It is getting more difficult as each.................

Hello again

As the title suggests, it is becoming more difficult with each passing day. Considering I still don't have my phone, no thanks to Sony. No answer yet either. I can't even properly get ahold of a bereavement counselor. I have this WiFi phone and as it suggests, it is only good when I am connected to WiFi. And that is only where I live, and spotty at that. I tried to call her back. But she was not available and I needed to leave.

I can't be here, I can't just sit here all alone, with no way of contacting anyone. And I found out that I can only talk on this WiFi phone for 10 minutes before they cut me off. Actually after 5 minutes they cut me off with a warning to follow letting me know I only have 5 minutes left for this call or I purchase credits to continue.

What can anyone talk about for 5 minutes. Not much.....

So  having a conversation with the bereavement line is out of the question. So now what. I am hurting very much.

I spent the last 7 years every single day, by my mothers side, taking care of her. And if mom would of lived another 10 years I would of still been by her side. Without a problem.

I am just saying this as that was my life, my whole life. I chose it to be that way. I believed in taking care of your loved one and still believe that and will always will. It was the way I was raised.

No so with others that I know. OK my sisters. They were never around while mom was alive for the last 10 -12 years of her life.  And now they want to take over everything.

I am in pain, I don't need this. I don't need Sony screwing me over, I don't need the BS of my sisters.

More on them another time.

I want to speak on Al Hogg. I was in there today, just to talk to a few of the daughters of residents and I was pulled aside and told not to come there anymore. That it is not good for me to be there. That it is not good for my grieving process. I told them that they don't know what is good for my grieving, That they have no idea what is or isn't good for me.

I do believe that it was Al Hogg that killed my mother. I told them not to give mom morphine and they did it anyways.  Two doses and then mom died. They told me we can if needed. we don't want to see her in pain.

Mom was not in pain, Mom was relaxed and fine until Al Hogg dosed mom. Within a day of Al Hogg giving mom teh morphine injections, mom passed away.

Yes I am in the blame stage. But I told them no, Repeatedly and they did it anyways. I need a good lawyer who will take this on pro bono.

It is the truth. As you can see by them telling me not to come there anymore. And the way they treated mom her last days. Was disgusting. I had to constantly tell them to not be so ruff on her. That mom is frail. To be more gentle. Heh, stop being so ruff on mom she is frail and weak. Becareful. I had repeated this many times But they did not listen to me.

As far as I am concerned Al Hogg killed my mother. It was there lack of respect for my decisions that led to her quick demise.

And today when I was there, Nothing. I was there for 4 and 1/2 years, every single day. And they acted as if they never met me before. I was a stranger. Hi as a they would say to a stranger. The children of parents showed me more decency then any staff member there. One of the individuals who was there telling me not to come anymore was a nurse who I had many conversations with and not even a sorry for your loss. None of them said this to me. 41/2 years spent at that place. I thought, and thought wrong, that we had a connection or at least friends. No I was wrong about everything.

I can't even be here in Coquitlam. All week I have been ridding the bus around at night. Staying out as late as I can. Not to be here alone. OK when I am ridding the bus, I am around people. Not by myself, in a room, with no one to speak with.

I still have not had a conversation with anyone about my loss. No one. I am dying inside, I am afraid.

I AM ALONE!

Kris

Just bad

Hello again

Nothing new, still alone and very devastated. This is something I am not going to be getting over anytime soon.

No phone except this wifi phone and it is very spotty. If I am not standing in the right place it cuts in and out. With an old phone that needs to be plugged in or it shuts down. And it still cuts in and out.

I need to call for counseling services. And for them to get back to me as well as many, many other calls.

Sony sent me an email, telling me the same thing. No time frame.

I spent the day at a funeral home and they want $40,000 to put my mother and father just in a wall, side by side. Plus another $11,000 for the cremation and cards, food and urn and to hold the ceremony

It is $35,000 + to have someone buried in this place.

I was there at 8:30 am. So I didn't sleep last night. I needed to be up and gone by 6:45 am. I heard my sister wrong. I thought she said 8:30 but it was 9:45. Left there at 2 I think.

I spent the rest of the day just riding the bus. Aimlessly

I am so glad mom has found peace. The last few months were very hard on her. I do miss her with all of my heart.

I can't stop crying I walk down the street and start crying. I am on the bus and start crying. I am avoiding the people I talk to on the bus, bus drivers. I just can't bring myself to say anything without just breaking down/

I really don't feel well.

I need GOD's help. Right now. I am not making it through the days very well....

I don't want to be here. To what sit in my room. I don't know what to do.

I have already been told to get a job. I am disabled and this is making things far worse

I miss my mother.

I knew it. Both my sister are just cold about everything. They didn't spend anytime with mom. I have already been told that there won't be many people coming from mom's side of the family.

I was there for every moment of mom's last 10 years. I even offered to print all the photo's I have taken of mom over these years and the sister say we don't want them that is not mom.

Yes it was. It was part of her life. She still looked beautiful to me. No matter what was happening to her. Even at the end mom was beautiful. I wish I would of taken a photo of her. The last photo.

I am crying while I am typing this.

No groceries in my fridge. Like I said I was to busy taking care of mom these last few months to go. I had some money then.

The home and the PGT are holding my mother's wheelchair hostage. Even though my sisters said they don't want it.

I will be going to the police in White Rock tomorrow and reporting this. The PGT are finished with mom. It is mom's property and I am her son.

I am bringing it back here tomorrow and if my sisters have something to say about it. Then they can come here and talk to me about it.

It is no longer going to stay in the home.

I don't know what to do. I am feeling pain in my left arm.

I need your prayers now more than ever.

I thank you for praying for mom.

GOD please help me.

No one in my family is getting it. They were not there all these years.

Kris

Reality has not set in.

Hello again

I still don't believe mom has passed away. I am extremely lost.

Mom was my entire life. It was just her and me. That was it.

There is nobody else. I am all alone now. With no phone to call for help. counseling. Of course there is no one else to call. As I said I am all alone now.

I have no friends. They all stopped talking to me because they thought that me looking after my mother and spending so much time doing so. Was a waste of my time. They were the waste of time.

And one might think that I would get some kind of support from someone. What I got was not even a day of support from one member of my family. A cousin. She has a family, so she needs to be with them as well. I do thank her for her time. Then they are back to their normal lives.

So here I am not wanting to be where I am and with no one to talk to. No one to help me through this time. I grieve alone.

Not a single individual. I spoke with a pastor that I ran into yesterday. From a church I use to go to. I really thought he would of told the members and someone, anyone would of reached out to me. to comfort me in my time of grieving

Again, no one, nothing. IT IS DAWNING ON ME I AM TRULY ALONE NOW. I wasn't prepared for this. Yes I knew one day mom was not going to make it and it would be her time.

I am still waiting for mom to come and visit me. Some don't believe in this. But I believe in the after life and us having a soul.

For the first time I don't want to be alone. I need someone to hold me, talk to me, sit with me.

For the first time I do truly realize this is a lonely  world. I was raised that we reach out to people in there time of need. To comfort them. To be there for them. I am blinded by what I see on TV. All the people coming forth and comforting you, grieving with you. Brining food and whatever is needed. Nope,again. Not letting you be alone, not  even for a minute. What is seen on TV makes this for a great let down.

I am on the bus and trying not to cry, but I just can't stop myself. Do you think a single person would come over and ask what is wrong. Nope!

 It doesn't help that I don't have a phone either. Sony is to blame for this. There constant BS and back and forth. If they would of honored the warranty My phone would be back by now and I would be able to do the things that need to be done for my mother.

So instead of grieving, I have to be writing them, writing CBC go public, the better business bureau etc to file complaints against Sony. Causing me grief in my time of extreme sorrow.

This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I have been going out to White Rock these past two days. As this is what I do. Get up, get ready and go to White Rock.

I want to move and move right away. I can't be here any longer. Everything, plus now, mom's things are crammed into my room. I can't leave anything out. Or it will get stolen.

Here is another big problem.

I DON'T HAVE A BLACK SUIT TO WEAR TO THE FUNERAL. I don't have any money at all.

It would be a complete lack of respect to my mother if I am not wearing a suit. A black suit. I don't even have any decent clothing. I need to be dressed  up like mom remembers me being. Wearing a suit and tie. Like I have for many years in the past.

It was mom's time I know this. Mom gave me an extra 5 or 6 weeks to be by her side and that is what I did. 6 or 7 hours a day for the last two months. I do thank GOD for this extra time with mom.

But now I need GOD's help.To get a suit.A black suit.

Everyone is telling me to eat. I got tired of hearing this, so I started to lie to them and telling them I am eating. I have not eaten since last Friday. I was to busy worrying about mom. I am just not hungry. Not at all. All I want is my  tea and that is it. I am almost out of this and no way of buying anymore.
'
I guess it is a good thing I have no groceries in the place. It doesn't matter anyways. I just don't care.

GOD bless

Kris Schmuland

Mom

Hello again

Well my mother is not doing well at all. In fact she is dying. There is no turning back this time. I have been beside her since yesterday afternoon. I stayed there last night.Holding her hand. Even while I slept. The staff were nice and brought me a comfortable chair to sleep in. I didn`t get much sleep. I was holding her hand on her chest and every once in a while I thought she stopped breathing, I would wake up and check. I don`t know why but this just happened.

Her breathing is getting very bad. She is going through everything one does when they are at the end of their life. I am seeing everything. 

I have not stopped crying for the last four days. I just can't stop. I am in pain but my mother is in more pain then I am... I know this for sure.

I don't know what to do, not a single person is here for mom or myself.I am sorry that is not true. My dear cousin Renee has been her for me. Came yesterday afternoon when arrive, she was there and early today, then after.

I had the priest come in and give mom her last rights. I guess that is what you call it.

Hello. 

The nurse came in and I stopped writing this, She turned mom, I was holding her hand and my other hand was on her chest feeling her breathing. 

That was it. She took her last few breaths and died. 

Right there and then. 

I feel really guilty I was even writing this blog post. But I was holding her hand at the end. I never stopped holding her hand. I always held her hand. All the time. 

This was the last time I get to do this. I did give her the last spa treatment today. And before I left, I went back into the room and sang our good night song to her. 

I am a wreck now. 

Thanks to Sony I have had no phone. I could call anyone. One member of my family wanted me to call him. Can`t and couldn`t Thanks to Sony

I am talking to my mother asking her if she would come to me and speak with me. To guide me from now on. 

Look I have no one. My cousin want me to keep in touch with her daily. I have no way of doing this. And email is to lonely. 

I have spent the past 10 years or more looking after my mother. I kept going back to mom, while lying there, thinking she was still alive. Asking the nurse if they were sure she was dead. I say mom in a body bag,That was the worst possible thing I could ever see. 

It mean it is really over. I still can`t believe it. 

I really think I am done. I don`t know what to do. 

What really bothered me was the staff coming in within an hour asking me to take her stuff, clean out the room. While mom was still lying there. With no respect for my poor mother. Just lying there while we are cleaning out her room she has lived in for years. Just like that. 

Enough of that. My sisters were called, they arrived. 

First I want to thank my cousin Renee, If it were not for her, I would not of been able to bring mom`s belongings back.

Anyways my sisters came, They said there goodbyes to mom and we discussed the arrangements. Mom and dad are going to be interned in the same cemetery, where my grandmother and grandfather are buried. There ashes we be placed in, I don`t know what to call it, I know what it is, but to stressed out to remember it. Anyways together in the wall.  The most important thing is mom and dad are together. 

I am in shock. and very upset. 

I don`t know what I am going to do. 

GOD bless and good night. 

Kris Schmuland. 

I am going to continue to write and write exactly what I am going through.