Hello agian
I did everything right last night to go to sleep early. Yet I did not sleep, every few hours I was awakened. Don't know why, but this just was the way it was. This made for a very tiring day. It still is hard to bare the fact that mom is gone, passed away. Her birthday was very difficult for me. Being the first birthday without her. Just not there yet. To difficult to bare for me. I spent the day, yesterday, just remembering mom. This is easy, no problems with remembering mom. She is with me all the time, everyday. I still clearly remember holding her hand, her looking forward to me getting there each day, her reaching out to hold my hand.
So the closes I can get to my mother, is her aunt, my great aunt. So I decided I am going to spend time with her. I went down to where she was living, but no one could tell me what room she was in, they told me she was moved to the other building. Off I went to that building. Not there either. The building she is to be in, called the other building, because they could not find her name on the list of residents. And I was told she was up there on the third floor. Well she was on the third floor in the building that I originally went too. I left. I will have to go back tomorrow to find to see what the deal is.
I called and texted my cousin, her daughter, and asked what room she is in, where she is, what happened to her. Yet no answer, as usual. She is my great aunt, mom's aunt, almost a sister to mom. I just want to be able to visit her.
Well that was my evening, besides doing some laundry.
Today, I was at the job club, resources it is called. They have computers, faxes and assistance to find a job. I was on there computer for hours. I applied for numerous jobs. Yet no luck so far. Isn't it weird, that when I first started looking for a job, I sent out 8 resumes and got three job interviews and a job. Again that job lasted 3 days. They wanted to go a different way. I knew how to do that job,with ease. OK I will stop dwelling on the loss of that job and look to find a new job.
I need it right away. Any help from anyone would be appreciated. Yet it seems that I am holding my breath waiting for help from anyone. It just never materializes.
I wanted to be in a different place, and this place is nice. To bad the roommate decided to find a place up where he works. I understand. But it left me in a bad situation. I am trying to work on this. Everyday I am at it.
What I need is GOD to put me in the right place or together with the right people to help guide me in the right direction.
So I need to go now. Time to eat. But I am not very hungry. Very tired though. I do hpe I will have a good nights sleep tonight.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Just a extremely bad day, depressed beyond belief
Hello again
OK to start. It is mom's birthday and it is a very depressing day for me. This is the very first birthday mom is not here. All is different now. And it is not very good. I know mom is in a better place, not suffering anymore. But I do miss her greatly. Just, as mentioned before, holding her hand while she fell asleep, mean't so much to me. No matter what my life gave me, just going and being with mom, helping her, made my day better. I know I did it for mom. Not me. I did it so mom would never be alone or without someone who loves her, by her side each and everyday. To not let other's take advantage of her because she couldn't speak and couldn't use her left arm.
To just be their, taking care of her, was the best experience I could of every had. I know mom knew each day, what time I would be there and she would look out for me. The staff would tell me that she was waiting for me, daily.. And the smile on her face when she saw me. Just brilliant. She would immediately reach her hand out for mine.. and not let go. Such love. I have never experienced something like that before.
My mother is my friend. And I cannot let go of her. Yes I know she has passed away. But sometimes I think, this is all a cruel joke and mom is alive and well. That this is something my sister's would do to stop me from seeing mom. Fake her death.
But no, sadly mom is no longer with me. It is just me now. Alone and with no one.
I don't even have any counselors anymore.
After mom passed I had no counselors, than I had three, now none again. Well one of them I had to stop seeing because I can no longer afford to see her. And she was the one who was helping me the most.
And the one at Fraser Health, is not really a counselor, but a social worker. who thinks I am dealing with everything fine. Not so I say. Again I put on a brave face and I need to just not do that, to just tell them the truth. Exactly how I am doing and that is not well.!
I need to speak to someone about how I feel, yet I have no one. No one at all. People just want to tell me about their problems and are not concerned that I am hurting and not wanting to be here anymore.
Yes I said that again. What is the point of being here. I am contributing nothing to the world. I did, I made someone happy and loved. Now I don't do anything of value. Just exist, and I am not even doing that well.
Just existing is not a life. It seems I cannot hear GOD speaking to me telling me exactly what direction HE wants me to go. I need a miracle.
I have been sending off resumes each day. I did well at the beginning and got two job interviews, and one after. Yet I am not working. My age is a factor that I never thought would be a problem. And yet it is . I can't even get a job that I could do blind folded.
I need to speak to someone right away, I am not doing well. I am talking to myself allot lately. Well no one else to speak with, so I need to talk to someone. What better person than myself. Yes I am nuts. Go figure that I would be crazy. Everything else is wrong with me, I might as well be crazy at the same time.
My last bit here tonight is I NEED HELP TO GIVE MOM A SERVICE. A SERVICE SO MOM'S SPIRIT CAN RESST. FOR MOM'S SPIRIT TO MOVE ON.
I know mom's spirit is waiting for all of the people she helped to come and say a few words.
But I need a few thousand dollars to do it right.
Plus I no longer have a roommate. This alone screwed me over, big time. No help with this either.
Yet I am trying to find work. I started to look for work long before I moved in here.
DONE. I AM REALLY DONE. CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Oh yes. I do very much appreciate everyone who continues to read this mess. Thank you, to all of you from all over the world.
OK to start. It is mom's birthday and it is a very depressing day for me. This is the very first birthday mom is not here. All is different now. And it is not very good. I know mom is in a better place, not suffering anymore. But I do miss her greatly. Just, as mentioned before, holding her hand while she fell asleep, mean't so much to me. No matter what my life gave me, just going and being with mom, helping her, made my day better. I know I did it for mom. Not me. I did it so mom would never be alone or without someone who loves her, by her side each and everyday. To not let other's take advantage of her because she couldn't speak and couldn't use her left arm.
To just be their, taking care of her, was the best experience I could of every had. I know mom knew each day, what time I would be there and she would look out for me. The staff would tell me that she was waiting for me, daily.. And the smile on her face when she saw me. Just brilliant. She would immediately reach her hand out for mine.. and not let go. Such love. I have never experienced something like that before.
My mother is my friend. And I cannot let go of her. Yes I know she has passed away. But sometimes I think, this is all a cruel joke and mom is alive and well. That this is something my sister's would do to stop me from seeing mom. Fake her death.
But no, sadly mom is no longer with me. It is just me now. Alone and with no one.
I don't even have any counselors anymore.
After mom passed I had no counselors, than I had three, now none again. Well one of them I had to stop seeing because I can no longer afford to see her. And she was the one who was helping me the most.
And the one at Fraser Health, is not really a counselor, but a social worker. who thinks I am dealing with everything fine. Not so I say. Again I put on a brave face and I need to just not do that, to just tell them the truth. Exactly how I am doing and that is not well.!
I need to speak to someone about how I feel, yet I have no one. No one at all. People just want to tell me about their problems and are not concerned that I am hurting and not wanting to be here anymore.
Yes I said that again. What is the point of being here. I am contributing nothing to the world. I did, I made someone happy and loved. Now I don't do anything of value. Just exist, and I am not even doing that well.
Just existing is not a life. It seems I cannot hear GOD speaking to me telling me exactly what direction HE wants me to go. I need a miracle.
I have been sending off resumes each day. I did well at the beginning and got two job interviews, and one after. Yet I am not working. My age is a factor that I never thought would be a problem. And yet it is . I can't even get a job that I could do blind folded.
I need to speak to someone right away, I am not doing well. I am talking to myself allot lately. Well no one else to speak with, so I need to talk to someone. What better person than myself. Yes I am nuts. Go figure that I would be crazy. Everything else is wrong with me, I might as well be crazy at the same time.
My last bit here tonight is I NEED HELP TO GIVE MOM A SERVICE. A SERVICE SO MOM'S SPIRIT CAN RESST. FOR MOM'S SPIRIT TO MOVE ON.
I know mom's spirit is waiting for all of the people she helped to come and say a few words.
But I need a few thousand dollars to do it right.
Plus I no longer have a roommate. This alone screwed me over, big time. No help with this either.
Yet I am trying to find work. I started to look for work long before I moved in here.
DONE. I AM REALLY DONE. CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Oh yes. I do very much appreciate everyone who continues to read this mess. Thank you, to all of you from all over the world.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
The stress is getting greater
Hello again
Well in a few hours, my time, it is my mother's birthday. I have bought her a card and some flowers. Yes I am crazy or is it that I am not over her passing and this is the first birthday, of hers, that she is not here. The latter is the correct answer. Time goes by, but my heart still misses mom greatly. Mom was my life for many, many years and now, she is no longer with me. I am truly alone. No family. Yes I have two sisters, several cousins an uncle and great aunt. But not a one of them, do I consider family. I hear from not a soul. What a shame it is that they did nothing for mom, and continue to do nothing for anyone but themselves.
A selfish lot, if I may say so. And I do, with pleasure. I forgive them but will never forget. The truth be know, I don't miss any of them. None have been in my life for a very long time. They also want nothing to do with me, either. GOOD
My day was filled with depression. I wanted to get up at 7 am, but due to my depression, I could not even fall asleep until 4 am and slept. I have so many calls to make and feel guilty for not getting up. It is not a good time for me. These are the days I dread. Everyday is a day I don't look forward too. I am trying to get a job to occupy my time, bring in some extra income. Get me out of me. This is the only way I can try to move on. Get out of myself. I will never forget. Each and every holiday, will I celebrate, only for mom. But not for me. I don't have anywhere to go anyways. Again no friends. OK just three friends. I know allot of people, I speak to allot of people. But none are my friends. Just acquaintances.
I don't know anymore about anything. It is days like this that I don't want to be around. And my purpose. Yet to be revealed to me. I thought I was given many skills and abilities through out my time taking care of mom. I had many to start with. Yet, here it is 8 months later and nothing.
I really need a job, now. The roommate screwed me over and now I have the full rent to pay. My income does not cover the rent, let alone bills. Yet I had a job and lost it. Again they decided to go another way. TO OLD, I am. Really!
Even though I slept in, I was able to get to the job bank and send several resumes off today. Back at it again tomorrow. I need to get up early, no matter what. To much to do.
So I say good night to all.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Well in a few hours, my time, it is my mother's birthday. I have bought her a card and some flowers. Yes I am crazy or is it that I am not over her passing and this is the first birthday, of hers, that she is not here. The latter is the correct answer. Time goes by, but my heart still misses mom greatly. Mom was my life for many, many years and now, she is no longer with me. I am truly alone. No family. Yes I have two sisters, several cousins an uncle and great aunt. But not a one of them, do I consider family. I hear from not a soul. What a shame it is that they did nothing for mom, and continue to do nothing for anyone but themselves.
A selfish lot, if I may say so. And I do, with pleasure. I forgive them but will never forget. The truth be know, I don't miss any of them. None have been in my life for a very long time. They also want nothing to do with me, either. GOOD
My day was filled with depression. I wanted to get up at 7 am, but due to my depression, I could not even fall asleep until 4 am and slept. I have so many calls to make and feel guilty for not getting up. It is not a good time for me. These are the days I dread. Everyday is a day I don't look forward too. I am trying to get a job to occupy my time, bring in some extra income. Get me out of me. This is the only way I can try to move on. Get out of myself. I will never forget. Each and every holiday, will I celebrate, only for mom. But not for me. I don't have anywhere to go anyways. Again no friends. OK just three friends. I know allot of people, I speak to allot of people. But none are my friends. Just acquaintances.
I don't know anymore about anything. It is days like this that I don't want to be around. And my purpose. Yet to be revealed to me. I thought I was given many skills and abilities through out my time taking care of mom. I had many to start with. Yet, here it is 8 months later and nothing.
I really need a job, now. The roommate screwed me over and now I have the full rent to pay. My income does not cover the rent, let alone bills. Yet I had a job and lost it. Again they decided to go another way. TO OLD, I am. Really!
Even though I slept in, I was able to get to the job bank and send several resumes off today. Back at it again tomorrow. I need to get up early, no matter what. To much to do.
So I say good night to all.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Monday, October 10, 2016
Stressed because
Hello again
It is coming closer to Mom's Birthday. Thanksgiving today. As mentioned I usually make mom a dinner with everything that one would have on Thanksgiving. So this year I don't even get to do that. It is a very lonely day for me, today. I miss mom greatly and I am having a difficult day. As well as mom's birthday on the 12. I have always made sure I celebrated these two days separately. To give mom two separate dinners and cards etc............ I loved doing this for mom. Now nothing. Just me and me only.
I am truly alone in this great big world.
I am trying to do my best. I am applying for jobs. But it really pisses me off that I had a job and now I need to find another one. Oh well I will send more off tomorrow. I spent last week doing just that. Had another interview, which I mentioned. About the last words out the owners mouth were thank you SIR.
So Wednesday is mom's Birthday. I will buy her flowers, put them beside her urn and a card as well. I have been doing this randomly anyways. Flowers that is.
Brain fog again today. Very difficult to concentrate on much...
Today was just a day of nothing. Being alone, Trying to figure out what to do. Cleaning up my place a bit more.
No more roommate, so rent is on me from now on. I need a job, now, so I can get paid by the end of the month.
I can't move.
I have no choice but to trust in GOD that all will work out.
Please pray for me.
Need to go to church again. It is time.
Also pray that the people who took mom's chair gets punished.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
It is coming closer to Mom's Birthday. Thanksgiving today. As mentioned I usually make mom a dinner with everything that one would have on Thanksgiving. So this year I don't even get to do that. It is a very lonely day for me, today. I miss mom greatly and I am having a difficult day. As well as mom's birthday on the 12. I have always made sure I celebrated these two days separately. To give mom two separate dinners and cards etc............ I loved doing this for mom. Now nothing. Just me and me only.
I am truly alone in this great big world.
I am trying to do my best. I am applying for jobs. But it really pisses me off that I had a job and now I need to find another one. Oh well I will send more off tomorrow. I spent last week doing just that. Had another interview, which I mentioned. About the last words out the owners mouth were thank you SIR.
So Wednesday is mom's Birthday. I will buy her flowers, put them beside her urn and a card as well. I have been doing this randomly anyways. Flowers that is.
Brain fog again today. Very difficult to concentrate on much...
Today was just a day of nothing. Being alone, Trying to figure out what to do. Cleaning up my place a bit more.
No more roommate, so rent is on me from now on. I need a job, now, so I can get paid by the end of the month.
I can't move.
I have no choice but to trust in GOD that all will work out.
Please pray for me.
Need to go to church again. It is time.
Also pray that the people who took mom's chair gets punished.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)