Hello again
Well mom was fine today, she did eat well, chewed and swallowed without much of a problem.
Our usual table was being used today, so we ate in her room again. Two days in a row. I don't think mom liked it to much, as tomorrow is her bath day and she will be put into her bed right after they give her a bath. Mom is not to happy about this. She is hot and sweaty, very uncomfortable. The staff put an extra sheet on her.. Which makes mom even more hot and sweaty
I made her a nice pasta dinner with chicken pieces in it. As well as red onion and mushrooms. She liked this.
So we finished with dinner and then dessert. After which I took her and washed her hair. This relaxed her and got her ready for bed.
The staff came in and changed her pad, put her to bed. And that was that. Nothing special happened today. I spoke with mom continuously. OK, almost. I chat allot to her. Makes her feel she is part of my life. Knowing what is going on outside of her world.
Which by the way is small. Again, this is why I need to be living out their as soon as possible. To enjoy the summer with her. Taking mom outside to soak up some of that vitamin D which she so desperately needs. As we all do.
We were done everything, including her spa treatment by 7 pm. And I just stayed, holding her hand until 8 pm. It didn't matter to me when I left.
I want to be their so I don't ever have to worry about leaving at a certain time.
This, not being able to find a place I can afford, will be the death of me. This is why I am having a hard time believing in GOD anymore. I see no sign of His guidance and help achieving this out come.
I am and have been under the impression that if I take two steps forward GOD will be their to help me with the rest of the steps. What ever happened to miracles.
Not in my life.
I am in serious pain. I need a place. I am out of here, no matter what, by the end of August. And I want to be out of here for August 1, not the end of summer. After this I have no way of paying the entire rent. My friend goes back to Asia to work.
Pray OK don't. I don't care anymore.
I will be putting up a fund raising goal on go fund me. to raise money for a funeral for mom. Yes she is fine, but it is necessary to have everything in place before she passes. To purchase a burial plot in the same cemetery as her parents. To have my fathers ashes put in the coffin with mom. So they can be together again for eternity. I have just about finished writing it and will let you know when it is up.
The funds will sit in trust and be disbursed only to pay for a funeral.
I am broke and disabled. Even more so now.
I am getting better at one handed typing though.
Got to go
Kris Schmuland
Friday, June 20, 2014
I am just not sure
Hello again
So tonight was an extremely emotional visit with mom.. To the point where mom took her good arm and reached it around me for a hug.
I was crying like a baby, maybe worse than a baby. I just saw mom, not being able to chew and swallow like she use to. Here is an example. Last year mom could eat steak, this year, not so much. When I brought steak to her, not long ago, mom just chewed and chewed a small piece of steak, for 10 minutes. I tried to get her to spit it out. Mom had trouble swallowing it. Or just chewing it to swallow it. I DON'T KNOW.
I brought mom some Tempura and she had a bite of the yam. The same thing, chewed and chewed.
But what got me onto my crying fit, was a feeling, that mom might not be around this time next year.
This is another sign of her disease. Just like her not being able to use a spoon, knife or fork. It starts here. First she has a hard time chewing than she can't chew at all. Then..................
What I am saying is reality. This is her life. This is my life that I write about. Telling you all how it is when it is. Not holding back.
The reality of this disease is devastating, My heart breaks all the time. I am emotional as I type this.
Off topic
I find if I hold the key board very close to me, I am able to use both hands to type. Uncomfortable I do say, but it works.
Back to mom.
When mom cannot eat the salad she likes, anymore. I know it is getting very bad. And I don't know if I can take it. I will certainly do my best. But I can see myself being an extremely emotional basket case. Almost like tonight.
I told mom, tonight, that this is my life, I am here for you and always will be, no matter what. That looking after you and taking care of you is the best thing I have every done in my life. Nothing compares to this, nothing I have every done in my life is this important to me nor has any value like taking care of you.
I would never trade this for anything. I am not going anywhere, in fact mom this is why it is so important that I move here. To be closer, to be here more often. To be here morning, noon and night, if I have too.
I don't want to be far from you mom, I need you to know this. That it is very important to me to read to you, sing to you or just sit and hold your hand, quietly.
My belief today has changed, I don't think I believe in GOD anymore. And I have said this day, that if there is a GOD, He would have to show me. I can't keep believing and listening to people tell me "I am going to be blessed by what I do for your mother" I am done with this crap.
Instead of telling me that I am going to be blessed, do something about it. Help me out. I am tired of lip service. I want action.
Just like the action I take by caring for mom, by fighting for her rights. By doing everything for her and more.
THAT IS WHAT ACTION LOOKS LIKE! BY DOING, NOT TALKING ABOUT IT.
Or giving me this phony lip service to try to appease me to make me feel good about myself. I have never needed anyone in the past to make me feel good about myself. Who the hell thinks I need someone now. So far no one has stepped up to the plate and done anything. I mean anything.
I have been doing this, by myself, for almost a decade. First Dad and now mom. It is over 7 years now, since Dad passed away, and mom was developing the symptoms of Dementia several years before that. I was and am their.
I may write and talk tough, and brave. But yes I would like someone to help me out. It would be nice for a change.
It would make me feel that there are actually decent people in this society. That I am wrong about my feelings of what people are like.
PROVE ME WRONG! that is all I have to say.
Kris Schmuland
So tonight was an extremely emotional visit with mom.. To the point where mom took her good arm and reached it around me for a hug.
I was crying like a baby, maybe worse than a baby. I just saw mom, not being able to chew and swallow like she use to. Here is an example. Last year mom could eat steak, this year, not so much. When I brought steak to her, not long ago, mom just chewed and chewed a small piece of steak, for 10 minutes. I tried to get her to spit it out. Mom had trouble swallowing it. Or just chewing it to swallow it. I DON'T KNOW.
I brought mom some Tempura and she had a bite of the yam. The same thing, chewed and chewed.
But what got me onto my crying fit, was a feeling, that mom might not be around this time next year.
This is another sign of her disease. Just like her not being able to use a spoon, knife or fork. It starts here. First she has a hard time chewing than she can't chew at all. Then..................
What I am saying is reality. This is her life. This is my life that I write about. Telling you all how it is when it is. Not holding back.
The reality of this disease is devastating, My heart breaks all the time. I am emotional as I type this.
Off topic
I find if I hold the key board very close to me, I am able to use both hands to type. Uncomfortable I do say, but it works.
Back to mom.
When mom cannot eat the salad she likes, anymore. I know it is getting very bad. And I don't know if I can take it. I will certainly do my best. But I can see myself being an extremely emotional basket case. Almost like tonight.
I told mom, tonight, that this is my life, I am here for you and always will be, no matter what. That looking after you and taking care of you is the best thing I have every done in my life. Nothing compares to this, nothing I have every done in my life is this important to me nor has any value like taking care of you.
I would never trade this for anything. I am not going anywhere, in fact mom this is why it is so important that I move here. To be closer, to be here more often. To be here morning, noon and night, if I have too.
I don't want to be far from you mom, I need you to know this. That it is very important to me to read to you, sing to you or just sit and hold your hand, quietly.
My belief today has changed, I don't think I believe in GOD anymore. And I have said this day, that if there is a GOD, He would have to show me. I can't keep believing and listening to people tell me "I am going to be blessed by what I do for your mother" I am done with this crap.
Instead of telling me that I am going to be blessed, do something about it. Help me out. I am tired of lip service. I want action.
Just like the action I take by caring for mom, by fighting for her rights. By doing everything for her and more.
THAT IS WHAT ACTION LOOKS LIKE! BY DOING, NOT TALKING ABOUT IT.
Or giving me this phony lip service to try to appease me to make me feel good about myself. I have never needed anyone in the past to make me feel good about myself. Who the hell thinks I need someone now. So far no one has stepped up to the plate and done anything. I mean anything.
I have been doing this, by myself, for almost a decade. First Dad and now mom. It is over 7 years now, since Dad passed away, and mom was developing the symptoms of Dementia several years before that. I was and am their.
I may write and talk tough, and brave. But yes I would like someone to help me out. It would be nice for a change.
It would make me feel that there are actually decent people in this society. That I am wrong about my feelings of what people are like.
PROVE ME WRONG! that is all I have to say.
Kris Schmuland
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
We are thankful
Hello again
I arrived to find mom waiting for me. Looking at the entrance and this lady, Miss Pat, by mom's side telling mom that I will be their shortly and I was. The smile on mom's face, is worth the entire trip I make each day.
Mom hass this leaning issue, which makes it hard for me to feed her and to give her drinks. She leaning over to far. Being hurt doesn't make it any better, as I have to straighten her out. Which is painful. She has been doing this for a while.
The home doesn't seem to be doing anything about it. I am afraid she will fall out of her seat one day. I straighten her out, turn my back and she is back leaning again.
It doesn't matter how many times I ask her to not do this, or explain that I am hurt and it is difficult to keep lifting and moving her in her chair.
I know she wants to be close, but I am right their next to her. Less than a foot away. It is just difficult now that I am hurt and in pain. This causes me more pain.
It was the usual day with mom, Feed her dinner. Although it is very uncomfortable to feed mom left handed. It makes it slower. Which is not going over to well with mom.
She is hungry and thirsty and wants it now. I am slow and now, with this accident I am slower. It is difficult having to feed her left handed and constantly trying to straighten her up.
And it is Wednesday and one of the days I wash her hair. After dinner I get the shampoo to wash mom's hair and the bottle is almost empty.
I just bought it. The last time I used it was Friday and it was full. This is what it is like their. They just help themselves to everything.
I keep putting her things in her drawer and they keep moving it to the bathroom that separates two rooms. And both rooms have access to this bathroom.
I immediately go and tell the nurse and said to her I am moving mom's things to the drawer and that it where they are to stay. Of course no one here is going to replace it. Are they. I stated to the nurse. She had no answer for me.
It is the same shampoo as mom and one bottle lasts me a month. I only wash mom's hair twice a week and the staff once a week.
These people can't even put the sheet on properly. My list of complaints is growing again.
Anyways mom's spa treatment was completed and I held her hand while I talked to her and she fell asleep. Of course I wait until her grip is loosened then I go.
Tonight I didn't ever get home until after 11 pm.
I am in serious pain and I need to go.
Haven't eaten a meal, besides crackers, in almost a week now. Every time I eat something, my stomach gets very upset and serious cramping. I am bloated.
It is like I am having menstrual cramps. LOL As the nurse said to me, it is going to take a few weeks to get back to normal.
Yet I am hungry, very hungry and I am sick, so sick, of crackers and cheese. I really don't eat much cheese and I won't eat crackers for a very long time, when this is over.
So
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I arrived to find mom waiting for me. Looking at the entrance and this lady, Miss Pat, by mom's side telling mom that I will be their shortly and I was. The smile on mom's face, is worth the entire trip I make each day.
Mom hass this leaning issue, which makes it hard for me to feed her and to give her drinks. She leaning over to far. Being hurt doesn't make it any better, as I have to straighten her out. Which is painful. She has been doing this for a while.
The home doesn't seem to be doing anything about it. I am afraid she will fall out of her seat one day. I straighten her out, turn my back and she is back leaning again.
It doesn't matter how many times I ask her to not do this, or explain that I am hurt and it is difficult to keep lifting and moving her in her chair.
I know she wants to be close, but I am right their next to her. Less than a foot away. It is just difficult now that I am hurt and in pain. This causes me more pain.
It was the usual day with mom, Feed her dinner. Although it is very uncomfortable to feed mom left handed. It makes it slower. Which is not going over to well with mom.
She is hungry and thirsty and wants it now. I am slow and now, with this accident I am slower. It is difficult having to feed her left handed and constantly trying to straighten her up.
And it is Wednesday and one of the days I wash her hair. After dinner I get the shampoo to wash mom's hair and the bottle is almost empty.
I just bought it. The last time I used it was Friday and it was full. This is what it is like their. They just help themselves to everything.
I keep putting her things in her drawer and they keep moving it to the bathroom that separates two rooms. And both rooms have access to this bathroom.
I immediately go and tell the nurse and said to her I am moving mom's things to the drawer and that it where they are to stay. Of course no one here is going to replace it. Are they. I stated to the nurse. She had no answer for me.
It is the same shampoo as mom and one bottle lasts me a month. I only wash mom's hair twice a week and the staff once a week.
These people can't even put the sheet on properly. My list of complaints is growing again.
Anyways mom's spa treatment was completed and I held her hand while I talked to her and she fell asleep. Of course I wait until her grip is loosened then I go.
Tonight I didn't ever get home until after 11 pm.
I am in serious pain and I need to go.
Haven't eaten a meal, besides crackers, in almost a week now. Every time I eat something, my stomach gets very upset and serious cramping. I am bloated.
It is like I am having menstrual cramps. LOL As the nurse said to me, it is going to take a few weeks to get back to normal.
Yet I am hungry, very hungry and I am sick, so sick, of crackers and cheese. I really don't eat much cheese and I won't eat crackers for a very long time, when this is over.
So
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
I keep writing and will......
Hello again
So I needed to get a supply of papaya's for mom. I never realized how heavy they are 4 of them. I guess I was stronger then. I have carried bags of things out to mom's and back without feeling any pain. Yet today, I couldn't wait to get everything off of my back and shoulder.
Mom was tired again when I arrived at 4:30. It must be her getting her medicine to early. Then by dinner she is tired.
Anyways, we ate in her room this evening. Our usual table is used on Tuesday's by her old roommate and daughters.
I brought what I thought mom would like. I had to buy it. It is just hurting to much to cook. But no, she liked it, but wanted the dinner that was served. OK she ate some of it until the dinner was served and then she ate all of that dinner. Mom was an eating machine today.
Then she was tired and wanted to go to bed. I just got her ready and the staff came in and changed her pad and put mom to bed.
During dinner I told her about my day, what is going on in my life. I told mom about finding that girls number, well women's number and not knowing what I want to do about it. To I impose myself upon her. What is she is in a serious relationship and the boyfriend/husband see's the letter.
As you can tell I have not decided what I am going to do about it.
I guess the only thing I could do is write and see what happens.
Now, I sang allot to mom tonight. She kept smiling at me and enjoyed it.
I have not read to her in a while. Mom does not like me to read to her while she is in bed. Just when she is in her chair.
I will get their early one of these days and take mom out to the park and read to her for a while.
I stayed late tonight, just wanted to hold her hand longer and let her know that I am their. Even if mom is asleep she knows when I leave. Mom will open one eye and smile.
Just got home not long ago. Turned on the computer and started to write.
Need to be up early. I have to phone some lawyers to talk about this case to see if they are interested in it.
So GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
So I needed to get a supply of papaya's for mom. I never realized how heavy they are 4 of them. I guess I was stronger then. I have carried bags of things out to mom's and back without feeling any pain. Yet today, I couldn't wait to get everything off of my back and shoulder.
Mom was tired again when I arrived at 4:30. It must be her getting her medicine to early. Then by dinner she is tired.
Anyways, we ate in her room this evening. Our usual table is used on Tuesday's by her old roommate and daughters.
I brought what I thought mom would like. I had to buy it. It is just hurting to much to cook. But no, she liked it, but wanted the dinner that was served. OK she ate some of it until the dinner was served and then she ate all of that dinner. Mom was an eating machine today.
Then she was tired and wanted to go to bed. I just got her ready and the staff came in and changed her pad and put mom to bed.
During dinner I told her about my day, what is going on in my life. I told mom about finding that girls number, well women's number and not knowing what I want to do about it. To I impose myself upon her. What is she is in a serious relationship and the boyfriend/husband see's the letter.
As you can tell I have not decided what I am going to do about it.
I guess the only thing I could do is write and see what happens.
Now, I sang allot to mom tonight. She kept smiling at me and enjoyed it.
I have not read to her in a while. Mom does not like me to read to her while she is in bed. Just when she is in her chair.
I will get their early one of these days and take mom out to the park and read to her for a while.
I stayed late tonight, just wanted to hold her hand longer and let her know that I am their. Even if mom is asleep she knows when I leave. Mom will open one eye and smile.
Just got home not long ago. Turned on the computer and started to write.
Need to be up early. I have to phone some lawyers to talk about this case to see if they are interested in it.
So GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Monday, June 16, 2014
Bring it on
Hello again
I write this tittle today as I am feed up with all this BS. I am hurt. I was not my fault and they, the insurance company, act like I did something.
I can't even get money from them to go to physiotherapy. So I guess it is lawyer time. It will cost them way more if I do indeed hire a lawyer.
Not a good day. My stomach is still upset and I am very hungry and I am not, but still can't eat much. I tried some lemon in my tea. What a mistake that was. The pain the pain. And it is not like I don't have groceries.
Only crackers and cheese since last Thursday. Noting else. My stomach can't handle it.
Today was a day of mostly using my left arm, to sore to use my right arm. From feeding mom to her spa treatment. To lighting my smoke.
Yes I smoke, I don't drink, lost to many people, well one in particular, and to many things.Never a bad drunk, just always wanted to drink. Many many years since I quite. I don't do drugs, OK, I only smoked pot. But quite that, when I quite drinking. Don't miss either of them.
I am feeling like I have something hanging on my right side. I used it a little bit, but hurt to much to continue to use my right arm.
I can use it a little bit, holding on to things etc.. etc...
I am getting better at typing with just my left hand. I just wish I could write with my left arm. I use to take notes all the time, write ideas for poems or poems themselves. Ideas for a book I am writing. But haven't been able to do this since this accident.
Enough about me.
Mom had her hair done today. Took more pictures of her. Will start taking more each and every day. I need them.
The smile on her face when she see's me is unreal. I love it. We went to her room so I could get everything for dinner and mom wanted to go to bed. I said not yet it is dinner and then we will do this.
I gave her a little bit of all the drinks she likes and has. Went out to our table and prepared her dinner. Great fish and rice, plus mushrooms and a nice dip. Plus the usual, avocado. And her dessert Papaya, gold kiwi and her Lindt chocolate. Everyday she gets her 3 pack of Lindt chocolate.
Did the dishes, and mom was falling asleep while I did them. So I hurried and got mom to her room, changed her, brushed her teeth, wiped her nose. By the time I did this the care aid came in and put her to bed, while I was making some hot water for my tea.
I quickly gave mom her spa treatment, which she enjoyed with a smile on her face. When this was done, mom reached her hand out for mine, and started to fall asleep. Of course the nurse woke her up to give mom her medicine. It was OK, it gave me a chance to give mom some more to drink before she fell asleep again.
I stood there and just watched some TV and listened to the music for a while, making sure mom was completely asleep before I left for the journey back. Sang her our good night song, gave her a kiss good night, packed up and walked up town to wait for the bus. 3 hours later here I am, one handed typing to all of you.
When I am with mom I talk and talk to her. I sing to her. I watch her to see what she is saying. I listen to her. I am there for her. Mom knows this.
Thank you for reading this. I do appreciate it very much. Continue please and let others know about it.
I was on line and thinking about the one I lost, due to my drinking. Remember, I just wanted to drink all the time. So I did some searching and found what be her phone number, address in London Ontario, where she moved to. Don't know what I want to do with this information.
Write to her, not write to her. I loved her, and she said she loved me. But I am in no position to even... Well in societies standards, I am a loser. Zero. I have nothing going for me.
She did say, at one point, when we were talking, that she would move back if someone came and got me. That was a decade ago. This is what I mean by not knowing if I should write her or not.
I really would like to know how she is, if she is married with kids. How her twin sister is and her child.
Anyways I have been so busy traveling 3 hours each way to take care of mom, I haven't even dated in a long time. To busy and no one understands what and why I am doing what I am doing. I do. I am taking care of my mother who raised me, took care of me when I was sick. Believe me I was in and out of the hospital allot. Much better now. Except for these problems.
So what I am really saying is. Do I bother her for my sake. Am I writing to see if there is still something there. Or is it just wishful thinking on my part. I am writing for closure. Since I never got it a decade ago. We just lost touch with each other.
Dad got sick and things happened, I started to help out dad and mom got sick and I got into a few car accidents. And then time just passed by.
I need to free up those 6 or more hours in my day to start getting well. To start building a life in White Rock. Close to mom, by the beach. Spend more time writing. Getting active again with some sort of social life. Bringing mom and her aunt over for dinners. They, mom and her aunt, are close in age and her aunt lives very close to mom. As well as mom's aunts, my great aunts, daughter. Who would have to come, as she needs to bring my great aunt over.
Maybe even get a TV or a stereo. Wow, wouldn't that be something. To watch movies with others. A social life.
Mom needs me to be closer to her. That is a given. She needs to get out of that dam place and see something else.
I feel so guilty for not being able to take mom all over the place and let her see the world again. It breaks my heart.
This is what the move is about. Mom only has so much time left. She has dementia and has had a major stroke. And there is no cure for either of these illnesses.
I need to grow up and do something. Or just get off of my ass and do something. I run an add on Craigslist for a place, I look in the local papers. I ask around. The main problem is lack of money.
I was just going to start to write Representation agreements for seniors and their families. This would of made me a little extra money on the side. But I need to be able to take copious amounts of notes. If I can't use my right arm properly and can't write with it. I can't do this.
Well I rambled on allot more than I thought I would. Again I did not even know I had this much to say tonight. I thought I would write a few words about this day.
Need to go write on my pain journal and have some more crackers. I am getting so sick of not being able to eat. I WANT A MEAL! Not yet.
I don't even know what to do about the product I got sick from. Call them and tell them there product made me very sick for days.
To many things to do.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I write this tittle today as I am feed up with all this BS. I am hurt. I was not my fault and they, the insurance company, act like I did something.
I can't even get money from them to go to physiotherapy. So I guess it is lawyer time. It will cost them way more if I do indeed hire a lawyer.
Not a good day. My stomach is still upset and I am very hungry and I am not, but still can't eat much. I tried some lemon in my tea. What a mistake that was. The pain the pain. And it is not like I don't have groceries.
Only crackers and cheese since last Thursday. Noting else. My stomach can't handle it.
Today was a day of mostly using my left arm, to sore to use my right arm. From feeding mom to her spa treatment. To lighting my smoke.
Yes I smoke, I don't drink, lost to many people, well one in particular, and to many things.Never a bad drunk, just always wanted to drink. Many many years since I quite. I don't do drugs, OK, I only smoked pot. But quite that, when I quite drinking. Don't miss either of them.
I am feeling like I have something hanging on my right side. I used it a little bit, but hurt to much to continue to use my right arm.
I can use it a little bit, holding on to things etc.. etc...
I am getting better at typing with just my left hand. I just wish I could write with my left arm. I use to take notes all the time, write ideas for poems or poems themselves. Ideas for a book I am writing. But haven't been able to do this since this accident.
Enough about me.
Mom had her hair done today. Took more pictures of her. Will start taking more each and every day. I need them.
The smile on her face when she see's me is unreal. I love it. We went to her room so I could get everything for dinner and mom wanted to go to bed. I said not yet it is dinner and then we will do this.
I gave her a little bit of all the drinks she likes and has. Went out to our table and prepared her dinner. Great fish and rice, plus mushrooms and a nice dip. Plus the usual, avocado. And her dessert Papaya, gold kiwi and her Lindt chocolate. Everyday she gets her 3 pack of Lindt chocolate.
Did the dishes, and mom was falling asleep while I did them. So I hurried and got mom to her room, changed her, brushed her teeth, wiped her nose. By the time I did this the care aid came in and put her to bed, while I was making some hot water for my tea.
I quickly gave mom her spa treatment, which she enjoyed with a smile on her face. When this was done, mom reached her hand out for mine, and started to fall asleep. Of course the nurse woke her up to give mom her medicine. It was OK, it gave me a chance to give mom some more to drink before she fell asleep again.
I stood there and just watched some TV and listened to the music for a while, making sure mom was completely asleep before I left for the journey back. Sang her our good night song, gave her a kiss good night, packed up and walked up town to wait for the bus. 3 hours later here I am, one handed typing to all of you.
When I am with mom I talk and talk to her. I sing to her. I watch her to see what she is saying. I listen to her. I am there for her. Mom knows this.
Thank you for reading this. I do appreciate it very much. Continue please and let others know about it.
I was on line and thinking about the one I lost, due to my drinking. Remember, I just wanted to drink all the time. So I did some searching and found what be her phone number, address in London Ontario, where she moved to. Don't know what I want to do with this information.
Write to her, not write to her. I loved her, and she said she loved me. But I am in no position to even... Well in societies standards, I am a loser. Zero. I have nothing going for me.
She did say, at one point, when we were talking, that she would move back if someone came and got me. That was a decade ago. This is what I mean by not knowing if I should write her or not.
I really would like to know how she is, if she is married with kids. How her twin sister is and her child.
Anyways I have been so busy traveling 3 hours each way to take care of mom, I haven't even dated in a long time. To busy and no one understands what and why I am doing what I am doing. I do. I am taking care of my mother who raised me, took care of me when I was sick. Believe me I was in and out of the hospital allot. Much better now. Except for these problems.
So what I am really saying is. Do I bother her for my sake. Am I writing to see if there is still something there. Or is it just wishful thinking on my part. I am writing for closure. Since I never got it a decade ago. We just lost touch with each other.
Dad got sick and things happened, I started to help out dad and mom got sick and I got into a few car accidents. And then time just passed by.
I need to free up those 6 or more hours in my day to start getting well. To start building a life in White Rock. Close to mom, by the beach. Spend more time writing. Getting active again with some sort of social life. Bringing mom and her aunt over for dinners. They, mom and her aunt, are close in age and her aunt lives very close to mom. As well as mom's aunts, my great aunts, daughter. Who would have to come, as she needs to bring my great aunt over.
Maybe even get a TV or a stereo. Wow, wouldn't that be something. To watch movies with others. A social life.
Mom needs me to be closer to her. That is a given. She needs to get out of that dam place and see something else.
I feel so guilty for not being able to take mom all over the place and let her see the world again. It breaks my heart.
This is what the move is about. Mom only has so much time left. She has dementia and has had a major stroke. And there is no cure for either of these illnesses.
I need to grow up and do something. Or just get off of my ass and do something. I run an add on Craigslist for a place, I look in the local papers. I ask around. The main problem is lack of money.
I was just going to start to write Representation agreements for seniors and their families. This would of made me a little extra money on the side. But I need to be able to take copious amounts of notes. If I can't use my right arm properly and can't write with it. I can't do this.
Well I rambled on allot more than I thought I would. Again I did not even know I had this much to say tonight. I thought I would write a few words about this day.
Need to go write on my pain journal and have some more crackers. I am getting so sick of not being able to eat. I WANT A MEAL! Not yet.
I don't even know what to do about the product I got sick from. Call them and tell them there product made me very sick for days.
To many things to do.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Sunday Sunday
Hello again
So it was an uneventful day today. Rain and sun. Depending where I was. Trying to do this left handed thing. Very uncomfortable.
Mom was very tried today, when I arrived. Almost asleep in her chair. I could see it in her eye's, bored, lonely. No one speaking with her or even interacting with her. I imagine this is what most of her days are like.
Since she doesn't speak, I guess they see it fit to leave her alone, by herself. I would be very bored as well. This made me, today, very emotional. I care for what happens to my mom. I care that she is bored, that she is alone like this. I care deeply about her happiness.
This is not happy. It seems she is only happy and secure when I am their. This is why she hold my hand all the time and doesn't want to let go. This is why she is so comfortable when I am with her, that she can close her eye's right away, when she grabs my hand.
As I have always said, lonely seniors die sooner. Let us do something about it. This is exactly what I am doing.
No one, as in most people in this world, wants to be like this and be alone, with no one to be their for them. I am sure I am not just speaking for myself. I am speaking for all who read this. Would you want to be in my mother's shoes. Even for one day. I think not!
It is very hard on me. It makes me cry and just give mom big hugs. It makes me cry myself to sleep at nights. Worrying about her well being. Not just her health, but her over all well being.
Is she getting enough attention, are they making sure mom is active, are they doing everything they can to make sure mom has somewhat of a social life. Or are they just leaving her alone. As I feel that is what is happening. Actually, I know that is what happens.
It bothers me, to no end, that I am stuck in Coquitlam, and not living in White Rock, as I should be doing. And not getting any assistance with anything.
Is it to much to ask for, a little help. And now having to deal with the injuries of this accident and the food poisoning. I have not eaten a meal since last Thursday. My stomach is still bothering me. Crackers again.
Now mom ate as much as she wanted to, this evening. I always tell her to eat what you want, if you don't like it, don't eat it. It won't hurt my feelings if what I bring is not something you like. Eat as much or as little as you want. I give mom time to eat. It takes her over an hour to eat dinner. And that is OK. Take your time, there is no rush.
So mom ate as much as she wanted too. While I did the dishes, mom was falling asleep in her chair. And when we got back to her room, I needed to change the sheets. To put on her own sheets.
This is very difficult, using only one arm. Especially one's none dominate arm. But I did it. Mom was asleep, while doing this. And mostly asleep while changing her into her night gown.
I rang the bell for the staff member to come and put her to bed. She left mom uncovered, and cold. I covered mom up, brushed her teeth and gave her the nightly spa treatment. The nurse had to wake her up to give mom her nightly medicine. When the nurse finished, I needed to give mom a drink, to wash that taste away. And back to sleep mom went.
I made sure I stayed until mom was snoring. OK, I am sure she doesn't want anyone knowing she snores.
I sang our nightly good night song to her. As I have been doing for 2 1/2 years, since she has been here. And when I could before.
I can type very well, but with these injuries, I am having to resort to one handed typing. The left hand. And it is taking a very long time to do this.
I started this blog tonight, thinking I would only be writing a little bit. I guess I was wrong.
Need to go. Have to write in my pain journal.
Please pray for mom that I find a place very soon. I really do hate being here now.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
So it was an uneventful day today. Rain and sun. Depending where I was. Trying to do this left handed thing. Very uncomfortable.
Mom was very tried today, when I arrived. Almost asleep in her chair. I could see it in her eye's, bored, lonely. No one speaking with her or even interacting with her. I imagine this is what most of her days are like.
Since she doesn't speak, I guess they see it fit to leave her alone, by herself. I would be very bored as well. This made me, today, very emotional. I care for what happens to my mom. I care that she is bored, that she is alone like this. I care deeply about her happiness.
This is not happy. It seems she is only happy and secure when I am their. This is why she hold my hand all the time and doesn't want to let go. This is why she is so comfortable when I am with her, that she can close her eye's right away, when she grabs my hand.
As I have always said, lonely seniors die sooner. Let us do something about it. This is exactly what I am doing.
No one, as in most people in this world, wants to be like this and be alone, with no one to be their for them. I am sure I am not just speaking for myself. I am speaking for all who read this. Would you want to be in my mother's shoes. Even for one day. I think not!
It is very hard on me. It makes me cry and just give mom big hugs. It makes me cry myself to sleep at nights. Worrying about her well being. Not just her health, but her over all well being.
Is she getting enough attention, are they making sure mom is active, are they doing everything they can to make sure mom has somewhat of a social life. Or are they just leaving her alone. As I feel that is what is happening. Actually, I know that is what happens.
It bothers me, to no end, that I am stuck in Coquitlam, and not living in White Rock, as I should be doing. And not getting any assistance with anything.
Is it to much to ask for, a little help. And now having to deal with the injuries of this accident and the food poisoning. I have not eaten a meal since last Thursday. My stomach is still bothering me. Crackers again.
Now mom ate as much as she wanted to, this evening. I always tell her to eat what you want, if you don't like it, don't eat it. It won't hurt my feelings if what I bring is not something you like. Eat as much or as little as you want. I give mom time to eat. It takes her over an hour to eat dinner. And that is OK. Take your time, there is no rush.
So mom ate as much as she wanted too. While I did the dishes, mom was falling asleep in her chair. And when we got back to her room, I needed to change the sheets. To put on her own sheets.
This is very difficult, using only one arm. Especially one's none dominate arm. But I did it. Mom was asleep, while doing this. And mostly asleep while changing her into her night gown.
I rang the bell for the staff member to come and put her to bed. She left mom uncovered, and cold. I covered mom up, brushed her teeth and gave her the nightly spa treatment. The nurse had to wake her up to give mom her nightly medicine. When the nurse finished, I needed to give mom a drink, to wash that taste away. And back to sleep mom went.
I made sure I stayed until mom was snoring. OK, I am sure she doesn't want anyone knowing she snores.
I sang our nightly good night song to her. As I have been doing for 2 1/2 years, since she has been here. And when I could before.
I can type very well, but with these injuries, I am having to resort to one handed typing. The left hand. And it is taking a very long time to do this.
I started this blog tonight, thinking I would only be writing a little bit. I guess I was wrong.
Need to go. Have to write in my pain journal.
Please pray for mom that I find a place very soon. I really do hate being here now.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Sunday, June 15, 2014
The rain is back, for now
Hello again
So it is raining, and I haven't put on a pair of jeans in weeks and weeks. Felt hot and uncomfortable. Just like putting on the first pair of pants after a long hot summer. Not a good feeling.
I should of worn my shorts and will tomorrow. Regardless if it is raining. As long as I have a water proof jacket and a sweater, I will be fine.
Now it is Saturday, and it is bath day for mom. Which means they give her a bath in the early afternoon and put her back to bed. And today they did not even turn the TV on for her to watch.
I will be bringing this up with the manager. And I will get her a DVD player. As I have been burning disks for her.
And this also means I am washing her sheets and put on the clean one's today. OK , the staff did. I leave them in the drawer and sometimes they are nice enough to do this for me.
I stopped and picked up a nice dinner for mom. Because of the bus accident I am having difficulties cooking for her. This is very expensive. I have to stop doing this.
And I have also been picking up things for her because of the mild case of food poisoning I got . Just want to type this and go to bed when I get home. Can't eat anything much yet. I haven't had a dinner in two day, now it will be three. I just ate crackers last night and it will be the same again tonight. I have some groceries. I just can't eat anything for now.
The nurse I spoke with told me to only eat mild foods and then start off slowly back to what you use to eat. Nothing spicy.
So I am just not in the mood to cook.The cramps in my stomach are insane.
Mom, tonight did not eat all of her dinners, yes I said dinners. The one I brought plus some of the dinner she was served. And I usually will eat what is left of the dinners I bring, if anything is left. Tonight I just threw it out. Not hungry but I am.
Mom ate until she could not eat anymore. She stopped because she new dessert was coming. The papaya and gold kiwi , plus her chocolate, which tonight she only ate 2 of the three pack.
I got her teeth brushed and the staff came to change her. Which gave me time to do the dishes.
I made a mess of her night gown and said I would change her into a new one. Well I am the only one who puts the gowns on her. And tonight I didn't have the time. I was about to do it when the girl came in. If I didn't let her change mom then and there, it would of been a half hour before she came back.
Well mom did not like the girl doing this, she was putting up a fight. So I just stepped in and did it. Mom calmed down right away as soon as I started to do this. It is just the way it is. I am gentle I guess. I don't know.
Now mom was full and starting to fall asleep when I began her spa treatment. Which mean't I needed to be quick or mom would get grumpy. She is tired and now full. She just wanted to relax and listen to the music. Mom just wanted me to be finished so I could hold her hand while she fell asleep. Thats all.
Time for my crackers. The last time I had food poisoning I was incapacitated for a week.Lost a job and in real pain. Someone's home made canned Salmon. And this was many years ago. But I still remember what it felt like. And this pain is the same type of stomach cramps. Thank GOD it is a mild case, but still food poisoning.
OK mom's laundry is almost done, mine is mixed with hers, so I will just get my crackers and butter ready and watch something. I have lots of movies and TV shows on this laptop. Now I have to decide what it is I wish to watch. This is the hard part for me.
To type this I needed to take several breaks, as my right arm gets really sore. At least I can still type. It really does hurt to much to write cursive. And to also draw. Which I started to get back into not long ago. I have been sketching all my life. Since a wee child. and pretty good at it. I also am pissed off that I can't write cursive, because of the pain, as I can't write my ideas for poems I come up with while on the road.
I need something to do this with. I am loosing all sorts of good material. Been writing poetry for many, many years as well.
Have to go now.
Please pray for me that I find a place near mom, very soon. I can deal with the pain. I have had to deal with it for over 10 years now.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I also have to write in my pain journal.
So it is raining, and I haven't put on a pair of jeans in weeks and weeks. Felt hot and uncomfortable. Just like putting on the first pair of pants after a long hot summer. Not a good feeling.
I should of worn my shorts and will tomorrow. Regardless if it is raining. As long as I have a water proof jacket and a sweater, I will be fine.
Now it is Saturday, and it is bath day for mom. Which means they give her a bath in the early afternoon and put her back to bed. And today they did not even turn the TV on for her to watch.
I will be bringing this up with the manager. And I will get her a DVD player. As I have been burning disks for her.
And this also means I am washing her sheets and put on the clean one's today. OK , the staff did. I leave them in the drawer and sometimes they are nice enough to do this for me.
I stopped and picked up a nice dinner for mom. Because of the bus accident I am having difficulties cooking for her. This is very expensive. I have to stop doing this.
And I have also been picking up things for her because of the mild case of food poisoning I got . Just want to type this and go to bed when I get home. Can't eat anything much yet. I haven't had a dinner in two day, now it will be three. I just ate crackers last night and it will be the same again tonight. I have some groceries. I just can't eat anything for now.
The nurse I spoke with told me to only eat mild foods and then start off slowly back to what you use to eat. Nothing spicy.
So I am just not in the mood to cook.The cramps in my stomach are insane.
Mom, tonight did not eat all of her dinners, yes I said dinners. The one I brought plus some of the dinner she was served. And I usually will eat what is left of the dinners I bring, if anything is left. Tonight I just threw it out. Not hungry but I am.
Mom ate until she could not eat anymore. She stopped because she new dessert was coming. The papaya and gold kiwi , plus her chocolate, which tonight she only ate 2 of the three pack.
I got her teeth brushed and the staff came to change her. Which gave me time to do the dishes.
I made a mess of her night gown and said I would change her into a new one. Well I am the only one who puts the gowns on her. And tonight I didn't have the time. I was about to do it when the girl came in. If I didn't let her change mom then and there, it would of been a half hour before she came back.
Well mom did not like the girl doing this, she was putting up a fight. So I just stepped in and did it. Mom calmed down right away as soon as I started to do this. It is just the way it is. I am gentle I guess. I don't know.
Now mom was full and starting to fall asleep when I began her spa treatment. Which mean't I needed to be quick or mom would get grumpy. She is tired and now full. She just wanted to relax and listen to the music. Mom just wanted me to be finished so I could hold her hand while she fell asleep. Thats all.
Time for my crackers. The last time I had food poisoning I was incapacitated for a week.Lost a job and in real pain. Someone's home made canned Salmon. And this was many years ago. But I still remember what it felt like. And this pain is the same type of stomach cramps. Thank GOD it is a mild case, but still food poisoning.
OK mom's laundry is almost done, mine is mixed with hers, so I will just get my crackers and butter ready and watch something. I have lots of movies and TV shows on this laptop. Now I have to decide what it is I wish to watch. This is the hard part for me.
To type this I needed to take several breaks, as my right arm gets really sore. At least I can still type. It really does hurt to much to write cursive. And to also draw. Which I started to get back into not long ago. I have been sketching all my life. Since a wee child. and pretty good at it. I also am pissed off that I can't write cursive, because of the pain, as I can't write my ideas for poems I come up with while on the road.
I need something to do this with. I am loosing all sorts of good material. Been writing poetry for many, many years as well.
Have to go now.
Please pray for me that I find a place near mom, very soon. I can deal with the pain. I have had to deal with it for over 10 years now.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I also have to write in my pain journal.
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