Happy Birthday Mom

Hello again

Today was mom's 84 th Birthday.

My sister's actually showed up for this on the day. It is amazing, but I am glad for mom. She was happy that they came. And that is all that matters, is mom's happiness.

I really don't care at all, about them. But I do care that they come to visit with their mother. It doesn't affect me, but it affects mom.

Last night when I got home, I made her Birthday dinner. Took a few hours, but mom loved it. I had a cake mix, which I made as well. I brought her flowers and a card. I will pick up some clothing, as I need to anyways.

While putting mom to bed, I needed to lift her up and adjust her. Well there was this new care aid, and when she walked in, she told me that she is going to put mom to bed now and for me to leave. I simply said to her that I put mom to bed, no one has done this since mom has been here. She gave me this dirty look. So this care aid upset me a bit. Then I went back to adjusting mom, but I forgot to  put the brake on for the wheelchair and the chair went flying back. I had mom, but I tripped over the chair and had to make sure mom didn't go crashing to the floor. In the process of doing this, I must of banged my leg on the chair. Because of this I had to put mom down on the floor. She didn't fall, or hurt herself. I just had to place her on the floor while I got my balance.

The nurse came in and asked why is their blood everywhere. I freaked out. I thought something happened to mom. As it turned out I was bleeding from my leg and lots of blood at that. The lower part of my right jean was soaked in blood, my sock and runner as well.

Everyone is freaking out about this and all I wanted to know if anything was wrong with mom. Mom was and is fine. This care aid was giving me more dirty looks and I just said this is your fault, I have been looking after my mother longer than you have been a care aid and I am here every single day of the week and have been for years and years. I know what my mother wants and likes. So you need to stop giving me dirty looks. If you did not do this, I would of not forgotten to put the brake on.

Mom was worried about me as well, I am fine, I told her. this is not the first time I cut myself and it won't be the last. I was only concerned about mom.

I finished mom's spa treatment and held her hand while she fell asleep. With a smile on her face. I sang to her and she sung with me. I stayed as long as I could.

As soon as I got home, I soaked my jeans in cold water and now they are in the washer. I will hand dry them, in case the soaking didn't get rid of all the blood. So I can do it again, without it setting.

OK I am very tired. I was up until 4 AM making mom's dinner and then relax a bit. And up at 10, so I could get going by 1 PM.

I just wanted to get their early to spend more time with mom.

I just want to sleep, I am not even hungry. It doesn't matter anyways.

Besides all of this, mom had a good Birthday today.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Are we alive

Hello again

So today was just another day. I got up and got ready to go. And left. All I did was to stop and get mom some things.

It is mom's birthday this Saturday. And well I am not sure now how old she is. The home tells me she was born in 1928, I thought she was born in 1930 and the PGT tells me it is 1929. So mom will be either 83,84, or 85. I have some ID of her's packed in a box. So I am not sure which box it is in.

Anyways I picked up some fall decorations. Large and small leaves that I put up on mom's wall. Plus a Happy Birthday banner. I will try to get more fall decorations. And I also pick up more Birthday stuff.

I just have to get a few more things for her Birthday and it should be good.

I brought mom a chicken wrap today. She enjoyed this.

I washed mom's hair after dinner and this made her extremely happy. I styled it nicely. Put her to bed and then our nightly spa treatment.

I am becoming even more depressed. I don't want to live here anymore, I can't wait to find a place and move. I need to be living in White Rock before Christmas.

I refuse to clean up after these people anymore and the house is becoming a pig sty. I am not enjoying myself anymore.

The only thing I look forward to each day is seeing mom and taking care of her.

I had to tell the story of quiting drinking and smoking pot to someone the other day and it brought back to many painful memories. But I am so greatful that I did quit. I needed to take care of my parents and I couldn't do this being a drunk and pot head. And loosing someone I actually loved helped as well.

I am done for the night. I have been tired, OK, I have been tired because I am so depressed. I am loosing my communication ability. I don't speak with anyone. I go days without having a conversation with someone. I am becoming more and more quite.

I have so much to do, but the depression is getting the best of me. Which causes me to do nothing about these things.

This is the only place where I actually communicate anything. Sad isn't it. That I have no one which I can speak with.

I met this women on the bus the other day, but I couldn't think of anything to say. Or just couldn't communicate it to her. I got off the bus and that was that. She did all the talking.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Another wrong day

Hello again

I don't even know how to describe this day. So I won't. I will just say this. I am extremely depressed and it is becoming a problem.

Maybe it is time to go  back on anti depressants again. I really don't like feeling numb. As it is I am an extremely calm person. But depression is something that I have lived with since I quit drinking. And it is not fun.

It takes me two hours to just get out of bed each day. I have extreme OCD and anxiety issues.

But I digress,

Mom is doing OK. Tired. But this could be due to the fall weather. Raincouver. Dull, Grey, raining, windy etc.....

When I say I make mom smoothies, I do and I spoon feed this to her. She likes it this way. Mom does not have a problem with drinking anything. But she likes it when I give her the smoothie this way. Go figure.

I have noticed this past week, that when I hold mom's hand, her eye's close and she just wants to go to sleep. It is a warm feeling that someone trust me this much that just the fact of holding her hand, says that I trust you completely and know that you will be their.

I am staying latter. I want to make sure mom is asleep when I leave. It doesn't matter to me when I get home. It is not like I am going to be going to sleep when I get home.

Last night it wasn't until 4 AM that I finally fell asleep.... And my alarm goes off at 9 AM. Then it takes me until 11 AM to even get out of bed. And therefore I am not getting what I need done. I have to leave by 1 PM daily.

It is mom's 85 Birthday this Saturday. A huge milestone, if I do say so myself. Especially since she has Dementia. As long as I keep getting proper nutrition into her, she should be around for a long time to come. And I am very good with this. I need to make this Birthday very special and am trying. I need ideas. And of course you know what.

Again, I just want to live close to her. So I no longer have to get on a bus and travel 3 hours each night. Then maybe I might feel a little better. And can get somethings done. I can stay a little latter each night, as my dream would be to just walk home.

I have a chair, and a small side table. A bed, dresser, night stands and a desk. A vacuum and kitchen utensils. A old CRT TV and of course this computer. This is what I watch everything on anyways. And some clothing, which are all to big on me. I call them my fat cloths. As I used to be 275 lbs and now I am 200 lbs.This is all good enough for me.

I have no pots and pans or plates and cutlery.

I don't have any friends so I don't have to worry about people coming over. I can find some other furniture somewhere. I guess.

I have been offered a Part time job, but I have to be living out their. As the job is in the mornings Starting at 9 AM for four hours each day, 3 days a week. There is no way for me to get to White Rock for 9 Am from Coquitlam. The bus are not running out here, that early.

So I can afford a place on my own. And for this I need money to get the place and pay for it for a month or so. Then with both my incomes  I can afford a place. .

Isn't this a pickle, You do or you don't.

Well it is after midnight again. I am going to try to get to bed before 4 tonight.

GOD bless and good night.

Kris Schmuland

It is another weekend

Hello again

So over the last few days I have packed just about everything in my room, emptied out all the drawers in the dresser, night stands and desk. Except for the few things that I use daily. Plus packed the closet, except for  the the few clothes I wear daily.

I completely cleaned the room. So now I just have to find a place. No problem one states. Right. This is the biggest problem I face. Finding an affordable place for myself. I am even looking at shared accommodations. But if I can get a place on my own, this is what prefer. But I will accept a shared accommodation for now.

Now to find said place.

There is a cold going around the home that mom is in and I am trying to get an extra Vega One supplement to use in her smoothies. As I did before, but the PGT is being, well you all know by now. I asked last Sunday and no response from them for a few days, so I write again and again. To find out what is going on. Finally on Thursday I spoke with them and what I gathered from our conversation was there would be a cheque for the amount of the supplement ready for Friday. But I get down their and nothing and the guy tells me he didn't get around to it. It is mom who is suffering.  I want this so mom will not get a cold.  He was being  obstinate about it as well.. I will get around to it. I won't give you a date, he tells me. Didn't you get that from our conversation. Well actually I didn't, your tone was cooperative.

So mom is tired, these days. The roommate is delusional again and it is getting worse and the staff do nothing about it. Her TV is extremely loud and annoying.

AGAIN MOM LIKES QUIT

I made mom an omelet and toast. She ate this and some of the dinner served to her. Which I have been going and getting. Or it sits there and we are forgotten, or it is getting cold. So now I am doing everything once I arrive.

Time to really get angry. OK I am there already. With not finding a place, and my belief in GOD is not anywhere what it use to be.

Nothing is nothing and this is what I have. And this is not fair to mom. I do my best and I will make mom great dinners before I make these for myself. And I like it this way. I really don't like to cook for myself anyways. I prefer to cook for someone else. It is actually boring cooking for just me.

Mom was changed early this evening, so I was able to hold her hand until she fell asleep. Completely asleep. Her hand relaxed. As mom holds on very tightly until she falls asleep. I don't mind a bit.

I just sang to her and kissed her goodnight.

I don't know what I will do for dinner for her tomorrow.

I need to go now, I am tired as well. The bus takes it's toll on me as well.

I am asking again for your prayers.

GOD bless and good night.

Kris Schmulano