Yes it is true, but not...............

Hello again

Yes I did write I want to die, it is true. I am not dealing well with anything. Nothing is happening that shows that my life is going anywhere. I am stuck and I don't like any of it. I just would like some kind of sign that something is happening in my life.

I am in a situation that is not going to work well, at all. As soon as I walked in the door this evening, I was asked to do this and to do that. You only have to do two things for me. Yea right, the two things turned into 6, before I stopped it in it's tracks. And the evening isn't over yet. She is already telling me to do this and that tomorrow. I just walked in the door. And  it has been one thing after another.

After I write this I will be speaking with her about things, how things are going to work.

And today, nothing happened. No response from any of the places I applied. Haven't even time to search Craigslist for places.

Things I need to do for myself. I want to set up a home office, so I can get organized. Not here it would never happen. I would be constantly interrupted. Can you do me a favor, This is the line that is used.

I am not even sleeping lately. I am so stressed out I really can't take it anymore. I just want to run. And just disappear.

I have so much wrong with me and it is just getting worse. No I don't have any heart problems, but it is nerve problems in my elbow and shoulder

I have my driving test coming up in a few weeks and I am stressed about that. Yes I have driven for many years, but it has been 10 years since I have driven on a regular basis. And I want to have a service for mom. I need a suite for that. A dark suite. People are saying you don't need a suite. Yes I do to show respect for my mother.

I will do this as I took care of my mother. For her. My life is her life. And I will always think that.

So I am done.  I need some real help.

My family thinks I am a user. Well which one of them was looking after mom everyday, which one of them came to visit mom,  The only ones where my sister's and they only came every other month, for 15 minutes and never held her hand. Mom told me, even though she didn't speak, I read her very well as I am able to read everyone.

So I am a user, You are loosers.

Good bye

 . .

I am not dealing well, at all

Hello again

So now two people have moved out and the only one who is left is the women in the wheelchair. I know she will be expecting me to do everything for her.

I have to look after myself, I am not well. My blood sugar was 15, well above the 3-9 that it should be. I was given another medication to take and the one I have has been up to three times a day. I have the cancer scare going on. And I have to go to a Rheumatologist very soon. Plus everything else

I need a place to live, I am not dealing with my own stuff, let alone, her wanting me to deal with her stuff. Not going to happen. She has to have someone come in and help her with everything.

I am so sad lately, I am not coping well with anything. I am tearing up quickly and it is anywhere that this happens. I was with a friend and I needed to cut the visit short. I just didn't want to be around anyone.


I am trying to make my dinner, I need to take my medication. It is not stopping.

Nothing is right. I keep phoning for places and it is sorry but it is taken. Each day this is happening.

I am running on empty now.

Nothing left

But good bye.

Kris Schmuland

I want to die

Hello again

I just can't live like this anymore. I can't deal with it or want to deal with it. I have so much to do and I just can't get a hold of it. I am not well I have a million things wrong with me. Now this colon cancer scare, the diabetes, not being able to afford the one thing I really need, the glucose testing machine and strips. Not covered by my medical. But a cane is covered.

I am not wanting to be around anymore. I have nobody to actually count on for comfort or compassion. NOBODY.

When one says, as I do, they are alone. It is true. I may go out and about, but do you think I am having conversations with anyone. NO I AM NOT. I am in Vancouver by myself, doing nothing by myself.

When I look at things. OK I may be allot of things, but a user(as my cousin and family think I am) I am not. I am just someone who doesn't take bullshit from anyone. I read peoples crap and I won't deal with it. I will tell them straight up what they are like.

Yes that does tend to make people withdraw from me. If you can't take the truth, then don't BS me.

I can afford to live on my own, but can't find a place. Sure if I want to live in Surrey, And Surrey has a bad reputation for a reason. I don't want to be part of that. In White Rock I can go and walk around late at night. In Surrey, I would be shot or mugged, if I was to walk around late at night.

Do I really want that. Sure if I want to die now. Which I do.

I don't want to be around here anymore. I can't live in the present anymore.

I am done!

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W.A. Schmuland

I am going to give mom and service and then I just don't know.

I wish, I wish and I wish for something to happen that makes me believe in GOD again. Otherwise I just can't.

In my life there has only been three people I loved. My father, my beautiful mother who I loved unconditionally with all my heart. I would take care of her all over again, without reservation. And this one women, who is back east now and it has been over 10 since I spoke with her last. There is no one else.

Am I just wishing

Hello again

So I was out with friends today, most of the afternoon and evening. I was OK at first, but as the day progressed I was becoming more and more uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, it is not my friends, it is me. I am the one who has the problem. I just don't want to be around people. The stress of not finding a place, nothing seeming to be working and just having anxiety issues. That is what is was; today. Starting to sweat, heart palpitations and anxiety. Wanting out and to just be alone. It is difficult to do this when one has to take a bus from Vancouver with a friend.

These feelings are becoming more and more frequent. Once a week, twice a week. I know it has to do with my mother's passing and myself feeling alone. But it is not friends I want to be around. It is my mother.

No matter what the problem I had, how bad I felt;I knew I could hold mom's hand and by the time I left at night I felt allot better. Just holding her hand. I don't have this anymore. Yes one might think this is weird, yet you never spend 5 or more hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year for over 12 years taking care of someone. A loved one. And over 7 years of someone wanting to hold your hand. Actually, mom needed to hold my hand. To know she was loved. That I was there, that I was not going anywhere.

It is very difficult for me now. I just don't know anymore about anything anymore. I wake up in the morning knowing I have things to do, but not getting much done. I do get somethings done. But very little.

I am trying and trying. Yet it seems I am getting know where. I need a steady place to live, that I can come home to and just relax. A clean safe environment.

So, again, I need help. Yes I am short 800. to get mom the service she deserves

https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk

If only you please. I am trying to have the service at the end of August.

6 months yesterday. And I could not sleep last night and I am extremely tired today.

So I end early.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

OK right

Hello again

I went to the fireworks in Vancouver last night  I walked to much and today my right leg is just inflamed and it hurts like crazy. Just another thing to add to the list. Never really thought that I would have this much problem with my leg. I guess I was wrong. I could barely walk today while downtown. It hurt so very much. That made my trip into town, to just get away and be by myself,  very short. I was to go meet someone at the parade in White Rock, but I needed to call my friend and cancel.

I needed to get away. I need to get away. I sat for a minute and before I knew it, I was tearing up. OK I was starting to cry.

Today is 6 months since mom passed away and there is still no memorial service for her. I am such a looser for not getting this done. I know no one else will do this for mom. Just like no one else was there to take care of my mother.

So I will just do it myself. I will call tomorrow and get a price for a service for mom and find out dates that are available . Then I will let everyone know. I will be polite and ask what days they are available for this to happen. Then just start getting it together . I will find the funds to do this. Somehow.

Tonight I am just wanting to be somewhere else, anywhere else but here. This is really wearing on me. Time to really get something together.

I have so much to do. The police still have not responded to me, there is no sign that the missing parts are going to be returned, anytime soon. So off to the Fraser Health head office and file a complaint with them, call the newspapers and get this happening.

I still don't know about my living environment, what is going on with this. I need a place.

I would move to somewhere in the middle of now where. I just need the money to do that and I would in a heart beat. A small town, with a house beside a lake. Just me and mom's ashes.

I need to also speak with a lawyer about a wrongful death suit against Al Hogg I guess it would be Fraser Health. Another thing that I need to do before time runs out. I guess one only has a certain amount of time to file a law suite.

I am just not doing well and I need to talk to someone about all of this. But I know no one to do this with. Can't afford a counselor, no counselors to speak with that are pro rated. And being summer, there  is not much for services available to anyone. OK for me and anyone in my situation.

Help is what I need. Not financial. Just someone. I guess because all my family thinks I am a user, I won't be getting any assistance or comfort from and of them.

Or anybody I know. No one gets it. I see the grief counselor Tuesday, Maybe then.

I need to go now I am just not well

GOD and good night

Kristopher Schmuland