I don't know anything

Hello again

I am not a perfect individual. I have faults, many faults, if one would say. I can't be faulted for what I am doing for my mother. So give it a rest, to the individuals who tell me I am nothing. I can say that if it were not for taking care of my mother. I would be less than nothing. But I have been happily taking care of my mother for many, many years.

I know my mother is going down hill. She is stable for now. But there will come a time when this will change. And I will be there for this as well. I will be there supporting mom. Right there by her side, without reservations. I will be there taking care of her, holding her hand, telling her it is okay. That I am here and will not be going anywhere. I know that day will come.

In the mean time, do I let her sit in isolation. Or do I continue to do what is the most important thing anyone should do. Look after their parent. Do whatever it takes to make sure they are well taken care of . And you know what. ( Yes I know what, they live down the street between why and when) to bad if you have a family and family responsibilities. That your wife or husband doesn't want you to take so much time taking care of your parent. Did they say, I don't have time to look after you when you were an infant, of taking you to soccer practice or anything you did when you were growing up. I don't think so.

So why is it that these homes are filled with very lonely seniors. Who, by the way, have family, that can give up some of their time to be there for their parent everyday.

I was going to write, Sure not everyday, as you have things to do. Bullshit! Nothing is more important than being there for someone who make sacrifices for you. And was always there for you. Suck it up. And do the right thing. I even here allot of these family members who claim to be Christian. Doesn't GOD, HIMSELF, say to honor your mother and father. It means whatever it takes you are to be taking care of them. Not coming up with excuses as to why you can't be there or why I can't stay long.

But it's not my mother anymore. Yes it is. Just a little different and guess what they have a illness a disease of the mind. That for all accounts, there is not cure. Or it is just old age. But it is still one's parent.

I have the right to say these thing. I am there and I have taken care of my father and am now taking care of my mother. And I travel many kms to do this. With no help from anyone. At all. Not even a coffee or help with finding a place. Nothing. Yes I do ask from time to time. And the reason I ask is I have never trusted a single person. I trust no one. I keep thinking that there could be people out there who are the kind of people who do things for other's. Not just at Christmas. But alas, I am let down once again.

There are no people who care about other's.

I don't expect people to do what I do. I am the exception to the rule. My mother is my Hero, to bravely go through what she is going through. . My mother knows I am going to be there everyday. And I am the one who is there when she closes her eye's for the night. Holding her hand.

Now finding out I have this disease and there is no cure for this as well. I haven't dealt with it and I don't think I can.

Now over the last few days mom has been tired. Still from the medication they gave her before she went to the dentist. To keep her calm. And not lashing out. To lash out is the only way mom can express herself. As they don't take the time to read her. Mom speaks volumes without having to say anything.

But mom has been eating as she can. It is also Friday today and mom seems to be very tired on Fridays. For some strange reason. But mom ate as much as she could, But to tired to have her hair washed and styled today. I always ask and mom does respond to my questions. And today it was no, and no to the full spa treatment.

Mom just needed to go to bed and know she is taken care of . It was that simple.

I did everything I normally do, everyday. And than off I went. To a journey that I know I am going to get more stressed out as I get closer to were I stay. I stay, is the key word. It is not my home. I don't have a home. I just stay here.

I would be so nice to have an actual home. Even renting an apartment. I can still call this home. I am day dreaming about this now. All of  my packed things need to be in the place where they should be. I am tired of living out of boxes. I mean that I have to have all of what little cook wear in my room. So it doesn't get destroyed. If I need something, I need to run back and forth to my room to get something. It is a hassle.

Mom has been coughing allot lately. So I have been rubbing Noxema on her  upper chest to help keep her chest warm. And maybe help with the coughing.

I will keep this up. And if it does not improve in the next few weeks I will take her to the doctors.

Now time to go again.

Please continue, if one does, pray for mom and I. That I find a place as soon as possible.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

A dentist visit

Hello again

Well today it is going to be short and sweet. To the point.

I arrived and mom was out of it. Asleep sitting by the TV. She was cold and I couldn't wake her up. I gave her the customary kiss hello. She did not stir. So I started to move her, and an eye opened up. Then the other.  I got back to her room, with her and then found out that she had been to the dentist. A good thing, as I was going to ask them to send her anyways. But I wish I was informed yesterday about this appointment, I wouldn't of made a full course meal for her.

Now mom also had a bruise on her nose. And as usual, no one had any idea how this came to be. Just as it is with any of the bruises mom has had.

I knew mom was really to out of it to eat much. But I am wondering what type of narcotics to they give her before she goes to the dentist, to keep her this under, for so long. And for her to be like this for the entire evening and night.

Well we went out to our usual place for dinner. Mom did eat a bit of the dinner, and some of the dessert. She couldn't even finish the three pieces of Lindt that she has every night. I knew dinner was over and she couldn't eat any more. To bad. I know what I made for her, she would of liked.

I just did the dishes and took her back to her room. Changed her and put her to bed. I wasn't going to wait for the care aid to come and put her to bed. I was not going to allow mom to sit in her chair any longer. All mom wanted to do was go to bed and stretch out.

Then the care aid came in and said to me, you are not going to give her the spa treatment when she is like this are you. I just looked at her and said I know what to do with my mother when she is tired and when she is awake. I don't need you telling me how to look after my mother. I repeated that I have over a decade of experience looking after someone with this disease. I am as experienced at this, as you are. So please do not tell me how to look after my mother.  I was being nice. I wanted to say I could do your job with ease and then some. But, again, I was being respectful to her feelings. So I write what I think down here.

Anyways I was only going to wash her face. I didn't want to fuss to much with mom. I just wanted to get that done and just hold her hand. Make her feel safe and secure. This I did.

Then I left after a half hour, I made sure mom was asleep before I left tonight.

I am not doing well with what the neurologist told me. Not at the acceptance level yet. Don't think I ever will be.

I already have allot on my plate without having to deal with a Parkinson's diagnosis. I need to move to White Rock. Yes the doctor did say that it could be years before the full affect of this disease manifests itself.

So like a brave little solider I move forward

Please continue to pray if any of you are actually praying for mom and I

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Sitting in it

Hello again

Well another day of dreaming that when I leave mom's place all I have to do is walk a few blocks and I am home. I stay latter to make sure mom is fully asleep.

Just a simple wish! Isn't it.

Of course we all dream of winning the lottery. Again just a dream for us all. I enter contests all the time, but I never win anything. Oh yea I won a $50. e-card last Christmas. Not the one that just passed.

So I arrived early so I could speak with the manager again. I am not comfortable bending over backwards for staff that have done nothing but provide hassles since September and an OT who finds nothing wrong with the staff tearing mom's clothing like they have. I don't see anything wrong with this. As I am telling her it is unexceptionable behavior. And to explain to the manager where I would like the nightgowns sewn too. I am compromising. Just to the seam of the gowns. Around the neck line.

Anyways, I like the fact that I got mom to eat Sushi at the age of 80. Very cool. Still no one has a definitive age for mom. 1928, 1929 or 1930 I ask three different people and get three different answers.

So as mentioned it was Sushi night for mom. She likes this once in awhile. It was good that I bring dinner, as mom was not even given the served dinner tonight. The one staff came in and asked if mom was done with her dinner. Well I guess she would be done if she was given her dinner. So the girl goes and finds mom's dinner. She didn't hear me when I said not to bother, because mom is finished now and onto dessert. She apologized. I said it was okay. Not to worry.

I will have to stop here and say this. I don't have any problems with the night staff. It is just the day staff, whom I do not even know, that I have a problem with.

Now after dinner, we all know I get mom changed into her nightgown and ready for bed. While taking her shirt off I noticed the bottom of the shirt was wet. When I got it off of her, I smelled it and it was wet with urine. So as I was taking off her pants I noticed the the bottom and down her legs were wet as well. And the seat of her chair was wet. I put on some gloves and I took her diaper off. I didn't want mom sitting in urine any longer than she had too. I put an extra bottom cover on her bed and then put her to bed. I had put a nightgown on her and new undershirt. I pushed the button for the care aid to come. Then checked mom again. When transferring her to bed I got her nightgown wet with urine, so I needed to change her again.  I said to the care aid, mom's cushion on her chair needs to be cleaned and I need to change mom's nightgown again. She started to help me, but to many people makes for complications. And I do very well at changing mom myself, without needing any help.

For mom to have made that kind of mess, she would of had to of gone to the bathroom at least several times over. Meaning mom had been siting in soiled diapers for hours. I was not impressed. This care aid started at 3:00 pm. And didn't even check to see if mom needed a change. Really now! Part of the job. Get on shift and check your charges! This is the exact kind of nonsense that I have to keep dealing with. I didn't bother getting into it with her. I will just bring it up when I write the complaint office again.

Oh yea I did manage to get mom personal health number. I don't know if I mentioned it at all. But I have it, but it is in a box, packed, and I have no idea what box it is in. Actually, I don't know what is in what box. It will be a surprise when I finally move to White Rock. If my dream does come true.

After this everything went as normal. The spa treatment, more to drink, something for a snack and then pack up, and hold her hand while she falls asleep.

Please pray that something good happens for mom and I. As in a I get a phone call from someone telling me that they have a perfect place for me. Provided that what I am saying about taking care of my mother is actually true.

Yes, most people do not believe I do what I do for my mother. That I have stopped my life to look after her. I don't think of it as stopping my life. I think of it as a new chapter of learning something that I needed to learn.

I was and am willing to do whatever it takes to look after mom. And travel as far as it takes to do this.

I have so far traveled all over the Lower Mainland to take care of mom. All the different places she has been in, and in all the different cities through out the Lower Mainland she has lived. And getting there anyway I could.

I heard a story. Of someone who traveled great distances to get to where they needed to be. And someone heard about this, started a go fund me page. And raise allot of funds for this individual.

That would be nice. I tried this for myself and failed miserably at it. I guess it has to come from someone else. I tried anyways.

Please continue to pray for mom and I.

If not for me, but for mom.

My Mother My Hero. For going through all that she is going through. With strength and courage.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Just a typical Vancouver day.Rain

Hello again

I arrived early again and mom was tired. When we went to her room, she wasn't as thirsty as she usually is. Mom did drink, but just wanted to go and have dinner. Knowing the sooner that was taken care of, the sooner I can get to bed and have my spa treatment.

Mom did eat, not that much at all, Just going by what she normally and can eat. It is okay though. Sometimes we are hungry and sometimes we are not hungry at all. I have many of those day's, These days I force myself to eat. I find eating very annoying. Yes I love to cook. Yet it is time consuming and I would rather not eat. I just eat as that is the only way I will stay alive.

We went back to mom's room, I got her changed and put her into bed. I was just going to start the spa treatment when the care aid came in to change mom. I went to the washroom and made some hot water for my tea.

Then when I returned I asked mom if she wanted the whole spa treatment and this she said yes to. Very clearly. That is just what she received.

And it was time for mom to sleep. I held her hand until I started to fall asleep myself, standing there. Then I knew it was time for me to go. I still had to pick mom up some things.

I got home and needed to do some laundry as well. So much for me getting home and going to bed after I downloaded somethings and wrote this today.

You know I have had some close medical scares in the last several years. Thought I had a heart attack, anxiety. Had a minor one. Doctors thought maybe I had cancer, just a viral infection lowering my white blood cell count. But now, Parkinson's. The neurologist can't tell by CT, MRI scans, Even the other test are not conclusive. But this is what he tells me I have. He doesn't have any other reason why I have a resting tremor in my right hand. Doesn't seem to be any other neurological problems. No nerve damage from the accident.

So piss me off.

I have a dream
Not a large dream
But a simple dream.
To live close to my mother
To be there more often
To do more for her
Let her feel the fresh air
Have a nice lunch
Just a simple dream'
Is it to much to ask
I think not.
I yearn to be living out their.

I do have larger dreams.
But they are only wants
or desires
or wishes

Money is evil
When you have none
And you need more
It would solve some
of my problems
Yet not solve the
problem of me.

Not the greatest, but it just came to me, so I had to write it down.

I am packed, except for the clothing I wear on a regular basis'. And a few drawers of things I use everyday. Socks, etc.........

I struggle to get by. I pray my simple prayer. I really can't afford allot, There is no one willing to give me a simple break. My add on Craigslist explains my plight and why I wish to move. Or should I say, why I need to move.

I will say again, that the most important thing in my life is to make sure my mother is treated well and gets the best care. This is includes myself taking care of her. Doing everything I can to make her life better.

Everything else can come after. Actually, the only thing keeping me together is me taking care of my mother. I feel at times I am loosing it.

Well please pray or something. I could really use some help of some kind. It has been a very long time since I have had a sit down conversation with someone, over coffee, and not spoken about looking after a loved one. This is what my conversation are about. It seems the only people I know are going through what I am going through, with the PGT, the care homes, the nurses, the care aids etc.........  etc.............  They phone to get advice from me, since I have been doing this for over a decade now. Have researched many different topics.

Okay I am done again for tonight. Back tomorrow.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland