Hello again
I was going to write tonight that if I am alone on Christmas day it will have to be OK.
I do wish this Christmas would of been different, that someone would of reached out to me and surprised me with, well just some company. A person to talk to, not just for a few minutes, but go and just talk. About whatever. I thought I had faith in humanity, but I guess I was wrong.
I thought I believed in miracles, but that is out the window now. What miracle. I pray every night for a miracle. A financial miracle. A miracle that I would not be alone on Christmas day. That there would be something in my mailbox. A card from a stranger, a book from someone. Telling me it is OK, that I do understand that you are lonely. That we are here for you. Don't be afraid, there are many of us who are there for you...
But I guess I was wrong again. The past Christmas's it didn't matter if I was alone at home, because I spent the days with my mother.... And I traveled back and forth to see her, 3 hours each way. So when I got back to Coquitlam, I was tired. So being alone was OK with me.... But now, I am truly alone and there is no traveling back and forth to see and take care of my mother. There is only myself and walking, bus rides to nowhere and back. Not even a conversation with a stranger. I guess people are all to busy to speak with a desperate soul. I am sure they see my desperation. It must be all over my face, that I need someone to talk to and and be around. Hasn't happened.
I went to the church I have been going to, tonight. A Christmas eve service. One person wished me a merry Christmas, and of course no one spoke to me... Not even a pastor. They know who I am... Again everyone is to busy getting ready for Christmas to speak to a lonely stranger. They are with there families and couples are shopping together.
I never really knew how loneliness was so horrible.
I just prayed that this year, without my mother, people would step up to help me. Isn't this the time of year of giving without anything in return. It is suppose to be............ But not really.
The church kept speaking about giving to the community, helping those are in need. The desperate, the needy, I thought they were speaking about me, that I would be called up to the stage. I was just dreaming and maybe just wishing that something like that would happen. Only in my imagination.
I pray each night that I could get the help I need, the direction I need, the person that I would run into that would be who I need at that time to point me in a direction that would lead me to another person and so on...
Now I have one day left before Christmas to see if there really is humanity in this world. That someone does care that I am alone and lonely. That I don't have, well anything. I really do mean anything. OK I have what I need,including turkey, to make for Christmas day. But I would prefer to be with others that day. But again as I have stated earlier on this post, that I will make the whole deal and eat it by myself Christmas day. Because that is the way I see it happening.
Only a day left. I am checking my mailbox daily,lately. I don't usually check it everyday. The guy at the UPS store keeps asking me if I am waiting for something special. No I reply, just checking. I don't know what to tell the guy. I won't tell him I am desperate and am just thinking someone would send me something for Christmas. That I am just expecting humanity to step up and be real. Real to me anyways.
Look it is just me dreaming and wishing. That is all. I don't know what else to say about that. I will check again tomorrow.
Now to the bad to worse. I am on the verge of being homeless. I am behind in my rent, no thanks to my friend, well ex friend now, moving out. He knew I couldn't afford this place by myself. And I haven't heard from him since he moved out. Nice don't you think,leaving me high and dry. I am behind in my rent, I can't even afford to eat, pay for a monthly bus pass, Even buy a decent winter coat. I am cold, I put so much on each day, it is hard to move.
I just don't know what to do now. I can't afford to move. I have no money to move or a damage deposit or rent. I am giving my landlord every bit of money I get. I keep nothing for myself. I am selling things and giving that money to him as well. Just desperate now.... I will try to speak to him about this. But I do think anything will come from it. They were away for a few days and tonight they got back, he sent me a text message asking me for the rest of the rent and I hope it doesn't happen again. I can catch up and maybe a little bit for next month, but not all of it. I just don't have that kind of money. OK I don't have any money.
Now this accident has really done me in.... I can no longer do anything for work that involves lifting anything. I am getting pinching in my neck. Last night I thought I was having a heart attack. I was about to call 911 when everything calmed down. But my chest is sore today. I am afraid to lift anything, It is my neck and I don't want to become paralyzed. I am worried about that. Some weird things happening. I think next week I might go to the emergency room. I am tired of the headaches.
If anyone out there has anything or any ideas of what I am going to do, Please let me know. My address will be listed as I have been doing
Just ideas would be nice.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada
V3B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
