The nightmare before Christmas begins

Hello again

It is no lie that I receive assistance. So today I had to go into New Westminster, to get the cheque. Now I arrived, filled out a form and was handed my cheque. Now, after my rent and bills are paid. I was getting a cheque for $45.00. Yes that is what I got to live on for the month. I am not lying about this. Anyway, I was handed the cheque and looked at it and it was for $5.00. Yes, $5.00 is what it was for. I was told that I was getting something that was for $40.00 and I no longer receive this. They are trying to find out for me. But I now get $5.00 and that is it. Since I don't use my bank that much. I have to pay services charges for cashing this. Which is $1.50 Yes that leaves me with a whole $3.50. Well it is in my drawer and that is where it is going to stay.

I told you all that Christmas is the worst time of the year for me. And it is starting out just great. NOT! I am going to be completely broke for the holidays. Which really does wanders for my depression and buying mom some gifts for Christmas. Or even bring her dinners. I used these funds to purchase fruit and snacks. for a few weeks. Then I would do whatever to get the fruits and snacks for the rest of the month.

I now cannot even bring mom dinner at all anymore. I have been able to do this for a few days now. But not anymore. And tonight, mom did not hardly eat anything. Not even her dessert.

I really am very upset and depressed now. And on top of this. My headaches are back and back in a huge way. Then we have the extreme pain I have been in for the last few days. My right leg is killing me. To the point where I want to get off the bus, or stand up. But this is not possible. As the bus is packed and no room for me to do this. So I start getting agitated. My leg starts to shake.

I need mom to eat. And I was hoping the money would be their today so I can feed mom dinner for the weekend, until next week to see if I can come up with something.

I usually make a nice Christmas for mom. I bring her treats before the day. I am there at and on Christmas day. And everyday before and after. I pour love and affection on her. I shower her with gifts. And none of this will happen this Christmas. I was expecting over $500 today. But take the zero's out and you get $5.00

That  is the start of crappy times to come.  And it is not even the end of November. I don't even have clothing to keep me warm or dry. My feet get soaking wet and they are actually getting painful. No dry jacket. And no sweaters, shirts, and my socks are full of holes.

And the bags I carry are garbage and are very heavy hurting my shoulders. I need new bags. And I have to find something that will keep the food warm for 3 hours while I get their. When I can bring mom food again. You see the dinner's are cold when I get their and have to be warmed up in the microwave, which just ruins food. So all the work I put into making mom a fantastic meal, are gone to ruin. There has to be something out there that will help me out here.  Mom loves what I cook. and it is important that mom gets the original food. Hot and delicious. Not ruined by a microwave.

This is why it is important for mom and I to have a place, so I can take food out of the oven and right to the table. Or a car so I can load it up and get it their hot. I know of things that will do this. Caterer's use them and the food stays hot for a long time. Maintaining it's taste.

This is why I hate myself and my life and again, if it was not for mom I would of taken my own life along time ago. I have nothing to live for. And no one would miss me anyways. I am alone and with absolutely no one who gives a crap about me. This is apparent with the many phone calls and dinner invitation I get. Oh right I don't get these things happening to me. No phone calls, no invitations, no nothing. I get calls from, Oh yea no one. As I don't have a phone and I really need one.

I cannot go any longer without a phone. I can't even get anything done for mom without a phone. I am in extreme pain, and I am so very depressed. Mom needs to eat and I don't know what to do.

I am going now. I need to sleep. Again no appetite for food. It has been days now, that I have not had a desire to eat. I just want my tea. And to bring dinner for mom.

GOD Bless and good night.

Kris




"When a man is willing and eager,
the gods join in."
- Aeschylus

I am in pain and hurting inside.

Hello Again

It is a time of the year that I hate. I don't hate anything, except Christmas. Kris would love to have something nice for himself, something cool, enjoyable.Something to say, hey Kris you are doing a great job caring for your mother, keep it up. Here this is for you. Or here go get what it is you want, and don't worry about the price. Within reason of course.

I have not had a Christmas that I have enjoyed, most of my life,. Never in my life, actually. I always enjoyed spending time with my parents. But I have always been alone at this time of the year. Or just never. Blah Blah Blah.

I just want a great Christmas for a change. GOD knows my dream and what I really want for HIM to provide the miracle for .

That is between HE and I. It involves my mother in a big way. Don't get me wrong, I love doing what I am dong and will never stop doing it. I just wish I had some help and someone to talk too once in awhile. Come on. I don't speak to anyone during the day.

Today, was not a good day for my leg. I have been in constant pain all day long. To the point that sitting on the bus was becoming increasingly difficult. My leg was starting to shake, No matter what position I sat in I could not get comfortable and the pain would not and has not gone away.

Last night I made mom dinner, I got a few dollars.m And I made mom, fresh pasta, with my pasta machine. I made her mushroom and asiago cheese ravioli. And chicken Parmesan. With a rose sauce. I put the rest of the dough and sauce in the freezer. I have not been hungry at all lately. I just want my tea. So I am  not eating. Not hungry.

Well mom absolutely loved this and ate everything. So mom will eat but not the crap they are feeding her. Mom had a smile on her face the whole time and when she was finished, mom just did that wow thing. And I stoped and got her a milkshake and she drank the whole thing.

It was great to see her eat. And tonight I made her ribs and home chips. Again loved it.

Now at 6:30 pm every night, all the staff disappeared, just like at Valley View. Just gone. There could be 100 staff members and at this time everyone goes away.

I did not write anything last evening as my Christmas depression is kicking in. What my dad taught me was to never trust anyone, as they will always let you down. If you want something done, do it yourself. Nobody is going to help you. If you rely on people for help, don't. It will never happen. People are to selfish to help. Even if it is life or death. Or you desperately need someone to help. Don't you will be waiting a very long time. You will grow old and grey waiting.

I am finding this out. I have asked and asked over and over again and nothing. My father was absolutely right. I made a promise to my father to make sure mom is looked out for. To do everything I can for her. No one gets it, and I will do it forever if I have to. Allot of people read this blob and at this time when I really need someone. Not a soul. I can talk to mom but it is not the same.

I don't get to have conversations with anyone during the day. My roommate is nice but he is just a kid and I can't even talk to him. So I go day's without a conversation with someone.

I have not had something good happen in my life in years. I have not bought anything for myself in a billion years. No entertainment of any kind. And I am OK with being at home. But would like a nice TV. And I love listening to music, but not on a crappy system either. That is why I don't listen to music right now.

I will give everything I have to mom and only the best for mom is the way I think.

But at this time of the year, I would like some really good things as well. New clothes, a TV, new TV stereo system, Blue Ray. Groceries etc.. I would love a car, but this is asking to much and is last on my list of things.

But as I said, if you rely on people to do this for me, think again. No amount of me doing good is going to make this happen. No amount of correcting this wrong is going to help me make any of this happen for me;.

It is a shame and I wish it were not this way. I wish that I would wake up and in front of my door would be everything and more, of what I ask for.

But as my father said, do not rely on anyone.
I have to go now. I am tired. And I am still not hungry. I just want my tea.





"Take the first step in faith. You don't
have to see the whole staircase.
Just take the first step."
- Martin Luther King Jr.

I am worried about mom

Hello again

I am getting worried about mom, she is not eating much anymore. And when I say not much, I mean hardly anything. Not even enough to fill a squirl. I brought mom Chinese food tonight and she barely ate any of it. Mom has not been eating much at all lately. It is like she is giving up.

And tonight mom was crying all evening. OK I was late getting their. But I have told mom many times, which I told her again tonight. I will always be here for her, and will be their everyday. Without fail. But she continued to cry tonight.

My sisters were their today and I am sure something happened then to cause this. This is something my sisters would do. Say something or do something to get mom upset. As in tonight, they treat her like a baby and that is the way they speak to her. They speak down to her.

I don't know what they are up to, but they are up to something. I can feel it. And mom is to upset lately. I have not seen mom cry this much ever before.

I really need to get mom to eat. If that means cooking for her that is what I have to do. I just need to find the funds for groceries. I don't care if I eat, not at all. As a matter of fact, I am not hungry at all, lately. She is always tired and wants to go to bed. Of course she wants her spa treatment, first.

It seems like mom is giving up, just not wanting to be alive. I have to do something about this mess.

I need a huge miracle right now.  I mean a huge miracle. One that transcends the normality of everyday. Mom needs to get out of that place. Mom waited over 1/2 hours tonight to go to the washroom.

It will be 4 years this December 30 th that my father passed away. Also mom is completely bored. Not doing anything, talking to anyone, or going anywhere. Both my sister's have cars, excuse me, vans, so they can take mom out to do things with her. But neither of them speak to mom, without a condescending attitude. Talking down to her.

After mom went to the washroom and was changed for bed, she was a little happier. And I put her to bed. And I hugged her gave mom her good night kisses.

Yes I am lonely, but mom is even more lonely. Sitting in her wheelchair all day long, eating for that is not appetizing in anyway and is cold, by the time they feed her, when I am not their.

Mom is giving up, And I cannot allow this. Mom has Lot's of time left, and I want mom to enjoy her life.

Once mom is discharged, that is the time to find a place for the two of us. Of course anyone can come and visit mom anytime they want.

I really need this miracle to happen now,. And I ask that whom ever believes in GOD please pray for a huge miracle for us. And for it to happen right away.

Also could you please pray that money would come for groceries to cook for her.

I will need to have this resolved asap. As I can not see mom upset like this. I do understand what she may be feeling. Since Christmas is upon us. And for me this is the worst time of the year for me. I am always alone at Christmas and well, mom is completely and absolutely alone.  Yes I am their everyday. But I am only her son. The others don't spend time with her. Or do anything for her.

I have to say good night. I am tired and very depressed about mom crying and not eating.

GOD Bless and good night

Kris

Happy then depressed

Hello again

Yes I was happy when visiting mom and then when I left I became very depressed. I love my mother, I truly do. But I am lonely. It is not when I am with her, it is when I leave. I am by myself again, with no one to come home too. And talk too. I see all these couples, and I know it has been over 15 years, since I had that.

I flirt and then do nothing, so I hang my head with disbelief, that I did nothing. Then I get depressed again.

So mom barely ate anything for dinner, I could not bring her anything. As I am without. And what they served was not good for mom. I tried to get her to eat. But no luck. I brought her my everything salad. Mom ate a little of it, not enough to keep he healthy. Mom is very tired when I get their. Her eyes are tearing from burning. She is thirsty, for lack of liquids during the day. This is apparent, for the mung on the sides of her mouth.

I give her liquid, her favorite drink. I really tried tonight. I was very sad because of this. If mom does not eat, she is going to get really sick. I don't know what to do. I need, first to get their earlier so  maybe she will eat. The day light saving time messed her up. The darkness at her dinner time, is not good. Mom wants to go to bed. But it is to early for mom to go to bed. 

I need groceries so I can get mom eating, and eating on a regular basis'. And not just picking at her food.

I know I need a jacket and clothing, but I would give this up, just so I can get mom eating again. I will just deal with it. Some how.

I would love to able to do both, get some winter clothing and get groceries so I can cook for mom and bring it to her everyday. Mom loves my cooking, as I have mentioned. I say this without reservations to my GOD and I pray this to HIM as well.

I really need some help, from someone.

I am extremely lonely, living without company or companionship and have done this for a very long time. I know my mother wants me to have a relationship. Mom brings it up. She triesto get me connected with some of the staff. But not going to happen. Nobody I am interested.

I know mom does not want me to be alone anymore. I keep telling her I am fine. Mom is always asking me why I keep wearing the same thing. I tell her I am fine and this keeps me warm. I am wearing all of what I own everyday to keep warm.

But I digress, mom needs to eat, more than I need to keep warm and my feet dry. I will die for mom and that is all that is to it.

I try to tell the guy at the PGT and all he tells me is that the hospital has food and they should be feeding her. Yes they have dinner for her. Yet it is still hospital food. And either way, mom is not eating. And what ever it takes, mom has to eat. Whether he likes it or not. It is mom's money and if I need groceries to get her healthy, than that is what it takes.

Lately, I have not even had the desire to eat. Nothing does it for her. Even chicken wings or even ice cream. Nothing is making me want to eat. I just don't  want to eat. Nothing at all. I just want to it nuts and that is it. I don't even want the salad I make. It and everything else does not even taste good. I am fine without eating.

Now to get mom eating again. I really need help with this one. But of course this is not going to happen. No one gives a shit about my mother's feeling and what happens to her. Even her family. And me, nobody has cared about me, in, well. Ever and I guess this is OK. It will have to be and has been. My mother's life is more important then mine.

I need to get mom healthy and eating dinner, whatever it takes.

GOD and good night

Kris

Arriving at a time in a journey

Hello again

Today the wind was bad, I was standing waiting for a bus and the wind was howling through. And everyone in the line up was all wrapped up and looked at me with the look, Are you nuts, where is your gloves and jacket and scarf.  I just said to them. " This is what I have and so this is what I wear, if you want to throw me some money to buy winter clothing, be my guest" And that what I told them exactly.

I am not going to hold back when everyone is looking at me. And saying things about me. So I just tell it like it is. But that was in Richmond and then in White Rock, the wind chill was worse. The lower Mainland is not known for this kind of weather. It gets cold, but not until January, and for only two weeks. And a wind chill. What is that. This is what we say. We are not use to any kind of tempartures like this.  You know -3 with a wind chill making it feel like -20. I have seen people so wrapped up, only their nose is showing. It is funny.

So I deal with it. It is just the way it is. When things change, then I guess that is when I will have boots and a jacket etc...

I arrived in White Rock and the first thing mom did was bring the same thing up. And asked why I am wearing the same black soft shell black pull over. I told her it was clean, I just washed it. And mom this is all I have. I did, however, wear most of what I own.

So they served a cabbage roll, that mom cannot stand. I brought mom a nice pasta and chicken dish. With a salad of course. Mom was very happy and put her hand on my cheek, and smiled at me with a loving smile. I was overwhelmed with emotion's. I love it when mom does this. She leaned forward for a hug and kiss. I obliged. And mom ate her dinner. More and more each day. She eats what I make, but not what the hospital serves. Well mom has always enjoyed my cooking. I wanted to cook a chicken, but the store only had chicken in two or three packs. I can't afford $25.00 for chicken. I can't afford even the groceries I am buying. But to make sure mom eats and gets the proper nutrition, I will go without,everything and anything. I need mom to stay healthy. And if that means going without. So be it.

I did manage to get mom a nice desert and mom ate most of what I brought and have her cake/tarte I brought. And of course her favorite chocolate Fearro Rochette. I don't even know if that is the correct spelling. But whatever.

So after dinner spa treatment time. Last night I did not get to finish her arms and hands. As mom  was so tired, that her eyes were watering and she was tired. Mom got upset, because she wanted to go to bed right then and there. I can understand why, the boredom alone would drive me nuts. Not being able to do anything or go anywhere. What a great life. Work all your life, save, raise a family and then, because of some doctors, who don't know what they are talking about. Sticks you into a home and that is it. Your family abandons you. Coming to visit once in a while. They don't take you anywhere. Or in my mother's case. Don't take the time to realize that she can actually communicate with you. And you are just to lazy to try to understand her. You speak to them as if they were babies. Come on know. Is this anyway to treat the person who raised you. Or to your sister. Mom has a brother.

And to not even fight for the rights of my mother. This just insults my intelligence. Mom can and will learn to walk and talk again, with my guidance and treatment plan. But I have to have her live with me for this to take place. This is the only way. I know I am right. And I know how to do this, and what alternative treatment to put mom on.

I have been around and studying this disease for over 12 years now, and I think I know a thing or two about Alzheimer's Dementia. After all I completely switched my profession. Well not my profession, but the discipline in which I will undertake. And what I mean is to look for a cure and to find a way of extending the life and well being of , first my mother and then other's.

This depends on, my frame of mind after mom passes away. If I can't take it. Well I am going the way of the doo doo bird. Extinct. Say good bye to this world.

Lets face it. If it were not for my mother, I would of taken my own life a long time ago. I am extremely lonely.

I have not been in a relationship in over 15 years. And barely have had any dates. Maybe three. I don't know what the problem is. I do know that allot of women flirt with me. But I am shy. Not really, I am broke and that is that. The end of the flirting for me. It goes no further. My whole life is dedicated to my mother. And there is no amount of money in the world which can take the place of my mother gently placing her hand on my cheek. With the love and affection that is behind it. And the thank fullness for being there for her. Just writing it. Makes my heart, swell up with emotions.

I am a very lucky man, to have a mother like I do. And I will not stop what I do for anything. I only, feel affection and warmth, from being around her. I feel like my life actually has meaning. Which when I leave the hospital. That feeling disappears.

I am back to my same old boring life. Trying to figure out how to get, warm clothing, cloths, period. A car to get out to White Rock  more easily. Giving me free time to pursue adsaac and Angels Answers. As well  trying to figure out whether I to move to White Rock or not

Yes I am having second thoughts about this. As I live right at the foot of a mountain. And trees are every where and lakes and natural beauty. As in my raccoons, crows and the squirl I feed on a regular basis'

The mother raccoon, just brought her little one over to show me. The crows did the same. They are here everyday and are not afraid of me. The raccoons will eat right close to me. Within 2 feet. And the crows, well they are a different thing. They are almost coming right up to me. Soon they will.

This I cannot get in White Rock. No mountains at all. They have the ocean, but so do I. And I could, literally, get a ride to the top of West Wood Plateau and from there walk and hike for 2 months without seeing people.

But I digress. I am the luckiest man alive. And I am so thankful my mother is letting me look after her and be their for her Amen

I really need to go, it is 2:31 am and bed it is.

GOD Bless and good night

Kris


"Strength does not come from winning
Your struggles develop your strength.When you go through hardship
and decide not to surrender,
that is strength."

-20 with the wind chill

Hello again Today it is cold, very, very cold. The only problem I am having with this, is my sports injuries. And my left thumb. This hurts the most. I cannot even use it in this weather. This pisses me off the most. So I was raised in a two parent house hold. My father worked and worked, and worked even on weekends. Did not see muchy of him. I can remember dad coming home having dinner and then relaxing. It is OK. They provided a great home. I played all the sports I wanted to and took part in any science studies I wanted too. Mom raised us and we went on the typical summer holiday.Mom taught me to respect everyone. And to live a chiveralous as possible. To open doors and stand up when a lady is sitting. To respect  women, all women. All women are beautiful in there own way. Manners and morals. To love one another. Now from my father I got stubborness, to stand up for what I believe in, no matter what. And if I say I am going to do something. Dam straight I will do it. As my promiss to make sure mom is good. And to keep her safe and to let nothing and nobody harm her. To make sure mom has the absolute best life as possible. To live and laugh. To enjoy every bit of her remaining life. To fight everyone and every corportation and doctor if I believe they are harming mom.  This is said to dad and will keep my word. And keep it I will. It is going to be a bad winter and there will be lots of snow. I am not prepare for this in anyway. And extreme cold wether with wind chill. Vancouver has not had this type of weather in a very long time. A very long time. I am only going to give the PGT until Monday of this new week. And then it is time to take action. I will write him tomorrow evening when I return. Now today, I made mom dinner again. I really do need to get groceries so I can continue to do this. As mom is actually eating. Dinner was a nice pasta and more meatballs and a salad. My everything salad. When, in the past, I made this salad. It will last me at least a week and I need nothibg else. After dinner it was spa treatment time. Just started the treatment and the staff took mom to the washroom and got her ready for bed. After this I got to do most of her nightly rutine but mom was to tired and I just got to do her face and feet. Then it was aparent, well by mom telling me it was time for her to go to bed. So this is what I did, did not get to do her hands and arms but mom was tired. When I arrived her eyes were tearing and red. To tired. Bordom will do this to you. So I had written about six more paragraphs but they went away. I know they are still somewhere. But I have not found them yet. I am tired and time to go. GOD Bless and good night. Kris There is something in humility which strangely exalts the heart. St. Augustine

"The greatest things ever done on Earth
have been done little by little."
- William Jennings Bryan