Things seem to just be getting worse

Hello again

If I don't already have enough problems, more are now added to the list.

I had an appointment with the doctor today. Results of my blood tests and a few other tests. So here it is I have high blood pressure on the top end. I have to eliminate my stress. The doctor and counselor has told me what to do.  I have high cholesterol. I need to change my diet for this, to reduce my cholesterol.

Now for the good stuff. I have diabetes. I have started to take the first set of medications, to see if this helps. There is a whole list of things I need to do now. Change my diet, stop smoking ( not going to happen while I am still..... ) Get more exercise.  I am going to have to figure out how I am going to get the cash to pay for a blood sugar monitor. I have to reduce my.

Now here is the good part. I have blood in my stool. Which mean I now have to go to a specialist to see if I have Colan cancer. Yes that is what the doctor thinks I have.

Now this is on top of having Parkinson's Disease , fybromyalgia, Osteopinia, Long thoracic nerve damage in my right shoulder  I am in pain 24/7. A lower back injury (fractured my L5, L6 in a car accident) So my lower back goes out every three to four weeks and is out for about 4 or 5 days. I am so use to this, I can deal with the pain..

I have an extremely high pain threshold.

Yes my new doctor seems very nice. When he told me that I had diabetes, he asked if I new I had it and asked if any of my previous doctors told me. He said I have had it for a while and why was I not told about it. I could of died because of this. He stated that I am messed up, but we are going to work on getting things better.

We had a conversation about a few other things as well. But not now.

I am so tired I have been up really early for three days now and not getting to bed until late, well early.

I need to say good night to all of you. I will write again tomorrow.

Sincerely

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

I am just a lost individual

Hello again

I spoke, again, with the grief counselor and we discussed my faith. What I am doing now is just not working anymore. I read the word and it isn't the same. I believe I have no faith anymore. But it could be I just need to find out what the next step in my faith that might work, or not. Over the last many years I have had faith, but the last few years I could feel it changing. Not the same. I understand the word very well. I can give examples that one can apply to their real world situations. OK I can't quote the bible exactly, but I can tell one what it means and how to use it, or how to take it. This is what it says in the bible, take it for what you will.

We discussed my guilt towards not doing as much as I could during mom's last few weeks. That I feel I should of fought harder against the staff to make sure they did exactly as I stated. They thought they knew better than me. Wrong. I have dealt with this for a very long time. Years before my mother became ill. I have done my research, extensive research on all the modern approaches to dealing with Alzheimer's and strokes. More than I can say they have done. They are all old school. I am up to date on this subject.

As well as we discussed what I need to be doing to help deal with my grief. Needing to change things so my life is simple and not complicated, as it is now. You understand without me saying anything.

I want to talk about mom more. OK I want to talk about mom allot more. Who she was, how she was, what happened during the last months of her life. I wrote down what happened. But that is not speaking on my beautiful mom.

It is a shame that I am in this situation. I did not trust my own intuition. That said it was a wrong choice to make. But I needed out of where I was and out right away. To many memories and I could barely deal with it, just being there only for a few hours each day. Besides sleeping. I would not of been able to deal with that place with the amount of time I now have on my hands.

It will be better, I hope. I am just upset, I feel I am being punished because I took care of my mother all those years. I feel guilty by even making that statement. I did what was right, but that also wrecked my credit rating. So when I apply, that is checked and it is not good.

OK I am done again. I need to be up really early tomorrow. I most likely not get much sleep. Being an insomniac. I am still use to being up late. As I don't want to get back until late. Than write, download and watch. I am still behind in my correspondence. Hard to catch up when one doesn't get back until 10 pm. .

I will try to write again tomorrow night. Doctors appointment the next morning Friday, at 11 am.


Sincerely

Kristopher Schmuland

The lists are endless

Hello again

Every time I turn around there is another list. I can't even get anything of mine done. Well no more. I spoke with my counselor and he has stated that I am to not do this anymore. For my own sanity. I have so much of my own crap to do and get through. I am not capable of doing anything for anyone.

I am not doing anything anymore around here. I can't take it anymore. Everyone expects me to get things done. Then with the fake compliments. Really, they just think I am stupid and don't know the bullshit that is trying to be sold to me.

I am not well lately. I don't feel good, I feel that I am boxed into a corner. I have no real freedom to do as I wish.

Today I needed to just be by myself, with no one around me. Just me. I got exactly 4 hours of it. I need and want 24/7 of just me time.

So I am now trying to get something done tonight. I needed to write the police officer and send her some photo's of mom's chair. But the email address is wrong and gmail won;t except it. Can't send it. And Gmail won't let me go far enough back in my photo's to get the photo's that I need. Piss me off as it is I am already extremely pissed off. Can't say anything without someone getting upset. I speak my mind and it seems that I can't do that here.

I can't even write what I want.

I have so much to do. I am just stuck and don't know where to start.

I want to write about mom. I need to write about mom.

I need to give mom and memorial service. Again I ask for your help. No one else seems to want to assist  me with this.

https;//www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk Maybe I could get some help to do this for my mother. It is closer that I need. So I can move on with creating a new beginning

Sncerely

Kris Schmuland

Still I don't feel as if GOD is around me, helping me, in anyway. Please pray that I can find my way to faith again.

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