Lets be real

Hello again

So I was writing about individuals not being able to do the job of caregiver. Don't get me wrong, it is not something that everyone can handle. I am not putting down my sisters in anyway.

I get depressed, I cry, I feel worthless for not being able to do more for mom. I go without ( gladly) I spend many hours traveling. Yet it is all worth every minute of the time spent with mom. I know I can handle every bit of it.

Today mom was not so tired. She ate a little bit more tonight. She just loves Papaya. I also brought her prawns in a pepper butter sauce. Again I am not a fan of prawns. These are for mom and mom only. I don't have anything for dinner. It is all OK though. What I get for mom is strictly for mom and is not mine to use etc...

As I have said I, for the last several days I have been staying and holding mom's hand while she falls asleep. When I do leave, mom is sound asleep. But tonight they did not give mom her nightly medication before I left. This is what I try to make sure mom gets before I leave for the night. This way after I finish her spa treatment I just want mom to relax and just drift off to sleep and get as much rest as she can before she is awaken in the middle of the night.

It is moms Birthday, as mentioned, Friday. And I am getting nervous. OK maybe not nervous, I just want it to be a great day for her. I will do what I can for her.

I need to print out the letters I have for the manager of the Al Hogg pavilion. Concerning the nurse and moving the roommate. I asked mom tonight if she liked her roommate and she said clearly, NO! I am not a fan of hers either. Don't get me wrong. She is a nice enough lady. But not to be a roommate for mom. It is affecting mom's health and I won't stand for this.

I have been procrastinating about these letter's. As the place keeps making threats against me. That they will stop me from seeing mom. But when I thinks about it. Has anything stopped me before. No, I never backed down before and won't do it now. If they try to stop me from seeing mom. I go start to the RCMP and have them charged with abuse. Mom needs me to be their.

Or something like that. But I am sure it won't come to this. They know I write this, and write everything down that happens.

Anyway, I am delirious right now. My knee's are killing me. So I need to take something for the pain and go to bed.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Fear

Hello again

What is fear to me

I am afraid that I will get a phone call in the middle of the night telling me that mom is very sick. And me not being able to get out to White Rock for hours and hours

I am afraid that one night I will be holding her hand and it will be the last time, I get to hold her hand

I am afraid that my sister's are going to try to cremate my mother, when she whats to be buried

I am afraid that I am not going to out live my mother

I am afraid that if I don't stand up to the staff at Al Hogg that they will kill mom, with neglect.

That is a little bit of the fear that I have

Now I know that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. It is hard work. Well not really. I know my sister's don't have it in them to do what I do for mom.

It is better that someone that does not have it in them, to look after someone, not be a caregiver. Than for them to do this and not be able to do what is needed without getting frustrated and/or burnt out. Or take it out on their loved one.

People tell me I am sacrificing allot. I am not sacrificing anything. I choose to do this and very happy that I am doing this.

They tell me that I should have a life. I have a life. I take care of mom.

And with regarding to any relationships I have given up on the whole relationship thing. I have now cancelled all my subscriptions to dating sites. I have no desire to do this. It has already been many, many years since my last meaningful relationship. All, since, have not worked out, past a few months.

To be honest I just don't want one.

Now I have a single wish, one wish and one wish only. That is to win the lottery, buy a van with a wheelchair ramp. Get a house, fix it up to accommodate a wheelchair. And take care of mom full time.

This is what I pray for every night. Besides thanking GOD for healing mom, that she can now walk, talk, use her left arm. That her Dementia is healed, that her left arm is healed, that her speech is healed. I thank GOD that HE covers her with HIS white light of armour. That HIS guardian angles are standing, protecting her at all times.

I have thought about this over and over again. And this is all I wish for in life. To take care of my mother full time. I don't want any other thing in my life. I need to do this. To take care of mom full time.

I want to be there when she wakes up in the morning, Take her all over the place and see this city. Take her to all her appointments, to see specialists. To make sure everything that can be done for her is done.

I wish nothing else in life.

I don't care if I eat, have clothing that fits, shoes that don't have holes in them. I will make do with what I have. I can live on tea, and have many, many times.

Mom's Birthday is this Friday. October 12. Mom will be 83 years young. And looks 15 years younger than she is.

Mom's name is Mary. I have asked my twitter followers if they would like too. Send mom Birthday wishes. If they wish.

I am asking you if you could do the same.

I am not rich, and want to do something special for her. I am not sure what. This is why I have asked for this. So if anyone does do this. To include where they are from. So I can read them to mom and let her know where these Birthday wishes are from.

This would be a great thing. I am going to try to do what I can for her. She needs things. And I don't have money to get them. I do have until Friday to get something happening.

I don't know how many Birthdays mom has left. GOD forbid that she lives for many, many more years.

So it is almost 1 am and I need to go to bed. I could not sleep until 4 am last night and got up to my land lady banging on my door at 9:30 am. So I am very tired.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

This is

Hello again

So now I am done. I am tired of everyone telling me to do this and to do that.

I have a job, and it is the best job anyone could ask for  It is actually not a job. It is a great opportunity to do  something that is an added value to someone else's life.

GOD says to honour your mother and father, to honour the widow. Well this is exactly what I am doing.

It is 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I leave my home at 1pm and by the time I get to the Al Hogg pavilion it is 4:30pm. This includes stopping along the way, at different stores, to get the fresh items for mom, for that day. Then I get their and wipe the sleet from her eye's, clean what is on her face, from lunch. Feed her dinner. And then get her changed and put her into bed. And every other day I wash her hair. I give her a daily spa treatment. Which includes brushing her teeth, washing her face, neck, arms and legs. Applying different lotions to each area. Brush her hair. At the same time, sing to her, play music for her.

Now I am staying with her, holding her hand, until she falls asleep. Then I leave. I am their with mom for 3 or 4 hours. Every single day. Then I leave and come home, another 3 hours of bus travel.  So figure it out. About 12 hour days for me.

And it is all good. I don't complain about this at all. I do, however, complain about not eating for days at a time. But whatever. I still don't eat and nothing, no matter what I do, solves the problem. So I just don't eat. I live on tea. And when I can, nuts and seeds.

Mom, tonight was very happy that I am staying, holding her hand, until she falls asleep. And this is what I did. And mom was sound asleep when I left. But the roommate was not in the room when I finished the spa treatment. And did not come back until mom was asleep. But this doesn't mean mom will stay asleep. The roommate, immediately started to ask me questions, talking away. Lights on. I do understand that the lights need to be on while they get her into bed. But the rest of the night. The lights should not be on.

It seems that, because mom can't voice her opinion, they don't give a crap about her needs.

I am mom's voice and I speak for her. They are not getting it. Mom does not like her roommate. Period. And the more she is bothered, the less mom likes her. Mom may not speak as we do. But mom speaks with dozens of micro expressions on her face. She speaks with her eye's. And every other form of non verbal communication This I read. I read people extremely well. I have been know as a human lie detector. I remember conversations. Almost word for word

But I digress. It is time for me to end this for today.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland