Hello again
Today I decided to call the insurance company in my province. ICBC. And see how much I owe. It turns out they wrote the dept off. So I owed nothing. Off to the Drivers bureau to see about my license. Since it has been ten years or so since I owned a car and driven. I have to take the road test again. Plus I need to take a test on road signs. Well I failed it three times. And that is all you are allowed each day. I can go back tomorrow and take it again. But I have the book and on the ICBC web site I can take the practice test as many times as I like. Which I am planning on doing. I will go back on Monday, better prepared.
I just walked into the place, with not having driven in a long time. What did I expect.
And then, the depression hit me. I started to think about mom and driving her around. Which I was not able to do, because of the dept. Which was written off last year. If I only knew I could of been taking mom out for drives all over the place. Guilt is now a huge part of my day and tearing that comes with it. I just thought. Not good enough. I should of been on this every year.
And the last few days have not been good. I have been filled with anxiety, depression. And I missed my doctors appointment this morning. As well as an intake for a depression and anxiety workshop. That I booked at the same time and the same day. Today at 10:00 am. This alone caused me to shut down. When I screw up like this I shut down.
I have so many things to do, I am getting none of them done. Time to write a list and check things off as I go.
I have to call several subsidized housing organizations. To apply at. Which I have not done and had the list for a week. I am getting up to late in the morning. OK, I don`t have a list made up.
Now I need to go and explain everything to all. Why I missed my appointments More guilt to add to my list.
These are some of the things that stop me cold in my tracks each day. Not getting anything done.
This is the reason I am so ......... up.
Need to eat and get up early to go to the clinic and take some practice tests.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland.
Friday, June 17, 2016
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Help Help and Help
Hello again
In life we are told we are to surpass our parents with our achievements and goals. Well I am just a looser. I have made progress, somewhat, in my life. I sure have not surpassed my parents in what they accomplished in their lives. I own nothing. I am in dept. I rent in a place that is completely against any and all of what I believe in. I cannot even give my mother a funeral/memorial service.
The best and greatest thing I have ever done in my life, was to take care of my mother. Nothing else. Nothing compares to it and nothing will ever compare to it. I don't believe I will accomplish anything with my life. It certainly doesn't look like anything is shaping up to do anything with my life.
I have not had a chance to fully grieve yet. Been to busy dealing with all the crap that has and is going on since my mother passed away. Dealing with the nonsense that my sister's have put me through. Now the wheelchair is missing over $2000 worth of parts and I have a nagging feeling it was not Al Hogg but.................. not going to write it down.
I tell her on the phone if it were not for their refusal of me having the chair, none of this would of happened. She tells me that you should of said you wanted the chair the night mom passed away. The chair ended up in probate because I did say I wanted the chair and they just did not want me to have it. So who is to blame here. Not me. I would of taken it and all the pieces would of been there. Well today I called the police and one of the White Rock RCMP officers came up to my place and took a report and she is going to look into it. And do a thorough investigation . So we will see who are the ones who took the parts. Al Hogg, the PGT or ...............
I don't trust anyone. I don't trust any member of my family The strangers that they are to me. I, again, have not spoken this much to them in over a dozen years. And it is only because they need me to go to the lawyers office and sign papers. That is when I hear from them and I won't hear from them again, as we have signed just about all the papers for now. And when this is all over and done with. I will never hear from them again. And I am happy about this.
They are strangers to me and I am OK with that. I don't have anything to say anyways. They have no ideas what mom went through while in all the different homes. They just didn't care for there mom. Or just to selfish to care about what happened to their mother. I was there, not them or anyone else in my so called family. And I do have several members living out here.Once again, strangers. And it will be that way, I want nothing to do with any of them. Period.
None of them are or were around while I am going through this very difficult and trying time in my life.
I also went to a grief counselor today. That was OK, we established some parameters on what we will discuss.Only about my feeling about the loss of my mother. Everything else I will have to discuss with a psychologist.
I am messed up and have extreme anxiety and a my depression has never, in my life, stopped. No matter what kind of medication I have been given. Nothing has helped me.
I can't do anything, I can't get anything done. My anxiety,depression and the fact I have nothing, is stopping me from even moving forward in my life.
I need to move, and move on. I need to live by myself so I can have an empty place to just let go and grieve. To just be by myself. That is all I want.
I want no one around me. I want no one close to me. I can easily make friends, but keeping them is my problem. Border line personality disorder, is what it is called. Plus everything else. that is wrong with me. I can't even find a doctor to help me...
So I leave you know, for what to sit in my room, as I don't want to be around this situation. It is just BS after BS.
They might read this, and that is OK with me. Because I DON;T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME. NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I JUST DON'T CARE. I HAVE NO FEELINGS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. PERIOD!
Now this crazy women is yelling at me telling me I am not allowed to cook at this time of the night.I ma on the lease. She doesn't get it. She tells me I only rent a room. No I say, I am on the lease and I share the entire apartment.
So that is how I am ending me night. Blank people/
So I say to you, Pray for me, that I find a place soon.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
In life we are told we are to surpass our parents with our achievements and goals. Well I am just a looser. I have made progress, somewhat, in my life. I sure have not surpassed my parents in what they accomplished in their lives. I own nothing. I am in dept. I rent in a place that is completely against any and all of what I believe in. I cannot even give my mother a funeral/memorial service.
The best and greatest thing I have ever done in my life, was to take care of my mother. Nothing else. Nothing compares to it and nothing will ever compare to it. I don't believe I will accomplish anything with my life. It certainly doesn't look like anything is shaping up to do anything with my life.
I have not had a chance to fully grieve yet. Been to busy dealing with all the crap that has and is going on since my mother passed away. Dealing with the nonsense that my sister's have put me through. Now the wheelchair is missing over $2000 worth of parts and I have a nagging feeling it was not Al Hogg but.................. not going to write it down.
I tell her on the phone if it were not for their refusal of me having the chair, none of this would of happened. She tells me that you should of said you wanted the chair the night mom passed away. The chair ended up in probate because I did say I wanted the chair and they just did not want me to have it. So who is to blame here. Not me. I would of taken it and all the pieces would of been there. Well today I called the police and one of the White Rock RCMP officers came up to my place and took a report and she is going to look into it. And do a thorough investigation . So we will see who are the ones who took the parts. Al Hogg, the PGT or ...............
I don't trust anyone. I don't trust any member of my family The strangers that they are to me. I, again, have not spoken this much to them in over a dozen years. And it is only because they need me to go to the lawyers office and sign papers. That is when I hear from them and I won't hear from them again, as we have signed just about all the papers for now. And when this is all over and done with. I will never hear from them again. And I am happy about this.
They are strangers to me and I am OK with that. I don't have anything to say anyways. They have no ideas what mom went through while in all the different homes. They just didn't care for there mom. Or just to selfish to care about what happened to their mother. I was there, not them or anyone else in my so called family. And I do have several members living out here.Once again, strangers. And it will be that way, I want nothing to do with any of them. Period.
None of them are or were around while I am going through this very difficult and trying time in my life.
I also went to a grief counselor today. That was OK, we established some parameters on what we will discuss.Only about my feeling about the loss of my mother. Everything else I will have to discuss with a psychologist.
I am messed up and have extreme anxiety and a my depression has never, in my life, stopped. No matter what kind of medication I have been given. Nothing has helped me.
I can't do anything, I can't get anything done. My anxiety,depression and the fact I have nothing, is stopping me from even moving forward in my life.
I need to move, and move on. I need to live by myself so I can have an empty place to just let go and grieve. To just be by myself. That is all I want.
I want no one around me. I want no one close to me. I can easily make friends, but keeping them is my problem. Border line personality disorder, is what it is called. Plus everything else. that is wrong with me. I can't even find a doctor to help me...
So I leave you know, for what to sit in my room, as I don't want to be around this situation. It is just BS after BS.
They might read this, and that is OK with me. Because I DON;T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME. NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I JUST DON'T CARE. I HAVE NO FEELINGS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. PERIOD!
Now this crazy women is yelling at me telling me I am not allowed to cook at this time of the night.I ma on the lease. She doesn't get it. She tells me I only rent a room. No I say, I am on the lease and I share the entire apartment.
So that is how I am ending me night. Blank people/
So I say to you, Pray for me, that I find a place soon.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Monday, June 13, 2016
Peace and quiet
Hello again
I realize that the one thing missing from my life is peace quiet. To just be alone, to not be around anyone when I need to just be alone. And I cannot do this here. No peace. No alone time. Time where I can walk around naked if I so choose to do so.
I am extremely stressed out now and have been for a while. I have not been able to grieve. I cannot get someone to speak with, about all the junk going on in my life and all the issues that are affecting me. My depression, anxiety, self loathing, my OCD and PTSD plus a few other things that are going on. Borderline personality disorder. I want to go and hang out with people, but when I am with them, I don't want to be there. I need to leave and be by myself.
I can't stop thinking about how much I miss my mother. I still haven't called the police concerning the wheelchair. I still have not given my mother a service. I keep asking for your help, but nothing, So I ask again.
Help me put my mother to peace, by giving her a memorial service she deserves.
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
There are so many things that need to be done. I need a doctor to assist me with my disability application. Very hard to find.
I am more and more pain each and everyday. I want to quit. Just give up. My life is not going where I want it to go. My own self is stopping me. Not thinking I am worthy to have something nice, or live on my own.
I have to phone this place back and let them know I am the housing registry.
There is so much to write and I have no idea where to start or even what I am going to write about next.
I am drawing a blank today. Has been like this all day long.
I can't even write the truth at this moment. Being spied on.
Well that is it.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
I realize that the one thing missing from my life is peace quiet. To just be alone, to not be around anyone when I need to just be alone. And I cannot do this here. No peace. No alone time. Time where I can walk around naked if I so choose to do so.
I am extremely stressed out now and have been for a while. I have not been able to grieve. I cannot get someone to speak with, about all the junk going on in my life and all the issues that are affecting me. My depression, anxiety, self loathing, my OCD and PTSD plus a few other things that are going on. Borderline personality disorder. I want to go and hang out with people, but when I am with them, I don't want to be there. I need to leave and be by myself.
I can't stop thinking about how much I miss my mother. I still haven't called the police concerning the wheelchair. I still have not given my mother a service. I keep asking for your help, but nothing, So I ask again.
Help me put my mother to peace, by giving her a memorial service she deserves.
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
There are so many things that need to be done. I need a doctor to assist me with my disability application. Very hard to find.
I am more and more pain each and everyday. I want to quit. Just give up. My life is not going where I want it to go. My own self is stopping me. Not thinking I am worthy to have something nice, or live on my own.
I have to phone this place back and let them know I am the housing registry.
There is so much to write and I have no idea where to start or even what I am going to write about next.
I am drawing a blank today. Has been like this all day long.
I can't even write the truth at this moment. Being spied on.
Well that is it.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Trying very hard not too................
Hello again
Excuse me for not writing the last many days. I miss it very much. It has just been very difficult for me the last week, I am trying very hard to keep it together, without going nuts and exploding on someone.
I am having angry issues, that stem from not getting the help I need or want. I go to doctors and tell them I need some help,, I need to go see this person or that person. And all this new guy wants to do is blood work. Which I had it all done last year. I tried to tell him that, but guess what. You got it. He didn't listen to me. Now I need to do it all over again. It is very difficult. As I can't sleep and I need to fast for 10 hours. If I can't sleep I am up, at least having something to drink. Or going outside, yes outside, at 3 am.
I am not only grieving the loss of my mother, I have other issues that need to be addressed. I have been depressed most of my life and nothing is ever done about it. I keep getting pills and more pills. I don;t take any of them. Are you kidding me. They whack you out. And they just are not doing anything for me.
I want to go and talk to someone. And just let everything out in the open. Spill the beans, as they would say. Not dope me up. I just won't take them. I have been on antidepressants before and strong one's at that. Nothing. Still depressed and still have extreme anxiety issues.
I dropped into the mood disorder association's office this past week. They are not taking any referrals until August. To see the psychiatrist. Then the receptionist told me about this other place, where I can see a counselor. $85.00 hr. I don't have money to give my mother a funeral service, where I am going to get money to see a psychologist. At that rate, in 6 months, I will have paid for a service for mom.
Where I live a psychiatrist is covered under medical. But not a psychologist is not covered. Back at where I started from. Nowhere. I need to see someone, but I can't because I am poor and I don't have and will not pay $85.00 hr.
Now everything is not well. I need a serious change of pace. NOW!
I am going for now, need to eat something. Not eating lately. Just riding the buses in a circle. Just so I am out of the house.
I have to call the police tomorrow morning. I can't let this go on any longer. I am speaking about the $2000 in missing parts for the wheelchair. It is theft. Plain and simple. And I know exactly who took it. Or should I say The place which took the parts off the chair. We all know where I believe the parts went missing.
If the police don't do anything about it, I will write the papers and picket the place. Every morning for an hour. I just have to walk down the street. I will also go to the head office tomorrow, as well.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher W. A. Schmuland. .
Excuse me for not writing the last many days. I miss it very much. It has just been very difficult for me the last week, I am trying very hard to keep it together, without going nuts and exploding on someone.
I am having angry issues, that stem from not getting the help I need or want. I go to doctors and tell them I need some help,, I need to go see this person or that person. And all this new guy wants to do is blood work. Which I had it all done last year. I tried to tell him that, but guess what. You got it. He didn't listen to me. Now I need to do it all over again. It is very difficult. As I can't sleep and I need to fast for 10 hours. If I can't sleep I am up, at least having something to drink. Or going outside, yes outside, at 3 am.
I am not only grieving the loss of my mother, I have other issues that need to be addressed. I have been depressed most of my life and nothing is ever done about it. I keep getting pills and more pills. I don;t take any of them. Are you kidding me. They whack you out. And they just are not doing anything for me.
I want to go and talk to someone. And just let everything out in the open. Spill the beans, as they would say. Not dope me up. I just won't take them. I have been on antidepressants before and strong one's at that. Nothing. Still depressed and still have extreme anxiety issues.
I dropped into the mood disorder association's office this past week. They are not taking any referrals until August. To see the psychiatrist. Then the receptionist told me about this other place, where I can see a counselor. $85.00 hr. I don't have money to give my mother a funeral service, where I am going to get money to see a psychologist. At that rate, in 6 months, I will have paid for a service for mom.
Where I live a psychiatrist is covered under medical. But not a psychologist is not covered. Back at where I started from. Nowhere. I need to see someone, but I can't because I am poor and I don't have and will not pay $85.00 hr.
Now everything is not well. I need a serious change of pace. NOW!
I am going for now, need to eat something. Not eating lately. Just riding the buses in a circle. Just so I am out of the house.
I have to call the police tomorrow morning. I can't let this go on any longer. I am speaking about the $2000 in missing parts for the wheelchair. It is theft. Plain and simple. And I know exactly who took it. Or should I say The place which took the parts off the chair. We all know where I believe the parts went missing.
If the police don't do anything about it, I will write the papers and picket the place. Every morning for an hour. I just have to walk down the street. I will also go to the head office tomorrow, as well.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher W. A. Schmuland. .
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