Just not feeling anything lately

Hello again

Well as it states I am just not feeling anything in my life. I am very stressed out about my living arrangements. I just can't do it.

I looked after my mother for a very long time and that I chose to do. I loved every minutes of it. But I am not prepared to look after someone else. I have so much that I need to do for myself. I just don't have the time.

I need to look after myself. I am not a well person. I have a scare in front of me. I have diabetes, which I am trying to manage. Plus the numerous other things that are wrong with me.

I need to take care of me. Not anyone else.

Maybe if it were a different time. But not know.

I go through my day, with feelings that go up and down. All over the place. Yes I can put on the fake smile for everyone to see. Yet I am in pain on the inside as well as the outside.

I do have happy moments through out my day.

And I do think this women is nice.

I don't know what I am going to do. I don't get help from anyone. So I can do the right thing.

I don't want to leave this women high and dry. But I can't do what three of us were doing before the other two moved out. Just me now. And I have so much I need to get done, but I am falling short of doing things. I need to be able to have time before I leave each day to make calls and/or relax.

I am trying to get back into singing again, but every time I start, it is a song that I would sing to mom. Actually all the songs I can sing well are the one's I would sing to mom.

My cousin keeps sending me all of these job openings. Yet she has never sat down and spoke with me about what I would like to do.

She keeps sending me ads for places to rent, Yet she has never sat down with me to ask me where it is I would like to live.

We all have an idea where it is we want to live. I have an idea what it is I want to do. I am trying to get my foot in the door. I am seeking out a path that I think is what is needed for me to do.

The organization I wish to start. The name is going to be changed. I don't like what I have been calling it.

I have searched out the domain names. But without funding it is never going anywhere. So why do I keep bringing it up. HOPE.

I need to speak with someone about things. I have a grief counselor as well as a counselor. And an understanding Doctor ( I think)

Well I was able to get a cancellation for the diabetes clinic.I start tomorrow morning. I need to get up at 6 am to be there by 8:30.I am glad I called them, otherwise I would of been waiting until October. or November. The right time for that, at least.

I need to go. It is so hot in my room. yes where I have to do everything.

I have no idea how much sleep I will get. This is going to affect me greatly. But oh well, have to go.

I am out.

GOD bless and good night

Kris

It is not always............

Hello again

I need to say that not all of my days are filled with depression. Throughout my days, I do have good moments that make me feel I am OK. Not allot of them, but some.

On Monday I went, after my counseling session, to the Elder Advocacy office. I spoke with this nice women about getting involved. As well as the work I have already done., Plus the organization I would like to start ADSAAC  or The Mary Schmuland Foundation. The second could be a name that would honour my mother.

This is why I want to do what I have written about. To simply honour my mother. I did this for her, advocacy work, Fighting to make sure her rights were listened to, to make sure she was treated properly, and to make sure everyone understood that mom is going to be treated right or I will use my vast knowledge to get things done.

I have gained valuable experience throughout those years. And it should not be wasted. I should be using this knowledge to help other families. To speak out, to shout it to the roof tops, that there are problems within our care homes. Problems with the system.

I am going back to the Elder Advocacy office this Friday morning to pickup an manual that I wanted to get last year. As well as to speak further on how I can get involved. As well as the other services that are trying to be implemented in Vancouver.

This I know I can do without a doubt. Many years experience.

Now for the nonsense.   I was speaking with someone from the building today, and it seems that everyone thinks I am here to assist the lady in the Wheelchair. I am going to be straightening this out in a hurry.

I have been back for hours now and I have only been able to get a few things done.

As mentioned, as I get closer to White Rock and back here, the more stressed out I become and the more depressed I become.

I went to the library to read, just to be able to sit and not be interrupted.

I am still lost. I need to be on my own to actually have a desk where I can sit, uninterrupted, and get work done.

Don't get me wrong. She is a OK lady, but I am not here to look after her. I took care of my mother for many years and I am not prepared to look after someone else. I need to be taking care of myself.

I have to pay for the counselor. The money is coming from what I live on. I need to eat three times a day, so I can take my diabetes medication..This is a must. But I can't afford it.

I am still waiting for the diabetes clinic to call me. I will go to the doctors office tomorrow and find out what the wait is. I need to go to this clinic so I can get my glucose reader and the strips for it. Plus the bracelet I need to be wearing.

This is just a few of the thins I need.

What I need is time, more uninterrupted time. So I can try to find funding to start the organization. I guess I will use the library for this. At least the research part. Can't be speaking on the phone in the library.

Right now I feel OK, I am messed up and want to run away.

Please, at least pray for things to go right, and for me to find a place for October 1, in the White Rock South Surrey area

GOD bless and good night

Kris

And again a wasted day..............

Hello again

I cannot sleep lately, I have to take extra medication to sleep. I am up until 4 trying to sleep. Then I make extra medication and I sleep until 11. I cannot do this anymore. Both sleep that late and deal with this mess I got myself into. Yes it was I who decided to move into this hell hole with the drug addicts and a person that needs 24/7 care. I can't look after her, I have my own problems to deal with.

I am not well. I am seriously depressed and it is getting worse by the day. I am trying to find a place. But, as I mentioned, it seems that I am being punished for the years of looking after mom.

Landlords don't get it. It was a full time job. For 12 years. And it was the only thing in my wasted life that I did that actually mattered. It seems that I did nothing else that mattered in my life. Nothing compared to looking after my mother. And they don't understand what I am trying to do with ADSAAC The advocacy organization.

I am disabled and have an income, but not good enough

So when my family calls me a user and looser, I already knew that............ I am not stupid. I know I have accomplished nothing with my life and I don't have much time to do anything.

I am 55 years old and retirement is at 65. I will not be getting a pension of any kind. I have 10 years to try to get something happening. Then maybe I might get $500.00 a month pension.

Yep, I am screwed and I did it to myself. I know everything in my life is not anyone's doing. I don't blame anyone for my screwed up life. But myself.

I have tried. I have talent. I am a very smart person. OK I have never tried completely. I gave up after one little thing got in my way. I don't think I have completed much. I have an education. But it is worth nothing. Can't do anything with it.

So people, I have screwed my life up, big time. And I don't see how I am going to fix it.

I  believe I was given great ideas. I would love to get the advocacy business off the ground. Again. I have no money to do this.

It is going to be at least $1000 to obtain the domain names and register the the name of the business and pay for everything to do with getting the company legal.

I guess I will stop even trying

I need a place to at least make an attempt at it. I can't do it here. I can't even get going without having to do a million things for this women.

I like her, but I am not a caregiver for her. I looked after my mother and now I need to take care of myself. To get well or just give up.

I have no idea what is going on. I feel stuck and everyone around thinks I should be taking care of this women.

I can't do it. I can't take anything anymore.

I get so stressed out just coming back here each night. Thinking what is in store for me, what demands does she have for me. It starts out with one thing, as I said and then 20 things. It was this way tonight when I got back. As soon as I walked into the living room, it was one thing after another.

I have been back since 9:30 it is just now that I am able to write. I have not even made myself dinner. which I have to so I can eat and take my diabetes medicine. The last one of the day.

Well I see a counselor tomorrow. Second time with her.

I have to go and make my dinner now. It will be midnight before I can eat. I planed a nice dinner, but that is not going to happen..... To late.

So off I go to think of something else to make. If I could of made it when I got back, I would of been finished eating by now.

Please pray that GOD intercedes before it is to late.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Just another day in my wasted life

Hello again

So I really do miss my mother. As stated before, it is just knowing that she is there. To know that no matter what is happening, I have mom to just be with, holding her hand. And I know mom felt the same way. Someone there for her.

Again it was the best gift I have ever received, looking after her and taking care of mom. Mary Rose Schmuland. Let us not forget that.

You see, I say I am lost, it is true. I had a purpose, that was to take care of my mother. That was everything to me. And I know, if I was working full time, doing what I know I can do, I would of quit what I was doing, to look after mom. That was pre- destined. I believe this 100% that I would of stopped everything, put everything aside and did what I know I was to do in this life. I know not to many people can say this, but I know for sure, this was part of my life's plan. In the grand scheme of things.

I knew this many, many years ago. And I was prepared to do whatever it took to make sure my mother was well taken care of in her last years. This I did. I know it. Yes I do say I could of done allot more. Others say, what more could you of done. You went way beyond what anyone would do for their parents. Yes I did, but........ These statements came from the counselors I am seeing. As well as many, many more people.

Yes my family thinks I am a user and looser. That is OK with me. Because they were not there for my mother. At all. No one. We lost Mary along time ago. Or they didn't want to see me. That is OK too. But, they had the rest of the day to come and visit mom. I was only there from late afternoon until 9 pm or so.

So call me what you want. I am a user I am a looser. I agree. Thank you family for your thoughts. To bad it doesn't bother me. I gave up on everyone of them, many, many, many years ago and it has never bothered me.

I will, however, never forgive them for not spending time with my mother. I hope that one of their children will spend time with them, when it is needed. When they are old and sick. Because that is the right thing to do.

OK I am not fine. I have allot of problems. I need to get on disability. I need to get well. At least well enough. I need to find a new place to live. Soon.

Most importantly, I need to put on a service for mom.


I am out, I am done. My life has no meaning now. I have some ideas. I would like to honor mom by advocating for other families and seniors. I am good at it. Very good at it. Many years of experience doing this for mom. I have contacts throughout the industry and health system. I know what is needed to be done, to insure that families place their loved one's in the proper home. What to look for and if needed, someone to speak on their behalf.

For this I need seed capital. To get everything started.

ADSAAC    Alzheimer's Dementia Seniors Abuse Action Coalition, this is the name of the organization I wish to start.  Or have been trying to get going for a few years now. I have had the web address's, Lost them because of not having enough money to renew them.

So I am stuck. This is a service that is needed. To many people don't know what to do, when the time comes. They need guidance.

But I am so messed up now. I need my own home. I thought I found the perfect place, Go a text message this morning. Saw the message and thought, I got it. Only to find out they rented it to someone else.

I have no back story, Except the best one of all. I TOOK CARE OF MY MOTHER.

So I don't know what to say. If someone knows where I can get start up funds, please let me know. It is important.

I would have purpose again.

GOD bless and good night

Kris

I can't believe this. This little blog has been read almost 40000 times. This one. The one before was read over 15000 time. Before it was shut down. I still have all the post from that one, sitting on another computer. Which I have to get transfered over to a hard drive and placed up on this site.

Thank you everyone who have taken the time to read my little blog. It is amazing to me. Thank you, Thank you. You make my day, everyday, when I turn my computer on and see how many people have actually read this. Just freaks me out. Thank you. Please keep reading. More to come. Even from all the different countries that have read this. Thank you again.