Just a point

Hello again

I had a good day yesterday for a change, but it didn't last that long. Really. I spent the afternoon, in a meeting with a rep from the Seniors Advocacy Centre. I had stopped in there previously to request a manual and discussed how I might get involved. I needed to come back to pick up the manual and discuss getting involved. My meeting was for 1:30 and when I left, I checked the time and it was 3:45. Wow, a good meeting.

Anyways, we had a productive meeting and she suggested how I might get involved. It turns out they have group workshops. On four different subjects. And this is how I might get involved, by putting on some of these workshops. I would attend a few of them and then discuss these with the director and if I would like to present any of these, I would be trained and then volunteer to present these workshops.

You see, I spend over a dozen years developing a skill set. A skill set that I would like to use to further benefit other families. As I advocated for my mother. The skills that I developed over the years has value. And this can be used to help other's

I felt very good about this. And thought this could turn into a paid position. I might not be with the Seniors Centre, but with a different organization.

Yet my cousin, who contacted me today, doesn't see this as any good. It doesn't pay the bills, it is a wasted of your time. But being a dishwasher is not a waste of my time. Really.

I developed skills,that not many have developed.

Yet, once again, no one see's this as having a benefit. Helping other's has no benefit. Really. Doing for others as we are suppose to do, has no benefit.

Just as she didn't see my taking care of and looking after my mother as a job or having any value to anyone.

It had tremendous value to my mother. If it were not for me, my mother would of been alone. Always. She would not of had nice, clean clothing, her own sheets, pillows and duvet. Or fresh meals each day. Plus all of the other things I did for her.

But the most important part of looking after my mother, was just holding her hand. This mom just loved. It was the most most important part of her day. She knew I would be there and would not let go of her hand.

She get rude on the phone and says to me, Oh no I might loose your friendship. I hung up on her, right then and there. She is not my friend. Strangers are better friends than that...........

Once again, I don't care if my family ;likes me or wants to know me. OH WELL

I was in a good mood, things might look good for me, but here, a member of my family who thinks what I did for mom was not a job or of any benefit to anyone.

She or any member of my family could never do what I did. PERIOD!

So I just turned my phone off and am just pissed off.

Got to go

I am out of here.

Kris Schmuland

PTSD

Hello again

Well my counselor was right. I have PTSD as a result of my mothers passing. I can't even think about mom without breaking down. I am not even capable of making any decisions. I asked someone today about something. Didn't get an answer and couldn't decide. Just couldn't decide.

I am not couping with anything very well Sure I can put on this BS face and go through out my day. But it is fake and I know everyone see's it as just that fake. Today was a day I was feeling very withdrawn from everything and everyone. I can still feel it. People are speaking with me and I am just not there.

I am struggling, to just deal with what is in front of me. I can't sleep, and when I do fall asleep, it is 4 am. then having to get up. That alone is a struggle.

My day to day life is falling apart. Very quickly.

I have no idea what to do next. With everything. My doctor, good as he seems, is not helping me the way I need him to help. I will be speaking with him on Wednesday about everything.

This diabetes is really getting to me. There is so much to do to keep myself alive. My glucose is very high. I have to go on a different diet. Which is way out of my price range. I need a diabetes bracelet. No funds for this. Everyone is telling me I need to have this, I need to wear this.

I am trying.

Just doing anything is becoming difficult. I have a few friends and just dealing with them is becoming difficult. I am in a irritated mood all the time. I want to just go. Where, I don't know.

I know I am not getting the help I need. I have so many things wrong with me. This new thing, diabetes is just the topper, which is throwing me over the edge.

Actually, I am starting to feel the effects of the lose of my mother. This is not stress, this is something I have never experienced before. I am shaking more and more each day. I can barely hold on to things. My insides are being eaten up. I am dizzy all the time now. My head is spinning and spinning. My vision is blurry, I have headaches all the time now. All day long. My hearing is becoming very poor. I can't concentrate on anything for any length of time.  I am afraid of everyone. I have never been afraid of anything before. I walked with the belief I am safe. I don't feel that anymore. I don't feel safe anywhere. Even at my friends homes. I just want to go, as soon as  I get there. My nerves are fried. I can't stand even being on the train, bus or even walking around. But I just can't sit still. Even now, I am shaking, inside and out. My heart is beating heavily, I am short of breath. I am sweating. I know it is not a heart attack. I know it is anxiety that I am experiencing. The nerves in my left arm are bothering me. This what the pain in my left arm is about. Maybe it is carrying the backpack or sleeping on it wrong. I don't want to get into an elevator with anyone. I am re living mom's last days. What it was like. I am not dealing with the fact that mom's belongings were taken. I am angry about that. I am angry that the police are not doing anything about it. I am angry that I am not doing anything about it.

I have to write an email to a lawyer and describe what happened to mom and what the home did. For a wrongful death suite. I have time for that, but I have to do it. I have not even opened the large box of mom's medical records. That is freaking me out. Just to think about it. I need to look through all the photo's of mom. Can't bring myself to do this either. It is even difficult going to the closet,where here photo's and medical records are, to get something to wear each day. Nowhere else to put them.

I feel like my life is being strangled. I don't know how to describe it. I would like to speak with someone who is going through PTSD or has gone through PTSD. Someone to help me figure this out. I have all these expenses now and I can't deal with not being able to look after myself.

I can't begin to describe what else I am feeling. I will as I know myself what it is I am feeling.

Now for this lady I am living with and trying to help. I looked after my mother for a very long time. It is the proudest moment of my life. I can't even look after myself right now. I am barely getting by. This lady is nice. I like her, but I can't look after her the way she thinks I should be doing. Like her friend, the one that moved out, said to her the other day. He doesn't think I am doing anything to help out. Really!


OK I am just lost and I know now that I do have PTSD. This I need to bring up with my doctor. I am discussing this with my counselor now. All the symptoms are present. Disassociation.

I have decided that ADSAAC is no more. It is not right. I believe a foundation in my mother;s name is where I should be putting my attention.

As you have read, I am all over the place. I am going now.

Please pray. If anyone is or has gone through what I am dealing with. Please Please.............No one from my so called family please.

I am trying to get some help. Everyone thinks I am weak and faking it. No one has any idea what is happening in my life. Just what I write here.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

This is going nowhere and getting there fast

Hello again

I can't believe I am having so many problems just finding a place. All the places I like and apply to, I get a text message telling me they have been rented. And I am not even getting a reply from other's

I need a place. I can no longer afford the storage locker I have been paying for. There is no other locker's available in this building I am in.

The for rent sign has now been taken down. So I have no idea what the deal with that is. I guess I will have to call the manager tomorrow morning.

This is turning into a nightmare. One it seems I can't wake up from. I want to, but it seems I am stuck in a perpetual circle, of nothingness. I did what I was to do in my life.

This is the only thing in my life that I can actually say I was proud of. Looking after mom.  And I am nothing without doing that. Taking care of my mother.

I went to a diabetes clinic and they give me a list of things I need. A glucose tester, the testing strips, the testing needles and a yellow container to put the needles in after I use them. ( Testing needles, they are surrounded by a protective plastic. I push on one end and a tiny needle comes out the other end. These are to be used only once) All of this costs money, which I have none of . And on top of this, a special diet. I need to eat certain foods for each of my meals. A list of exceptable foods that are approved for diabetics. And again, no funds to do this.

This disease is just getting worse. I need a bracelet as well.

Not cool.

I just need a place to call home. A place if I want to walk around in my underwear, I can if I want too. A place where I can use my own living room

Enough, I am sure none of you want to hear about this anymore. I sure don't. And I am living it.

I pray each night for something to happen. That I am out and about and I meet someone, that turns around and leads me to another person who just happens to have a place.

Look I am a good person. I just want my own place to live. So I can get on with my life.

Please pray, If not thanks anyways.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland