I really am just a very big

Hello again

It seems to me that I am have been a very big disappointment to everyone my whole life. Hell I am even a disappointment to myself. Every time I think I am getting somewhere, I turn around and ruin whatever forward movement I am achieving, by my actions or lack of action.

I am just extremely depressed of late. I am injured once again in an accident and it seems that I can't even do allot of things anymore. For now. I see my doctor today, this morning. Yet it really doesn't matter if I see him or not. Sure I will tell him what has been happening and what I can and cannot do right now. But it still doesn't help the fact that I will be getting an eviction notice at the end of this month.

Just can't pay all of the rent, behind and unless I get a financial miracle, I will continue to be behind in my rent for next month. I have given my landlord everything I have and more. I have sold everything I have to sell and it is not enough.

I have tried to get a job, I keep applying, even though the doctor tells me I am not to work. I have applied for disability, but no word on that yet. I am going this morning to drop off an application for assisted, subsidized housing. Who knows about that, only GOD. and it seems I am nothing but a disappointment to GOD as well.

The truth be told, the only good thing I have done in my life was to take care of and be there for my mother. That is it.


I just have no idea what is wrong with me. I know I am grieving for my mother's loss. One year at the end of this month, since mom passed away. And I am such a looser that I can't even give her a memorial service.

But that is not helping me from becoming homeless.

Whatever! I guess I shouldn't even be thinking that way.

Everyone tells me to wait for GOD. I am waiting and waiting. What is happening is that I am going further down the hole. I don't see any help.

So...................................

GOD bless and good night.

Kris Schmuland

If only I had a...........

Hello again

I am not sure if it is even worth writing still or anymore. I do it as I am use to writing and it is part of my life.

It is very  difficult for me these last weeks and it is becoming more difficult for me as it draws closer to my mother's one year anniversary..Just depressed. Just missing mom. Know that the home didn't catch the infection in time. even with my insistence that mom is ill. Wrongful death. And the home giving mom morphine after me telling them not to. Wrongful death

I am talking away to mom, I am thinking about her all the time. I am trying to find a group or more counseling.

I have no one to speak to about this. Even the pastors at church. They just don't get it.

This I need. Someone to speak with.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland