Really

Hello again

I just recently received a comment from this women or man who is all up in arms and stating that I am pretending to be a doctor and am preying on  and taking advantage of seniors.

First of all I really don't think seniors are reading this blog. Maybe some are. Thanks for that.

Then pretending to be a doctor. Giving advice. Well the only advice I give, is not actually advice. It is from years of experience caring for loved one's with Alzheimer's/Dementia and who have had strokes. I share what works and what doesn't. Through trial and error I share my experience. And  years of researching and reading as much as I can find on this subject. Constant feeds from Google Scholar and other reputable institutions. John's Hopkins center for memory disorders. I read white papers, and all the books I can find on this. And have been doing so for many years.

I would consider myself very well versed on the subject. I don't write this to brag, but I do have many years of experience and research under my belt. Which can help someone and has helped.

On the sides of my Blog are constant, automatic updated news feeds on the latest research and information on Alzheimer's  I put this their so everyone who reads this, can have up to date information and news.

Never have I stated that I am a doctor. I am though, a behaviorist. I study human behavior. Why people do certain things. Change your behavior, change your life.

You would say Physician heal thy self. Change your own behavior.

You see it is not that simple. I suffer from severe depression. Robing Williams masked his depression by doing stand up. I mask mine through my personality.

I am on. I have a charismatic personality. I am enduring, caring, patient, trustworthy  and loyal. If you were to meet me, you too, would tell me your life story. Without hesitation. I have that type of personality.

Little does anyone know, that on the inside, I am suffering and in pain. Not physical, but psychological. I beat myself up all the time.

It just does not show. You would never know I am suffering from depression. It is not fun, It is not my choice. I have suffered with depression for a very long time.

I, too, have had my own battle with substance abuse. I drank excessively and smoked an enormous amount of pot. I did some coke, but it interfered with my drunk.

I knew early on in life that I cannot drink or do drugs. It doesn't work for me. Or I don't work for it. We just don't get along.  I drank because of depression. As with most Alcoholics. We are just not good enough, for ourselves and others.

I don't want to give advice. So maybe I should be saying; I am not good enough, for myself and others.

Though I have been sober once for ten years and now going on 11 years. I am not void of the addiction. As with others, it is easy to get back into. I have to be on the watch. I don't drink and that is what I tell myself everyday and tell others the same thing. I don't, however, tell others, I have addiction problems.

Yes I changed my behavior to keep clean. And it is working. This does not stop what I feel inside about myself. Or the pain it is causing me.

Living clean and sober, does not stop me from feeling the way I do. Allot of the time, I hate myself and am not worthy to even look after my mother.

Do I or have I had thoughts of suicide. Yes I have had these thoughts. Have I tried to commit suicide. No I have not.

You see I am just as messed up as the next person. And don't tell me your not messed up. We all have our own demons to deal with. Some worse than others. As vast majority of individuals suffer or have suffered some sort of depression. And if one thinks they don't have some sort of mental illness, they are fooling themselves.

Yes depression is a mental illness. Having a huge ego is a form of mental illness. Shall I go on.

I don't write this for anyone's approval.

I have asked many times for financial help. And have never received it from anyone who reads this Blog. May never will.

And we all have wish lists. I just make mine public. I know my wants, and I know my needs.


Well mom was a little impatient tonight. Wanting to hurry through dinner, because of the chocolate cake staring her in the face. Wanting to go to bed, but wanting her hair done.

After dinner, we went and did the dishes. And when done, because I though she was tired, we went back to her room. Well the look on her face told the whole story. It is Friday and why aren't we going to wash my hair. I could see it in her face. Even though she was tired and grumpy. This had to be done. So I did as mom wished.

Then got her changed and put into bed. When the staff came to change her pad, mom was complaining away. I just held her hands while the girl did what was needed.

When mom gets this grumpy, she may take a swing at me or the staff. This is why they like me to help out I keep mom calm.

As for me. I am also in physical pain. And would like to draw and write again without the pain associated with doing these tasks.

Splitting headache today and all stressed out.

I do need to stop now. It is really beginning to hurt my right arm.

GOD bless and good night.

Kristopher Schmuland

One day in life

Hello again

Mom feeling good today.

It is funny, when I am their, mom will hold my hand, the entire time, if she could and just look at me. She does not acknowledge other people around us. Does not want me to interact with them. And mom will get mad if I spend to much time speaking with other's while I am their.

I do understand this. She is lonely. And trust me, I do understand what lonely feels like. I am this way all the time. Lonely!  I deal with it. And because I am out around people most of the day, I have my fill of interaction. As  I have mentioned before, people will speak with me and tell me their life stories. In a few minutes.

Again as I mention, maybe I didn't, I don't like to be touched. This is a called Haphephobia. I will only touch and allow to be touched by my mother. I freaks me out even going to the doctors. I need a good half an hour to prepare for my appointment. And this contributes to my loneliness.

So I do understand that mom wants me to herself. For the little time I am their. So I give mom as much as my attention as I can. Even if that means not talking to other's.

Most people will say 3 or 4 hours a day is allot. But mom is their, by herself, the rest of the time. And because she can't speak, no one pays much attention to her. SO MOM IS LONELY

I need to be closer to spend even more time with her.

Other's will say, what about a life for yourself. This is the life I have chosen. To care for and be their for my ailing mother. As I was for my father and mother and father( when they lived in the same home)

It was a normal day today, with mom. Feeding her dinner, cleaning her eye's before dinner. The lights bother her. Putting her to bed, after changing her. Then her spa treatment. Hold her hand while she falls asleep and then singing our good night song.

Normal.

Normal is good

I wish I could do more for mom. I wish I would be living out their to do more for mom.

It seems this will never happen. I look and am looking with someone. But so far, no go.

I am the last child, of a resident, to leave the home each night.

Nothing has changed with my injuries, except they are getting worse.

Time to go for the night, after midnight again.

Please continue  to pray or start praying for mom and I

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

I am lost

Hello again

I am still very much saddened by the loss of Robin Williams. I will miss his brilliance Time to get all of his movies and shows. Purchase them, instead of downloading them. I just need to have them.

Well it is Wednesday and it was mom's hair day again.

Mom was very tired again today. And she had not gone to in 3 days. Very plugged up. But this has not stopped her from eating. And that she has done over the last three days.

After I washed her hair, the staff came in and we tried to get her to go, but no luck. So it was enema time. I stood there and held her hand while she was up in the sling.

Mom is to rigid to take to the washroom and sit on the toilet. So she has to be put in a special sling and held up above the bowel.

It is nice that mom is OK with me standing there holding her hand while she is trying to go. Squeezing my hand to help her along. My mom is that comfortable with me around her. Well if she will let me change her, I don't see why this would bother her.

After she was done, and changed and the spa treatment was finished. That was it, she was done for the day and just closed her eye's and reached for my hand to fall asleep. But I needed to sing her the good night song first. This she made known by starting to sing it.

Mom wants and needs to hold my hand through everything.

So I am again finished for he night. I am so tired and stressed out over not being able to find a place. Not having the funds to find a decent place. I don't care if I have furniture or not. I will sit on the floor for all I care.

Being stressed out over this accident and all of the problems associated with it.

And all the stress is getting to me.

I am so glad I have my mother who is trusting of me and comfortable with me.

GOD bless and good night.

Kristopher Schmuland

A very muggy day

Hello again

It was so hot yesterday that I found not to many people I spoke with could sleep last night. I sure couldn't. And it seems that mom could not either.

As she was very tired today, when I arrived. Almost asleep. Just waiting for me to get their to feed her and put her to bed. That is exactly what happened.

I know when mom is very tired. She takes a very long time to chew her food. Even food that is very soft. And this was mom tonight. It is OK, I have plenty of patients.

I did what I wrote above. Then the spa treatment, without exercising her legs. Mom was a little grumpy, she was swinging her arms, and grumbling at me.

It is the sign to hurry up and hold her hand so she can fall asleep. I am use to this.

And for me, more and more people are trying to assist me, thinking I have some terrible disease, that I shake like I do.

It is embarrassing.

Mom just couldn't wait until I sang the good night song to her. After this she just closed her eye's.

I am done for tonight

I can't live in this place any longer and I don't know what to do.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

Not everything is great in this world today

Hello again

The title of this post is to honour the great one Robin Williams. He has always been one of my favorite comedians. I watched his last series, to be disappointed that it was canceled.

I always had a good laugh at whatever he was doing. Though he suffered from depression, as most comedians do, he still for all these years, made the world a better place with his comedy and also, let us not forget his dramatic rolls as well.

Mork and Mindy was my first introduction to Robin Williams and since then  I have seen all of his movies and shows.

You will be missed Mr. Williams.

I was feeding mom when I heard that Robin Williams is dead. I thought I was hearing things. So I continued to feed mom and the news came on to let me know that it was true.

It was mom who wanted the TV on tonight. I was very hot at her home, and mom has a fan in her room. Which I turned on right away. So we decided to eat in her room. And mom was glancing at the TV. Meaning she wanted to watch it. I asked her if she wanted the new on, and yes she said. So if it was not for mom I would not of known about this until latter. Maybe tomorrow. As no one on the bus brought this up. A shame.

It was Big Mac time tonight. This is what mom wanted and ate all of it and half a fillet O fish. plus the avocado and cheese.

I arrived early so we started dinner early and therefore finished early. Which was good, I got to read to mom before the care aid came in to put mom to bed and change her.

Being Monday, mom went down to the hair dressers and she looked great.

After the spa treatment, I did the usual, just held her hand and let her fall asleep.

Mom hold my hand most of the time I am their. Security, comfort, what ever the reason I have no problem with it.

Nothing new with me. Still trying to find a place. Looking at one this weekend. My arm is shaking even more and people are really noticing it. Still the headache and not being able to turn my neck.

Still can't draw or write allot.

Done for tonight. I am just hot.

Please pray

GOD bless and good night.

Kristopher Schmuland

Sunday and a nice day

Hello again

It was a good day for both mom and I. Mom was very happy to see me. Big smile on her face. Always love this.

Nothing out of the normal. She had a good dinner, while I shook trying to feed her. Made a little bit of a mess.

Got her ready for bed. Brushed her teeth, changed her into her night gown, and put her in bed. Started her spa treatment. Finished her face and arms when the care aid came in. Did the rest after she was finished.

Then mom wanted more to drink, which I did for her. And then it was off to sleep. Or at least hold my hand and relax.

My arm shook like crazy today and my neck hurt

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland