Hello again
I am not sure what to write. Mom has not gotten sick from the stomach flu that is going around the floor. 6 nurses and care aids have succumbed to the illness, so far/. More residents are getting sick. No one wants to come to the floor. I have not even seen the familiar faces of the residents loved one's. But mom is fine. So am I.
I have no spleen, lost it when I was 5 years old. So I am to have a suppressed immune system. Causing me to get sick more often then the average individual. Well it has worked the opposite in me.
I am also outside allot and getting exercise. I let the rain fall upon my head. And I like it.
Now the problem I have is that mom has been stuck in her room for a week now. I do want to thank the morning shift for turning mom's bed, as I have asked, so she can at least see the TV. The way they had it, mom could not see, as the padding on the railings was blocking her view. So if any of you are reading this. I thank you.
I think tomorrow I will take mom out to our spot, by the balcony, for dinner. Change of scenery will also do her good.
Bath day today, so mom was in bed all day. After dinner I changed her sheets again. Yes i did it early this week, but she was in bed for 4 days straight. They needed to be changed.
For me. I need help and I can't get any.
Yes there are a few or many of you who think I don't need help. Get a job and you won't go without. I tell you this. I have a job that most of you would not even consider doing. And I have been doing this for a very long time. I have not missed one single day since mom has been living in White Rock. I do everything for my mother once I am their. Yes even changing her pad/diaper. No one pays me for this. No one helps me with this. Not a single person has even thought of giving me any kind of assistance. So walk a mile in my shoes. I love doing this. The smile on my mother's face when I leave makes it all worth while.
GOD doesn't even help me. GOD helps those who helps themselves. Well I am doing everything I can to get some kind of assistance. And nothing. I keep getting turned down. Even my doctor has back peddled on what he originally wrote.I am on the phone for hours each week trying to get something happening. Now I have to get the form back from the doctor and find someone else to fill it out. This is going to be an interesting conversation on Monday with the doctor
I need the form back. But why. If you are not going to sign it, I need to find someone who will. Another doctor. It is time sensitive.
I need hearing aids. I would like to hear properly.I am not loosing my hearing, I am partially deaf now. I don't hear behind me. This is a huge stressor for me. Causing me to be turning around all the time, To see if there is anyone behind me. Or a car right behind me.I have this other condition that the neurologist is telling me I have. Parkinson's. I will wait for a second opinion. As it is I am freaking out. My right hand is shaking allot.
I go to the food bank this past week and all that was in the bag was cereal, pasta and canned foods. I gave the canned foods to someone else as well as the cereal. I don't even have anything to go with the pasta. And because I am gluten sensitive, I am not even suppose to eat this type of pasta. Made with white flour.
I can't even eat healthy. I am mostly vegetarian. I do eat chicken and sometimes beef. That is it. So if I can't even eat healthy then I guess I won't eat at all. I just can't eat anything from a can. I get sick. So again. If I can't eat healthy, I just won't be eating. As it is now.
Now mom knows nothing about what is happening in my life. I would never tell her anything like what is really happening. I hate to lie to her, but she doesn't need to hear any of this. Mom has enough going on already.
Do any of you really know what it is like to live with strokes or dementia or both . Or do you know what it is like to be wheelchair bound and completely dependent on everyone for everything. No you don't. I do! I have seen my mother go through everything that has happened to her. I have been there.Without fail.
So if you wish to judge me, again walk a mile in my shoes. You would never be able to do it for one thing. No one could ride the bus everyday for hours at a time as I do. From the mountains to the ocean. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Daily. And not complain about it.
I am not complaining. I do it, as it needs to be done. I have no family, I have no friends. I am by myself and doing everything by myself. Does anyone even think this is the only thing I do, is write this blog. NO! I fight with the PGT and am in the middle of something with them now. I fight Fraser health. Trying to get some action for a staff member smashing my mother's head with the lift bar. We don't know who was on that day. They know exactly who was on that day. But refuse to admit it. To deny, isn't life grand. That alone takes a very long time to do anything. To much red tape. Fill this form out. Sign this release form.Wait two months to be told, we don't know.
Than on top of this I do everything I can to make my mother's life better each and everyday. I am worried about her all the time. I try to get in touch with her doctor, but her never returns my calls. There are many things I need to discuss with him.
It is a full time job doing what I do for mom. And I love doing this for her.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland
Oh yes.
I do want to thank all who read this Blog. From countries all over the world. I thank you!
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Thursday, March 5, 2015
An outbreak
Hello again
So I am down to 2 two packs of smokes a week now. I smoke more during the day, waiting for buses, than on my way home. If I time it right, I may smoke one 1 cigarette on my way home.That is when I get off my last bus for the walk home. Then I may have one more before I go to bed.
Well the outbreak is still in full force. And residents are being kept in their room to contain the contaminant from spreading. They aren't taking into consideration that I am a carrier and have already spread the contaminant all over the place. Stomach flu. It is okay I do say. I am not sick, nor is mom and I don't think either of us will become ill.
I have no spleen so my immune system is already compromised to begin with,. I am just not getting sick ( I am outside allot) and I feed mom a very healthy diet. Mom is just getting bored of having to stay in her room and sit in the chair. Which is better. Mom being in bed all day, for the duration of this outbreak or getting her up and dressed. Even though she remains in her room. I think the latter. As long as they, either have the stereo on or the TV. Not as it was today,. Mom is just sitting there with nothing on to keep her entertained.
It is a ghost town on the floor. Sparse Today there were four people in the dinning hall, up from two yesterday. And these residents are not sure of what to make of it. Very quiet.
Now mom, besides, being bored is happy. I am not sure how she is when I am not their, but she is all smiles when I arrive.
We had dinner and then I put her to bed. I can't have her sitting in her chair for 20 minutes, especially after her dinner and dessert. At this point all mom wants to do is go to bed. And I accommodate her. This way by the time the care aid comes to change her, we are already finished her nightly spa treatment. I go an do the dishes and when I return all mom wants to do at this point is hold my hand while she falls asleep. She has already had a neck massage and foot massage. Lotions and hand cream.
Now I am still not to impressed and I am having to spend allot of time trying to find someone to assist me with this situation concerning the form that needs to be signed. I need to have it returned to the advocate by the 18th.
I am not doing well, but I will never let mom see or know about it. She has enough to deal with without hearing about my problems. So when I arrive I put on a smile. It isn't difficult, since I want to be their and enjoy every minute of it. This is what I do, I take care of mom. I miss her each night. I look forward to bringing a smile to her face each day.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
So I am down to 2 two packs of smokes a week now. I smoke more during the day, waiting for buses, than on my way home. If I time it right, I may smoke one 1 cigarette on my way home.That is when I get off my last bus for the walk home. Then I may have one more before I go to bed.
Well the outbreak is still in full force. And residents are being kept in their room to contain the contaminant from spreading. They aren't taking into consideration that I am a carrier and have already spread the contaminant all over the place. Stomach flu. It is okay I do say. I am not sick, nor is mom and I don't think either of us will become ill.
I have no spleen so my immune system is already compromised to begin with,. I am just not getting sick ( I am outside allot) and I feed mom a very healthy diet. Mom is just getting bored of having to stay in her room and sit in the chair. Which is better. Mom being in bed all day, for the duration of this outbreak or getting her up and dressed. Even though she remains in her room. I think the latter. As long as they, either have the stereo on or the TV. Not as it was today,. Mom is just sitting there with nothing on to keep her entertained.
It is a ghost town on the floor. Sparse Today there were four people in the dinning hall, up from two yesterday. And these residents are not sure of what to make of it. Very quiet.
Now mom, besides, being bored is happy. I am not sure how she is when I am not their, but she is all smiles when I arrive.
We had dinner and then I put her to bed. I can't have her sitting in her chair for 20 minutes, especially after her dinner and dessert. At this point all mom wants to do is go to bed. And I accommodate her. This way by the time the care aid comes to change her, we are already finished her nightly spa treatment. I go an do the dishes and when I return all mom wants to do at this point is hold my hand while she falls asleep. She has already had a neck massage and foot massage. Lotions and hand cream.
Now I am still not to impressed and I am having to spend allot of time trying to find someone to assist me with this situation concerning the form that needs to be signed. I need to have it returned to the advocate by the 18th.
I am not doing well, but I will never let mom see or know about it. She has enough to deal with without hearing about my problems. So when I arrive I put on a smile. It isn't difficult, since I want to be their and enjoy every minute of it. This is what I do, I take care of mom. I miss her each night. I look forward to bringing a smile to her face each day.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
It is never
Hello again
I am still upset and have no clue what I am going to do now, Okay, I will find a doctor that will help me out. I spoke with the advocate and she suggested a doctor for me to call. I will be doing this tomorrow.
And my day was not very good. It seems that my life is falling apart in front of me. Nothing is working, no matter what I do. I am blindly going through these last few days. I am now constantly looking behind me as I just can't hear anything until it reaches the side of me. So I am now, I guess, paranoid.
I arrive, without a dinner for mom. just have nothing to make something with. This needs to change soon. I don't care if I go without anything. But mom needs a good home cooked meal each day. This keeps her healthy.
Anyways. I arrived to find that there were only a handful of residents in the main hall. Everyone else is in their rooms. This gasterol flu is running rampant. Residents are dropping like flies. They are getting sick I mean.
But not mom. I don't recall mom being sick since she has been there. Even the care aids, nurses and manager say, she doesn't get sick.
I don't get sick and I am always holding mom's hand. So I would say that whatever keeps me from getting sick is helping mom stay healthy. Or it could just be the fact I pump allot of fresh foods into her.
The biggest problem being, mom is in bed and the railing is up. The TV on and the padding on the railing is blocking mom's view of the TV.
I did speak with the nurse and mom will be up tomorrow, provided she doesn't get sick. This way I can wash mom's hair and put on clean sheets.Even though I put new one's on her bed Saturday. Mom has been in bed since then and sweating. So this will be refreshing for her.
Crap just won't stop. I have nothing. Going to be along month. I really wonder how long a human can go without.
GOD Bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I am still upset and have no clue what I am going to do now, Okay, I will find a doctor that will help me out. I spoke with the advocate and she suggested a doctor for me to call. I will be doing this tomorrow.
And my day was not very good. It seems that my life is falling apart in front of me. Nothing is working, no matter what I do. I am blindly going through these last few days. I am now constantly looking behind me as I just can't hear anything until it reaches the side of me. So I am now, I guess, paranoid.
I arrive, without a dinner for mom. just have nothing to make something with. This needs to change soon. I don't care if I go without anything. But mom needs a good home cooked meal each day. This keeps her healthy.
Anyways. I arrived to find that there were only a handful of residents in the main hall. Everyone else is in their rooms. This gasterol flu is running rampant. Residents are dropping like flies. They are getting sick I mean.
But not mom. I don't recall mom being sick since she has been there. Even the care aids, nurses and manager say, she doesn't get sick.
I don't get sick and I am always holding mom's hand. So I would say that whatever keeps me from getting sick is helping mom stay healthy. Or it could just be the fact I pump allot of fresh foods into her.
The biggest problem being, mom is in bed and the railing is up. The TV on and the padding on the railing is blocking mom's view of the TV.
I did speak with the nurse and mom will be up tomorrow, provided she doesn't get sick. This way I can wash mom's hair and put on clean sheets.Even though I put new one's on her bed Saturday. Mom has been in bed since then and sweating. So this will be refreshing for her.
Crap just won't stop. I have nothing. Going to be along month. I really wonder how long a human can go without.
GOD Bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I am being screwed
Hello again
Today has been an extremely difficult day. I have been trying everything to get something happening and today I was screwed by my doctor..
Before I go on with that I just got off the phone with the crises line and that was a waste of my time. I was even blown off by them.
I feel that I am not even speaking English when having a conversation with allot of people. I speak and they give me a blank look. As if I am speaking to a wall. I am stressed out and not doing well. I tried to speak with person at the crises line and she tells me that she has to let me go now and have a good evening. Hope everything works out for you. WHAT THE FUCK was that about.
So I have seen an advocate concerning my application for disability, We get this done and she tells me that all the doctor has to do is read it and sign it. That she did everything for him. The ministry has certain wording that they require and this is what the advocate did.
I took the document to the doctors today, thinking, great one step closer now to getting what I need. I wait and then tell the doctor I need him to read this and sign it. Well the doctor tells me he needs to review it. It is one page for him to read. I can't do it now, he tells me. It is one page I say. It says in the letter that you have this. I didn't write that he tells me. I say it is in the original letter that is attached to this document. Well it says severe. I just said you have osteoporosis in your knee's,not severe osteoporosis. This is an appeal and is time sensitive. I ask how long will it take him. He tells me a month. No good to me then. I will have to start all over.
I then bring up not being able to hear anyone behind me. It is freaking me out. He tells me I need to get my hearing tested. I did and you have a copy of what the doctors findings. I was turned down by the ministry and the only way to get hearing aids is to get on disability. Which you are stopping from doing.
I don't have $5000 dollars for hearing aids. And my hearing is getting worse. I am essentially deaf from hearing behind me. It is freaking me out, I am now, constantly having to turn around to see if there is anyone behind me.
Examples: The nurse walks in, my back is turned away from the door. I turn around and there she is, standing there. I didn't hear her open the door and come in. A blind women was behind me tapping her cane and I didn't hear her until she was beside me. A scooter came up behind me and I didn't hear it until it was beside me and the women yelling excuse me, didn't you hear me. No I said. This women, walking loudly, didn't hear her until she was beside me. People at mom's home talking to me from behind. I don't hear them. Part of loosing my hearing.
I have told the doctor what conditions I have and he says how do I know this. I say it is in my medical records. Well I don't have time to read everyones files. Then today he finds some records from 2008 from a psychiatrist saying that I have problem but I can still be a part of society..
That was 7 years ago and allot of things have happened since then. Two car accidents, my father passing away, mom getting worse. And my depression deepening. Speaking of depression. I should of been diagnosed with clinical depression long ago. It has been 20 years that I have felt this way. I have taken all sorts of anti-depressants and nothing has helped. High doses of medication. Nothing. I have seen a shit load of psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors and still feeling it.
I have an opportunity for housing in White Rock, but I am not 55 or over, Yet I can get in since I am disabled. But I need to be on disability to qualify, if I am under 55. Subsidize housing
These are but a few of my problems. I have a shit load of them. 20 years in the making. I have not even had a relationship in that long. Really. And I don't remember the last time I had an actual conversation with someone. That didn't involve them telling me everything bit of their problems. Another example. I know the bus driver on the way home tonight. As soon as he started to drive away for the station, he started telling me all about his problems I know so much about allot of these drivers and other people. I never say anything to anyone about what has been said to me. This is the way it is always. Everyone telling me all about their problems. I don't even get to say anything about what I am dealing with.
Anyways, there is a gasterol infection going through the home where mom is. They have everyone in there wings and the doors to those wings are closed. And mom was in bed. Though she is not sick, they still had her in bed. Another REALLY. She ate well and had her desserts without any problems. We will see if mom is in bed tomorrow. Not liking it. Mom does not need to be in bed if she is not sick.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Today has been an extremely difficult day. I have been trying everything to get something happening and today I was screwed by my doctor..
Before I go on with that I just got off the phone with the crises line and that was a waste of my time. I was even blown off by them.
I feel that I am not even speaking English when having a conversation with allot of people. I speak and they give me a blank look. As if I am speaking to a wall. I am stressed out and not doing well. I tried to speak with person at the crises line and she tells me that she has to let me go now and have a good evening. Hope everything works out for you. WHAT THE FUCK was that about.
So I have seen an advocate concerning my application for disability, We get this done and she tells me that all the doctor has to do is read it and sign it. That she did everything for him. The ministry has certain wording that they require and this is what the advocate did.
I took the document to the doctors today, thinking, great one step closer now to getting what I need. I wait and then tell the doctor I need him to read this and sign it. Well the doctor tells me he needs to review it. It is one page for him to read. I can't do it now, he tells me. It is one page I say. It says in the letter that you have this. I didn't write that he tells me. I say it is in the original letter that is attached to this document. Well it says severe. I just said you have osteoporosis in your knee's,not severe osteoporosis. This is an appeal and is time sensitive. I ask how long will it take him. He tells me a month. No good to me then. I will have to start all over.
I then bring up not being able to hear anyone behind me. It is freaking me out. He tells me I need to get my hearing tested. I did and you have a copy of what the doctors findings. I was turned down by the ministry and the only way to get hearing aids is to get on disability. Which you are stopping from doing.
I don't have $5000 dollars for hearing aids. And my hearing is getting worse. I am essentially deaf from hearing behind me. It is freaking me out, I am now, constantly having to turn around to see if there is anyone behind me.
Examples: The nurse walks in, my back is turned away from the door. I turn around and there she is, standing there. I didn't hear her open the door and come in. A blind women was behind me tapping her cane and I didn't hear her until she was beside me. A scooter came up behind me and I didn't hear it until it was beside me and the women yelling excuse me, didn't you hear me. No I said. This women, walking loudly, didn't hear her until she was beside me. People at mom's home talking to me from behind. I don't hear them. Part of loosing my hearing.
I have told the doctor what conditions I have and he says how do I know this. I say it is in my medical records. Well I don't have time to read everyones files. Then today he finds some records from 2008 from a psychiatrist saying that I have problem but I can still be a part of society..
That was 7 years ago and allot of things have happened since then. Two car accidents, my father passing away, mom getting worse. And my depression deepening. Speaking of depression. I should of been diagnosed with clinical depression long ago. It has been 20 years that I have felt this way. I have taken all sorts of anti-depressants and nothing has helped. High doses of medication. Nothing. I have seen a shit load of psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors and still feeling it.
I have an opportunity for housing in White Rock, but I am not 55 or over, Yet I can get in since I am disabled. But I need to be on disability to qualify, if I am under 55. Subsidize housing
These are but a few of my problems. I have a shit load of them. 20 years in the making. I have not even had a relationship in that long. Really. And I don't remember the last time I had an actual conversation with someone. That didn't involve them telling me everything bit of their problems. Another example. I know the bus driver on the way home tonight. As soon as he started to drive away for the station, he started telling me all about his problems I know so much about allot of these drivers and other people. I never say anything to anyone about what has been said to me. This is the way it is always. Everyone telling me all about their problems. I don't even get to say anything about what I am dealing with.
Anyways, there is a gasterol infection going through the home where mom is. They have everyone in there wings and the doors to those wings are closed. And mom was in bed. Though she is not sick, they still had her in bed. Another REALLY. She ate well and had her desserts without any problems. We will see if mom is in bed tomorrow. Not liking it. Mom does not need to be in bed if she is not sick.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Lost
Hello again
GOD is lost to me or I am lost to GOD. Either way I am not feeling it anymore. If there were a GOD I would be living in White Rock already. Not stuck here in Coquitlam, not wanting to be here. Living in a room. Doing everything in a room. Contemplating life, watching life go by. The room is my dinning room, my office, my living room. All wrapped into a room, that is getting smaller by the day. I have everything packed. Mostly.
I use to get feelings and if I went along with what I felt, things would work out. Now my feelings are all wrong. I don't trust my gut feelings anymore.
I am becoming illiterate by the day. This could be due to not having meaningful conversations throughout my day. Or at all.
I think mom might of had anther small stroke. She is drooling more often than before. And of course there is no doctor to see if this actually happened. Or to have an x-ray of her left shoulder. or her chest. I say mom is coughing more often, they say they have not witnessed it. I say I want an x-ray of her chest done. They say we will monitor it and will see if it warrants it.
These are the things I want done right away. Not when something goes wrong. Tonight mom was tired and listless, drooling all over her right side. Leaning to the right. And no bib on her,
I made what I could for her dinner this evening. She ate allot of it. But wanted to wait until the served dinner came. Of course they were really behind on getting dinner to the residents. I had to go and check on mom's dinner three times before it was ready. Mom only ate half of it, but she was not wanting anymore of the fish I made for her. So she decided to wait until I brought back the served dinner for her.
After it was the usual, brush her teeth, give her the nightly spa treatment etc.......
Well we finished really early. And I was in no hurry to get back here. If it was hot out I would of just slept on the beach. I hate being here. So after finishing early, Mom grabbed for my hand and I stayed much latter this evening. Just standing there holding her hand.
I need to go I am not sleeping. If you call waking up every two hours sleep. Then I guess I am sleeping.
Kristopher Schmuland
GOD is lost to me or I am lost to GOD. Either way I am not feeling it anymore. If there were a GOD I would be living in White Rock already. Not stuck here in Coquitlam, not wanting to be here. Living in a room. Doing everything in a room. Contemplating life, watching life go by. The room is my dinning room, my office, my living room. All wrapped into a room, that is getting smaller by the day. I have everything packed. Mostly.
I use to get feelings and if I went along with what I felt, things would work out. Now my feelings are all wrong. I don't trust my gut feelings anymore.
I am becoming illiterate by the day. This could be due to not having meaningful conversations throughout my day. Or at all.
I think mom might of had anther small stroke. She is drooling more often than before. And of course there is no doctor to see if this actually happened. Or to have an x-ray of her left shoulder. or her chest. I say mom is coughing more often, they say they have not witnessed it. I say I want an x-ray of her chest done. They say we will monitor it and will see if it warrants it.
These are the things I want done right away. Not when something goes wrong. Tonight mom was tired and listless, drooling all over her right side. Leaning to the right. And no bib on her,
I made what I could for her dinner this evening. She ate allot of it. But wanted to wait until the served dinner came. Of course they were really behind on getting dinner to the residents. I had to go and check on mom's dinner three times before it was ready. Mom only ate half of it, but she was not wanting anymore of the fish I made for her. So she decided to wait until I brought back the served dinner for her.
After it was the usual, brush her teeth, give her the nightly spa treatment etc.......
Well we finished really early. And I was in no hurry to get back here. If it was hot out I would of just slept on the beach. I hate being here. So after finishing early, Mom grabbed for my hand and I stayed much latter this evening. Just standing there holding her hand.
I need to go I am not sleeping. If you call waking up every two hours sleep. Then I guess I am sleeping.
Kristopher Schmuland
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