Nothing ever changes for me....

Hello again

I am sorry I have not been here in a few days. My computer has been giving me allot of problems. Just not working properly. I have been spending my time fixing it. It is not completely fixed, but getting there. I am just going to purchase a new one and factory reset this one.

I know I have problems. I was at the Canada Celebration last night and day. There were so many people. I have problems with crowds to begin with. I thought I had fixed that issue. Oh no. I was being pushed and shoved around. I couldn't get out when I wanted too. I had a severe anxiety attack. I was freaking out. I was yelling at people to get the blank out of my way, I am having an anxiety attack. Do you think people would move. Yes you know the answer.

When I finally was able to get away from the crowd, I was shaking like crazy. I was sweating and I felt as if I was having a heart attack. Then and there. I sat down, pulled out a cigarette, my tea. I took my phone out of my pocket and turned on some soft jazz, to calm my spirit. It was almost an hour before I could even get up and move.

Luckily, I know the streets downtown, so I walked the long way, through back streets and allies, to get to the transit hub.   Everything was still going on downtown. Canada Celebration. I just had to get away from there.

I spend allot of time in downtown Vancouver. But not with that many people. I really thought I was getting over this problem. I am still very angry and upset. I am not doing well today with people and myself. I have tried to avoid everybody.

Try telling this to these people here that I live with. No stop bullshit. I can't take it anymore. If something doesn't change I am going to seriously freak out, have a melt down.

I really need everyone to understand something. The only good thing I have ever done with my life is taking care of and looking after my mother. THAT IS IT! not yelling, making a point.

I am looking at where I am now and I am in the exact same place that I was in, before I started to look after my mother. EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE. again not yelling.

 A LOOSER. now I am yelling

Going now where, not getting anything done. I am stuck and I can't get any help from anyone. Not even the doctors. Nothing. I thought there would be some place that would understand my situation and help me to get out of it. Right away.

Yes I need to see a Psychiatrist as soon as possible. Maybe I should just check myself into the psy ward at the hospital. And tell them I am hearing voices telling me to do this or that. Yuck. even writing it makes me cringe.Yea I don't think so. But I am going to let the doctor know about what happened to me yesterday. Folks it wasn't pretty. I was not me.OK I was me experiencing something horrible.

And today it is still with me. The anxiety, the fear, the frustration and most importantly, the anger

Ok I need to go now. Just have to calm myself down.

Sincerely

Kristopher Schmuland

Just another day of,. well,

Hello again

My day was not that enjoyable. I just can't stand it here, anymore. No privacy. I have to do everything in my room and that is not life. Just as bad as in Coquitlam. OK it was better in Coquitlam. At least there I could sit outside and make calls without being bothered.

I can't even get out the door without being asked to do something or another. A day without being asked for something would be nice.

And I need to go to the doctor and get this all going. I also need something to take the stress off. I am having bad days. Thinking of my mother and wondering when she is going to come and visit me. I believe in the supernatural.

I just wonder around. No purpose. I am not getting much done, as I am constantly being asked to do something or being yelled for.

I need a place of my own. To just sort things out. And to get a car. Even if it is just a piece of junk. It is a car. But I need a car to take my license in. I can't even book an appointment for that. Another frustration.

I was at the hospital records office last week and the records I asked for are not ready yet. They said the beginning of June, well it is almost the beginning of July. And still nothing. The police officer called me to tell me she is going away for a week and will update me when she gets back. So Al Hogg is getting away with theft. It seems they can do what they want and no harm will come to them. Bullshit. I am now going to go to their head office and complain. The news papers etc.......

I want the parts back from them. NOW Not in a year. Or not at all.

I am tired of being screwed over by Al Hogg. I know it was them who took everything. They wanted it and they got it. By stealing it.

I am on edge and it is getting worse by the day. I am stressed out. I feel I am being punished for looking after mom. I can't find a place. And I need it so desperately

I am sorry that my blogs have been very short the last few days. But I am extremely tired and so very stressed out.

I will keep writing though

Kris Schmuland

Yes not my usual way of ending my blog, but I don't have any faith left, anymore.
.

I am just very frustrated

Hello again

Well I can't write what I want as this is being read by the people I am living with now. Piss me off. I just don't want to have to keep on explaining myself. I say what I say and that is it.

I am frustrated because I can't find what I need right now. And we all know what that is. I am still very much in pain from my loss. Then counselor is helping a bit. But I need more. An actual counselor. I am finding my days are in a haze, just going about my days, without really knowing what I am doing. I have so much to do. I am not doing anything.

I need to get a doctor to help with my forms. I need to see someone to help me with, well, myself.

I am starting to get up earlier, as I don't even want to sleep. Food is really bothering me, but I have to eat.

All I think about is my mother. I am trying to occupy my time, to keep my mind busy, so I am not always thinking about my mother. It is somewhat working. I was out today with some friends. It was OK. I guess. I like them both. But my insides say, You don't want any friends you just want to be by yourself. True and not true.

I am a little crispy tonight, because of the sun.

But I need to go now. I want to try and get this movie. Then just relax and watch something.

I will be back

Kristopher W. A  Schmuland