A bit better,

Hello again

Not so depressed today. But yesterday was a nightmare. I just hatted everyone. Didn't matter who you were, I just didn't like you. This did carry over into today, but not as harsh. I did not want to speak with anyone and however was speaking with me, they were just down right, irritating. I really just want to be left alone, That is the way it is when I get into this kind of mood. It has become worse since my mother passed away.

This is to be expected. Damn it has only been almost 4 months since she passed away and I still have not begun the grieving process.I have done a little grieving. I have cried allot over the last few months. Hell, I have cried while I have been writing these posts. And not just once. Many, many  times. I sit here writing and something I write brings back memories of mom, so I just keep writing, letting the tears stream down my face. The eyes do get a little blurry.

Now over the last few days, I have found myself, drawn to Al Hogg. I have been wanting to speak to my mother, hold her hand and just be. I do miss holding her hand. That was an everyday, all day thing. Mom, as soon as I arrived, reached out her hand, for mine. I would just grab it and not let go. I could do all with just my one hand. OK, not everything. But you do understand  what I am saying.

It was the best part of my day, being there, looking after mom, holding her hand. Then after she was ready to sleep. I held her hand until she was asleep and her hand loosened up, so I could pull my hand out from her's. She held my hand so tightly. Many times, I would think she was asleep, but as soon as I tried to pull my hand free, her grip would tighten. Just beautiful. This made me feel like I was the most important person in the world to her. And the truth be know, I WAS THAT PERSON. She knew it and I knew it.

There was no one else who would do the things I did and care for her the way I did. But once again I say there has never been and there will never be, anything as wonderful and beautiful as what I did for my mother. My life was hers and I loved every moment of it. I cannot think of anything I have done in my life or anything that I might do in my life, that equals my taking care of my mother. Nothing ever will beat that.

I have done what I was to do with my life. And that is take care of my mother. A gift from GOD. I know I was told to do this. That is why it was so easy, no frustration, no impatience,. I just did it with no regret. When GOD gives you something to do, It just works out and everything just moves along smoothly.

Yes I had to fight for mom's rights. But it was easy for me. No trouble at all. I l enjoyed it. And again, it just fell into place. Whatever I did, fighting for her rights, getting them to take mom off of certain medications etc...... It was a breeze. For me anyways. Other's no. That is because it was not what they were to do. They didn't have it in them to do nothing even close to what I did for my mother.

I will say this again. 98% of the worlds population would not do what I did for my mother. They don't have it in them. It is a rare gift that one is given. And if you follow that path, all will just fall into place. As it did with me.

OK, I am not the most liked person in the world. When it comes to the health care industry within the LowerMainland. But I really don't care in the least. OK I don't care what they or anyone thinks of me. I have no room in my head for hatters. Not my problem.

I have my own things I have to do, and they are going to be even more upset with me.

I was rudely interrupted by these people I need to get away from.

Next month I am out of here. And I hope it is right away. As in "we have a suite that is vacant right now." And I hope I have the funds to do this as soon as I find such a place.

The biggest obstacle will be the fact that I have bad credit. Of course I do, I took care of my mother. That was my job for a dozen years. I didn't get paid for it. So no work history, to them. And applying for a suite, they might want to check my credit. I have a good reference, And I will just explain the "why" I have no history. But what I did could not be taught at any job.

I will just have to have a little faith that it is going to work out. And it will. GOD doesn't want me to be living in this. I knew last year it was a bad idea and I knew it when I moved in. I just didn't listen.

And now the end.for another day or two.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

The reality is I just don't care about..............

Hello again

As mentioned, I just don't care anymore if I have friends or not. I really don't. I will continue to do things alone, as I have always done them. This is because I ask for help with some important things, such as giving my mother a proper service, and what happens. I receive no help from anyone. No one. I put up a fundraising site and just two people donated .  I am along way from what is needed. My mother passed away at the end of January. And still has had no service.

I can tell you this, I know it for a fact, that if anyone's parents passes away, and they had no funds to bury them. They would be doing the same thing I am doing. Trying to get funds to give their parent a burial. 

But do you think I can get this done. NO! It is not even that much I seek.

I spent over a dozen years taking care of my mother, with no regrets. That was my job. I did nothing else but take care of my mother. And at the beginning, my father as well. I had to travel all over the lowermainland to  do this as well.  And do it by bus, hitchhiking, borrowed cars etc... With no help from anyone. I did it myself. Not even my sisters lent a hand. 

I did everything for my mother and would do it all over again if I had to. Again with no regrets. I would not even blink an eye doing it again. From the time I arrived at mom's care facility, I did everything, no one had to do anything for mom. I made sure my mother had good food, fresh fruit, her favorite desserts, chocolates. I made sure my mother had new clothing. Not cheap crap. But nice new, up to date clothing. So my mother could feel good about herself. I even made sure her room was decorated all the time, for each season. 

Can anyone even say they would put in the time I put into making sure their mother was this well taken care of/.

THE ANSWER IS NO. 

I was in the homes, I saw how many family members came to see their parents, grandparents, how often they came. This answer is not very often. 

And during this, I lived very poorly so I could make sure my mother had the extra's she deserved. I gave up my last dime for mom and would still do it again. It didn't matter to me if I was poor. As long as mom had everything I was OK with living a poor and lonely life. Yes lonely, I had no friends and really don't have any now,. 

Mom was first and I was last. If I had nothing and there was something in the fridge that  was for mom, I would not touch it. As it was for mom, to make her a home cooked meal. I would go without. And I did for many days in a row and often. It was OK. Mom was first I was last. 

Now friends who gives a crap, Not a single person has been here for me, during the most trying time of my life. NOT A ONE. No one to just listen, no one to speak with. No one to just listen and let me cry if I needed too. 

The only person who actually phoned me to just listen and hear me, was this lovely lady from the Fraser Health complaint office. I was impressed with that. That was it. Not another single soul called me up to express their sympathy for me. 

Isn't that nice. A world that preaches tolerance and love, But cannot even express it to someone who is experiencing great sadness and loss. A person who cannot even make it a day without crying and feeling deeply depressed. I have to take medication just so I can get through a day. Otherwise it is to difficult for me. I wouldn't even get out of bed. 

I can't even find a doctor to help me. Not one to suggest a place for me to go and seek help for this. I am on the phone, constantly, trying to get help. 

I wonder around each day, without a purpose. I am beginning over in life. My last 15 years has been a caregiver. I had no time for a girlfriend, didn't want one. My mother was the only women in my life. Because she needed someone who actually cared about her and would be their for her. That was me. My life was my mothers life. 

I grieve and am extremely saddened by the loss of my mother. Yet no one gives a crap if I am suffering or not. I am deeply depressed over my loss. 

And the only thing I want to do, the last thing I could do for my mother, is give her a burial she deserves. Give her the respect she deserves. To have others come together and speak on what a beautiful soul my mother was. 

DO YOU THINK I CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN.  NOT A CHANCE.

I lived poorly, so therefore I have nothing. Get it. I have nothing, as every extra bit of money I had went to make sure my beautiful mother was well taken cared for. Nothing else, but this.

So this mean I don't have a pot to piss in..... NO MONEY TO GIVE MY MOTHER A BURIAL SHE DESERVES. 

I have no friends. The people I live with a users. I make the least out of everyone here and they are constantly asking me for something. 

I need help. Or I won't make it.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

You can still donate to: https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk