today started out to be early. The job interview. It went very well. I was offered the job on the spot. I start next Monday morning. 5:30 am. Two week training then on my own.

So in most peoples lives this would be a great thing. In mine it is as well. Up until the interview was over and I was on my way back home.

This is when my life started to come apart. To unravel as some or most would say. I started to think about how I was going to get there, How I would pay the rest of my rent. Then it got really bad for me and it has crashed completely since this afternoon.

I am not even real. I am a fake. A fraud. A nobody The reality is this is what I am. I can honestly say I don't know how to live life, to get by to even do anything. Make friends, keep a place or even be a real person. I am not...;.

I don't have the funds to do this job. I have no other job. I don't have enough rent. OK the roommate decided to not live here anymore. But I should of been prepared for all outcomes. I am not. Is this just a dream that I am going to wake up and realize that I am actually dead or just dreaming everything. I have no idea what to do next. I have no idea how to actually live a normal life. A life that everyone else lives.

I have no idea how to do any of these things. I am now not even wanting to be here anymore. I can't live, I don't know how. I am confused. What does it mean to  be alive and to really live. I don't know.

I am just floundering here.I am so sick I am getting sick.

When I looked after mom everything was simple. I lived poorly, I went each day and took care of mom. That was my life. Nothing complicated about it. I live poorly. Not a real life as everyone else tells me. Just fake. No I say. I did a good thing. I did the right thing and I know this. But I am not prepared for any of what followed.

I have no one to even teach me. I guess I should of learned how to do this along time ago. It is to late now. Now that my life is over and falling apart.

I just got back in from walking in the rain and crying. Begging GOD to take  me. Asking for some kind of help. I am crying now, It is over for me.

What do I do. I have a job. No way to buy work boots or even pay for transportation to and from this job until I get paid. I am not normal, not in anyway what so ever. Just not. How can a normal person even get themselves into this kind of mess.

I am now way prepared for life. I can't function correctly.

So I now realized everyone was right about me. I did one good thing in my life and the rest I have messed up. I have not even learned enough to get by without a hand out from welfare.

If I can't get what is needed to go to and from this job by Friday. I am just done. Life will be over for me. Just like that. I think I better go and speak to someone tomorrow before I do something drastic.If I can't make it to this job I have know where to put my belongings. As  I won't have a place to live.

Please, please pray that I learn how to live a real life, not this what I am doing. Expecting everything to be handed to me. I do and I don't. I know I need to work. But I guess I got to it to late. It seems that way to me. I have  honestly looked for work everyday during the week, all month long. Since I lost the last job.

I am done and need guidance. Someone please reach out to me.

I can't deal with anything right now. I am going back out to walk in the rain.

What I would like if possible is some forgiveness. If I deserve it..................

GOD bless and good night

Kris

Sleep, what sleep

Hello again

Tonight I don't think I will be getting any sleep, as last night. I really tried to sleep last night but no luck. I didn't even want to get out of bed today. Did anyways. Just my depression kicking in.

As I will be going for the job interview tomorrow and I will get it. To start the following week. Then I am freaking out. OK I am freaking out now. I get the job and then no way of getting there and purchasing work boots. Again I don't care what I eat for that time. I just need the job. It will pay a decent living wage. Way more than I am making now. Which I am wanting.  Then I don't need to get a roommate and have things mess up as they always do with roommates...

Well now I wait and see what tomorrow brings. I know I need to get one thing  done this week. Besides this. I do have to write the other two companies and make an appointment with one of them. The retail store. Clothing.

I just don't know what I will do.

I am stuck and rightly so. But again. It seems that I brought this on myself. I just don't seem how.I am doing what everyone does in this situation. I really have applied for jobs everyday, from the day I lost the other job... Went on a trial. But that job would of not provided me with enough hours to be able to cover everything. And that is not any kind of luxury's or going out anywhere.

Now I am done with that.

I need someone to talk to. I am not doing well. This is starting to overwhelm me. Big time. I am getting worried and very stressed out.

I have been going through mom's photo's and this alone is overwhelming me . But I have to, I am missing mom. And I will need to do this sooner or later. Sooner is better as I can become better at dealing with mom's passing.

OK I am not making any sense to myself now, so I will end this now.

Please pray that this...............................  I just need help and if I get the job, I can get there and back.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland