Hello again
Today I was late getting to see mom. As I was spending time in Vancouver putting up posters around the PGT. I printed out 50. Wait a minute, how can he afford to print these poster's. Well my roommate, has an older printer, but the ink has dried out. Now I have been working with computers since 1984 and I have learned a few things over the years. Just take the ink cartridges out and put them into a baggy. Now place the baggy in hot water. The bottom of the ink cartridges, in the water, let sit for a few hours. And then the ink is working. Put back in and done.
This is what I did And I printed out the 50 pages and tomorrow I will print out another 50. So today, I put up the posters around the PGT office. Did not get everywhere done. Only down one side of the street, and around the building and just went crazy down the alley. And allot of the posters, right where the staff can see them when they leave.
I am going to put them up tomorrow, down to the water front station. Here their is 3 skytrains and a train as well as a sea bus. Now there thousands of people who go through this station every day. And then on Sunday up Granville Street. And Granville Street is a main hub for everything that is going on. It is where everyone in Vancouver goes, when they are down town. And allot of the expensive stores are on Granville.
So I am just starting with the PGT. Yes there is only this coming week. But I have to do what I have to do. And if this is what it takes to have a great Christmas for mom and I, then so be it. I am not sure what is next, starting Monday. But I will know before the weekend is out. I have picket signs made with the same message on it.
Well tonight mom still has not eaten much in weeks now. I really don't know what to do. No one is doing anything about it. Again the only way to solve this is for me to cook for her. She eats allot more, at least.
So tonight, I gave mom another shirt of mine. I knew when I put it on, before I left, that mom was going to get it. So I took it off my back and left it for her. I am glad I wore a t-shirt under the shirt. I only have, well about 4 shirts left to wear. As I have said anything mom wants, mom gets. That is including my last shirt, if that is what she wants. That is just the way it is.
Oh yea, tonight, mom waited for over 45 minutes to go to the washroom and get changed. There is a certain schedule mom and I are on. And when I wash and put lotion on mom's feet, mom is ready for bed. Well I first, put hot water on her feet, then the cleanser, I clean it with a cloth, and after I pour to large water bottles worth of hot water over them and at this point mom is completely relaxed. Rubber legs and all. Mouth wide open type of relaxed. Then tonight they take her to the washroom and get her changed. When I am done with her feet is not the time to take her to the washroom. I really have no problems with the staff, except this is one problem I have.
I did say at the beginning, when mom first got their. I would not write anything negative unless their is something to write about.
Anyway. I really need to prove to you about what I am saying. So her is where mom is:
Mary Schmuland
Peace Arch Hospital
White Rock, BC
Canada.
The Weatherby Pavilion
I don't know the phone number, sorry.
I have to go now. But that is where mom is and my information is on the blog.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
My letter to Santa Clause
Dear Santa
We do not remember days, we remember moments
Well, Santa, if I could have anything I like than this is it.
I would like to win the lottery. I tell you why, Santa. First, 10% is gone to charity. Then I would buy/build a green/healthy house. Set up to be mom friendly. When I say mom friendly, what I mean is wide hall ways, open concept. Put in a elevator
Make mom's bedroom very large. With a king size bed. So what ever way mom rolls she will never fall out. And then re-do her bathroom. And put in that bathtub, that has a door in it for seniors to easily get in and out of. With one of those lift's that put mom in and out of the tub, as well as one for the toilet.
And have the kitchen a open concept area, with room around the island. And bars around the walls, so mom can pull herself around. She does this at Oceanside. This way she can move herself around the ward.
And put in a great exercise room, and hire a physiotherapist, to get mom walking again. As well as a speech therapist, to get mom talking again. I know she can do both. And will do both.
Let mom pick out the furniture. because I am caught up between classical and modern. And have a backyard full of beautiful plants and tree's for the wildlife to live. A water fall or two and a stream.
Now for me, I really don't need much I would like a nice TV, a great stereo, to fill the house with beautiful music. And my geek stuff, you know, computer's and stuff.
Well a car/ SUV so I can take mom around and do things with her. To make sure she has a fantastic life. That she deserves, and has not had so far.
And trust me, I don't want anything expensive. Just a Honda Pilot, so it will last forever.
Well Santa, this is my dream.
But to start with Santa, To make this Christmas fantastic, full of presents for both mom and I. And treats, Dips, breads, cheese's and fruits etc... etc... So mom and I can hang out.
Trust me I don't get the time to just hang out with mom. I love doing what I do for her. But I would like to just hang out for a change. To maybe take her somewhere. Not to be busy,
Gift cards are what we need. For the grocery stores, The Bay, Sears, London Drugs etc....
It is only 9 days until Christmas and it is still looking very bleak for us. Mom does not deserve this.
The PGT Stephen Flynn, wrote me an email today. And in it he stated he had a professional relationship; with my mother. Well first a relationship is two ways. And one would have to speak with, see, and converse with the other person.
Stephen Flynn has never even met my mother. Never spoke to her ever. He has only spoke with the social worker, whose opinion about mom is obscure and without most of the truth about how mom is.
And Stephen tells me they have a relationship. Actually, it is I who has the relationship with the PGT, I am the one who fights with them for the rights of my mother. Who tells them what my mother's wishes are. Who actually cares about my mother's welfare.
And I am the only one who knows my mother's wants and needs. No one else can communicate with her. I know what is best for her. No one else does. It has been proven over and over again.
I know mom wants a great Christmas and so do I. It is about time we do. Mom's clothing keeps disappearing, and I have none left.
Mom is still not eating dinner. Maybe just a very small amount of it. I try to get mom to eat. Again it seems mom only likes it when I make her dinners.
I just want to make mom happy and give mom the things and holidays that she made for us, while growing up. The best holidays. Full of great food and presents and happy memories. I don't know how long my mother can hold on to her present memories or cognitive abilities. But I would really like to make them, well as precious as possible. To have her smile from ear to ear. To bring happiness to her for a change. Considering mom is locked up and committed at the moment and can't go anywhere.
I really don't know what I am trying to say here. I really do love my mother. She has done so much for me all my life. Mom has always been their for me, through all sickness's. And all my sports events.
I really am saying that I would appreciate all the help one can muster. I am a caregiver for my mother and this will never change.
So Please help make this a great Christmas.
My address and my other information is on the blog.
GOD Bless and good night
Kris
We do not remember days, we remember moments
We do not remember days, we remember moments
Well, Santa, if I could have anything I like than this is it.
I would like to win the lottery. I tell you why, Santa. First, 10% is gone to charity. Then I would buy/build a green/healthy house. Set up to be mom friendly. When I say mom friendly, what I mean is wide hall ways, open concept. Put in a elevator
Make mom's bedroom very large. With a king size bed. So what ever way mom rolls she will never fall out. And then re-do her bathroom. And put in that bathtub, that has a door in it for seniors to easily get in and out of. With one of those lift's that put mom in and out of the tub, as well as one for the toilet.
And have the kitchen a open concept area, with room around the island. And bars around the walls, so mom can pull herself around. She does this at Oceanside. This way she can move herself around the ward.
And put in a great exercise room, and hire a physiotherapist, to get mom walking again. As well as a speech therapist, to get mom talking again. I know she can do both. And will do both.
Let mom pick out the furniture. because I am caught up between classical and modern. And have a backyard full of beautiful plants and tree's for the wildlife to live. A water fall or two and a stream.
Now for me, I really don't need much I would like a nice TV, a great stereo, to fill the house with beautiful music. And my geek stuff, you know, computer's and stuff.
Well a car/ SUV so I can take mom around and do things with her. To make sure she has a fantastic life. That she deserves, and has not had so far.
And trust me, I don't want anything expensive. Just a Honda Pilot, so it will last forever.
Well Santa, this is my dream.
But to start with Santa, To make this Christmas fantastic, full of presents for both mom and I. And treats, Dips, breads, cheese's and fruits etc... etc... So mom and I can hang out.
Trust me I don't get the time to just hang out with mom. I love doing what I do for her. But I would like to just hang out for a change. To maybe take her somewhere. Not to be busy,
Gift cards are what we need. For the grocery stores, The Bay, Sears, London Drugs etc....
It is only 9 days until Christmas and it is still looking very bleak for us. Mom does not deserve this.
The PGT Stephen Flynn, wrote me an email today. And in it he stated he had a professional relationship; with my mother. Well first a relationship is two ways. And one would have to speak with, see, and converse with the other person.
Stephen Flynn has never even met my mother. Never spoke to her ever. He has only spoke with the social worker, whose opinion about mom is obscure and without most of the truth about how mom is.
And Stephen tells me they have a relationship. Actually, it is I who has the relationship with the PGT, I am the one who fights with them for the rights of my mother. Who tells them what my mother's wishes are. Who actually cares about my mother's welfare.
And I am the only one who knows my mother's wants and needs. No one else can communicate with her. I know what is best for her. No one else does. It has been proven over and over again.
I know mom wants a great Christmas and so do I. It is about time we do. Mom's clothing keeps disappearing, and I have none left.
Mom is still not eating dinner. Maybe just a very small amount of it. I try to get mom to eat. Again it seems mom only likes it when I make her dinners.
I just want to make mom happy and give mom the things and holidays that she made for us, while growing up. The best holidays. Full of great food and presents and happy memories. I don't know how long my mother can hold on to her present memories or cognitive abilities. But I would really like to make them, well as precious as possible. To have her smile from ear to ear. To bring happiness to her for a change. Considering mom is locked up and committed at the moment and can't go anywhere.
I really don't know what I am trying to say here. I really do love my mother. She has done so much for me all my life. Mom has always been their for me, through all sickness's. And all my sports events.
I really am saying that I would appreciate all the help one can muster. I am a caregiver for my mother and this will never change.
So Please help make this a great Christmas.
My address and my other information is on the blog.
GOD Bless and good night
Kris
We do not remember days, we remember moments
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Could not stop being depressed today
Hello again
Today was not a good day. I am feeling very guilty and depressed. That I can't show mom a great Christmas as she deserves. As the PGT are now Scrooge.
Tonight I could not stop hugging mom, I am feeling so bad that I cannot decorate her room well. That at this time, I see no Christmas day. I will be their and be their with the largest smile on my face. But I would love to, when I arrived at the hospital, have with me a large bag of gifts. And dressed up, so mom can see me dressed.
As it is, mom is still giving me heck about wearing the same thing, day after day.
And tonight on the way home, I was watching a movie, on my none working paper weight of a phone. I still can use it for entertainment as long as I have wifi. Well this attractive women. I think is way out of my league, asked what I was watching, I told her, Hugo. And asked if she wanted to watch it with me. She did, I shared my headset. We talked on the way, as well.
They she asked me my name. And my response, has been for awhile now is this. My name does not matter. I am an unemployed therapist, by choice. Who is a caregiver to my mother who has Dementia and lung cancer. I spend 5-6 hours a day traveling and 2-3 hours a day with her. While I am their, I don't just sit their, I am busy until I put her to bed.
And you know the poverty line, well I am so far below that, I could not even afford to buy you a coffee.
This usually sends them running, tonight she just watched the movie until it was time for her to get off the bus. But the movie was only partially done. I told her that I will pause it and not watch it until the next time I see her. She just said don't bother.
Well I was either a complete asshole. But I do it politely. I have nothing, and nobody close to me and no friends. I don't know why these really attractive women are flirting with me. This is new to me. The thinner I get the more they come out of the wood work. It is nice though. Well in the last year or so, I have lost about 70 lbs.
I really can't afford to even buy them a coffee.
Mom tonight, just loved the fact that I could not stop giving her a hug. And mom was reaching out for hugs as well. Mom liked this
Well today was a Christmas Party at the hospital. I was invited, but I thought I would let my sister have this day. If they even bothered to go. Which I don't know. I will have to phone tomorrow. I hope they did, for mom's sake. I will be their Christmas day. From around 11:00 am until,well 7 pm. I do know on Christmas day. They are eating at 12:00 noon. So mom will probably want a nape after dinner. I can have dinner as well, I have to pay. But I don't usually eat at that time of the day. Besides it has never worked out in the past. So I will just help mom eat. Mom thinks both plates are hers and it is hard to eat and help her as well. But really, I don't eat at that time of the day. When I have groceries So while mom is having a nap, I see what's up in White Rock and South Surrey on Christmas day. We will see.
And speaking with this women today, was the first time I have had a conversation with someone in a while. Besides my mother. It was good, and nice. But the problem is I just don't shut up. As it is when I am with mom. I make mom laugh all the time. Well I trip, I make a mess, I do goofy things. And I admit, I am very weird. I like it like this. I am different and it is OK.
From the moment I get their, I am talking and singing and doing strange things to make mom laugh. I tell mom everything. No difference as when mom did not have this disease. I just speak to her normally. Other's don't get it. This is the way all should speak to everyone.
Tonight I eat oats and brown sugar. We will see. At least it is food. Not like the last two weeks.
So I have to go to bed, I have some important things to do today. And if they get done. I will let you know.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris
Today was not a good day. I am feeling very guilty and depressed. That I can't show mom a great Christmas as she deserves. As the PGT are now Scrooge.
Tonight I could not stop hugging mom, I am feeling so bad that I cannot decorate her room well. That at this time, I see no Christmas day. I will be their and be their with the largest smile on my face. But I would love to, when I arrived at the hospital, have with me a large bag of gifts. And dressed up, so mom can see me dressed.
As it is, mom is still giving me heck about wearing the same thing, day after day.
And tonight on the way home, I was watching a movie, on my none working paper weight of a phone. I still can use it for entertainment as long as I have wifi. Well this attractive women. I think is way out of my league, asked what I was watching, I told her, Hugo. And asked if she wanted to watch it with me. She did, I shared my headset. We talked on the way, as well.
They she asked me my name. And my response, has been for awhile now is this. My name does not matter. I am an unemployed therapist, by choice. Who is a caregiver to my mother who has Dementia and lung cancer. I spend 5-6 hours a day traveling and 2-3 hours a day with her. While I am their, I don't just sit their, I am busy until I put her to bed.
And you know the poverty line, well I am so far below that, I could not even afford to buy you a coffee.
This usually sends them running, tonight she just watched the movie until it was time for her to get off the bus. But the movie was only partially done. I told her that I will pause it and not watch it until the next time I see her. She just said don't bother.
Well I was either a complete asshole. But I do it politely. I have nothing, and nobody close to me and no friends. I don't know why these really attractive women are flirting with me. This is new to me. The thinner I get the more they come out of the wood work. It is nice though. Well in the last year or so, I have lost about 70 lbs.
I really can't afford to even buy them a coffee.
Mom tonight, just loved the fact that I could not stop giving her a hug. And mom was reaching out for hugs as well. Mom liked this
Well today was a Christmas Party at the hospital. I was invited, but I thought I would let my sister have this day. If they even bothered to go. Which I don't know. I will have to phone tomorrow. I hope they did, for mom's sake. I will be their Christmas day. From around 11:00 am until,well 7 pm. I do know on Christmas day. They are eating at 12:00 noon. So mom will probably want a nape after dinner. I can have dinner as well, I have to pay. But I don't usually eat at that time of the day. Besides it has never worked out in the past. So I will just help mom eat. Mom thinks both plates are hers and it is hard to eat and help her as well. But really, I don't eat at that time of the day. When I have groceries So while mom is having a nap, I see what's up in White Rock and South Surrey on Christmas day. We will see.
And speaking with this women today, was the first time I have had a conversation with someone in a while. Besides my mother. It was good, and nice. But the problem is I just don't shut up. As it is when I am with mom. I make mom laugh all the time. Well I trip, I make a mess, I do goofy things. And I admit, I am very weird. I like it like this. I am different and it is OK.
From the moment I get their, I am talking and singing and doing strange things to make mom laugh. I tell mom everything. No difference as when mom did not have this disease. I just speak to her normally. Other's don't get it. This is the way all should speak to everyone.
Tonight I eat oats and brown sugar. We will see. At least it is food. Not like the last two weeks.
So I have to go to bed, I have some important things to do today. And if they get done. I will let you know.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I am very angry and can't take it anymore
Hello again
I would like to first start out by giving you some holiday safety items
Unplug everything before you leave
Don't put any of your present box's out in the trash. It is the best way for a thief to see what goodies you got for Christmas. Take them to the recycling centre.
Now tonight. I was waiting for the bus to come home from downtown and this attractive girl says to me.. Aren't you cold. I said, but yes I am. Shouldn't you put something warmer on. And my response, the polite one, was I would if I could, but this is all I have, so this is what I wear. I wanted to tell her that yea, I am and what business is it of yours. Go away. That is exactly what I wanted to say. But I gave the polite answer. She did not know what to say after that. She just walked away.
Now, I am very cold, and it is no thanks to the PGT, and Stephen Flynn and his breaking of his promises that leaves me cold and mom to be without a Christmas. I am pissed off like crazy at him, and i was entertaining thoughts which I never think of. I still am thinking about them, But they will never happen. I do not believe in violence. But I do believe in action and it is time to take action, if I actually want a Christmas for mom, and to get warm clothing, for me.
If I don't do something about it, I will be a chicken shit and not worth anything. As it is I see that I am as worthless as I thought I was. Well just by the lack of response I have been receiving. Thanks, makes me feel great. NOT
At least I can admit it, but my mother does not deserve this treatment. Do not hold the sins of the son against the mother.
My mother has been the kindest and warmest person I know. Yes everyone says this.
I need to give her the best Christmas every and next year even better. What also bugs me is that everyone their knows mom goes to bed at 7PM and we are on a schedule. And if I put her to bed latter than 7 mom gets mad, And tries to take a swing at me.
The problem is, that I start getting mom completely relaxed and she has to go to the bathroom, right after dinner. And no one takes her. Then after she is relaxed, after I do her feet they come to take her to the washroom and get changed. At this point, mom is almost ready for bed And very relaxed, I mean extremely relaxed.
As tonight, they noticed how relaxed and ready for bed she was and took her late. And while she was with the staff, in the washroom, Mom must of been pissed off, because it was so long waiting for this. She punched one of the staff members. Look I am sorry mom punched her. And I did tell mom,please don't punch anyone, as the more you get mad, the longer we will be here You need to be calm. So we can get you out of here. And on the other hand, I have mentioned many, many times that mom needs to go after dinner and mom has a schedule. Last night they gave me shit, for putting lotion on her hands and arms, before they took her to get changed. I did say that we were waiting for along time and I have things I need to get done, before I put her to bed by 7PM. and this waiting so long gets mom and I both upset.
Now getting mom up and walking, well what they told me was a bunch of who-wee. Mom needs to walk and it is I who is going to do this for her. I will need to have a meeting with someone.
Well, in the last three weeks I have only had one conversation with anyone, besides my mother. It is not good. And I find my need to not be touched and having my space is increasing ten fold.
I just don't see where this is going. What I am to do. Is the question I am asking myself and seeking. I wait for the miracle, and I wait on GOD.
I have never been this stressed out and have never had such a bad Christmas season to date. Yes I know it is 10 days away. But I need to get help now.
Anyways, I still do not bring this pissed off attitude into the hospital with me. It is left at the door. I put on a smile. And just be as polite as possible before I even get to the hospital.
So please, I am desperately seeking.
GOD bless and good night
Kris
I would like to first start out by giving you some holiday safety items
Unplug everything before you leave
Don't put any of your present box's out in the trash. It is the best way for a thief to see what goodies you got for Christmas. Take them to the recycling centre.
Now tonight. I was waiting for the bus to come home from downtown and this attractive girl says to me.. Aren't you cold. I said, but yes I am. Shouldn't you put something warmer on. And my response, the polite one, was I would if I could, but this is all I have, so this is what I wear. I wanted to tell her that yea, I am and what business is it of yours. Go away. That is exactly what I wanted to say. But I gave the polite answer. She did not know what to say after that. She just walked away.
Now, I am very cold, and it is no thanks to the PGT, and Stephen Flynn and his breaking of his promises that leaves me cold and mom to be without a Christmas. I am pissed off like crazy at him, and i was entertaining thoughts which I never think of. I still am thinking about them, But they will never happen. I do not believe in violence. But I do believe in action and it is time to take action, if I actually want a Christmas for mom, and to get warm clothing, for me.
If I don't do something about it, I will be a chicken shit and not worth anything. As it is I see that I am as worthless as I thought I was. Well just by the lack of response I have been receiving. Thanks, makes me feel great. NOT
At least I can admit it, but my mother does not deserve this treatment. Do not hold the sins of the son against the mother.
My mother has been the kindest and warmest person I know. Yes everyone says this.
I need to give her the best Christmas every and next year even better. What also bugs me is that everyone their knows mom goes to bed at 7PM and we are on a schedule. And if I put her to bed latter than 7 mom gets mad, And tries to take a swing at me.
The problem is, that I start getting mom completely relaxed and she has to go to the bathroom, right after dinner. And no one takes her. Then after she is relaxed, after I do her feet they come to take her to the washroom and get changed. At this point, mom is almost ready for bed And very relaxed, I mean extremely relaxed.
As tonight, they noticed how relaxed and ready for bed she was and took her late. And while she was with the staff, in the washroom, Mom must of been pissed off, because it was so long waiting for this. She punched one of the staff members. Look I am sorry mom punched her. And I did tell mom,please don't punch anyone, as the more you get mad, the longer we will be here You need to be calm. So we can get you out of here. And on the other hand, I have mentioned many, many times that mom needs to go after dinner and mom has a schedule. Last night they gave me shit, for putting lotion on her hands and arms, before they took her to get changed. I did say that we were waiting for along time and I have things I need to get done, before I put her to bed by 7PM. and this waiting so long gets mom and I both upset.
Now getting mom up and walking, well what they told me was a bunch of who-wee. Mom needs to walk and it is I who is going to do this for her. I will need to have a meeting with someone.
Well, in the last three weeks I have only had one conversation with anyone, besides my mother. It is not good. And I find my need to not be touched and having my space is increasing ten fold.
I just don't see where this is going. What I am to do. Is the question I am asking myself and seeking. I wait for the miracle, and I wait on GOD.
I have never been this stressed out and have never had such a bad Christmas season to date. Yes I know it is 10 days away. But I need to get help now.
Anyways, I still do not bring this pissed off attitude into the hospital with me. It is left at the door. I put on a smile. And just be as polite as possible before I even get to the hospital.
So please, I am desperately seeking.
GOD bless and good night
Kris
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
11 days before Christmas and I am freaking out.
Hello again
Tonight mom was giving me shit, because I am wearing the same sweater for the last, well. 40 days. And she was upset that I am just wearing the same clothing day after day after day. She knows the only thing I change is the Tee-shirt to one of the four that I own.
I just said to her, this is what I have and I have to money to buy anything else. The PGT Stephen Flynn has broken more promises than I can count. Or has lied about what he tells me. And says one thing and does another and denies that he said anything at all. I should have $10,000.00 now, but Stephen Flynn of the PGT cannot tell the truth, or keep his word.
So I just said, yes it is the same thing, but what is most important is that I am here and get here to see you. That is the most important thing for me. Yes I have been wearing the same things for months and months now, the same two pair of jeans and well the same pull over soft shell. It is OK, It does the trick. Sort of. But I won't tell mom how cold I actually am. It is very, very cold out.
And yes these jeans are falling apart. They are tearing away. One side of one of the two pairs is riped down the seam on the left thigh. The other the pocket is riping on the outside and both pockets are shot. Can't put anything in them.
So tonight mom had roast beef. This she liked and this is good. But this is the only meal she ate completely in weeks. And who knows tomorrow what it will be for dinner. I really wish I could just cook her meals and bring them to her.
Mom is really upset that this is all I have for clothing. She is use to seeing me in suits and ties and dressed up all the time. But, you know times change. One day I hope to be wearing better clothing again. But in the mean time, this is what I wear. Cold or not, dressed like a bum, or homeless person is all OK. As long as I get to go see my mother. It does not matter, as I have said I will be their no matter what. I will be their.
So Christmas is only, well less than two weeks away, and I should be ready and have all of what is needed, but not this year, nor last year. It is a shame that this is happening. Mom deserves so much more than this nothing of a Christmas we are going to have. This year I had a plan and that was to give mom allot of gifts. Since most of her clothing is gone. And mom needs new things. I have been window shopping and well I have found allot of things for mom at the Bay, on sale. And yes window shopping for myself.
Since I am rarely eating I am getting smaller and smaller. For the first time, I think in my life. I looked into the mirror the other day. And I noticed I was getting smaller. I went Crap I am smaller.
Well I have gone from a size 38 pants to a size 34 and I went from a X-Large shirt to a medium. This is a first to me. I have been thin before, But I never noticed it before as I did the other day. It does make for an interesting dilemma.
So time has come for me to go to bed. I am really having a hard time staying awake. The not eating thing is catching up with me.
GOD bless and good night
\
Kris
Tonight mom was giving me shit, because I am wearing the same sweater for the last, well. 40 days. And she was upset that I am just wearing the same clothing day after day after day. She knows the only thing I change is the Tee-shirt to one of the four that I own.
I just said to her, this is what I have and I have to money to buy anything else. The PGT Stephen Flynn has broken more promises than I can count. Or has lied about what he tells me. And says one thing and does another and denies that he said anything at all. I should have $10,000.00 now, but Stephen Flynn of the PGT cannot tell the truth, or keep his word.
So I just said, yes it is the same thing, but what is most important is that I am here and get here to see you. That is the most important thing for me. Yes I have been wearing the same things for months and months now, the same two pair of jeans and well the same pull over soft shell. It is OK, It does the trick. Sort of. But I won't tell mom how cold I actually am. It is very, very cold out.
And yes these jeans are falling apart. They are tearing away. One side of one of the two pairs is riped down the seam on the left thigh. The other the pocket is riping on the outside and both pockets are shot. Can't put anything in them.
So tonight mom had roast beef. This she liked and this is good. But this is the only meal she ate completely in weeks. And who knows tomorrow what it will be for dinner. I really wish I could just cook her meals and bring them to her.
Mom is really upset that this is all I have for clothing. She is use to seeing me in suits and ties and dressed up all the time. But, you know times change. One day I hope to be wearing better clothing again. But in the mean time, this is what I wear. Cold or not, dressed like a bum, or homeless person is all OK. As long as I get to go see my mother. It does not matter, as I have said I will be their no matter what. I will be their.
So Christmas is only, well less than two weeks away, and I should be ready and have all of what is needed, but not this year, nor last year. It is a shame that this is happening. Mom deserves so much more than this nothing of a Christmas we are going to have. This year I had a plan and that was to give mom allot of gifts. Since most of her clothing is gone. And mom needs new things. I have been window shopping and well I have found allot of things for mom at the Bay, on sale. And yes window shopping for myself.
Since I am rarely eating I am getting smaller and smaller. For the first time, I think in my life. I looked into the mirror the other day. And I noticed I was getting smaller. I went Crap I am smaller.
Well I have gone from a size 38 pants to a size 34 and I went from a X-Large shirt to a medium. This is a first to me. I have been thin before, But I never noticed it before as I did the other day. It does make for an interesting dilemma.
So time has come for me to go to bed. I am really having a hard time staying awake. The not eating thing is catching up with me.
GOD bless and good night
\
Kris
Monday, December 12, 2011
12 days of Christmas, and not a creature in the house
Hello again
It is cold out their. And there are dark and lonely days ahead for me. There are 12 days until Christmas and I have nothing to make my mother's Christmas special. Also I really froze out there tonight. I don't have enough of any articles of clothing or jacket to keep me warm out their.
I wish mom would eat more. Tonight mom barely ate anything. She did not even finish her lemon pie. It was an OK dinner tonight. No flavour though.
I really wish I could afford to bring mom some home cooked meals. At least she ate them. It has been to long now, since mom ate a whole meal. Mom is becoming increasingly tired.
I, when I leave White Rock am just completely depressed. I need to find an answer to this problem, of no Christmas presents, no groceries to make mom dinners, and no anything for Christmas.
I hate this feeling of nothingness of feeling as though there is a very large whole in my life.
I will tell you that I leave these feelings at the door when I get to the hospital to visit mom.
Can anyone even understand what I am saying.
I don't know, since there is becoming less and less people reading my blog daily. Only 19 of you read me yesterday, I really wish everyone would understand my commitment to my mother. And how it is important for me to shower mom with gifts this Christmas.
I have nothing to give her, bring her, do for her, and over all I just want it to be the best Christmas ever..
I send my best to y`all and may you find it in your hearts to send it my way. Anything, gift cards, groceries at my door. Cheque`s in the mail box etc..... etc .......
GOD bless and good night
Kris
12 days left
It is cold out their. And there are dark and lonely days ahead for me. There are 12 days until Christmas and I have nothing to make my mother's Christmas special. Also I really froze out there tonight. I don't have enough of any articles of clothing or jacket to keep me warm out their.
I wish mom would eat more. Tonight mom barely ate anything. She did not even finish her lemon pie. It was an OK dinner tonight. No flavour though.
I really wish I could afford to bring mom some home cooked meals. At least she ate them. It has been to long now, since mom ate a whole meal. Mom is becoming increasingly tired.
I, when I leave White Rock am just completely depressed. I need to find an answer to this problem, of no Christmas presents, no groceries to make mom dinners, and no anything for Christmas.
I hate this feeling of nothingness of feeling as though there is a very large whole in my life.
I will tell you that I leave these feelings at the door when I get to the hospital to visit mom.
Can anyone even understand what I am saying.
I don't know, since there is becoming less and less people reading my blog daily. Only 19 of you read me yesterday, I really wish everyone would understand my commitment to my mother. And how it is important for me to shower mom with gifts this Christmas.
I have nothing to give her, bring her, do for her, and over all I just want it to be the best Christmas ever..
I send my best to y`all and may you find it in your hearts to send it my way. Anything, gift cards, groceries at my door. Cheque`s in the mail box etc..... etc .......
GOD bless and good night
Kris
12 days left
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Less and less
Hello Again
I was speaking with a bus driver friend, on my way home tonight and he asked me where I was coming from. I told him White Rock. And he asked me if I go everyday. Yes I told him. And he said that I am a good son. I just replied, that it is not that I am a good son. My mother deserves my time and attention. It is my mother who is a good mother. She raised me and it is my turn to take care of her. Without even thinking about it. I have no reservations about doing this either.
After he said to me. Now a days no one would do what you do. They are to selfish and to into themselves. They are all about me, me, me. That is OK I said. I do this as I do not know how many years or months I have left with my mother and I plan on doing whatever it takes to do all I can for her.
Now that includes begging you all for help this Christmas season, asking for assistance so I can make mom's Christmas great. To help me keep warm and dry, while traveling to see my mother everyday. To make sure mom eats everyday. And not for me to force her to eat that hospital food. I just can't do it.
To see this Christmas full of presents and of good cheer. To see a huge smile on my mother's face, to see her full, To see her eat everyday.
And for me to be warm and dry, both my feet and the rest of me. To maybe have something for myself for once. To maybe have a Turkey dinner, at home, after I visit mom. To maybe have something, or allot of presents under the tree.
Maybe a great Christmas for a change. I am injured and I hurt all the time. And it is getting worse. But it is OK. I can deal with this.
I have two nicknames.
1: DARKMAN
2: HOUSE
Pet peeves
People answering the phone while we are talking
Someone not saying thanks when I open the door for them.
People walking to slow and not thinking of the other's behind them, taking up the entire isle.
People not understanding that I only have a few years left with my mother. And I do this because of this. And my father and grandfather died of this horrible disease
It is a nasty disease, when you watch your mother lose the ability to use a fork and knife, or even a spoon, To watch her not be able to even lift a drink up to her mouth. As mom has done in the last few months. Gone! To not be able to even take herself to the washroom, and have to rely on other's to do this. And wait and wait, for someone to help. As it has been for sometime now. Mom goes to bed at 7PM and their are things that have to be done first, before I put her to bed.
To know that your mother cannot speak, properly, for no one to understand her. To see that frustration on her face, as this happens. Totally have to rely on the assistance of other's. And when they don't care, mom has to suffer.
To have someone, completely take over your fiances, and don't care what you think or not. And not allowing one to even have the basic of necessities or to even eat something good. As the PGT and Stephen Flynn does.
To know that someday, your mother might not even know who you are. To feel extreme, emotional and mental pain, as one watches this happen to their loved one.
This is what I deal with everyday. And yes, their are days when it is hard to even hold back the tears, while visiting. And then crying after leaving. Because it is so painful. Which I have done so many times.
I have learned to do so many things over the years, as in a manicure, some makeup, facials, learning to communicate with mom even though I use to not be able to understand her. Caring and compassion. Loving unconditionally, without thinking about it.
I have never been moved to action like this before. To self sacrifice. Wait a minute, it is not self sacrificing anything. It is being their for someone, something I was not very good at this before. I am learning more and more about myself everyday, and I am finally changing for the good.
I will have to go now, I need to get up Early, and it is 1AM and I think I wrote enough.
GOD bless and good night
Kris
Don't forget Stephen Fylnn of the PGT is a major cause of our frustration.
I was speaking with a bus driver friend, on my way home tonight and he asked me where I was coming from. I told him White Rock. And he asked me if I go everyday. Yes I told him. And he said that I am a good son. I just replied, that it is not that I am a good son. My mother deserves my time and attention. It is my mother who is a good mother. She raised me and it is my turn to take care of her. Without even thinking about it. I have no reservations about doing this either.
After he said to me. Now a days no one would do what you do. They are to selfish and to into themselves. They are all about me, me, me. That is OK I said. I do this as I do not know how many years or months I have left with my mother and I plan on doing whatever it takes to do all I can for her.
Now that includes begging you all for help this Christmas season, asking for assistance so I can make mom's Christmas great. To help me keep warm and dry, while traveling to see my mother everyday. To make sure mom eats everyday. And not for me to force her to eat that hospital food. I just can't do it.
To see this Christmas full of presents and of good cheer. To see a huge smile on my mother's face, to see her full, To see her eat everyday.
And for me to be warm and dry, both my feet and the rest of me. To maybe have something for myself for once. To maybe have a Turkey dinner, at home, after I visit mom. To maybe have something, or allot of presents under the tree.
Maybe a great Christmas for a change. I am injured and I hurt all the time. And it is getting worse. But it is OK. I can deal with this.
I have two nicknames.
1: DARKMAN
2: HOUSE
Pet peeves
People answering the phone while we are talking
Someone not saying thanks when I open the door for them.
People walking to slow and not thinking of the other's behind them, taking up the entire isle.
People not understanding that I only have a few years left with my mother. And I do this because of this. And my father and grandfather died of this horrible disease
It is a nasty disease, when you watch your mother lose the ability to use a fork and knife, or even a spoon, To watch her not be able to even lift a drink up to her mouth. As mom has done in the last few months. Gone! To not be able to even take herself to the washroom, and have to rely on other's to do this. And wait and wait, for someone to help. As it has been for sometime now. Mom goes to bed at 7PM and their are things that have to be done first, before I put her to bed.
To know that your mother cannot speak, properly, for no one to understand her. To see that frustration on her face, as this happens. Totally have to rely on the assistance of other's. And when they don't care, mom has to suffer.
To have someone, completely take over your fiances, and don't care what you think or not. And not allowing one to even have the basic of necessities or to even eat something good. As the PGT and Stephen Flynn does.
To know that someday, your mother might not even know who you are. To feel extreme, emotional and mental pain, as one watches this happen to their loved one.
This is what I deal with everyday. And yes, their are days when it is hard to even hold back the tears, while visiting. And then crying after leaving. Because it is so painful. Which I have done so many times.
I have learned to do so many things over the years, as in a manicure, some makeup, facials, learning to communicate with mom even though I use to not be able to understand her. Caring and compassion. Loving unconditionally, without thinking about it.
I have never been moved to action like this before. To self sacrifice. Wait a minute, it is not self sacrificing anything. It is being their for someone, something I was not very good at this before. I am learning more and more about myself everyday, and I am finally changing for the good.
I will have to go now, I need to get up Early, and it is 1AM and I think I wrote enough.
GOD bless and good night
Kris
Don't forget Stephen Fylnn of the PGT is a major cause of our frustration.
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