I lost my faith

Hello again

So now that I have my learners license, I have to find a car to take the road test in. Going to be very difficult.

And back to the no news. I have not seen any of my friends this week. OK so called friends. The one all he wants to do is eat at the same restaurant everyday. Or down at a restaurant on the beach. Been there done that. No more. I am tired of doing that. So I guess I won't be seeing him anymore. And the others live in Vancouver and a married couple. So I don't see them much, anyways.

I thought I had more friends than that. But I was wrong. It is OK though, I don't want to see anyone anyways.

I just want my own place and to just be alone. Yes alone. So I can just be the nobody that I am. I  want to have a nice place and not mess it up. Maybe start to date. Yes that would mean I would have to let someone touch me. Which I don't like to be touched by anyone. I don't like to be hugged or to shake hands. I don't like people. If I want to talk to people I can just go out.

I don't have a problem making friends. It is keeping them. That's the problem. I don't put any energy into it. An example. this women named La, was standing by the bus stop by herself. I was across the street. I could of gone over there and got to know her better. We have seen each other on the bus many times and she always smiles at me. I ran into her in the mall one day and she immediately spoke up and said hi, I spoke with her a bit and found out where she works. But I didn't do anything about it tonight. This is what I mean. No energy into making any moves or putting in the time. I just don't want too.

Now my faith. I am not in a place I should be in GOD knows that. I have been doing my part, looking, phoning places. I just thought GOD would guide me or help me in anyway. But no. I am left alone. HE knows I want my own place and HE should be helping me. But no.

So I don't have any faith left. I read the word and pray.

I just wish my mother was still around. I would have a purpose for my life. Now not so much. Nothing will ever beat what I did. So I guess there is no point in even trying.

I am done for tonight

Good night

Kris Schmuland

Horrendous guilt

Hello again

I was speaking with the grief counselor today and it came down to this horrendous guilt I have. I feel guilt that I did not take mom out for walks more often. I feel guilt that I did not do more, when it counted, as in feeding her towards the end of her life and making sure she had everything. I believe that my mother would still be alive if I would of pressed the issue with Al Hogg and filed a complaint against them for not allowing me to feed her and for them not finding out, until  it was to late, that mom had a Bladder Infection.

I feel extreme guilt that I can't give my mother a memorial/funeral service. To bury her.

We spoke on this for most of the session. He tells me that I should not be feeling guilty about anything. That I did more for my mother than anyone else would of. I didn't do enough. Period.

We spoke on my situation. I can't speak to him about anything but my grief. I am still hurting allot. I don't see the end coming anytime soon. I don't know when I will break down, or where.

My mother deserves respect and I can't give it to her. I don't have the money to give my mother a proper service. I didn't do enough for her. I could of done more.

I know she is gone. I have her ashes in my closet. The doors are open and I see her everyday. I talk to her. I say good morning and good night to her. She is always on my mind.

I have so much to do in my life now, that I am frozen. I am not getting much done at all. I should be trying to get another doctors appointment.

I am trying to get my learner now. I went all the way to the licensing bureau. 50 minutes from my place. And then waited for 1/2 only to be told that they stopped giving these tests at 3:30 that there is a sign. My response was I tried to call but I kept getting the main ICBC line. If I could of called, I would not of wasted my time, coming all the way down here. I could of done something else I need to do.

OK I am mad and very upset today.

I realized I have no faith left. I am not being guided in anyway.

So

Good night

Kris Schmuland

I miss my mother and just have too

Hello again

Today has been not to bad for me. I am OK but still depressed over the loss of my mother. Extremely depressed.

I was in Vancouver today booking an appointment to have this computer fixed. Ever since I used the fix me stick, it is just not working properly. The darn thing wrecked my computer. No updates, other programs stopped working.

I missed my doctors appointment this past Friday and now have to go in and try to get to see him again. This is a new doctor. So I don't know. I have to get up early to go and get some blood work done. Before drinking anything. So after I write this, I will have to not have anything to drink through the night. Fasting they say.

I have so many things to do. After the appointment to fix my computer I am going to the drivers bureau again to take the road sign test. Yes I need to practice this. Take the Online tests.

I am getting very worried. I have so many things to do all at once. It is stopping me cold. Prying eyes is making me not write the way I want. Can't wait.

Now I sit here crying some more. Thinking about mom. I watched a movie the other night. Miracles from Heaven, and I could not stop crying through out the movie. You see I pray everyday. I talk to GOD through out my day. And I don't see any results, nothing guiding me. No action in my  life. I am trying. I haven't yet seen my mother. I believe in this. I expect to see her for a visit. But nothing yet. I can understand she doesn't want to come here to visit me. I should of trusted my gut. But no.....

You know, I did do much with my life before taking care of mom. Most would call me a looser. Some would call me lazy. I have been in 8 car accidents in my life. None my fault and I have been injured in 5 of them. Now the greatest thing I have ever done with my life is taking care of and looking after my mother. I can recall nothing more important that I did. Now  it is over and I am back to being a looser. I don't have real friends. I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time. I have nothing. I am disabled and hurt all the time, all day and all night. But some say you only walk with a cane, you are not disabled. They don't see the rest. The physical pain, the mental pain that I am in. The emotional and spiritual pain that surrounds me each and every day.The depression that I feel. etc.....

And it is getting worse. I can't even give my mother a memorial service.

I will ask again for your help.

https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk please help make this happen for my mother.

I am going now, I need to sleep. I am not in a mood to eat at all. I am gaining weight again and have no idea why. I don't eat allot

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmualand