Hello again
Well today, it lived up to what I was saying. I checked my mail box, I asked if I had any mail, where I live. And nothing. I was around most of the day and no one came by to see if I was at home.
I really thought this year would be different. I have been a good boy this year, not like I am anything but good. The so called family, thinks differently. But GOD and I know the truth...
I really only wanted to have someone around this year. After all it is the first year without my mother. So I just thought someone, anyone, would have compassion and empathy to say this guy needs someone. He is alone and I am sure lonely... But didn't happen. And it is Christmas day tomorrow, well today other places... I can't say what will happen tomorrow, Christmas day, we will wait and see.
Now tonight I went to church again. Tonight I went to the Catholic Church. One to honour mom and the second reason I am part Catholic. I enjoyed the service more than I did the Christian Church I go to. So I have decided to honour both of my beliefs, the Pentecostal and the Catholic sides. At 9 am I will attend the Catholic Church, then at 11 am I will go to the Alliance church. It is just a morning of worshiping GOD
I received a spiritual book from the church tonight I will read it. On my list. I have several others I need to read first.
The only draw back from attending this evening, is that I am in so much pain now. The kneeling, the bending, the getting up and down. This hurt me greatly. And I need to take some extra pain killers after I finish writing this post. OK I took a pause and took some now. So I only have 15 minutes before they kick in.
I really am depressed now. Besides my neck killing me, I am just very lonely. I had no human contact today. Not a soul spoke to me. And I tried to get a conversation going with someone. Yea didn't work.
Am I wrong to want to have someone around me during this season. Am I wrong to want company for tomorrow. It didn't matter last year or for 12 years before that, as I took care of mom and in the nursing homes there are always people around. But the most important part of the holidays, was spending it with my mother.
A single gift, Is that to much to ask for. I really don't think so.
Here I am alone, lonely, without anyone to spend Christmas day with. No invitations to dinner, no friends.
As I said, I have everything I need to make a dinner, a turkey dinner and I will make it and just sit down in front of my TV and eat and eat. I will just wear sweat pants.
I will leave you now.
I wish you and your loved ones a Very Merry Christmas.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V3B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Bad to worse
Hello again
I was going to write tonight that if I am alone on Christmas day it will have to be OK.
I do wish this Christmas would of been different, that someone would of reached out to me and surprised me with, well just some company. A person to talk to, not just for a few minutes, but go and just talk. About whatever. I thought I had faith in humanity, but I guess I was wrong.
I thought I believed in miracles, but that is out the window now. What miracle. I pray every night for a miracle. A financial miracle. A miracle that I would not be alone on Christmas day. That there would be something in my mailbox. A card from a stranger, a book from someone. Telling me it is OK, that I do understand that you are lonely. That we are here for you. Don't be afraid, there are many of us who are there for you...
But I guess I was wrong again. The past Christmas's it didn't matter if I was alone at home, because I spent the days with my mother.... And I traveled back and forth to see her, 3 hours each way. So when I got back to Coquitlam, I was tired. So being alone was OK with me.... But now, I am truly alone and there is no traveling back and forth to see and take care of my mother. There is only myself and walking, bus rides to nowhere and back. Not even a conversation with a stranger. I guess people are all to busy to speak with a desperate soul. I am sure they see my desperation. It must be all over my face, that I need someone to talk to and and be around. Hasn't happened.
I went to the church I have been going to, tonight. A Christmas eve service. One person wished me a merry Christmas, and of course no one spoke to me... Not even a pastor. They know who I am... Again everyone is to busy getting ready for Christmas to speak to a lonely stranger. They are with there families and couples are shopping together.
I never really knew how loneliness was so horrible.
I just prayed that this year, without my mother, people would step up to help me. Isn't this the time of year of giving without anything in return. It is suppose to be............ But not really.
The church kept speaking about giving to the community, helping those are in need. The desperate, the needy, I thought they were speaking about me, that I would be called up to the stage. I was just dreaming and maybe just wishing that something like that would happen. Only in my imagination.
I pray each night that I could get the help I need, the direction I need, the person that I would run into that would be who I need at that time to point me in a direction that would lead me to another person and so on...
Now I have one day left before Christmas to see if there really is humanity in this world. That someone does care that I am alone and lonely. That I don't have, well anything. I really do mean anything. OK I have what I need,including turkey, to make for Christmas day. But I would prefer to be with others that day. But again as I have stated earlier on this post, that I will make the whole deal and eat it by myself Christmas day. Because that is the way I see it happening.
Only a day left. I am checking my mailbox daily,lately. I don't usually check it everyday. The guy at the UPS store keeps asking me if I am waiting for something special. No I reply, just checking. I don't know what to tell the guy. I won't tell him I am desperate and am just thinking someone would send me something for Christmas. That I am just expecting humanity to step up and be real. Real to me anyways.
Look it is just me dreaming and wishing. That is all. I don't know what else to say about that. I will check again tomorrow.
Now to the bad to worse. I am on the verge of being homeless. I am behind in my rent, no thanks to my friend, well ex friend now, moving out. He knew I couldn't afford this place by myself. And I haven't heard from him since he moved out. Nice don't you think,leaving me high and dry. I am behind in my rent, I can't even afford to eat, pay for a monthly bus pass, Even buy a decent winter coat. I am cold, I put so much on each day, it is hard to move.
I just don't know what to do now. I can't afford to move. I have no money to move or a damage deposit or rent. I am giving my landlord every bit of money I get. I keep nothing for myself. I am selling things and giving that money to him as well. Just desperate now.... I will try to speak to him about this. But I do think anything will come from it. They were away for a few days and tonight they got back, he sent me a text message asking me for the rest of the rent and I hope it doesn't happen again. I can catch up and maybe a little bit for next month, but not all of it. I just don't have that kind of money. OK I don't have any money.
Now this accident has really done me in.... I can no longer do anything for work that involves lifting anything. I am getting pinching in my neck. Last night I thought I was having a heart attack. I was about to call 911 when everything calmed down. But my chest is sore today. I am afraid to lift anything, It is my neck and I don't want to become paralyzed. I am worried about that. Some weird things happening. I think next week I might go to the emergency room. I am tired of the headaches.
If anyone out there has anything or any ideas of what I am going to do, Please let me know. My address will be listed as I have been doing
Just ideas would be nice.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada
V3B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
I was going to write tonight that if I am alone on Christmas day it will have to be OK.
I do wish this Christmas would of been different, that someone would of reached out to me and surprised me with, well just some company. A person to talk to, not just for a few minutes, but go and just talk. About whatever. I thought I had faith in humanity, but I guess I was wrong.
I thought I believed in miracles, but that is out the window now. What miracle. I pray every night for a miracle. A financial miracle. A miracle that I would not be alone on Christmas day. That there would be something in my mailbox. A card from a stranger, a book from someone. Telling me it is OK, that I do understand that you are lonely. That we are here for you. Don't be afraid, there are many of us who are there for you...
But I guess I was wrong again. The past Christmas's it didn't matter if I was alone at home, because I spent the days with my mother.... And I traveled back and forth to see her, 3 hours each way. So when I got back to Coquitlam, I was tired. So being alone was OK with me.... But now, I am truly alone and there is no traveling back and forth to see and take care of my mother. There is only myself and walking, bus rides to nowhere and back. Not even a conversation with a stranger. I guess people are all to busy to speak with a desperate soul. I am sure they see my desperation. It must be all over my face, that I need someone to talk to and and be around. Hasn't happened.
I went to the church I have been going to, tonight. A Christmas eve service. One person wished me a merry Christmas, and of course no one spoke to me... Not even a pastor. They know who I am... Again everyone is to busy getting ready for Christmas to speak to a lonely stranger. They are with there families and couples are shopping together.
I never really knew how loneliness was so horrible.
I just prayed that this year, without my mother, people would step up to help me. Isn't this the time of year of giving without anything in return. It is suppose to be............ But not really.
The church kept speaking about giving to the community, helping those are in need. The desperate, the needy, I thought they were speaking about me, that I would be called up to the stage. I was just dreaming and maybe just wishing that something like that would happen. Only in my imagination.
I pray each night that I could get the help I need, the direction I need, the person that I would run into that would be who I need at that time to point me in a direction that would lead me to another person and so on...
Now I have one day left before Christmas to see if there really is humanity in this world. That someone does care that I am alone and lonely. That I don't have, well anything. I really do mean anything. OK I have what I need,including turkey, to make for Christmas day. But I would prefer to be with others that day. But again as I have stated earlier on this post, that I will make the whole deal and eat it by myself Christmas day. Because that is the way I see it happening.
Only a day left. I am checking my mailbox daily,lately. I don't usually check it everyday. The guy at the UPS store keeps asking me if I am waiting for something special. No I reply, just checking. I don't know what to tell the guy. I won't tell him I am desperate and am just thinking someone would send me something for Christmas. That I am just expecting humanity to step up and be real. Real to me anyways.
Look it is just me dreaming and wishing. That is all. I don't know what else to say about that. I will check again tomorrow.
Now to the bad to worse. I am on the verge of being homeless. I am behind in my rent, no thanks to my friend, well ex friend now, moving out. He knew I couldn't afford this place by myself. And I haven't heard from him since he moved out. Nice don't you think,leaving me high and dry. I am behind in my rent, I can't even afford to eat, pay for a monthly bus pass, Even buy a decent winter coat. I am cold, I put so much on each day, it is hard to move.
I just don't know what to do now. I can't afford to move. I have no money to move or a damage deposit or rent. I am giving my landlord every bit of money I get. I keep nothing for myself. I am selling things and giving that money to him as well. Just desperate now.... I will try to speak to him about this. But I do think anything will come from it. They were away for a few days and tonight they got back, he sent me a text message asking me for the rest of the rent and I hope it doesn't happen again. I can catch up and maybe a little bit for next month, but not all of it. I just don't have that kind of money. OK I don't have any money.
Now this accident has really done me in.... I can no longer do anything for work that involves lifting anything. I am getting pinching in my neck. Last night I thought I was having a heart attack. I was about to call 911 when everything calmed down. But my chest is sore today. I am afraid to lift anything, It is my neck and I don't want to become paralyzed. I am worried about that. Some weird things happening. I think next week I might go to the emergency room. I am tired of the headaches.
If anyone out there has anything or any ideas of what I am going to do, Please let me know. My address will be listed as I have been doing
Just ideas would be nice.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada
V3B0A7
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Thursday, December 22, 2016
I wish I wish things would be different
Hello again
I really guess that people just don't care if one is lonely or not. That one is going to be alone during the holidays...
Is this even real or am I just sleeping and will wake up from this nightmare soon, I hope........
I really thought this year would be a good Christmas for me. Since I no longer have my mother to spoil at Christmas, and that is exactly what I did each and every year. I haven't receive a Christmas gift in probably 15 years. The one thing that made it OK, or I just didn't care, was that I got to spoil my mother each year. Not just at Christmas, but all year long. Each and every year.
I made sure her room was decorated to the hilt. A beautiful tree, That shone brightly for all to see. And people did see it, they came from all the floors to see it. I think mom's tree was even better decorated then the tree's the staff put up. I got mom to help out, to do whatever she could to assist in the decorating. And mom just loved doing it as well. Made her feel useful and appreciated.
We would spend hours and hours decorating her room. The music playing, Christmas music it was. Magical and beautiful. I will never forget my time with mom.
What I am trying to say is this. Yes I never received a Christmas gift in 15 years, I got to be with my mother. No present could ever beat what I received in love from mom, the excitement in her eye's The warm hugs and feelings. Her tender touch. Her speechless looks that filled my heart with all the Christmas cheer and love I could ever get. The biggest gift I ever received was just being with my beautiful mother.
But now I am alone. This is not fun. I thought that this year would be different. I thought that someone would actually care enough to help out and maybe make this year not so lonely. And alone.
I was not going to even put up any decorations or a tree. I did, for mom, put up my small tree and put some decorations on it. ... Next year I will put up mom's tree and go all out. To honour my mother and will continue each year with more and more decorations. I am just not in the mood this year. The first year without my mother.
I volunteered at a local Christmas dinner and I did get allot of extra turkey they had. So I pretty much have everything I need for a Christmas dinner. I will make and eat by myself. There is no other choice for me. I guess I will have to be OK with this and look at my empty tree.
I have been checking my mail box for a hope that I would receive something from someone. A card. I have written different places and have spoken to a few pastors. Not about helping out, but about this being the first Christmas I am spending without my mother and home absolutely lonely it is for me. Yea and nothing. Nothing at all........ Just the typical GOD is with you. Yes I know GOD is with me, but no one else is. I am trying to do everything that is right. Nothing seems to go right for me. Even the job search. I was at sources job club today, sending off more resumes.
I have needed to change my direction because of the bus accident and the pain I am feeling. So no more jobs that require me to lift anything.
A few days left before Christmas and I don't see a good Christmas for me at all... I know there are allot of people who are worse off than myself, I feel compassion for them. If I could do something for them I would. But I am alone. No one. I really don't even have friends. They, the few I have are busy with their own families. Which is what they should be doing. I just don't have family anymore. OK I have sisters. But they are not family to me, they are strangers to me. So no, they are not my family..
Just depressed for the last few days, that is why I have not written. But I will be back tomorrow.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC,
Canada. V4B0A7
Please Pray
I really guess that people just don't care if one is lonely or not. That one is going to be alone during the holidays...
Is this even real or am I just sleeping and will wake up from this nightmare soon, I hope........
I really thought this year would be a good Christmas for me. Since I no longer have my mother to spoil at Christmas, and that is exactly what I did each and every year. I haven't receive a Christmas gift in probably 15 years. The one thing that made it OK, or I just didn't care, was that I got to spoil my mother each year. Not just at Christmas, but all year long. Each and every year.
I made sure her room was decorated to the hilt. A beautiful tree, That shone brightly for all to see. And people did see it, they came from all the floors to see it. I think mom's tree was even better decorated then the tree's the staff put up. I got mom to help out, to do whatever she could to assist in the decorating. And mom just loved doing it as well. Made her feel useful and appreciated.
We would spend hours and hours decorating her room. The music playing, Christmas music it was. Magical and beautiful. I will never forget my time with mom.
What I am trying to say is this. Yes I never received a Christmas gift in 15 years, I got to be with my mother. No present could ever beat what I received in love from mom, the excitement in her eye's The warm hugs and feelings. Her tender touch. Her speechless looks that filled my heart with all the Christmas cheer and love I could ever get. The biggest gift I ever received was just being with my beautiful mother.
But now I am alone. This is not fun. I thought that this year would be different. I thought that someone would actually care enough to help out and maybe make this year not so lonely. And alone.
I was not going to even put up any decorations or a tree. I did, for mom, put up my small tree and put some decorations on it. ... Next year I will put up mom's tree and go all out. To honour my mother and will continue each year with more and more decorations. I am just not in the mood this year. The first year without my mother.
I volunteered at a local Christmas dinner and I did get allot of extra turkey they had. So I pretty much have everything I need for a Christmas dinner. I will make and eat by myself. There is no other choice for me. I guess I will have to be OK with this and look at my empty tree.
I have been checking my mail box for a hope that I would receive something from someone. A card. I have written different places and have spoken to a few pastors. Not about helping out, but about this being the first Christmas I am spending without my mother and home absolutely lonely it is for me. Yea and nothing. Nothing at all........ Just the typical GOD is with you. Yes I know GOD is with me, but no one else is. I am trying to do everything that is right. Nothing seems to go right for me. Even the job search. I was at sources job club today, sending off more resumes.
I have needed to change my direction because of the bus accident and the pain I am feeling. So no more jobs that require me to lift anything.
A few days left before Christmas and I don't see a good Christmas for me at all... I know there are allot of people who are worse off than myself, I feel compassion for them. If I could do something for them I would. But I am alone. No one. I really don't even have friends. They, the few I have are busy with their own families. Which is what they should be doing. I just don't have family anymore. OK I have sisters. But they are not family to me, they are strangers to me. So no, they are not my family..
Just depressed for the last few days, that is why I have not written. But I will be back tomorrow.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC,
Canada. V4B0A7
Please Pray
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
I was just to depressed to write and hurting
Hello again
Well the last two days I have been working on a email that was very important, and it took me longer than I thought. Being a perfectionist. It must be perfect, but I forgot to put a few things in it, So I finished it tonight. And sent it again
This year is extremely difficult for me. Again the first Christmas without my mother. No family to spend time with. No one to spend Christmas day with. And no one to even talk to over these days. I am very lonely. I never thought it would bother me this much. But it is. I have been lonely in the past but I always new, each and everyday, I would be visiting my mother and taking care of her. So the loneness wasnt hard to deal with. That I wouldn't be lonely in a few hours.
Not this year. I am alone and it is difficult for me to deal with. I don't have friends or anyone. I decided to put up this little tree I have. No I am not going to decorate my home completely up. Just the little tree. Just not in the mood. But I have been thinking that I should of gone all out and decorated my home, To honour my mother. I just can't do it this year. But from now on, that is what I am going to do. Go all out and decorate. Even if I am completely alone. Just not this year.
There will be nothing under the tree though, but a tree none the less. That is to bad though.
I wish there was someone who I could call on to get through this together. Just me. I know I have dealt with allot of things before and made it through them. Not this year. Being alone is sort of putting a little damper on this you will get through this. Very difficult for me.........
I keep watching these Christmas movies, hoping they will bring the Christmas cheer to me, Yea no luck........ I am trying though. I use to love watching these shows/movies with mom. We did this everyday leading up to Christmas. The music in the background. A great time we had each and every year. I would make mom a fantastic Christmas dinner. Yes just for her. And enjoy mom having a great time. The best Christmas present I could ever receive. Knowing mom was having a great time. I looked forward to Christmas each year. I started getting ready in September. Planning out the decorating of her room.
I miss her so very much. I miss having her here during the holidays. I miss my mother's smile each day when I arrived to see her. Not just at Christmas, but everyday all year long. It is not the same anymore. So very lonely, so very lonely.
Just one gift. is that to much to ask for. I haven't had a Christmas gift in a very long time. It was all about mom, Mom was first and I was last that was my deal. All about mom. I don't know how to do things for myself. I really don't ...............
I am still very much hurting. I can't raise my arms up without getting an instant headache. I can't drive. I can't lift anything without it hurting me. I can't even type much before I have to stop and take a break.
I need to stop for tonight.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC, Canada
V4B0A7
Well the last two days I have been working on a email that was very important, and it took me longer than I thought. Being a perfectionist. It must be perfect, but I forgot to put a few things in it, So I finished it tonight. And sent it again
This year is extremely difficult for me. Again the first Christmas without my mother. No family to spend time with. No one to spend Christmas day with. And no one to even talk to over these days. I am very lonely. I never thought it would bother me this much. But it is. I have been lonely in the past but I always new, each and everyday, I would be visiting my mother and taking care of her. So the loneness wasnt hard to deal with. That I wouldn't be lonely in a few hours.
Not this year. I am alone and it is difficult for me to deal with. I don't have friends or anyone. I decided to put up this little tree I have. No I am not going to decorate my home completely up. Just the little tree. Just not in the mood. But I have been thinking that I should of gone all out and decorated my home, To honour my mother. I just can't do it this year. But from now on, that is what I am going to do. Go all out and decorate. Even if I am completely alone. Just not this year.
There will be nothing under the tree though, but a tree none the less. That is to bad though.
I wish there was someone who I could call on to get through this together. Just me. I know I have dealt with allot of things before and made it through them. Not this year. Being alone is sort of putting a little damper on this you will get through this. Very difficult for me.........
I keep watching these Christmas movies, hoping they will bring the Christmas cheer to me, Yea no luck........ I am trying though. I use to love watching these shows/movies with mom. We did this everyday leading up to Christmas. The music in the background. A great time we had each and every year. I would make mom a fantastic Christmas dinner. Yes just for her. And enjoy mom having a great time. The best Christmas present I could ever receive. Knowing mom was having a great time. I looked forward to Christmas each year. I started getting ready in September. Planning out the decorating of her room.
I miss her so very much. I miss having her here during the holidays. I miss my mother's smile each day when I arrived to see her. Not just at Christmas, but everyday all year long. It is not the same anymore. So very lonely, so very lonely.
Just one gift. is that to much to ask for. I haven't had a Christmas gift in a very long time. It was all about mom, Mom was first and I was last that was my deal. All about mom. I don't know how to do things for myself. I really don't ...............
I am still very much hurting. I can't raise my arms up without getting an instant headache. I can't drive. I can't lift anything without it hurting me. I can't even type much before I have to stop and take a break.
I need to stop for tonight.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC, Canada
V4B0A7
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