The weather is changing and so am I

Hello again

I brought mom's tree out to her today, It was so heavy, especially since I am already carrying two bags as it is.  I set the tree up. Now tomorrow/today I will put the lights up.

Mom helped me with the tree. She held one end while I pulled the branches down and then she turned the tree while I was puffing the tree up. Pulling all the branches down.

Mom was really tired today. The roommate had a serious hallucination episode last night. This keeps mom up, or wakes her up.

I really had to try to get her to eat, she did, with reservations. But ate anyways. Have to keep her strength up.

I really have to have another word with the manager about this. Something needs to be done, until they move the roommate. Or speak with her daughters about this. This has to be handled with a delicate touch.

I got her ready for bed and then her spa treatment. At least the LPN gives mom her nightly medication early. So mom can just fall off to sleep. And mom was completely asleep when I left this evening.

Trying to make something for dinner. I am still not really that hungry, since I threw my back out. And it still hurts. My hearing is really off. Well this way I don't have to listen to anyone.

I really dislike December. The Christmas season. Besides mom, I am all alone. OK, I am all alone, all the time, but it is the holiday season and it is worse at this time of the year. I come to the place where I sleep and nothing, no one.

Thank GOD I have mom. Otherwise, well you have read it already, so I won't repeat it.

Late again, and I really need some sleep. I have been waking up every few hours and then waking up at 8 AM after maybe 3 hours of sleep. Not good.

And I am even having a difficult time writing this tonight. Hands aren't working properly.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

HELLO!

Hello again

So I was in a great mood, feeling happy. Then I got off the bus close to my house and this great cloud of depression feel upon me. A shadow of darkness, one that makes you want to sit down, right where you are and just stay there. Knowing that I am coming to this place were I reside, to emptiness, despair and loneliness. Void of any human contact...... Walking in knowing there is a mess that is not of my making. Isolated in a room.

Seeing, on the way back, all of these people with presents under their arms, counting on the joy of the faces when they are opened. Knowing that I am not able to do this in anyway what soever. Not seeing faces of joy.

Mom is fine, she ate really well tonight. Plus it was a yellow papaya again. Mom ate it with hesitation.

The care aid was late getting mom to bed, which gives me less time to just hold her hand, making sure she falls asleep with comfort and warmth.

I apologized to her for not being able to stay longer.  It really does bother me greatly. I am at a loss.

Mom needs things and I just don't have it, to make this happen. And of course the PGT is at their same old bullshit. Not replying to my emails. They must be trained in the Scrooge method of dealing with people at this time of the year. To ignore them and keep up with the crap they like to hand out.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

Christmas is to early

Hello again

I may be depressed at this time of the year. Oh who am I kidding, I am depressed most of the time. Because of my situation, of having nothing and being so far away from where my mother lives, and not getting any help, doing everything by myself etc........

Well if anyone is to do it, it should be me, as I know what I am doing. Brilliant is one word to describe myself. Yes I may be depressed but I know how intelligent I am. Maybe part of the problem. Arrogant!

Not! I am a humble man who only wants to do what is right by his mother. And yes one can call themselves humble when it is true.

But all of this aside, I am not going to not let mom have a great Christmas. To have her room decorated nicely.

So over the weekend I dug out all of mom's Christmas decorations, and today I started to bring them out their. So each day I will bring something out there. By the end of the week, I should have everything ready to set up her tree and decorate her room. Well I have already put somethings up.

Mom knows. Again, I feel it is a series of strokes that mom had that has put her in this situation. I just finished downloading many Christmas albums from artists she likes. Not this canned Christmas music you hear everywhere. It is driving me extra nuts. I am sure it is doing the same to you.

Anyways, mom had her hair done today, it looked good, but they still have not got it, that mom dislikes hair on her face. I have asked them numerous times to please keep the hair off her forehead. I will ask again. It just bothers mom.

All I could bring mom today, was an omelet. And the papaya was yellow again. Which I paid for red. I spoke with the store today, and got a refund on the last two that were yellow. Now there is two more. Mom ate this tonight, even though she does not like the taste. The red papaya is much sweeter. I brought the shell home and put it in the freezer, so when I bring the other one home I can take them both in.

Mom may not speak, but she can communicate through gestures. And mom has many different gestures to mean many different things. I know them all and what each one means. No one else takes the time to read mom. To bad. And to bad for mom, she would be able to have conversations with people, instead of everyone ignoring her.

I am so glad I am their for mom, so she can have a conversation everyday. And I can too.

Mom ate the omelet I brought plus the roast beef they served her. She motioned to have her spa treatment done, so who am I to argue with mom. We finished off and got her ready for bed.

Afterwards I just held her hand. This time there was enough time for me to stay until she fell asleep. Then I quietly left. Of course after I sang our good night song to her.

It is late again, so I must go.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

I have chosen this life of servitude, taking care of my mother. But would like something. Help to get to White Rock

A new week, hopefully a new beginning

Hello again

When I arrived this day, I was surprised that mom was up and dressed. She looked good, all dressed in blue. Goes with her eye's. As it is Sunday and it is bath day. Which means mom is put in bed after her bath.

The staff were surprised as well, and said to me, must of been a casual. Not knowing mom is put in bed after her bath. But I like it. Mom spends to much time in bed as it is. They don't get her up until 11 AM and then she is back in bed by 6 PM.

No wonder mom is so tired. Not enough time being around others. Or she is just bored.. As I would be, not being able to do anything for yourself.

But during dinner, mom got made at me for doing everything for her. She just wants to try to do something for herself. I agree, and will let her do as much as she can from now on.

She was wearing the sweater I just bought her, which is cotton and light blue. Which shows up every little thing spilled on it. I am soaking it as I write this. Trying to get out the stains.

It is difficult when one does not have conversations for days at a time. Really you loose the ability to communicate. Especially since I am also in pain still from throwing out my back last week. It is lasting longer than I thought it would. So far days longer than the last time. And taking pain killers. Makes it difficult to converse. OK not really, these are not that strong at all.

Back to mom.

I feel so bad that I have to leave so early each night. I would like to stay latter until mom is completely asleep. Not almost there. I apologize to her each night when I leave. It would be the greatest feeling to finally say to mom. " I don't have to leave now, as I live not far away, now. So I can stay until you fall asleep." That would be the greatest feeling ever..........

I don't need much, or a large place. A bachelor suite is perfect for me. And even the shared accommodations in White Rock are in the $600.00 range.  For a room. Not going to happen. I am sure for a few dollars more I can find a bachelor suite. Again I don't need allot of space. It is just me, after all, and I am not home all the time. I don't even need cable. Just the Internet and I am set. OK I need just about everything for the suite. Except a bedroom suite, which I have.

I am sure y'all are tired of me repeating myself so I will let y'all go now.

Remember, my life is nothing without me looking after my mother. I am a waste of skin in other wards. And I will do whatever I can to make mom's life better. I do not eat the way I cook for her. Not at all.

I feel guilty that I can't do more for mom.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

I have chosen this life of servitude, taking care of mom. But would like some help occasionally. And is it selfish of me to also want some things.