Someday...............

Hello again

Today I had to go back into Vancouver to the Microsoft store, as I took my laptop in yesterday to try to fix a problem with Microsoft's Silver light program. They couldn't download there own program, because of there firewall. Interesting.

So the tech guy was doing things to make my computer faster, and well it just messed it up and when I brought it home, it was so bad I couldn't even connect to the Internet. Brought it back and he fixed it for me. At the store you get 15 - 20 free service.

Fixed now.

Well after that I wondered around. I had nothing else to do. Now where to go. Just looked at different things and people.

Took some photo's of the northshore mountains. Put them up on FaceBook. Then I just found a place and read a bit.

I keep trying to look at my mother's photo's, but every time I do, I just start crying. I am not even dealing with it properly. I have been so busy dealing with the sister's and the Supreme Court action, that I can't even grieve.

Mom was my life and she was the only family I had left in this world. The other's try to tell me there my family,, but they are mere strangers to me. I haven't heard or seen anything from them in a dozen years. Strangers, that is all they are. And that is all they will ever be. The only reason they are even speaking to me is there is the inheritance. And they are calling to speed up the process.

I just don't give a crap about the money. I just want my mother back. Sure the little will help out a bit. But it won't give me my family back, my mother.

So I go on and struggle with life as it is. I just want a funeral service for mom. And you know I am trying to raise money for this. I would prefer a loan, with substantial interest to who ever will assist with me with this. It won't even have anything to do with me. It will just involve the probate lawyer. Writing a cheque directly to whomever it is that will assist me. Electronic money transfer. Whatever can be agreed upon.

So I wait some more.

I have put a deposit down on a service, I just need the rest. It has been to long. Mom should of had her service within two weeks of her passing. NOT TWO MONTHS OR MORE.

I would like it to be done in two weeks. I ask for your assistance. Please read the updates on the campaign page. This will explain everything.

Now there are photo's that each of the two sister's say they don't have. Photo's of mom and dad's wedding, dad's in the service. His medals. And I want copies of them all. But they continue to say they don't have them. Well someone has them and I know it is not me and I know they were at my younger sister's place the last time I saw them.

I think about all of this and I pray for GOD's assistance with this. It is only GOD that can help me out.

The one thing that really upsets me, is that there is no one for me to speak with. I have not been able to speak with anyone about my mother's passing and how I am feeling. No one even bothers to check up on me. I spent 4 1/2 years dealing with all the staff at Al Hogg and not a one of them has even called. Even the daughters of residents I know, have not bothered to call.

Maybe I am asking to much. I think not. I gave of myself to all. I was willing to help all who needed my help.

Another thing that bother's me is I knew all these residents and became friends with them. But being banned from Al Hogg, I can't visit them. I know some of them are even saying why isn't he coming to see us. I know this. I have only spoken with one resident and she is a lovely women.

Now I say I don't care what happens to me anymore. I just need a service for mom and then I just don't care.

It hasn't even been two months yet and I am suffering greatly. I don't even want to be around people anymore. I think why bother. It is not worth it.

This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I say my mother deserves to have the respect she should have, by having a service. So all of us can say our proper good bye's.

It is what we all need, it is what mom needs.

I am noticing that I am all over the place tonight with my writing. So I will just stop now. I think I could go on and on, but no.

Is it me, am I that much of a horrible person that no one will speak with me.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

A holiday

Hello again
Well it is Easter Weekend and I was asked over for dinner at someone's place. I turned it down. I only have celebrated holidays with my mother for the last 12 years. Now that she is gone, I will never celebrate a holiday again. I am done. No more.

I mentioned before how alone I felt now that mom is gone. OK, I was  alone before, but I had mom. I knew the next day I would be seeing mom and I wouldn't feel alone anymore. It was just when I left and came home, I felt alone. Now that mom has passed away, I truly know what it is like to be alone. I am really alone now. With no one to be with. All of those years I looked after mom, I never really made friends. I didn't have time to make and keep friends. I don't regret anything I did for mom, I don't regret not making any friends. I don't regret there just being mom and I.

Yes I do have sister's and others . But they are only blood. Otherwise they are strangers to me. And they have been that way for a very long time. Not family. Strangers.

But because I have only celebrated holidays with my mother. I just won't be celebrating any holidays anymore.Just to many painful memories for me. Especially Christmas.

I so miss my mother. It is coming up to two months, very soon and I still have not had a proper chance to grieve.

All I want to do it to give mom and service that she deserves. Like it was suppose to be. All arranged and everything. But because of, well you all know and I don't want to mention it anymore. It never happened.

I am trying to arrange for a service to happen, but I need the money to do this. And I have nothing. I am, as you  know, trying to raise funds through a fundraising campaign, Not much luck with this. I have even asked if anyone would consider a loan, Nothing so far. I need to have the service within a two  weeks from now. It is important.

I ask again for help with this. To donate or for a loan, to be paid back, by the end of August with interest.

https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk

I have not been online, or able to get online, for the last few days. I have had issues with my computer.

I do apologize for this. I see my numbers dropped way off over the last days. But I thank all who read this.

I am tired and need to eat something. So I will be back again tomorrow.

Thank you and GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

My days are little

Hello again

These days I cannot even look at a photo of mom without crying. And it doesn't matter where I am. I am not dealing with this very well. I now realize that. The grieving has not even begun. And I am not prepared for it when it does come.

I really need to speak with a counselor about this . And right away. I  guess I will have to get on the phone and call the counselor in the morning.

In the mean time. I still have not had a chance to find out why I am not allowed in the Al Hogg building. But you know what, who cares anyways..

I am going to be taking steps and that is all I will say for now.

Now the matter of mom's ashes. My younger sister called me last week and I had to find a quiet place to speak to her. I was in Vancouver and on the train coming back  Way to loud to speak to her. So I go off the train and went into this hotel to call her back.

Well she tells me that the two of them don't want to fight and I can have mom's ashes and the wheelchair. They just want a bit of mom's ashes and I can have some of dad's ashes to put with mom and visa versa.

So I told her I need a letter from each of you stating that you agree to let me have mom's ashes and they will be released to me. I will need to  call them again and mention this again to them. And I need it done right away or I will just continue with the Supreme Court Petition. I am working on it and will continue to work on it. I don't trust the two of them, at all.

I have not spoken with them this much in at least 15 years. And not at all in 9, and that was for 15 minutes, over having a Veterans funeral for dad. Which as you all know what happened with that.
They turned around and illegally arranged a funeral without my involvement.  And that as against the law  Found that out speaking with a lawyer last week.

Now what to do. I have no idea where my life is heading and right now it is heading nowhere. I have so much to do;. I need to get a new doctor and get on disability. I am a mess right now. I don't show it, but I feel it.

It is not a nice feeling. The doctor I have now just won't do anything for me. Won't sign any papers. Papers I need to have filled out.

So I just exist. And barely at that.

The one thing and only one thing I want, is to have a service for mom. That is the only thing I need to happen. After that I could care less what happens to me. I just don't care if I live or die. Really I have nothing. I was told for years that GOD will bless you. I always said I wish HE would bless me now so I could share the blessing with mom and others.

I am still told, just wait and GOD will bless you for what all you did for your mother. I am waiting and I need HIS help now. Emotionally and spiritually. But to date nothing.

I am not expecting the world,  but something. A sign that I am on the right path or that I run into someone who, says to me. Oh I am here for you.

Even though I live with people, I am alone and I really  am tired of it. ;Loneliness is heart breaking. It is a deep pain that never goes away.

Yet at the same time I am very use to it..

So I go on.

One day soon I will get back to writing about mom. Very soon. I have so much to say about her and her life.

Where do I start.

But it is now late and I need to be up early. I still have things to do, that are leading nowhere.

So GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

I ask again for your help. I is now only for a Memorial Service for my mother Mary Schmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk