The end of the week

Hello again

Well Friday and it was another day of not being able to bring mom any dinner or dessert at all. I couldn't even get her red lindt chocolate, milk chocolate. I just couldn't afford it at other stores. So I bought her a different variety. Because it was .99 cents at London Drugs.

I feel so ashamed that I have not been able to bring her a home cooked meal.That mom is so use to. I have only brought a few dinners in the last few weeks. And she has had to eat the served dinners. Mom was not to impressed with it. As mentioned the other day, she is looking for something else.

I gave her a bowl of cereal today, before dinner. The stuff I have been living off of for the last few days. $1.25 at the dollar store. Mom somewhat enjoyed it. And she ate all of the served dinner. It seemed she was full. I know she understands. I didn't explain how actually broke I have been, living on crackers for the last. One pack per day. That is all I could eat. That is it. But I couldn't afford a box of crackers, so I had to buy the cereal.  For the last two weeks, maybe a little longer. I have not had a meal in that time.

But mom has been okay. I brought what I could and she had the served dinner.

I am feeling guilty and ashamed about this. I have not cried this much in a very long time. I can honestly say I am hungry. I have lost 10 pounds.

Yesterday mom was feeling allot of pain in her left arm. The staff tend to roll mom onto her left side. And I have told them not to do this. It is her bad arm and it hurts her. Which she was in pain yesterday. I asked the staff if there is anything to give her, but just the normal Tylenol. Not good enough. It doesn't help and won't help her. I have asked to have the doctor prescribe something for those times when mom's arm hurts.

Still today nothing has been done. That is how they look after the residents.. NOT AT ALL..............

When I leave at night, mom is usually sound asleep, Not last night. Her arm hurt to much.

But tonight after dinner and having her hair washed, mom did become tired. And when I left she was asleep. I am glad about this.

She needed it.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I know I am going to bed hungry again tonight. And have no groceries to make her something. The last of her chocolate and papaya.

I am so not impressed with our society anymore. What a selfish society it is. You will donate for someone to take a trip, engineers to put up billboards saying they look like engineers. But to actually help someone in need. To selfish for this. Helping me doesn't benefit you. You don't get anything out of helping me. But that is what is expected these days. Something for you. Instead of seeing the need and helping out. But you will give hundreds of dollars for some ludicrous thing.  Such as another video game. But to give a few dollars from each of you, to help someone hear better. There is just nothing in it for you.  The me society.

I am not impressed at all. This will only bring you grief. GOD remembers what you do.

It is disgusting at best.  It is the poorer nations that help each other the most. We may have everything, but we actually have nothing. We don't have a soul. That is a dangerous thing.

I will not stop speaking this way. When it is the truth.

www.Gofundme.com/yugmns

If you find that a part of you still has a soul. That is where you can go.

GOD bless and goodnight

Kris

I feel so bad

Hello again

As I mentioned, I think in my last post, that I could not bring mom anything. I ran out of her papaya, and other items. I could not even bring her a dessert.

And last night while eating and when we finished dinner. Mom was expecting something else. She kept looking up and the shelf, which I usually put desserts or other things. As there is not room for much on her bed table or night stand. But she kept looking up there. I had to break her heart by continuing telling her I have nothing to give you,I don't have any dessert for you. The look on her face each time I said these things to her was extremely heart breaking to me. I started to cry when I went and did the dishes. I couldn't let mom see me cry like that.

I didn't have a dinner for her. last night. But tonight I did and nothing for tomorrow. I got a little bit of money today. By the time I bought mom her papaya, avocado, a dessert, some drinks and her dinner. I was broke. There is nothing left for me to buy any groceries. So I go without. Remember I have always stated, that mom is first and I am last. I do have a little bit of rice in the fridge from last night. Plain white rice. This will do for me.

I am saddened by the fact I can't even bring mom some dinner tomorrow. I still need to get her some of her Lindt Chocolate which she has every night. I have $3.93 cents in my bank. Enough for 2 of her chocolates. I have no idea what I will do after that.

I have been saying for a while now, that my life is falling apart, piece by piece. There is just nothing. I have nothing and no way of getting anything.

I desperately need hearing aids. I started a fund raising campaign and nothing. I  spoke with a lawyer the yesterday and the only way I can properly make decisions for mom is to have, what is know as Committee of Person. And I have to go to court and apply to be this person. Mom is deemed incapacitated, so in order to make proper decision for her, I need to go to court and apply for this. Using the substitute decision act, only goes so far.

This will cost me up to $5000.00 This on top of needing $7650.00 for hearing aids. RIGHT

I will put this up as a fund raising campaign as well. I hope this has better luck than the one for hearing aids. Which by the way is a month old and not a penny has been donated. Over 400 people have viewed it, but no donations.

I just want to hear. I miss music, without having to turn it up to the point it doesn't sound good anymore. Since I don't have a stereo. I use my computer and well we know what that sounds like. So I can't listen to music anymore.

Well anyways mom was able to have a good dinner this evening. And I brought her a dessert. Some is left for tomorrow. She kept holding my hand close to her and every time I needed to let go, she raise her hand for me to grab and hold on to it again. Mom just didn't want to let go. I think she knows I don't have any groceries for myself.  I certainly have not said anything to her or even implied it. I feed her, I sing to her while feeding her. We talk and laugh.

I have stated this so many times. That when I arrive there. I leave everything at the door. I put on my happy face and smile. I am polite to everyone. I talk laugh. When I am there, my world is only about mom. and nothing else. Nothing. I only bring up the good or the weird things that have happened to me that day. And if there is nothing good that has happened, it is the weird that I bring up.

Only smiles and happiness around mom. I don't want to bring any burdens upon her. My world is my mother. And I am fine with that.

I do have dreams. But small dreams. One is to be living in White Rock and the other is to have hearing aids. That is it. Simple dreams.

I don't need new furniture. I have somethings. Enough for now. I have a loveseat, chair, bedroom suite.(very old) and a few other things. GOOD ENOUGH Oh yea, my laptop and an old CRT TV. and a printer. I am set.

Now I am going now. I am about to have an emotional moment from writing this tonight. I have nothing for her dinner tomorrow.

Please donate to www.Gofundme.com/yugmns for my hearing aids

Kris

Again

Hello again

I have been home for awhile now, just to damn depressed to write anything. I thought maybe it might help. I don't think so.

I feel so guilty not being able to bring mom a nice dinner tonight or tomorrow. Nor can I bring her a papaya tomorrow. We had some kiwi oranges. But not anymore. So no fruit at all.

I was asked what was wrong, before I said anything I excuse myself and just said I needed to go. Which was true. To catch my bus. I just got to the stop in time.

While there, people were saying why are you so quiet. And asking if I was OK. I just said no, I am not. Why they ask. I said it is okay,

I am quiet when things are going this wrong. They ask what is wrong. I wanted to tell them what isn't. Even mom's new roommates daughter said I looked stressed.

Really I thought. She did ask if there was anything she could do. I just replied NO. Nothing you can do.

Mom on the other hand, understood. Was smiles and happy I was there anyways. We had to wait for the served dinner. That was OK though. When I went to get it, the staff was cleaning up and had left over vegetables. I got some of them. As mom's vegetables were, well, mush. And mom enjoyed these.

As well as her dessert. I wish though. I wish.

I got her changed and we settled down for our wait. I held her hand, she gripped my hand tightly. And just listened to music.

Then her complete spa treatment. And then just held her hand for awhile afterwards. Made mom feel good and myself as well.

I am done now for the night.

I am extremely upset and guilt ridden.

Kris

White Rock here I am

Hello again

Here I am sitting on White Rock waiting for a miracle to happen. Not bloody likely. Today is the first time I do not have papaya for mom. Nor a dinner. I sit feeling guilty that I don't have these things for mom. I just feel like crying my eyes out.

I know mom will be expecting something nice for dinner.

I am a Christian and am told to wait upon the Lord and he will supply all your needs. Well it is still hot here in the Lowermainland and on top of everything my fan stops working this morning. My little space will be very hot this evening when I get home. That fan is the only thing that helps me sleep at night. Not for the cool air, but for the noise

I am waiting and have been waiting and waiting for a very long time. Nothing I do everything I can. Take one step and GOD will take the next few. This is what I am told. In his word and by others.

I just want to take care of mom. I need to be closer to her and I need hearing aids

I know mom will be very thirsty when I arrive. We are running out of drinks as well. Her different varieties. Needed to throw a couple out last night. To old.

So we wait. Not good for mom

Not a good day for the pain I am in. Or for my hearing.

Not sure yet what mom's day is like, not there yet. I do hope it is going allot better than mine. At least she will have the served dinner.

I will try to find some dessert for her

I really am not feeling any love. It is a very lonely existence some times

Until latter

Kris

Another hot day

Hello again

Well another hot one today. As soon as I arrived at mom's and got her down to her room. I needed to turn the fan on. And give mom something to drink.

 I didn't have much to bring her today. I just could afford a scotch pie. Which she didn't like. So mom ate the served dinner. And that is what it will be for the next few days. Not even papaya for her. I have never missed a day of giving my papaya, yet. In the 4 years she has been there. I am very upset about this. I have trusted GOD to meet all of my needs. And I don't care if I eat. As long as mom has her fruit I am good with that. But no. Not going to happen as far as I can see. I guess I will have to wait and see.

As soon as mom saw me, the warmth of her smile, brought me to tears today. And I couldn't stop telling her I loved her and couldn't stop hugging her. I needed to tell her there is nothing wrong with her. I just needed to tell her how much I love her and give her big hugs. I needed it. Mom was OK with this.

Well after dinner mom became very tired. The music went on.  She held my hand, tightly, while we waited for the staff to come. She just kept looking at me today and smiling. I loved this.


This is a very hard disease to deal with. Not just for mom. For all who have loved one's with Alzheimer's

I am stopping this for tonight. I am going to bed, since my fridge is empty. I am just going to bed and forget about this day. Except for my mother's love.

GOD bless and good night

Please help me with my campaign. www.Gofundme.com/yugmns

Kris