Hello again
It was an OK day. I went and volunteered at a local community dinner. This I did at Christmas time. I enjoyed speaking with the staff and volunteers. But I didn't eat dinner as it was ham and I don't eat pork. I had a salad. I am waiting for my dinner now. By the time I finish this it should be done, having to take breaks and all.
As I was going there by bus, I was speaking with someone and this lady, beside us, just started freaking out and telling us to stop speaking about that. We were speaking about mental illness.
I arrived home at 9 and have been just sitting and then got bored. Out for a walk I went.
The one thing I have to say is I am extremely bored. I haven't been out of White Rock for a few months. I mean downtown Vancouver. I was just in Surrey today. I am going stir crazy. It is almost impossible to just sit. Even though my doctor tells me to rest and don't do anything to harsh or difficult. But everything involves lifting and bending. But this is painful for me. Again, pain is just that, pain. I have had so much pain in my life that it is just part of my day. Doesn't mean I don't feel it deeply, and that is doesn't bother me greatly. Which it does.
I am so, I don't know, but I am getting emotional at TV shows I have been watching. Yes tearing up. It is weird. Well it is depression and it is coming out in an obvious way. I am messed up.
I can't keep paying this rent. I need a place that is cheaper. Which I might have found. I am not going to say to much I don't want to curse the plan.
I just ask that you pray that I get the financial miracle I need to pay up my rent. I don't want to screw my landlord over for past rent. I want to catch up on the rent before I move out. And I need cash to move.
But please pray I get this subsidize place and I get the financial miracle to pay all of the rent at the place where I now live.
Thank you for your prayers. I need them. I need to move this place is just sucking me down the drain. Thanks to my ex roommate moving out. Just throwing everything at rent and not having anything left over for even groceries. Thank GOD for the food bank, otherwise I would of been starving. But no bus fare or anything else I can't even go for a tea with anyone. Well a new female friend. That is so bad that I can't even afford to buy this women a coffee. Pretty bad isn't it. That is the way I have been living for months now. And it is becoming really difficult. I feel that I am loosing it.
So please understand where I am coming from. And that is nothing. We all need to go somewhere.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Friday, January 13, 2017
Normal
Hello again
Well today was as stated normal. It was not bad, nothing bad happened, It was OK, During the day nothing exciting happened. I just went to sources and applied for a few more jobs. I checked for mail at my mailbox, for the last time, I will going there tomorrow and turning in the keys. This is not a good thing. The only place where I know my mail was safe and I had access to it 24/7. Unlike where I live, I need to knock on the door of the landlord to even check to see if I have mail. "Is there any mail for me today, Is there any mail for me today, Is there any mail for me today." You see my point. It is aggravating to have to continue to do this daily. I need access to my mail daily. Without having to wait to see if the landlord or his wife are home. I am waiting for two important letters. Now I don't know if they are here or not. The landlord's wife was not around today when I was and when I got home this evening, they were in bed. They go to bed at 9 pm nightly. Anyways, the mailbox was the best place for me to get my mail. I just don't have the minimum 3 months payment. $63.87 with tax. I will have to wait until I have some extra cash to pay for the mailbox again.
I made some calls to see if anything was going right towards my disability application. No answer, they just don't know anything. I have to wait. 2 to 3 months. I called the advocate to see about getting in to speak with her. Needed to leave a message.
I went for a few walks, as well. I can only walk a block or two before I need to sit and take a break.
Now what does one do when they have nothing. No transit fare. I can't leave the White Rock area unless I walk. Again, I can't walk that far. If I stay at home, I will fall asleep. I can only watch so much TV and be on the computer for so long, before I get bored or fall asleep. I need to get out and about. I need fresh air to survive. I can't even sleep without the window being open. Typing is now difficult for me. It hurts my arms to type. So I need to take breaks while typing. I can do 10 minutes without having to take a break.
The good of the day was going over to a friends place and we watched a movie. I didn't have dinner, he usually goes out to eat and really doesn't have manners. As in making a dinner for us both. So my dinner is now in the over. Did that while I was taking a break from typing. The movie was not to bad. A little sad, but enlightening.
I didn't even get back home until 11:15 pm. And got down on my knee's and prayed, as I usually do at that time of night. Yes every night I pray. I pray that I receive a financial miracle. So I can catch up on my rent and pay the rent for next month in full. I am behind. By about $600 dollars. I only get so much a month and can only raise so much each month. Again, the roommate moving out, put me in financial ruin. I look for a new place everyday. It is difficult when you have no funds for anything. I have seen several places cheaper than this place. Still just out of my reach, financially.
So I know all of the above, and am aware of what I can pay each month, for now.
Now the day was normal. I didn't have any bad moments. A little stressed out at times during the day. The pain was just that, pain. It is something I am accustomed too. So normal. Yes I hurt more now, because of this accident, but it is still just pain.
No anxiety attacks today. A good thing.
And if you want to know. I never stop thinking about my mother. But now I don't usually burst into tears when thinking about mom. I still can't talk about her without chocking up and tearing. So I try to avoid this. Yet I can't. I want to but can't. Difficult isn't it.
I realize that there are not allot of people who have gone through what I have needed to deal with over the last 16 years. So people just don't understand what I am going through.
There is only one person left as part of what I consider family. And the cousins moved her and I don't know where they moved her to and they won;t tell me. Isn't that shitty. I think so. This was mom's friend, my great aunt. Who I got along with, who I could talk with. But this is the way my family is. As you know. I am the bad one and I shouldn't speak to my own great aunt.
Really shitty! Shame on them for being like this.
I just want to visit her, bring fresh fruit and snacks to her, and talk about mom. Share some stories.etc,....
There is this women back east that I written about. I finished a letter to her. I just have to write it out. I believe a hand written letter is the way to go for a re introduction. Of sorts.
My thoughts for the day. My actions for the day. What happened to me for the day.
As I stated, Normal. For what normal is according to what my life is like.
Not bad, but not great. I did enjoy visiting my friend and watching a movie.
It is hard to walk around with absolutely no cash at hand.
It is time I eat something
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
My needs are many, my wants are small
Well today was as stated normal. It was not bad, nothing bad happened, It was OK, During the day nothing exciting happened. I just went to sources and applied for a few more jobs. I checked for mail at my mailbox, for the last time, I will going there tomorrow and turning in the keys. This is not a good thing. The only place where I know my mail was safe and I had access to it 24/7. Unlike where I live, I need to knock on the door of the landlord to even check to see if I have mail. "Is there any mail for me today, Is there any mail for me today, Is there any mail for me today." You see my point. It is aggravating to have to continue to do this daily. I need access to my mail daily. Without having to wait to see if the landlord or his wife are home. I am waiting for two important letters. Now I don't know if they are here or not. The landlord's wife was not around today when I was and when I got home this evening, they were in bed. They go to bed at 9 pm nightly. Anyways, the mailbox was the best place for me to get my mail. I just don't have the minimum 3 months payment. $63.87 with tax. I will have to wait until I have some extra cash to pay for the mailbox again.
I made some calls to see if anything was going right towards my disability application. No answer, they just don't know anything. I have to wait. 2 to 3 months. I called the advocate to see about getting in to speak with her. Needed to leave a message.
I went for a few walks, as well. I can only walk a block or two before I need to sit and take a break.
Now what does one do when they have nothing. No transit fare. I can't leave the White Rock area unless I walk. Again, I can't walk that far. If I stay at home, I will fall asleep. I can only watch so much TV and be on the computer for so long, before I get bored or fall asleep. I need to get out and about. I need fresh air to survive. I can't even sleep without the window being open. Typing is now difficult for me. It hurts my arms to type. So I need to take breaks while typing. I can do 10 minutes without having to take a break.
The good of the day was going over to a friends place and we watched a movie. I didn't have dinner, he usually goes out to eat and really doesn't have manners. As in making a dinner for us both. So my dinner is now in the over. Did that while I was taking a break from typing. The movie was not to bad. A little sad, but enlightening.
I didn't even get back home until 11:15 pm. And got down on my knee's and prayed, as I usually do at that time of night. Yes every night I pray. I pray that I receive a financial miracle. So I can catch up on my rent and pay the rent for next month in full. I am behind. By about $600 dollars. I only get so much a month and can only raise so much each month. Again, the roommate moving out, put me in financial ruin. I look for a new place everyday. It is difficult when you have no funds for anything. I have seen several places cheaper than this place. Still just out of my reach, financially.
So I know all of the above, and am aware of what I can pay each month, for now.
Now the day was normal. I didn't have any bad moments. A little stressed out at times during the day. The pain was just that, pain. It is something I am accustomed too. So normal. Yes I hurt more now, because of this accident, but it is still just pain.
No anxiety attacks today. A good thing.
And if you want to know. I never stop thinking about my mother. But now I don't usually burst into tears when thinking about mom. I still can't talk about her without chocking up and tearing. So I try to avoid this. Yet I can't. I want to but can't. Difficult isn't it.
I realize that there are not allot of people who have gone through what I have needed to deal with over the last 16 years. So people just don't understand what I am going through.
There is only one person left as part of what I consider family. And the cousins moved her and I don't know where they moved her to and they won;t tell me. Isn't that shitty. I think so. This was mom's friend, my great aunt. Who I got along with, who I could talk with. But this is the way my family is. As you know. I am the bad one and I shouldn't speak to my own great aunt.
Really shitty! Shame on them for being like this.
I just want to visit her, bring fresh fruit and snacks to her, and talk about mom. Share some stories.etc,....
There is this women back east that I written about. I finished a letter to her. I just have to write it out. I believe a hand written letter is the way to go for a re introduction. Of sorts.
My thoughts for the day. My actions for the day. What happened to me for the day.
As I stated, Normal. For what normal is according to what my life is like.
Not bad, but not great. I did enjoy visiting my friend and watching a movie.
It is hard to walk around with absolutely no cash at hand.
It is time I eat something
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
My needs are many, my wants are small
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Worry and stress
Hello again
OK I am the first person to admit when I am wrong about something. I do it without reservations. So I was wrong about the church not assisting me. They did help me out with some of my bills. I do very much appreciate it. And I didn't even think they would help. I try to be positive, but when it comes to my life I have a tendency to view it in a negative way. This is how I have viewed my life for many years now.
I have been in more accidents than any five people combined, in my life. I don't have just one disease, but three major diseases. And associated disorders that go along with having trauma in one's life. Depression, Anxiety, OCD, extreme stress, insomnia, I need to walk with a cane. And damn it, I was just starting to not use the cane all the time, but this last accident has caused me to have to use the cane all the time again. Even within my own home. Not fun
So here I sit, with nothing to do through my days. I do still apply for work each day,. I walk down to the resource centre. I need to stop many, many times and take a break from walking. Still, if I do get a call for an interview, I don't have the means, this month, to get there and back. Isn't that just grand.
I really need to get out of White Rock for a day here and a day there. Even if I have no money for anything while out and about. As long as I have bus fare, I can bring snacks with me, a drink, tea and water. So all I need is to have bus fare and I can deal with my boredom. Which, in White Rock, is hard to deal with. Nothing to do in this town. The town shuts down at 7 pm, even earlier on the weekends.
So being lonely is very difficult for me. As I have said many times, I can deal with being alone, but being lonely is different.
Last night I could just not write, I was in to much pain. No sleep. I am very tired and hungry. I still need to solve my rent situation.
But my biggest worry is that I will not be able to give my mother a service for her one year anniversary. It is upsetting me, since mom never did get the service she deserved. A memorial service. I am angry at my sister's for canceling the original service and not being responsible enough to even suggest we do this together. Very selfish individuals. They want mom's money but are not willing to part with a bit of it to give their mother something that should of been done just after her passing.
And since we all went to the lawyer and signed all the forms for the will and probate, I haven't heard from them. Of course this was going to happen. Their greed is going to get them. I believe in a GOD of justice. Revenge is my saith the Lord.
I need to go and eat, Plus try to sleep.
|GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
OK I am the first person to admit when I am wrong about something. I do it without reservations. So I was wrong about the church not assisting me. They did help me out with some of my bills. I do very much appreciate it. And I didn't even think they would help. I try to be positive, but when it comes to my life I have a tendency to view it in a negative way. This is how I have viewed my life for many years now.
I have been in more accidents than any five people combined, in my life. I don't have just one disease, but three major diseases. And associated disorders that go along with having trauma in one's life. Depression, Anxiety, OCD, extreme stress, insomnia, I need to walk with a cane. And damn it, I was just starting to not use the cane all the time, but this last accident has caused me to have to use the cane all the time again. Even within my own home. Not fun
So here I sit, with nothing to do through my days. I do still apply for work each day,. I walk down to the resource centre. I need to stop many, many times and take a break from walking. Still, if I do get a call for an interview, I don't have the means, this month, to get there and back. Isn't that just grand.
I really need to get out of White Rock for a day here and a day there. Even if I have no money for anything while out and about. As long as I have bus fare, I can bring snacks with me, a drink, tea and water. So all I need is to have bus fare and I can deal with my boredom. Which, in White Rock, is hard to deal with. Nothing to do in this town. The town shuts down at 7 pm, even earlier on the weekends.
So being lonely is very difficult for me. As I have said many times, I can deal with being alone, but being lonely is different.
Last night I could just not write, I was in to much pain. No sleep. I am very tired and hungry. I still need to solve my rent situation.
But my biggest worry is that I will not be able to give my mother a service for her one year anniversary. It is upsetting me, since mom never did get the service she deserved. A memorial service. I am angry at my sister's for canceling the original service and not being responsible enough to even suggest we do this together. Very selfish individuals. They want mom's money but are not willing to part with a bit of it to give their mother something that should of been done just after her passing.
And since we all went to the lawyer and signed all the forms for the will and probate, I haven't heard from them. Of course this was going to happen. Their greed is going to get them. I believe in a GOD of justice. Revenge is my saith the Lord.
I need to go and eat, Plus try to sleep.
|GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Everything is starting to implode
Hello again
Well so far I have not heard anything from anyone about what is going on. I have phoned, asked,wrote and still nothing.
My cable and Internet will be cut off by the weeks end. So I will need to go to the library to write this. If I can get on one of the computers. But I will try. OK maybe I am just being to hasty about things going wrong. This is usually the case so I am acting the way I normally would act in these cases. Negatively.
When in doubt act the way I always do. This should be something I need work on. Guess what I am trying to work on this. I have been going to church again for the last several months. I am getting involved in another program to be able to speak on these issues. I am starting a program this week called Rooted, put on by the church. I have to speak to a pastor tomorrow afternoon about starting on Wednesday night
I have an appointment with a counselor at the Parkinson's society in Vancouver this month. No bus pass to get me there and back. Anther problem I face, No funds on my compass card to be able to take the transit. I need to got to Vancouver General Hospital emergency, better doctors and care, for my transit accident. I need to get to the New Westminster Court House to file a small claims petition against........., That is just this month. I can't go anywhere, at all. Again, no funds on the compass card ( Bus card) I don't see the point in applying for jobs, no way to get to interviews, but I continue to apply anyways. I am becoming extremely bored and restless. I just can't sit around. It is not in my nature to just sit. All I will do is sleep, being bored. I will not even have TV to watch at the end of this week.
I have been throwing everything, money wise, at rent, since my roommate moved out. I can't keep up. So everything else goes unpaid. The only thing that I have been paying, besides rent, is my phone bill. Need a phone.
I have even wrote a prayer line, seeking prayers for my situation.
I am not sleeping, don't want to sleep all day. I get up, shower and eat a little something. Then what. I can only walk so much, otherwise I develop extreme pain in my legs, neck and back. And all I can do then is just lay down. And there is really nothing to do in White Rock. I can't even get to the beach, I can walk down to the beach, then I need to take the bus up the hill. Can't walk it. So that is out of the question.
Nobody to visit out here. No friends and no one wants to make friends with someone that is poor as I am. Except other poor people. But I am rent poor now. And if I don't get something going right away I will be evicted.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmualand
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Well so far I have not heard anything from anyone about what is going on. I have phoned, asked,wrote and still nothing.
My cable and Internet will be cut off by the weeks end. So I will need to go to the library to write this. If I can get on one of the computers. But I will try. OK maybe I am just being to hasty about things going wrong. This is usually the case so I am acting the way I normally would act in these cases. Negatively.
When in doubt act the way I always do. This should be something I need work on. Guess what I am trying to work on this. I have been going to church again for the last several months. I am getting involved in another program to be able to speak on these issues. I am starting a program this week called Rooted, put on by the church. I have to speak to a pastor tomorrow afternoon about starting on Wednesday night
I have an appointment with a counselor at the Parkinson's society in Vancouver this month. No bus pass to get me there and back. Anther problem I face, No funds on my compass card to be able to take the transit. I need to got to Vancouver General Hospital emergency, better doctors and care, for my transit accident. I need to get to the New Westminster Court House to file a small claims petition against........., That is just this month. I can't go anywhere, at all. Again, no funds on the compass card ( Bus card) I don't see the point in applying for jobs, no way to get to interviews, but I continue to apply anyways. I am becoming extremely bored and restless. I just can't sit around. It is not in my nature to just sit. All I will do is sleep, being bored. I will not even have TV to watch at the end of this week.
I have been throwing everything, money wise, at rent, since my roommate moved out. I can't keep up. So everything else goes unpaid. The only thing that I have been paying, besides rent, is my phone bill. Need a phone.
I have even wrote a prayer line, seeking prayers for my situation.
I am not sleeping, don't want to sleep all day. I get up, shower and eat a little something. Then what. I can only walk so much, otherwise I develop extreme pain in my legs, neck and back. And all I can do then is just lay down. And there is really nothing to do in White Rock. I can't even get to the beach, I can walk down to the beach, then I need to take the bus up the hill. Can't walk it. So that is out of the question.
Nobody to visit out here. No friends and no one wants to make friends with someone that is poor as I am. Except other poor people. But I am rent poor now. And if I don't get something going right away I will be evicted.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmualand
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Sunday, January 8, 2017
I am just without knowing what the blank is going to happen....
Hello again
I could write last night as I needed to write something else and by the time I was finished writing this, I was in to much pain. So here I am.
I went to church this morning and it was good. I still have not heard if the church is going to help me out with anything. I do hope so. I have many places to go this month and I don't have bus fare. This is where my bus pass comes in handy. And I did ask for help from the church with this. I am so tired of just sitting. I can only walk so much before I start to hurt. I need to go to the hospital in Vancouver for better care. Not great out here.
I hope I hear from the church with a positive answer tomorrow. Please GOD let it be so. I really need to get to these places this month.
That is what I did today. Except go for a few little walks. That was my day. Exciting life I have isn't it. NOT. My arms are very sore, my neck and back. Just getting up and down at church hurt my knee's and back. But I got up and sang.
Now I sit, not doing anything. I do believe that by the end of the week my internet will be cut off. So I will try to get as many days as I can in before this happens. I just have to go to the library. But they are only open so late. I have been throwing everything I have at my rent and it is still not enough. So no money left for bills. Not even my house insurance.
So I have no idea what I am going to do. I need the internet for other's to get a hold of me. OK I have my phone. Not good enough.
Well I have to bring the keys back to my mail box this week.
I have to go now. Just stressed out and angry that nothing is happening. I am trying. Really I am.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland
I could write last night as I needed to write something else and by the time I was finished writing this, I was in to much pain. So here I am.
I went to church this morning and it was good. I still have not heard if the church is going to help me out with anything. I do hope so. I have many places to go this month and I don't have bus fare. This is where my bus pass comes in handy. And I did ask for help from the church with this. I am so tired of just sitting. I can only walk so much before I start to hurt. I need to go to the hospital in Vancouver for better care. Not great out here.
I hope I hear from the church with a positive answer tomorrow. Please GOD let it be so. I really need to get to these places this month.
That is what I did today. Except go for a few little walks. That was my day. Exciting life I have isn't it. NOT. My arms are very sore, my neck and back. Just getting up and down at church hurt my knee's and back. But I got up and sang.
Now I sit, not doing anything. I do believe that by the end of the week my internet will be cut off. So I will try to get as many days as I can in before this happens. I just have to go to the library. But they are only open so late. I have been throwing everything I have at my rent and it is still not enough. So no money left for bills. Not even my house insurance.
So I have no idea what I am going to do. I need the internet for other's to get a hold of me. OK I have my phone. Not good enough.
Well I have to bring the keys back to my mail box this week.
I have to go now. Just stressed out and angry that nothing is happening. I am trying. Really I am.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland
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