It has just been a long week

Hello again

I spent most of last night and this morning going through mom's pictures which I downloaded to a usb drive. I have to go through them one by one to see which one's I wanted printed. Still have allot to go through. There are over 700 photo's on this USB drive.

And through out it all I was having to take breaks because I was crying to much. It is still very hard on me. It has only been, almost 4 months. I have not yet begun to grieve over the loss of my mother.

I am in a horrible living situation. And yes it is my fault, once again, I screwed up. I just wanted out of where I was and I knew about this place last fall, but I had a bad feeling about it. And it was exactly what I thought it was going to be.

I have mom's ashes in my room, And I am worried about them. I am worried about everything I have.

We are being evicted. Not due to me. I pay my rent in full, but the other's don't and the one in charge of paying the bills, spends the money and then lies about it. What does she think that I am not going to know she is lying to me. So here I am I now need a place to live. They want me to continue to live with them. They want me to move to a new place with them. Not going to happen.

Anyways. I realize that I have not even begun to grieve for mom. A little crying. OK allot of crying. But not taking any steps to solve this.

I am on the phone all the time, trying to find someone to assist me with this. There is suppose to be allot of help out there. But where. I can't seem to find it. I just want to speak with a psychiatrist. that's all. Or a psychologist. I need to speak to one.

I have no one else to speak with. Not a soul. I am truly alone in this world now. With no one by my side. No one to even talk to or have someone just sit and listen or just sit with me, while I cry or go through this crap.

I really miss my mother. Really badly. My life as I knew it is over. I don't even have what it takes to make a start with this new beginning.

I have nothing I am nothing and I have no one, and I have no way to do this. I am stuck and I don't want this anymore. I am done with this BS.

I can't even give my mother and service she deserves. I don't even have the rent money to move to a new place.

I am sure my mother is looking down from above, shaking her head. Saying what kind of person have I raised.

I know I did the right thing by taking care of my mother and I would never of changed that and I don't regret doing it. It was the right thing to do. Honor you mother and father. Look after your parents. It was my chose. I just thought there would be honor in doing this. Yet what I get from other's is get a job, there is no need to grieve.

I am done

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

I am really not

Hello againmorrio

For the last few days I have been so full of anxiety that I couldn't even write. I have been extremely angry and frustrated. I don't even want to listen to people talk to me. They are just pissing me off. The crap that comes out of some people's mouths. It makes me want to just tell them to shut up. So I don't answer them. And walk away. What would you have me do. Tell them that they are just.............  or walk away and keep my big mouth shut

I really miss my mother. I just don't want to be around anymore. And that is the truth. I have no one that is close to me to speak with. Access to metal health is none existent. Tomorrow morning I am suppose to go to this workshop group or something like that, On depression and anxiety. To listen to other's talk about there depression and anxiety. Really.

I need a psychiatrist not a group talking about what I already know. This is pissing me off already and I haven't even gone to a single group. Or whatever

I don't need to hear about other's depression. I am living it now.

Even though mom had her problems, we still did speak. No I never brought up my problems around her. She had so much more going on than my little problems.

I am so very pissed off at Al Hogg. I still think they gave mom something the night she passed away. It was so quick after I got back from the staff changing mom. This is when I believe they gave her something. They didn't even want me in the room.

So for me to get justice I have requested all of her records from the moment she arrived in White Rock until the time of her passing. Everything.

When I asked for the records, the staff member asked what I wanted. Everything. She said even the nurses notes. I answered, especially the nurses notes.

I just need to bring a copy of the will to them to photocopy it.

This I will do tomorrow, after this whatever it is .

I have to go  now. I cannot continue to write as I am so full of anxiety and anger. I need to sleep but I don't think I will be able too.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Mother's Day 2016

Hello again

Today was and is a very sad day for me. I have had allot of episodes of just crying. It is the first Mother's Day without my mom.

Very difficult day for me. I just went out to North Vancouver. I was with three friends but that didn't make any difference. I needed to go off by myself to just be alone. I think today was not a very good day to be around people. I was not in a good mood, didn't speak much. In fact I tried to just go off on my own. Find a quiet spot to reflect.

I did buy mom a card and some flowers. I have her ashes in my closet. I can see them, I have so much stuff I can't close the closet door, so they are visible. Well the urn is in a box and a bag. But I put the card in the box, right next to her urn.

I have been shacking and depressed all day long. No smiles from me. I have been hungry, but I did want to eat. Not in the mood.

It is a hard day, as I did everything I could to make each Mother's Day special for mom. A beautiful home cooked meal. Flowers she loved and a card that reflects my love for my mother.

It really makes me know that I am lost and alone. I have no family, that I call family. I have a few friends. They are nice and treat me with respect. But I am still not over the passing of my mother and there are many days that I feel very alone. Even being around people.

It is surprising that no one, not a soul called me today to see if I was doing OK. NO ONE. I am very disappointed at that. Just goes to show you that I am truly alone. And I have no one on my side or no one who even cares if I am well or not.

Just as I have said in the past. I will just have to do everything alone, as I have always done. This is devastating to me. I have been nothing but suffering from extreme anxiety all week long. And it hasn't stopped.

I wish I could just go. I wish I could just buy a home, by a lake and that will be that. Bury mom and dad on my property. Well I don't think that. But bury mom and dad above my grandparents, as they want to be. I don't even have the funds to give my mother a service.

This is what I wanted for them. To be buried above my grandparents and today I would of went and visited them and brought some flowers for them . Mom and dad.

But no.

Mom always loved the way I did up Mother's day for her. Always a huge smile from the moment I arrived until she fell asleep at night.

That is the biggest thing I miss, is holding her hand, while she fell asleep at night. Knowing that when her hand loosened, mom would be asleep. And it would be OK for me to go. I did this every single night for her. Mom always reached out for my hand at night. She wouldn't even get comfortable until I was holding her hand, while she lay in bed.

I am crying now............... It is to painful for me to bare. I don't want to be without her. I need my mother back. GOD is not helping me, I see that. I am nothing and going nowhere very fast. I don't have a thing or no one in my life.

I haven't had a girlfriend in over 15 years, actually more than that.

I am so lost without my mother around. Even though everyone said she had Dementia, mom was still a strong voice in my life. She understood what was going on. And she knew I was not going to even bother with a girlfriend while I looked after her.

And it didn't bother me at all. I wanted it this way. I only wanted to take care of my mother. And that was it. Nothing else mattered to me. Nothing.

And I made sure mom understood that she was first and I would always be there for her. I was going to do everything I possibly could to keep her alive and for her to know she was loved.

I didn't though. I didn't fight hard enough. I feel really guilty. I just don't want to be around anymore.

I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

I need to go now. I have to try to eat something

GOD bless and good night

I need a miracle.

Kristopher Schmuland