Hello again
I really guess that people just don't care if one is lonely or not. That one is going to be alone during the holidays...
Is this even real or am I just sleeping and will wake up from this nightmare soon, I hope........
I really thought this year would be a good Christmas for me. Since I no longer have my mother to spoil at Christmas, and that is exactly what I did each and every year. I haven't receive a Christmas gift in probably 15 years. The one thing that made it OK, or I just didn't care, was that I got to spoil my mother each year. Not just at Christmas, but all year long. Each and every year.
I made sure her room was decorated to the hilt. A beautiful tree, That shone brightly for all to see. And people did see it, they came from all the floors to see it. I think mom's tree was even better decorated then the tree's the staff put up. I got mom to help out, to do whatever she could to assist in the decorating. And mom just loved doing it as well. Made her feel useful and appreciated.
We would spend hours and hours decorating her room. The music playing, Christmas music it was. Magical and beautiful. I will never forget my time with mom.
What I am trying to say is this. Yes I never received a Christmas gift in 15 years, I got to be with my mother. No present could ever beat what I received in love from mom, the excitement in her eye's The warm hugs and feelings. Her tender touch. Her speechless looks that filled my heart with all the Christmas cheer and love I could ever get. The biggest gift I ever received was just being with my beautiful mother.
But now I am alone. This is not fun. I thought that this year would be different. I thought that someone would actually care enough to help out and maybe make this year not so lonely. And alone.
I was not going to even put up any decorations or a tree. I did, for mom, put up my small tree and put some decorations on it. ... Next year I will put up mom's tree and go all out. To honour my mother and will continue each year with more and more decorations. I am just not in the mood this year. The first year without my mother.
I volunteered at a local Christmas dinner and I did get allot of extra turkey they had. So I pretty much have everything I need for a Christmas dinner. I will make and eat by myself. There is no other choice for me. I guess I will have to be OK with this and look at my empty tree.
I have been checking my mail box for a hope that I would receive something from someone. A card. I have written different places and have spoken to a few pastors. Not about helping out, but about this being the first Christmas I am spending without my mother and home absolutely lonely it is for me. Yea and nothing. Nothing at all........ Just the typical GOD is with you. Yes I know GOD is with me, but no one else is. I am trying to do everything that is right. Nothing seems to go right for me. Even the job search. I was at sources job club today, sending off more resumes.
I have needed to change my direction because of the bus accident and the pain I am feeling. So no more jobs that require me to lift anything.
A few days left before Christmas and I don't see a good Christmas for me at all... I know there are allot of people who are worse off than myself, I feel compassion for them. If I could do something for them I would. But I am alone. No one. I really don't even have friends. They, the few I have are busy with their own families. Which is what they should be doing. I just don't have family anymore. OK I have sisters. But they are not family to me, they are strangers to me. So no, they are not my family..
Just depressed for the last few days, that is why I have not written. But I will be back tomorrow.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC,
Canada. V4B0A7
Please Pray
