Hello again
I spoke with my grief counselor and he mentioned to me about celebrating achievements. As in getting my drivers license back. It is just another piece of picture ID. Big deal, or finding a place. It is not my own place though. Almost. So what.
I am a middle age man who has nothing. No wife,no children, no home. I don't even have life insurance or home insurance, as a real man would have. Yes I am saying I am less of a man because of this. Nothing.
Looking after my mother was the best thing I have ever done in my life. I am not complaining about it. I am just saying that was the best thing I have ever done. It was a gift and a pleasure. Nothing will and has ever compared to doing this. NOTHING
Everything is because of my mother's passing. Nothing more nothing less. I would rather have mom around than anything.
I need to plan a memorial service for mom and I need someone to assist me in the planning. I can pay for the service and the photo cards, but not the reception. So I have to get all that together. I have never done anything like this before. A video montage, memorial table, video of the service. Putting that all together afterwards. Plus the arrangement of the reception.Food, drinks etc....... I don't even know where to rent a Coffee urn.
Anyways. My depression is worsening. Especially after the counselor brought up celebrating. As I said I have nothing to celebrate. I don't even know if I am actually happy. What is happy. What is joy, I know pain, I know suffering. I know what it is like to be in multiple car accidents and being hurt. I know what it is like to be in pain all day, everyday.
I will continue to just try to be, whatever.
I don't want to be here, I just want to run away. Or something. Anything but what I am feeling.
Please pray for my soul
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I don't even have anyone to help me move. Sure I will get the Uhaul, But I only have a few friends and they won't help. Or not able to help. We will see what happens the rest of the month.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Sunday, September 4, 2016
I am thinking.................
Hello again
Well it is the weekend and it is just getting worse. All the crap. I really just can't wait until I move. Not for a few weeks anyways.
So my mood has been up and down. I have been out with friends, but I still would rather be alone. It seems better that way. Yet we are not made to be alone and isolated from everyone. It is my depression getting the best of me. I am seeing the counselors, and to a point, it is working. My grief counselor appointments are coming to an end. Then what. The other counselor I am seeing is not for grief. But I did get a number from the funeral home, for counseling, and it is free for a year. I did mention this, I think. I just have to pick up the phone and make that call. Simple isn't it. It seems that it is. But not...... It is over the phone and each time I call I might not get the same counselor. I guess I will see once I pick up that phone.
I appreciate my friends. They are all I have. They also seem to like me. They call me, make plans with me. It is very difficult though. I am so use to being alone, I am having a hard time connecting properly. I am trying..
When I close my eye's, I see myself looking after my mother. I still leave the house and want to walk straight down to the home. When oh when will this stop.
Now it has been since May that I called the police, concerning mom's wheelchair. Nothing has been done about it. The officer is not even getting in touch with me to tell me what is going on. I guess it is time to go to the head office and to call the news papers, TV stations etc... W5 maybe.
Someone has to be able to help me with this. The chair was whole when I left it and now it is missing $3000 worth of parts.
I also need to write this lawyer, here in White Rock, and tell them my story. To see if I can get a wrongful death suit going. As long as it doesn't cost me any money. As I don't have it for that. Or anything else for that matter.
It is a very hard life I live. I can't afford to eat the way my doctor and the diabetes clinic wants me to eat. 3 times a day. And healthy snacks in between. I can only afford to eat once a day and barely at that. I need to eat to take my diabetes medicine. Not a good time to find out I have this. No help from anyone. I just get the typical " I understand or that is to bad"
Well I need yours prayers I need GOD for guidance
. GOD bless and good night
Kris
Well it is the weekend and it is just getting worse. All the crap. I really just can't wait until I move. Not for a few weeks anyways.
So my mood has been up and down. I have been out with friends, but I still would rather be alone. It seems better that way. Yet we are not made to be alone and isolated from everyone. It is my depression getting the best of me. I am seeing the counselors, and to a point, it is working. My grief counselor appointments are coming to an end. Then what. The other counselor I am seeing is not for grief. But I did get a number from the funeral home, for counseling, and it is free for a year. I did mention this, I think. I just have to pick up the phone and make that call. Simple isn't it. It seems that it is. But not...... It is over the phone and each time I call I might not get the same counselor. I guess I will see once I pick up that phone.
I appreciate my friends. They are all I have. They also seem to like me. They call me, make plans with me. It is very difficult though. I am so use to being alone, I am having a hard time connecting properly. I am trying..
When I close my eye's, I see myself looking after my mother. I still leave the house and want to walk straight down to the home. When oh when will this stop.
Now it has been since May that I called the police, concerning mom's wheelchair. Nothing has been done about it. The officer is not even getting in touch with me to tell me what is going on. I guess it is time to go to the head office and to call the news papers, TV stations etc... W5 maybe.
Someone has to be able to help me with this. The chair was whole when I left it and now it is missing $3000 worth of parts.
I also need to write this lawyer, here in White Rock, and tell them my story. To see if I can get a wrongful death suit going. As long as it doesn't cost me any money. As I don't have it for that. Or anything else for that matter.
It is a very hard life I live. I can't afford to eat the way my doctor and the diabetes clinic wants me to eat. 3 times a day. And healthy snacks in between. I can only afford to eat once a day and barely at that. I need to eat to take my diabetes medicine. Not a good time to find out I have this. No help from anyone. I just get the typical " I understand or that is to bad"
Well I need yours prayers I need GOD for guidance
. GOD bless and good night
Kris
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