Hello again
This time of the year use to be exciting for me. I would start to bring the Christmas decorations to mom's. Getting the room all wonderful. Searching the stores for more and different items to add to mom's Christmas decorations. Each year I would add more and change things up, so it does not look like it did the year before.
I would carry everything by bus, out to White Rock,from Coquitlam.. A three hours bus ride. It was very exciting for me to do this. I felt the Christmas magic. It was in my heart for my mother. To do these things for her.
My place had nothing. No decorations. Why! I was never there, except to eat and sleep. Then off to mom's for the day. Everyday.
Mom would help as much as she could. I would get her to hold things while I put them up. Mom was right there the whole time, while I was decorating. I would move her wheelchair around so she could help. Mom would hand me things. Try to do as much as she could.
I saw the frustration on her face as we did this. Wishing she could do more. I always said to her. Mom don't worry, you are doing the best you can and you are helping me. I do appreciate it. She would smile and laugh. I know mom was completely interested in helping to decorate her room. I would ask what she liked and if this is a good place to put this decoration. Would you like Blue lights or Red lights this year. Mom would point to the lights she wanted up that year. I asked what colour decorations she wanted. Pointing to the one's she wanted up.
I made sure,while decorated, that mom was completely involved in the process. What she wanted and didn't want.
The staff were always surprised by the fact that mom was making the decisions. That she was taking an active part in the decoration process. Not just sitting and watching. But being involved.
When putting things up, I was always asking mom where she wanted things.... This side of the wall, over the bed, on the dresser, on the closet. Hanging on the door. etc........Always had mom making decisions.
Each time I brought more decorations, this was a month long process of bring decorations out to White Rock, I just couldn't bring everything at once, mom was the one I went to for how to decorate her room. There were, and still are, boxes and boxes of decorations. Plus whatever I would be stopping and getting on my way.
Every time I would bring more decorations out, I would ask her if she wanted to listen to Christmas music. And the answer was always yes. You see mom could make decisions on her own. One would only have to ask Mary and she would tell you. So she couldn't speak what she wanted. Mary, mom could still tell you and let you know.
I made a Christmas SD card full of wonderful, jazzy Christmas music. Not the typical Christmas music. But beautiful and soulful, soft magical sounds.
Oh we had so much fun decorating her room. A two month process, A little each day and her room started to come alive with the beauty and magic of Christmas. Fake snow around her window and as many other places I could put it.
Mom shared her room. There were no single rooms. OK there were 4 single rooms and a huge waiting list. So mom had to share. Now I would always ask the daughter of the other person living in my mother's room, if I could decorate some of there side. Around the windows etc... Just so the room, the whole room, looked nice.So the other resident would and could feel like she was included in the holiday magic. The daughter always agreed. So mom and I set forth to complete the room.
Decorations hanging from the ceiling, all over the walls, around the windows, on the windows. A wonderful little Christmas theme on the windowsill that would flow with the rest of the decorations around the room. Decorations above mom's bed, around her bed.
I have many stuffed Christmas characters to place around the room.On moms shelves. I have reindeer, a large stuffed Santa Claus, I have elf's of different sizes. Snowman, Smaller Santa characters that I place on the windowsill. Pictures of different Christmas themes. Bells and holly Holly for around the edge of the back wall, behind her bed. A wreath for her door. The list goes on and on.
Mom and I would sing Christmas carols while we did all of this.And mom would sing. Sing like she use to sing. Of course the words would not always come out, but mom still sang. The staff were always coming down to see what was next, going up. Waiting for the las item, to go up. The Christmas tree.
The Christmas tree was always the last thing we put up. Mom was helping me put up the lights. You see I made sure the tree was at the height of her wheelchair, so mom could hand me the lights as they go up, To be involved with everything. We always put up different colour lights each year,different ornaments to go with the lights. Sometimes blue and white ornaments. Sometimes Silver and Gold Sometimes Red and White. Or a combination of them all. It all depended on the lights we were using. Mom was the one who choose the light theme each year. With her help we did this.
But that little tree would shine with Christmas magic. Her room would glow with the excitement of the season. Everyone would come by to see the magic. They looked and always left with a huge smile on their face. A glow of the wonder, that is the Christmas spirit. Mom would see it and I would see mom looking at their faces and just smile. A big smile of happiness. That mom was able to see the faces of those who stopped by. It wasn't just the staff who came by, Residents and their families would come by. People from other flours stopped in to experience the magic that was emanating from her room. It was a glorious experience for mom.
The Christmas Magic that made mom so very happy.
GOD bless and goodnight
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofunfme.com/krisschmuland To help give my mother a wonderful send off. A memorial service fitting for a beautiful mother.
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Thursday, November 10, 2016
What a day
Hello again
It started out to be an OK day. I was really tired. Lack of sleep. I had an interview today, plus one on Monday. I went to the interview and it was going great. She asked about my graphic work, as well as other computer skills I have. She was enjoying our conversation. When I arrived, she made me a tea. You see it was for a tea place. A warehouse. Where they mix tea . I applied for the job as I wanted to know more about tea. Since I only drink tea.
Well everything was going fine, until I started speaking normally. You see, I speak a certain way, to avoid people seeing that I am missing half my bottom teeth. I just started talking. All of a sudden, she tells me that she has to end the interview now, I have allot to do. You are the first person I interviewed. I will get back to you. Have a good day. I had not even finished my tea.
There goes that job, Again because of my missing teeth. I came back to White Rock and went to the denturist again, and asked how long would it take. We spoke about the price before. That is why I set up a campaign to get help to get dentures. I am covered to have the impacted teeth removed. But not for dentures. It would be two weeks before I could get them. I do have the teeth I have now. And they can't add teeth to my bottom dentures. To old.
Piss me off. Another job gone.
I need to work. I am going on interviews. I am applying for jobs. And I applied for more, when I returned to White Rock. After I went to the denturist.
Now tonight I went to an AA meeting. I know I do not belong there. I need to go to church. Not AA. Yes I was a drunk and a pot head. I do not drink and I do not smoke pot. Plain and simple.Nothing else.
Now I sit alone and write this .I am lonely. Not having anyone to call to speak with. Just myself. You see why I went to an AA meeting. To talk to someone. Didn't happen. I should of just got on the bus and went for a bus ride. I most likely would of spoken to someone.
It is very difficult for me. This year has been hard. I am doing everything I can. I am flat broke. Excuse me. $1.06 to my name, No idea where anything is going to come from. But I have a bus pass. So I don't have to sit home. Home for now! I need to start something right away. I have serious medical issues, but I will just have to ignore them. Deal with the pain. I have nowhere to move to.
And the worse time of the year. I watch Christmas movies and try to find the magic. But it just isn't happening. The Christmas magic came from me doing everything for my mother, to make her Christmas great.
I have never been alone for Christmas before in my life.I always had mom and dad. Now no one. The only person I had in my life,was my mother.
I wish that something good would happen. I am trying. I really am. But it seems no matter how hard I try, it is just getting worse off.
But I have a bus pass. Nothing else. And $1.06 won't get me very far.
Please, the only thing I really want is to give mom a memorial service. I don't care about anything else.
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
May GOD bless your days with wonders and peace
Kris
It started out to be an OK day. I was really tired. Lack of sleep. I had an interview today, plus one on Monday. I went to the interview and it was going great. She asked about my graphic work, as well as other computer skills I have. She was enjoying our conversation. When I arrived, she made me a tea. You see it was for a tea place. A warehouse. Where they mix tea . I applied for the job as I wanted to know more about tea. Since I only drink tea.
Well everything was going fine, until I started speaking normally. You see, I speak a certain way, to avoid people seeing that I am missing half my bottom teeth. I just started talking. All of a sudden, she tells me that she has to end the interview now, I have allot to do. You are the first person I interviewed. I will get back to you. Have a good day. I had not even finished my tea.
There goes that job, Again because of my missing teeth. I came back to White Rock and went to the denturist again, and asked how long would it take. We spoke about the price before. That is why I set up a campaign to get help to get dentures. I am covered to have the impacted teeth removed. But not for dentures. It would be two weeks before I could get them. I do have the teeth I have now. And they can't add teeth to my bottom dentures. To old.
Piss me off. Another job gone.
I need to work. I am going on interviews. I am applying for jobs. And I applied for more, when I returned to White Rock. After I went to the denturist.
Now tonight I went to an AA meeting. I know I do not belong there. I need to go to church. Not AA. Yes I was a drunk and a pot head. I do not drink and I do not smoke pot. Plain and simple.Nothing else.
Now I sit alone and write this .I am lonely. Not having anyone to call to speak with. Just myself. You see why I went to an AA meeting. To talk to someone. Didn't happen. I should of just got on the bus and went for a bus ride. I most likely would of spoken to someone.
It is very difficult for me. This year has been hard. I am doing everything I can. I am flat broke. Excuse me. $1.06 to my name, No idea where anything is going to come from. But I have a bus pass. So I don't have to sit home. Home for now! I need to start something right away. I have serious medical issues, but I will just have to ignore them. Deal with the pain. I have nowhere to move to.
And the worse time of the year. I watch Christmas movies and try to find the magic. But it just isn't happening. The Christmas magic came from me doing everything for my mother, to make her Christmas great.
I have never been alone for Christmas before in my life.I always had mom and dad. Now no one. The only person I had in my life,was my mother.
I wish that something good would happen. I am trying. I really am. But it seems no matter how hard I try, it is just getting worse off.
But I have a bus pass. Nothing else. And $1.06 won't get me very far.
Please, the only thing I really want is to give mom a memorial service. I don't care about anything else.
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
May GOD bless your days with wonders and peace
Kris
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Helpless in life
Hello again
I come to you all a broken and desolate man Joyless, devoid of warmth,comfort and hope. Lifeless and dismal is my life as I know it............ A gloomy, glum, dreary existence. I am a very lonely individual who lives in a depressive life. Not wanting to even get up in the morning. Not wanting to even move.As it hurts.
Yet I do get up and try to do my best. But my best doesn't seem to be good enough for this life.
I am not even finished unpacking. I don't want to do it, because I think I am just going to have to pack it up again. As well as my depression is stopping me.
I am trying to get a job, I send out resume after resume and not even an interview. I need to work. Yes I said this before, there are others who are far worse off then I am. But I am the one living in this world who has nothing and no one.
I stand alone in this world, barren of life.
It is troublesome to me. I am a Christian, I read the bible everyday. I pray and pray. I am just not hearing GOD`s word.
A miracle is what I need. I prayed for this tonight. A miracle.
I just would like to get this life going, after the loss of my mother. Yes I still am grieving and I miss my mother. But I am ready to finally move forward.
This season, Christmas is upon us. And the miracle of Christmas is lost for me this year. It was decorating mom`s room and making her happy that brought the Christmas cheer on me. It made Christmas easier to deal with. I am not a big Christmas person. Haven`t celebrated Christmas for years. I only did it for mom and doing that made it better. I had hope and optimism for a better life. A better life for mom and myself. This year I am missing the key element, my mother. I have boxes of decorations and that is just where they are going to stay, in boxes.
I really would like to finish unpacking and feeling more at home. It seems everything is stopping me. I am the only one stopping me, It would be nice to decorate my home for Christmas. To do this for mom. To show her that I am not......
I would be already bringing decorations to mom`s. Getting it ready, getting new ideas how to make mom`s room better than the year before. This brought me great joy.
There are things I would like to do, I would like to go back to school, but I need the funds to take the programs I have tried to find funding. I am not eligible This gets me upset. Big time.
I do have moments through out my day, where I do smile and laugh. Especially when I stop and talk to someone.
People may think I am doing nothing to move forward. You are wrong. I am doing as much as I can. I am on the phone, I am on the computer. I am seeking, but not finding.
I need GOD to give me some direction. Some hope.
I need GOD to provide this miracle I need.
GOD bless you and your loved one`s
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
I have noticed one thing, that is I need teeth. New dentures. People look at me and say that isn't a bad looking man. Then they talk to me, I open up my mouth and speak back to them and they see that half my bottom teeth are missing. This puts everybody off.
All I have ever done is deal with people. It is difficult to do that successfully when you are missing half your bottom teeth. I look ugly. I see this when I look at myself in the mirror. I try to talk without moving my bottom lip. But it doesn't always work. So I don't get the job. I don't get the respect. I just look ugly, as soon as I open my mouth.
Maybe I should start a fund raising campaign to get dentures.
I come to you all a broken and desolate man Joyless, devoid of warmth,comfort and hope. Lifeless and dismal is my life as I know it............ A gloomy, glum, dreary existence. I am a very lonely individual who lives in a depressive life. Not wanting to even get up in the morning. Not wanting to even move.As it hurts.
Yet I do get up and try to do my best. But my best doesn't seem to be good enough for this life.
I am not even finished unpacking. I don't want to do it, because I think I am just going to have to pack it up again. As well as my depression is stopping me.
I am trying to get a job, I send out resume after resume and not even an interview. I need to work. Yes I said this before, there are others who are far worse off then I am. But I am the one living in this world who has nothing and no one.
I stand alone in this world, barren of life.
It is troublesome to me. I am a Christian, I read the bible everyday. I pray and pray. I am just not hearing GOD`s word.
A miracle is what I need. I prayed for this tonight. A miracle.
I just would like to get this life going, after the loss of my mother. Yes I still am grieving and I miss my mother. But I am ready to finally move forward.
This season, Christmas is upon us. And the miracle of Christmas is lost for me this year. It was decorating mom`s room and making her happy that brought the Christmas cheer on me. It made Christmas easier to deal with. I am not a big Christmas person. Haven`t celebrated Christmas for years. I only did it for mom and doing that made it better. I had hope and optimism for a better life. A better life for mom and myself. This year I am missing the key element, my mother. I have boxes of decorations and that is just where they are going to stay, in boxes.
I really would like to finish unpacking and feeling more at home. It seems everything is stopping me. I am the only one stopping me, It would be nice to decorate my home for Christmas. To do this for mom. To show her that I am not......
I would be already bringing decorations to mom`s. Getting it ready, getting new ideas how to make mom`s room better than the year before. This brought me great joy.
There are things I would like to do, I would like to go back to school, but I need the funds to take the programs I have tried to find funding. I am not eligible This gets me upset. Big time.
I do have moments through out my day, where I do smile and laugh. Especially when I stop and talk to someone.
People may think I am doing nothing to move forward. You are wrong. I am doing as much as I can. I am on the phone, I am on the computer. I am seeking, but not finding.
I need GOD to give me some direction. Some hope.
I need GOD to provide this miracle I need.
GOD bless you and your loved one`s
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
I have noticed one thing, that is I need teeth. New dentures. People look at me and say that isn't a bad looking man. Then they talk to me, I open up my mouth and speak back to them and they see that half my bottom teeth are missing. This puts everybody off.
All I have ever done is deal with people. It is difficult to do that successfully when you are missing half your bottom teeth. I look ugly. I see this when I look at myself in the mirror. I try to talk without moving my bottom lip. But it doesn't always work. So I don't get the job. I don't get the respect. I just look ugly, as soon as I open my mouth.
Maybe I should start a fund raising campaign to get dentures.
Sunday, November 6, 2016
A dark day
Hello again
Well it has been a very bleak time for me these last days, or even weeks. Still not sleeping well. A few hours a night. This is becoming a very big problem. If I can't sleep, it is hard for me to get up early. I can't fall asleep until 4 and I try to get up before 8 but usually sleep until 9 and I feel I am wasting the day. It takes a little bit for me to get going.
Getting going is tough. As I don't know where I am going. OK I know I am going to the resource office, to use the computers, printers etc.. As well as the staff.
This I will do tomorrow as I do daily. This is becoming my problem. I am sending off resumes daily and getting nothing. Again, I am not applying for the job of all jobs. Just to get working. That is all I want for now. I have plans and I know GOD has plans for me. If I don't give HIM time through out my day, how is HE going to work in my life.
Again I have skills and abilities that I have developed and have been given. I need to use these skills. NOW not next year or the year after. Everyone thinks just get a job and forget about what you think you should be doing. Well I am looking for A JOB. And the other will come after I am working.
I thought everything was going OK, I thought wrong. I thought I had it somewhat together. Getting a job when I needed it and for crying out loud, loosing it in the same breath. To old. Then everything just slowed right down. Not the number of resumes I sent out, Just no interviews.
I am not the only one who is in this situation. I am sure there are people worse off then me. I am just being vocal about it. Sure there are those who are homeless. I will be there if I don't find a job right away. There are those who don't have anything to eat, well I am getting there now.
But I am not in the worse situation, Yet!.
It is the time of year that I am readying the room for mom, starting to take down the fall decorations and bringing in her Christmas decoration. They sit in boxes now. I have no storage, so the boxes are visible to me everyday.. It is very difficult for me. I will not give away any of these decorations. It is the first Christmas that will be without mom. It was hard enough during her Birthday and Thanksgiving. Now it is the time of year that I made sure everything was just right for mom.... I made sure the tree was right, the walls were right and everything about Christmas was right for her. Thinking of new ways to make her room look better than the year before. As I have done each and every year.
I am missing my mother. She saw the room transforming to this beautiful season. I loved the smile on her face, with each new or old decoration that goes up. It was a shame that mom couldn't help, but she did her part by singing to the music, with that lovely smile on her face. Mom knew I was doing everything for her. Mom was my best friend. And she still is. I have not met anyone to replace the loss I am suffered. Mom knows this. Mom see's me here on this plain and what is going on.
Mom made Christmas magical for me, With each decoration I put up, I believed. But since her passing, the magic is fading away. I miss her magic..................................
I look at mom's photo's all the time and each time I cry. I don't care where is it I am. Mom was the best person I ever knew. Beautiful and smart. Kind and gentle. Loving and spiritual. The best person I ever knew. I am so glad I have some of her gifts.
This Christmas I don't even want to decorate. I don't know if I should or not. If I do it is for mom, not me. I don't want to even think about it. Yet it is in my face already. Every where I go decoration are going up.
Mom, I think would love it if I did this for her. I haven't even finished unpacking. As I think to myself. WHY! If I don't find a job, I won't have a place to live. Simple as that. No it really is simple as that.
I just don't want to disappoint mom, by getting kicked out of my home. I even have an add for a new roommate. I would prefer just to live by myself. IF I ONLY HAD A JOB
I don't know if GOD is seeing me though. I hope and ask for his help.
Please pray for mom's memorial service and for mom.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuand
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
Well it has been a very bleak time for me these last days, or even weeks. Still not sleeping well. A few hours a night. This is becoming a very big problem. If I can't sleep, it is hard for me to get up early. I can't fall asleep until 4 and I try to get up before 8 but usually sleep until 9 and I feel I am wasting the day. It takes a little bit for me to get going.
Getting going is tough. As I don't know where I am going. OK I know I am going to the resource office, to use the computers, printers etc.. As well as the staff.
This I will do tomorrow as I do daily. This is becoming my problem. I am sending off resumes daily and getting nothing. Again, I am not applying for the job of all jobs. Just to get working. That is all I want for now. I have plans and I know GOD has plans for me. If I don't give HIM time through out my day, how is HE going to work in my life.
Again I have skills and abilities that I have developed and have been given. I need to use these skills. NOW not next year or the year after. Everyone thinks just get a job and forget about what you think you should be doing. Well I am looking for A JOB. And the other will come after I am working.
I thought everything was going OK, I thought wrong. I thought I had it somewhat together. Getting a job when I needed it and for crying out loud, loosing it in the same breath. To old. Then everything just slowed right down. Not the number of resumes I sent out, Just no interviews.
I am not the only one who is in this situation. I am sure there are people worse off then me. I am just being vocal about it. Sure there are those who are homeless. I will be there if I don't find a job right away. There are those who don't have anything to eat, well I am getting there now.
But I am not in the worse situation, Yet!.
It is the time of year that I am readying the room for mom, starting to take down the fall decorations and bringing in her Christmas decoration. They sit in boxes now. I have no storage, so the boxes are visible to me everyday.. It is very difficult for me. I will not give away any of these decorations. It is the first Christmas that will be without mom. It was hard enough during her Birthday and Thanksgiving. Now it is the time of year that I made sure everything was just right for mom.... I made sure the tree was right, the walls were right and everything about Christmas was right for her. Thinking of new ways to make her room look better than the year before. As I have done each and every year.
I am missing my mother. She saw the room transforming to this beautiful season. I loved the smile on her face, with each new or old decoration that goes up. It was a shame that mom couldn't help, but she did her part by singing to the music, with that lovely smile on her face. Mom knew I was doing everything for her. Mom was my best friend. And she still is. I have not met anyone to replace the loss I am suffered. Mom knows this. Mom see's me here on this plain and what is going on.
Mom made Christmas magical for me, With each decoration I put up, I believed. But since her passing, the magic is fading away. I miss her magic..................................
I look at mom's photo's all the time and each time I cry. I don't care where is it I am. Mom was the best person I ever knew. Beautiful and smart. Kind and gentle. Loving and spiritual. The best person I ever knew. I am so glad I have some of her gifts.
This Christmas I don't even want to decorate. I don't know if I should or not. If I do it is for mom, not me. I don't want to even think about it. Yet it is in my face already. Every where I go decoration are going up.
Mom, I think would love it if I did this for her. I haven't even finished unpacking. As I think to myself. WHY! If I don't find a job, I won't have a place to live. Simple as that. No it really is simple as that.
I just don't want to disappoint mom, by getting kicked out of my home. I even have an add for a new roommate. I would prefer just to live by myself. IF I ONLY HAD A JOB
I don't know if GOD is seeing me though. I hope and ask for his help.
Please pray for mom's memorial service and for mom.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuand
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
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