A Saturday

Hello again

All I wanted to do this day was to wonder around and that is just what I did. I had no destination, I just wondered. Didn't achieve much today. Actually, nothing at all. I just did it so I wouldn't think about having a service for mom.

You see that is the only thing I have been thinking about. I cannot move on until this happens. It is out of respect for mom that this has to be done. The girls don't give a, they just don't care. Someone has to care and as it has been for the last dozen years, it is I who cares about what happens and that mom needs to have this done. Her spirit speaks to me, touches my heart. Telling me that she deserves this. My father had a service and why not my mother. The one who took care of all of us. Who was always there, no matter what.

Doesn't this make sense to you. I just need to show mom the respect she deserves. That she is entitled to. No one else is going to do anything. I love my mother and miss her greatly. I don't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her. My life is on hold. Well, actually, I have no idea what my life is going to be now. No idea at all.

You are all well aware of the fact that my entire life was based on one thing. That was to take care of my mother. And I do really miss doing that. I don't know how to take care of myself to well.

I am suffering from extreme depression, I am suffering from extreme anxiety. My OCD is in full gear now. I am breaking out in spots. Everyday, it is the same thing. I am hungry, I have no idea what I am going to eat or what I want to eat. I do have things to cook, but I forget to take anything out of the freezer. Then I get angry, because I am so hungry. I end up eating, well, not very much. It is late, as late as I use to eat. Midnight. I just can't break that habit. I did it for a very long time, Get back at 10:30, write and/or start to make mom something for the next day. Then cook something for myself. So by the time this is all done, I am eating at 12:30 or 1:00 am. and not getting to bed until 3 am. Not a good thing. This has to change.

I have been trying to write a history of mom and who she is. I am doing this so at the service for mom, I can let all know who mom really was. Not this fluff. To tell her story. This I know mom would appreciate very much. I need to get photo's of mom for this as well.

The one thing that I am upset about is all the photo's of mom and dad's wedding and photo's of dad in the army, are, from what the girls are saying, gone. They don't know where they are or who has them. They are not here, they keep telling me. Well I know the truth, they have them. I don't know how I am going to get them, except through court action. I need to do this. They tried to screw me out of a funeral service for mom, by going behind my back. They knew exactly what they were doing, just as they did with dad's service. I will never stop speaking about that, as they have caused me allot of anguish over that. Missing my father's service, as I had no way of getting to Mission. I didn't have a car, and there was no bus running out there, and I couldn't afford the $100 cab fare, there and back. None of them would of come and got me. Of course not, they knew they did this behind my back. Just as they tried to do this with mom.

When the funeral director phoned them and mentioned to them about doing this. They said, "we were going to tell him" knowing full well that getting to Mission is a feet unto it's self. Now, not 9 years ago, there is a way to get out there. I have to go out there and get mom's ashes. This is going to take the entire day to do this. I mean the entire day. Four buses and hours of waiting for the buses. The four buses is just one way, then the same on the way back. I have to leave my home, in White Rock, very early, just to be able to get out to Mission for 1:00 pm. I would say 5 hours to get there and the same or more coming  back. And the one bus doesn't run from Aldergrove to Abbostford that often. Certain times and that is it. This is going to happen this coming week. Only if I can get the two girls to agree upon a day and time. And the time has to be 1:00 pm, No latter or no earlier. I have to take a bus and have to arrange everything around the bus schedule. A dilemma.

I have no even begun to grieve for my mother. I have no idea what stage I am at or anything. I need to walk down the street and speak with the bereavement counselors and make an appointment to see someone.

Well that was my day and what I thought about today. Got to go now

GOD bless and goodnight

Kristopher Schmuland

Now it starts

Hello again

So today I now feel that my grief is starting. I just want to be alone more today than I have been in the last two weeks. And I wanted to be alone then. I am just not trusting anyone right now. I have good reasons not to. Not a single person has stepped up to offer any kind of assistance to me in anyway. Not for comfort or anything.

So I am now going to do things the way I usually do things. And that is alone. I will no longer have any contact with any of the family, as it has been for years. And not even my cousin. That ship has sailed. The only contact I will have is with the girls and that is only to get mom's ashes. And then it will be nothing, Unless we need to see the lawyer. After that I will have no contact with anyone.

I am just going to do what is necessary and that will be that.

I am alone, I knew this before mom passed and it is the same now as it was then. No one around. Shame on the family for not even being there for mom. No visits, no acknowledgment that she is passed on. Nothing from any of them .

I will have a service for mom. Come hell or high water this will happen. I put it in GOD'S hands and GOD will make it happen.

So here I am. No skill set anymore. I am an excellent caregiver. I am good at advocating. Can understand the law. But that is it.

So what it boils down to is I am a nobody, I am nothing.  I don't have any marketable skills. Sure I can write, I write poetry, I can advocate and I am a caregiver. But I don't want to be a caregiver to anyone. It was only mom.

What I knew, I knew it a long time ago. And that is the past. Time to begin again. Now that I am older,

Is all of this necessary. I do feel like I am being punished. I know I am all over the internet. And I don't really see it as favorable to me in a job search.

I just need to grieve now. To figure out what I feel, and how I feel. I know I am feeling extremely guilty for not doing more for mom. Not taking her out enough. Not being there for her enough. I could of done more.

I know why they don't want me in Al Hogg anymore. And it is OK. I guess it will have to be OK. I am not going to fight about it. Will just leave that one alone. I will just leave that in GOD'S hands. Let HIM sort it out. Not up to me.

I am not feeling good about anything. It is becoming more and more difficult for me this last month. I didn't speak with a friend for a week and he called the police on me. To see if I was OK. The police were all over the place looking for me. They found me and I told them what happened and that I am just not in the mood to speak with anyone. Not in the mood to even answer my phone. Which I didn't do. And still not really into answering the phone. Unless I am expecting a call. But what does it matter anyways. No one is calling me.

I am finding that everyone is actually two faced. They were nice to me, but not anymore. Even the one person at Al Hogg I thought would be supportive, turned out to be just another person who doesn't really care.

I am around, but not. I am here, but I am not. At this new place I am in my room again. Nothing changed but the location. Sure they speak English, but they like to watch TV in the dark. Where as I am of the light. I am depressed enough, I don't need to be sitting in the dark. So my room it is . AGAIN.

Because of everything that is wrong with me I am not getting what is needed to be done, Done. I have a list of things that I need to do, but have no motivation to do any of them. I don't want to be here, I just want to find somewhere and sit and read. Drink my tea and that is that.

So I leave you tonight with a sad heart.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

It is now................

Hello again

I am frustrated today. All I want to is to get every photo of mom printed out. They are all on my phone. And do you think it is just that easy to hook the phone up to my computer and view all the photos and transfer them to the London Drugs site. No, not at all. It keeps bringing me to the sony site and I can't find what app it is to view my photos.

I am just not getting it today. Maybe tomorrow I will get it. I was at the store and it was going to be one photo at a time. And I have at least 200 photo's of mom.

Tomorrow is another day.

I am trying to get things started, but I am becoming over whelmed by everything I need to do  I need a new doctor to help me out, so I can get better or at least get some help to be able to get some closure. I know what it is going to take, but I just can't raise the money for it.

And someone said to me lately, you have so many followers, you should be able to get allot of support.

I don't think so. People really don't want to help. Unless it is some big disaster. Not to help the little guy give his mother a memorial service.

This is why I don't really like people. They let you down. They don't live up to what everyone says. People are good, and helpful. Not true.

So that is why I do things myself and I don't want to get to know anyone. Or have any friends. I would rather be alone than be disappointed with people. It has always been this way.

People do not help others. Unless there is something in it for them. Period.

I have only asked for all to donate the amount of a price of coffee.

So I am not only grieving now, I am stuck in a rut and I am in a place that is not good for me. I made a huge mistake moving to this place in White Rock.

Basically I was lied to from the start. I pay for things I don't get. And I have to put up with all the smoke. And not just cigarettes. I don't do anything, and I don't want to be around it. On top of all the BS.

So now I need to find a place again. It will be in White Rock.

It was a day of extreme grieving. I am looking at all the photo's of mom, while trying to download them.

It is not a good day. I am having anxiety issues right now.

Got to go and eat.

GOD bless and good night.

Kris Schmuland.