A very nice day in White Rock

Hello again

I can honestly say that I am in denial over my diagnosis. I have been walking around today, saying to myself that I don't have Parkinson's, I don't have Parkinson's. I can't have Parkinson's. So I have not moved on past denial yet. I have not told anyone. Except I have written it down here. So I guess I have told all who have read my blog in the last week or so. But no one else. The reality is there is no one to tell. I have no friends. They all left me years ago. Some because I look after my mother and this is what I feel, I should say I know this is what I should be doing. The others, I just didn't care. And still don't care. I tried to contact them, but they didn't return my calls. I will try someone three times and if they don't return my calls by then. I stop calling. Period. And I am not going to tell any of the staff where mom is. They don't care. In fact it might make things worse. They might think I am not capable of taking care of my mother. I just have a resting tremor and sometimes my right hand doesn't work properly. Other than that I am fine.

It is not very often one gets an opportunity to do something that matters with their lives. And I have such an opportunity. I will not be the one looking back and crying because I should of spent more time with my parent before they passed away. No I will be the one crying because I lost a parent that I loved and cared for. You all know someone who has serious regrets after their mother or father passed away. That is not me. Many, many people think I am not doing the right thing with my life. But I really don't care. This is what I have to do. I feel it deep down in my soul. I have the time because of my disabilities and now having Parkinson's.

Yes I would like to thank the person from Brunei who has read my Blog. I can say that I was and still am ignorant of knowledge of your country. If you should read this again. Please write, I would really like to know more about your country. In fact I would like to know more about each country from all who read this Blog,

You don't get an accurate assessment of one's country from reading it Online. It is surprising the different opinion of someone's country from speaking with a citizen.

OK Mom is doing well. Happy to see me and hold my hand. I din't write last night just to depressed.

Now it is Friday and another day to wash and style her hair. I did a great job tonight. Mom looked beautiful when I was done. This doesn't mean she doesn't look beautiful all the time.

I arrive a little bit early. I brought a nice meal, The usual, get mom something to drink as soon as possible. Mom is always so parched when I arrive. I don't think they give her anything to drink all afternoon. I am going to ask them this. And make sure mom is getting plenty of liquids through out the day.

I stayed latter this evening, as I just wanted to spend more time with mom. I didn't care what time it was when I got home. Didn't do to bad.

Mom was very happy with her hair doo. And she was very relaxed afterwards, but not asleep like she is allot of times. It was very warm in this place tonight. I had to open mom's window when I got there. Fresh air is always good for everyone. Especially mom, who doesn't really get any if I don't take her out side. Another reason I need to be living there.

I really hate coming back her each night. Really hate it. And I don't hate much.

So when done with mom's hair this evening. I just got her changed and the care aid came in to put her into bed. Perfect timing.

After this, the usual spa treatment. Then gave mom more to drink. And stood there holding her hand and talking with her. Mom was still awake, but just wanted to hold my hand close to her and listen to me speak with her.

So, so beautiful it is!

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

Getting there I guess

Hello again

Besides the almost breakdown in the pharmacy the other day. Where I shed a few tears. There has been nothing. I would of thought that I would have had a good cry. Instead I am just concentrating on taking care of my mother. I think she knows there is something up with me. But I will not tell her.

All I know is I am going to fight it until the bitter end. The worse part is, again, not having anyone to talk to about what I am going through. Mentally. Or someone to hug. Okay, I really don't like to be touched by anyone except my mother.

Now tonight mom was very tired when I arrived. I could see this in her face. All she wanted was to have dinner and go to bed. I mean right than and there. Sorry I couldn't accommodate her.I know I wasn't anywhere near as fast as mom wanted me to be, in feeding her and getting her ready for bed.

Because they put mom to bed at 2 pm on Monday, she wasn't able to get her hair done, so being Wednesday, it was important for me to do this for her.

Well I brought her to her room, after I took everything out of the fridge for her. Gave her something to drink and a little snack before dinner. I did everything as fast as possible. I warmed her dinner up and then I feed her. By the time the served dinner came around, mom was just about done with her dinner and we were just about to start dessert. This was done and mom was getting upset that I was taking so long to get her hair done. There was no wasting time this evening. No singing to her, just get this done and get me ready for bed. That was her instructions.

Remember I read mom very well. I know what she is saying. I complied. It was get mom  to the tub room, get her ready to have her hair washed and wash her hair and dry it. I put a warm blanket on her while I am washing her hair. And today, by the time I was finished drying her hair. Mom was almost asleep. Eye's closed.

And when I brought her back to her room to change her. I do believe she was asleep. She was very relaxed when I changed her and very accommodating.

So I only did her face and arms for the spa treatment. Doing anymore would upset her to much. This was plenty.

I then just held her hand and gave her something else to drink before I packed up for the night. And it was fast asleep for mom. Heavy breathing, almost a snore.  But she will maintain a tight grip on my hand, even when she is asleep.

I did write last night as I was trying to come to terms with this disease. Reading more about it. I did really want to shed some tears, but nothing. I just don't get that. I am alone, with nothing, with nobody. Again mostly my doing.

I really hate coming back here at night.

Please pray for mom and I. It is time to be living out their. I can't predict how slow or fast this disease will hit me. I have a none curable disease. Wow, that is allot to take in.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

Not yet

Hello again

So it has been 4 days since I found out I have Parkinson's Disease and I am still not ready to accept this or deal with it. I have, however, had  the prescription filled. It is in my bag, so I have it with me all the time. That is if I wish to start taking it.  When I picked the prescription up  I had some question for the pharmacist about drug interaction. While speaking with the pharmacist, I noticed the pharmacy assistants looking over at me. They knew why I was getting this drug. They didn't look happy for me and the pharmacist either. He kept apologizing to me. At this point all I have is to just let it digest. Come to terms with it. I almost broke down in the drug store today. I could feel a few drops of tears trickling down my face. I stopped that in a hurry. I am not ready to deal with this yet. Who knows I may have my moment of acceptance this evening. I have almost cried a few times tonight. But not in front of mom. I will never tell mom about this.

Now I also had to have another CT scan done today, so I was out there early. It only took 10 minuets to get the CT scan done. Then I needed to wait until 4 pm for this deli to open so I could get the rest of mom's dinner.

As soon as 4 pm hit I was at the deli and got what was needed and headed off to mom's After all of this I got there not as early as I thought I would.

But mom was in bed. Apparently mom had an accident and was put into bed at 2 pm. I really don't like it when they do this. She didn't even get her hair done today, because of this.

Well we did have a good dinner. During the dinner though, I fed mom something and she started to cough. This caused mom to choke. I was freaked out. I rubbed her throat, then leaned her forward as much as I could, being in bed, and patted her back. It took 10 minutes to get her back to normal. Breathing normal. Mom was breathing throughout the whole ordeal, but choking none the less.

Finally mom was able to take some water. Maybe it wasn't 10 minutes. It seemed like a long time. I let her rest, gave her some more to drink and rubbed her throat more. She was okay. Thank GOD.

She was okay, she wanted her dessert. The papaya and her chocolates. I did feed her very slowly, so she didn't choke anymore.

When the LPN came in I informed her of this, so she would keep and eye open. Just in case. One never knows.

I hugged mom and then proceeded to give her the nightly spa treatment. I know mom looks forward to this. And especially since I added the neck massage to the routine.

Mom was tired though. And she just wanted to sleep. And wanted me to go. Mom lets me know when it is time for me to go. She doesn't do this often, but once in a while.

I did leave. I got home early, but here it is 11 pm and I still have a few things to do, before I sit down and watch something.

Please pray that I find a place in White Rock. Especially now. I need to be closer.

I am upset. OK pissed off that I have this. No cure for Parkinson's. Just treatment. But treatment by taking drugs that have side effects.

GOD bless and good night

Now is the time I feel GOD should be blessing me. Since everyone tells me GOD will bless you. Well it is time. The worse part of this is, I have no one to talk with about this nor do I have anyone to help me with this. It is going to be a very lonely journey. My doing I guess.

Kristopher Schmuland