Hello again
Well the last two days I have been working on a email that was very important, and it took me longer than I thought. Being a perfectionist. It must be perfect, but I forgot to put a few things in it, So I finished it tonight. And sent it again
This year is extremely difficult for me. Again the first Christmas without my mother. No family to spend time with. No one to spend Christmas day with. And no one to even talk to over these days. I am very lonely. I never thought it would bother me this much. But it is. I have been lonely in the past but I always new, each and everyday, I would be visiting my mother and taking care of her. So the loneness wasnt hard to deal with. That I wouldn't be lonely in a few hours.
Not this year. I am alone and it is difficult for me to deal with. I don't have friends or anyone. I decided to put up this little tree I have. No I am not going to decorate my home completely up. Just the little tree. Just not in the mood. But I have been thinking that I should of gone all out and decorated my home, To honour my mother. I just can't do it this year. But from now on, that is what I am going to do. Go all out and decorate. Even if I am completely alone. Just not this year.
There will be nothing under the tree though, but a tree none the less. That is to bad though.
I wish there was someone who I could call on to get through this together. Just me. I know I have dealt with allot of things before and made it through them. Not this year. Being alone is sort of putting a little damper on this you will get through this. Very difficult for me.........
I keep watching these Christmas movies, hoping they will bring the Christmas cheer to me, Yea no luck........ I am trying though. I use to love watching these shows/movies with mom. We did this everyday leading up to Christmas. The music in the background. A great time we had each and every year. I would make mom a fantastic Christmas dinner. Yes just for her. And enjoy mom having a great time. The best Christmas present I could ever receive. Knowing mom was having a great time. I looked forward to Christmas each year. I started getting ready in September. Planning out the decorating of her room.
I miss her so very much. I miss having her here during the holidays. I miss my mother's smile each day when I arrived to see her. Not just at Christmas, but everyday all year long. It is not the same anymore. So very lonely, so very lonely.
Just one gift. is that to much to ask for. I haven't had a Christmas gift in a very long time. It was all about mom, Mom was first and I was last that was my deal. All about mom. I don't know how to do things for myself. I really don't ...............
I am still very much hurting. I can't raise my arms up without getting an instant headache. I can't drive. I can't lift anything without it hurting me. I can't even type much before I have to stop and take a break.
I need to stop for tonight.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC, Canada
V4B0A7
