And then again

Hello again

So the other day I mentioned that I would have to pay a service charge of $25.00 for physiotherapy. Well it is completely backwards. I am only covered for $25.00 and have to pay $60.00 myself. Come on now. I am hurt and I don't have this kind of money;.Yet my doctor wants me to go, for one to get assessed and to get better. This not going to happen anytime soon.

In order for me to pursue this I need to do exactly what the doctor orders me to do. ICBC wants me to call and give them more information. And I am seeing a lawyer next week. I will call ICBC on Monday.

Mom this week has a bit of stomach trouble. There is a bug going around the White Rock area. It was not pretty the other day.

I have been making her dinners and she has loved each and everyone of them. As stated before, as an example. Mom eats steak, I eat hamburger helper or don't eat at all.. This is the way it should be. OK I do need to eat, but if it comes down to mom eating well, then that is the way it is going to be. Mom is first and I am last. It is as simple as that.

I found a place, but as usual, it is just out of my price range. It is $750.00 per month everything included. I can only afford $600.00 It is 4 blocks away from mom's home. 15 minute walk, at the most. It is a large 1 bdrm.

So you could imagine that I am a little pissed off right now. And not thinking to clearly.   This is an ideal place for me. Living on my own.,  being close enough to bring mom over. A cheap taxi fair at least. It is even furnished. Well at least the living room and kitchen. Minus all the cook wear and utensils and the bedroom. I pretty sure I have bedroom furniture.

Now what to do, Take it and be completely broke all the time. No money for anything. At all.

I can't live here anymore, it is just to much for me to handle. I am in pain and no one here even cleans up after themselves. I do all the cleaning. But I can't do this anymore. It just hurts to much. So I am going to have to live in a pig sty.

It is not just my left knee anymore. Today, my right knee has been in so much pain. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to walk. I guess I will have to start taking the pain killers. I really don't like taking any medication. But the pain is to great for me to handle.

I need to be their for mom, she relies on me to put her to bed, she won't let anyone else to do this. To feed her etc... Everything I do on a daily basis'

It is midnight again and time for me to go.....

Please pray for me, that GOD see's fit to help me get this place.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Can it really be this difficult to live.

Hello again

Lonely, despair, forgotten. Can it be.
Living a life of isolation
Walking in the shadows of existence
Only to have one's self
To see life through

Eye's of doubt
Fill my day
Loss of energy
As I begin each day

To know, I fear
Which is not known
Of my lonely journey
To find solace in what I do

Anyways, I needed to write this. Just came to me as soon as I started to write this blog tonight. It is what I feel. I only want to live in White Rock. Maybe have a conversation with someone. Where it is not about them. A conversation about anything.

I do miss having conversations with people of equal intelligence. I am not saying that the majority of the people I see each day, cannot keep up with me. OK I am saying this a little.

I am tired of speaking about the weather or some nothing conversation.

I do speak with mom. And I try to understand most of what she says. Through body language, facial expressions. Mom speaks volumes.

Wednesday and it is one of the day's I wash mom's hair. She complains a little, but loves it none the less.

I brought mom a grilled cheese sandwich. Extra Old white cheddar on sourdough bread. This mom enjoyed greatly plus the salad she loves. When I make this salad, it is a huge bowl and lasts us, both, three meals. It is a meal unto its self. I try to make this once a month.

But now we are both a little tired of it. At least mom and I are getting the proper serving of vegetables that are recommended.

Again I am finding all of these places that are just out of my price range. I mean just a little. This really pisses me off.

I just want to live close to mom. Spend more time with her. Be able to make some extra money. I really feel stuck. It seems I am in this place and can't get out.

I hate living here. I don't even want to come home at night. To find a dirty place, after I cleaned before I left.

By living near mom. I would get home by 8 PM and be able get to bed before 3 AM. As it is now 12:39 AM and I won't be in bed for at least another few hours.

Mom deserves better, she deserves to have someone their to help her out more. Not that I don't do enough, but I need to do more.

OK I am done.

Please continue to pray that I find a place, which, of course, I can afford

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

I can't believe it

Hello again

I have been having problems with connecting to the Internet,. In the house there are 6 people with computers. And one asshole likes to stream all the time. Even though we have said that he is using to much bandwidth and no one else can do anything online.

I use to get a decent connection in my room. Now I can't even load a browser. Nothing. I have complained to the landlord, almost daily, and he has done nothing about it.

Another reason I need to move. Now if he doesn't do anything about it, right away, I will have to file a complaint with the Residential Tenancy Branch. I only care about the Internet. After all I have no TV or a TV connection in my room.

I am in extreme pain today. Went to the doctor, nothing broken in my knee. So I now need to go to physiotherapy. The problem with this is that there is a service charge, which is $25.00 each visit. And I don't have these funds. So I don't get better.

This is due to the bus accident. This is a major problem with being poor and disabled. Can't get help with anything. No one even gives a crap. I would know. I have been a caregiver to my mother for 8 years now, and before a caregiver to my father for 5 years. There is overlapping of course.

It is very lonely being a caregiver. Friends disappeared from my life. Completely disappeared. Besides my mother I am completely alone in life. Absolutely and completely alone. No one to speak with about anything. To discuss how things are going. Or even to have a coffee with and speak about random nothingness.
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I have no one in my life. OK, I made the decision not to date anyone. I made the decision to be my mothers caregiver. And I am proud of what I am doing. I am doing something worthwhile with my life. I am assisting another human being with their life. I am serving my mother. And by doing so, I am serving GOD.

I do believe that I am a joke to GOD. That HE finds endless humour with my life. I pray all the time. I speak with GOD all the time. I read the word everyday. Some times twice a day. At home, at night and then on my phone, while traveling to and from Coquitlam to White Rock.

I have no family for support. Basically mom and I are all alone in the journey. Apparently I have sisters and mom has a brother. But does anyone see any of them. Not at all

People say they are afraid or don't know how to act around mom. Well to freaking bad. Suck it up and do the right thing for once in your miserable lives. Instead of taking advantage of mom. Which they can't do anymore.

Yet I am really OK with their lack of interest. I actually prefer it this way. Keep the freak out of my way. Is all I have to say to them.

But it would be nice to speak with someone, outside of the home. With the meaningless pleasantries. I am board of speaking with these people. OK it is an asshole thing to say. But the truth is the truth.

Instead of helping each other with support. Everyone is to busy being selfish in their walk.

I am loosing my ability to speak. Since it is not often that I do this. These are things that happen when one is isolated from life as I am .

Again, this has nothing to do with me caring for my mother.  Which is the best part of my day. The part I look forward to.

Mom is the part of my life that makes me happy. Is it safe to make someone, that important in your life. Why yes it is. If I am willing to give up my life for my mother. Why wouldn't I enjoy having my mother part of my happiness.

The nurse is not on anymore and mom is eating much better, not so tired at dinner time. More aware. It makes a big difference who is working.

I need to go now. I am extremely pissed off at this new guy. He is an asshole and I won't be putting up with him much longer.

Sorry to even write that, but the truth is the truth.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland