Hello again
It has been a ruff day for me. I have been thinking about mom, looking at the photo's I have of her. Thinking I didn't take enough pictures of her. I need more, more. Is this going to be enough.
I am thinking about the fact that I didn't just go there everyday to take care of her. I did it so mom wouldn't be alone. GOD knows I know what it is like to be alone and lonely. And I knew she did as well.
She lost her voice to the strokes. Mom couldn't do anything for herself. She needed everyone's help. And didn't get it when she really needed it.
I wasn't about to let her sit by herself all day, everyday. I regret not being there longer each day. I feel guilty about not just taking anything, place that is, in order for me to be closer to mom.
I wasted so much time traveling, Time I could of been sitting by her side talking to her. Enjoying these last years with her.
I was on the bus and looking at her pictures and started to cry. I just couldn't stop. All day today it has been like that. The smallest thing set me off. Crying that is.
I do really miss mom. I know she is in heaven and with dad. But I want her back. I miss her. I miss just helping her.
I was not ready and I am not ready for this. To soon, to quick. I am really feeling it today.
The pain deep down inside me is now starting to come to the surface and it is heavy. There is no one to whom I can speak with. Just me and me only. My phone doesn't ring with anyone wanting to help.
At least I had mom to talk to. Now no one. Not a soul. I am truly alone. And it hurts. I am very depressed today. And it is not getting any better. I just traveled on the bus this evening.
I did manage to get some things done today. That were important. And got a number to a counseling service. But by the time I can see them, I will have no way to get there.
The advocate I saw today is going to help me get things down. But months and months before I see any results.
Yes you say, I should of been doing this all the while. But mom was first and it was more important to help her out and to be with her.
I was not able to let her sit by herself. I just couldn't. Because I know what being alone is like. Not for mom. No way.
I need to print all my photo's of mom. I have to find a way to do this.
No one gets what it is I am going through. I am sure some of you might. But no one that I know.
It is to hard for me to deal with. I am having difficulties with this. And it is starting to get worse each day.
It has only been a few weeks, but not having someone to talk to has made things much more difficult for me.
I am in sorrow, I am in pain. I hurt
GOD bless and good night
Please help out by donating to https://www.gofundme.com/ka556kdf
Kris Schmuland
Please share with your friends and loved one's.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
What is sleep
Hello again
I woke up at 3 am last night, For no reason, I couldn't fall back to sleep for over an hour. I was waiting to see if mom had come to visit me. Didn't happen.
I know it will happen and I will be glad when it does. I miss her terribly. That was one thing in my life I knew I was doing that was good and right. No matter what anyone said to me.
I will never forget. I was thinking about her last moments. How it was. I cry just thinking about it. I feel guilty that I couldn't save her. That I couldn't do something, anything. Just to keep her alive.
I think about the last few months of her life and wonder if there was anything more I could of done for her.
I will never be able to come to terms with this. Never! It hurts so much. Even more now, than it was at the time of her passing and it really hurt then.
I am becoming even more depressed with each passing day. I want to grieve, but can't. I have to deal with getting mom's ashes out of storage.
I want to do more, but I can't. I wish I had a time machine to go back to just before mom became ill.
I really don't know what to say. I am writing poetry, my grief poetry. Posting it on Facebook.
The biggest challenge is not having someone to speak with. To listen and not try to fix me or tell me to do this or that.
I spent 10 years or more taking care of mom and everyone thinks I can get over it just like that. Sure for those who lack compassion. For those who don't have a heart. Who just can't understand what it is that I did and why.
I have said and will continue to say, 95% of the population could not, or would not do what I did for my mother. Give up their life to take care of the one who brought you into the world.
I will never regret what I did, nor do I want to. Even the bereavement counselor can't believe my dedication.
What was there to decide. Mom brought me into the world, sacrificed much to make sure all three of us siblings had a good life. And this is what they did for their mother.
Absolutely nothing.
I am very tired and still have allot to do. I have many places to be tomorrow.
So I say good night
GOD bless
Kris Schmuland
Please help me out by donating to get mom's ashes out of storage
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
Share my story, post it on Facebook and tweet about it. Ask others to share as well.
I woke up at 3 am last night, For no reason, I couldn't fall back to sleep for over an hour. I was waiting to see if mom had come to visit me. Didn't happen.
I know it will happen and I will be glad when it does. I miss her terribly. That was one thing in my life I knew I was doing that was good and right. No matter what anyone said to me.
I will never forget. I was thinking about her last moments. How it was. I cry just thinking about it. I feel guilty that I couldn't save her. That I couldn't do something, anything. Just to keep her alive.
I think about the last few months of her life and wonder if there was anything more I could of done for her.
I will never be able to come to terms with this. Never! It hurts so much. Even more now, than it was at the time of her passing and it really hurt then.
I am becoming even more depressed with each passing day. I want to grieve, but can't. I have to deal with getting mom's ashes out of storage.
I want to do more, but I can't. I wish I had a time machine to go back to just before mom became ill.
I really don't know what to say. I am writing poetry, my grief poetry. Posting it on Facebook.
The biggest challenge is not having someone to speak with. To listen and not try to fix me or tell me to do this or that.
I spent 10 years or more taking care of mom and everyone thinks I can get over it just like that. Sure for those who lack compassion. For those who don't have a heart. Who just can't understand what it is that I did and why.
I have said and will continue to say, 95% of the population could not, or would not do what I did for my mother. Give up their life to take care of the one who brought you into the world.
I will never regret what I did, nor do I want to. Even the bereavement counselor can't believe my dedication.
What was there to decide. Mom brought me into the world, sacrificed much to make sure all three of us siblings had a good life. And this is what they did for their mother.
Absolutely nothing.
I am very tired and still have allot to do. I have many places to be tomorrow.
So I say good night
GOD bless
Kris Schmuland
Please help me out by donating to get mom's ashes out of storage
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
Share my story, post it on Facebook and tweet about it. Ask others to share as well.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Alone
Hello again
Last night after I wrote my Blog, I went for a walk. And it was then that I realized how truly alone I was. Before my mother's passing, I was only alone when I left mom's home. I came back to this place, knowing I was going to be alone, with no one to talk to, connect with. But I knew the next day I was going to be with mom. I had mom.
Now she is gone. I still want to call the home and ask if they are sure mom is gone. To go and check her room. Knowing that last Friday mom was cremated. And is no longer with me.
SO I AM NOW ALONE. Not a soul to speak with, connect with, share with. Or even to just say hello to.
This besides missing mom, hurts the most. It is a very lonely feeling I have deep down in the pit of my stomach. I feel it through out my entire body.
A oneness with no one. An emptiness, a desperation. A depression that is getting deeper by the day. Loneliness is painful to my core. I am a loss. I am at the end of my rope.
Over the years I lost all my friends. First I lost allot of them when I quit drinking and smoking pot. Not really my friends. But the other's who were actually my real friends, so I thought, just slipped away....
Without even a phone call. Just gone.
They all thought I was crazy for doing what I was doing. Dedicating my life to take care of my mother. Someone had to. GOD forbid my sisters would do anything for mom. The cash dried up and there love dried up for mom....
Can't get anything from her now, so we live a busy life so we can't go and see her.
I did, every single day. And guess what I didn't have a car, so I took the bus. 3 hours each way. Very long days.
I WOULD NEVER CHANGE THAT FOR ANYTHING. It was the best decision I ever made.No one can take that away from me.
I just wish all of those individuals at the home would of thought to reach out to me. After all I was part of their life for over 4 1/2 years.
So now I am truly alone. My phone doesn't ring. Sure I get all of these, Blank is now following you on Twitter, or blank is asking me to accept their friendship on Facebook.
Not real friends. They don't want to step up and give me a hand, however so small is all I ask. Just so I can get mom's ashes.
This is the one thing that is bothering me the most right now. Not letting mom's ashes just sit on a shelf somewhere, for who knows how long.
I blame my sister's and will never forgive them for this. They are EVIL, no other way to describe them. But EVIL.
I hope that GOD punishes them for there actions. To not even help look after your mother and then expect everything your way.
I NEED YOUR HELP TO STOP THIS MADNESS AND TO RESCUE MY MOTHER!
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
GOD bless you all for I am not able
Kristopher Schmuland
Last night after I wrote my Blog, I went for a walk. And it was then that I realized how truly alone I was. Before my mother's passing, I was only alone when I left mom's home. I came back to this place, knowing I was going to be alone, with no one to talk to, connect with. But I knew the next day I was going to be with mom. I had mom.
Now she is gone. I still want to call the home and ask if they are sure mom is gone. To go and check her room. Knowing that last Friday mom was cremated. And is no longer with me.
SO I AM NOW ALONE. Not a soul to speak with, connect with, share with. Or even to just say hello to.
This besides missing mom, hurts the most. It is a very lonely feeling I have deep down in the pit of my stomach. I feel it through out my entire body.
A oneness with no one. An emptiness, a desperation. A depression that is getting deeper by the day. Loneliness is painful to my core. I am a loss. I am at the end of my rope.
Over the years I lost all my friends. First I lost allot of them when I quit drinking and smoking pot. Not really my friends. But the other's who were actually my real friends, so I thought, just slipped away....
Without even a phone call. Just gone.
They all thought I was crazy for doing what I was doing. Dedicating my life to take care of my mother. Someone had to. GOD forbid my sisters would do anything for mom. The cash dried up and there love dried up for mom....
Can't get anything from her now, so we live a busy life so we can't go and see her.
I did, every single day. And guess what I didn't have a car, so I took the bus. 3 hours each way. Very long days.
I WOULD NEVER CHANGE THAT FOR ANYTHING. It was the best decision I ever made.No one can take that away from me.
I just wish all of those individuals at the home would of thought to reach out to me. After all I was part of their life for over 4 1/2 years.
So now I am truly alone. My phone doesn't ring. Sure I get all of these, Blank is now following you on Twitter, or blank is asking me to accept their friendship on Facebook.
Not real friends. They don't want to step up and give me a hand, however so small is all I ask. Just so I can get mom's ashes.
This is the one thing that is bothering me the most right now. Not letting mom's ashes just sit on a shelf somewhere, for who knows how long.
I blame my sister's and will never forgive them for this. They are EVIL, no other way to describe them. But EVIL.
I hope that GOD punishes them for there actions. To not even help look after your mother and then expect everything your way.
I NEED YOUR HELP TO STOP THIS MADNESS AND TO RESCUE MY MOTHER!
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
GOD bless you all for I am not able
Kristopher Schmuland
Pain
Hello again
Pain what is it. I know what physical pain is. I live with it 24 hrs a day, it keeps me up at night. Yet the pain I am experiencing now is allot deeper. I hurts so deep. Unless you have gone through it, you probably can't imagine what it is I am going through. Or someone who didn't and could do what I did for 10 years.
I am distracted because of my sisters and what they have done to mom. Now she sits and will continue to sit. Unless I do something about it. Which I am planning on doing. Be prepared girls.
I know I was there for everything mom went through. From loosing her speech, to not being able to walk, I was there for her both times when she broke her hips. In the hospital, by her side.
I saw mom decline. I cried many nights, after I left the home in White Rock. It hurt watching mom slowly disappear. But she never did. I know mom was right there, fully aware, right up to the time of her last breaths. I saw this and it is extremely painful to describe to you.
Holding her hand gave me great solace. I will never forget this.
I feel like I am falling apart inside and out. Slowly dying myself. It rips my heart apart. Everything I did was for mom. Everything.
I still can't rap myself around the fact that mom has passed away. I keep wanting to call the home and say tell mom I am sorry for missing so many days. I will be there tomorrow. I want to hold her one last time. I need to hold her again. To just hold her hand and cry with her.
This is the deepest pain I have ever experienced. I just want to yell at the top of my lungs for mom to come back. To be here for me. To tell me everything is going to be OK.
I want to see her again. To sing to her, I miss that so much. Just to watch her smile when I sang to her. We had a good night song and I can't sing it to her any more. I miss that so much.
I am hurting so much. No one seems to get it. Or they just don't care. As in the case of my family.
I am all alone now, in this world. My whole world was to take care of mom. And I miss just sitting with her.
I did everything I could for her. But it was not enough. I couldn't stop the one care coordinator from giving her the fatal shot of morphine. After I told her that it would kill her and it did.
I have no one, And it is now, I really do realize this. My phone has not rang once with someone telling me they are sorry, let's go and talk Nothing.
Can anyone really exist like this. Can anyone really carry on, without the support of others. I don't think so. It is very difficult for me to even pray at night. I don't know who to pray for anymore. I always prayed to GOD to heal mom and to take care of her.
I go to the bereavement counselor today and she tells me I am not ready to sit with her and talk about this. To tell her about who mom was.
I lost my best friend. Mom was my friend and only friend. I don't see anyone lining up to comfort me.
This is something that is to hard to go through alone. I can't do it for much longer. The counselor tells me to do this and to do that. How do I do this or that. I have nothing. It is raining out and all day my feet were soaking wet.
I am cold and lonely. I am afraid. I sit here, at night, after writing and I do nothing. I really don't even want to watch anything. I do as I think it might take my mind off of things. It doesn't
I ride the bus at night, because I don't know what to do. I have no where to go and no one to do anything with. Even if I had somewhere to go. I can't even afford to just go into Vancouver and sit and have a tea. So I ride the bus, getting back at the same time I use too.
My whole body hurts, I cry and then I don't cry for a day and I think something is wrong with me. Why aren't I crying, you just lost your mom. And today, back to crying. It is difficult to even write this tonight as I am having to stop and finish crying before I carry on. Or just keep crying while I am typing.
I lie in bed and just look at the ceiling hoping mom would come and visit me. I am not afraid of that, I am afraid of continuing to be alone through this. I couldn't even get any help from the counselor. I walked out of there even more upset. It was raining, so the rain covered my tears.
I need your help to get mom's ashes. As you know they are just going to sit in storage unless I do something about it.
So I am desperate, not just for you to help out. But desperate for someone to be here for me. I went to church on Sunday and even that didn;'t help.The pastor knows what I am going through, but again, no one to talk to.
So please help out. anything would help. Share and tweet. Again I am desperate. Without anything it is will be hard to even carry on.
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
Pain what is it. I know what physical pain is. I live with it 24 hrs a day, it keeps me up at night. Yet the pain I am experiencing now is allot deeper. I hurts so deep. Unless you have gone through it, you probably can't imagine what it is I am going through. Or someone who didn't and could do what I did for 10 years.
I am distracted because of my sisters and what they have done to mom. Now she sits and will continue to sit. Unless I do something about it. Which I am planning on doing. Be prepared girls.
I know I was there for everything mom went through. From loosing her speech, to not being able to walk, I was there for her both times when she broke her hips. In the hospital, by her side.
I saw mom decline. I cried many nights, after I left the home in White Rock. It hurt watching mom slowly disappear. But she never did. I know mom was right there, fully aware, right up to the time of her last breaths. I saw this and it is extremely painful to describe to you.
Holding her hand gave me great solace. I will never forget this.
I feel like I am falling apart inside and out. Slowly dying myself. It rips my heart apart. Everything I did was for mom. Everything.
I still can't rap myself around the fact that mom has passed away. I keep wanting to call the home and say tell mom I am sorry for missing so many days. I will be there tomorrow. I want to hold her one last time. I need to hold her again. To just hold her hand and cry with her.
This is the deepest pain I have ever experienced. I just want to yell at the top of my lungs for mom to come back. To be here for me. To tell me everything is going to be OK.
I want to see her again. To sing to her, I miss that so much. Just to watch her smile when I sang to her. We had a good night song and I can't sing it to her any more. I miss that so much.
I am hurting so much. No one seems to get it. Or they just don't care. As in the case of my family.
I am all alone now, in this world. My whole world was to take care of mom. And I miss just sitting with her.
I did everything I could for her. But it was not enough. I couldn't stop the one care coordinator from giving her the fatal shot of morphine. After I told her that it would kill her and it did.
I have no one, And it is now, I really do realize this. My phone has not rang once with someone telling me they are sorry, let's go and talk Nothing.
Can anyone really exist like this. Can anyone really carry on, without the support of others. I don't think so. It is very difficult for me to even pray at night. I don't know who to pray for anymore. I always prayed to GOD to heal mom and to take care of her.
I go to the bereavement counselor today and she tells me I am not ready to sit with her and talk about this. To tell her about who mom was.
I lost my best friend. Mom was my friend and only friend. I don't see anyone lining up to comfort me.
This is something that is to hard to go through alone. I can't do it for much longer. The counselor tells me to do this and to do that. How do I do this or that. I have nothing. It is raining out and all day my feet were soaking wet.
I am cold and lonely. I am afraid. I sit here, at night, after writing and I do nothing. I really don't even want to watch anything. I do as I think it might take my mind off of things. It doesn't
I ride the bus at night, because I don't know what to do. I have no where to go and no one to do anything with. Even if I had somewhere to go. I can't even afford to just go into Vancouver and sit and have a tea. So I ride the bus, getting back at the same time I use too.
My whole body hurts, I cry and then I don't cry for a day and I think something is wrong with me. Why aren't I crying, you just lost your mom. And today, back to crying. It is difficult to even write this tonight as I am having to stop and finish crying before I carry on. Or just keep crying while I am typing.
I lie in bed and just look at the ceiling hoping mom would come and visit me. I am not afraid of that, I am afraid of continuing to be alone through this. I couldn't even get any help from the counselor. I walked out of there even more upset. It was raining, so the rain covered my tears.
I need your help to get mom's ashes. As you know they are just going to sit in storage unless I do something about it.
So I am desperate, not just for you to help out. But desperate for someone to be here for me. I went to church on Sunday and even that didn;'t help.The pastor knows what I am going through, but again, no one to talk to.
So please help out. anything would help. Share and tweet. Again I am desperate. Without anything it is will be hard to even carry on.
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Two weeks
Hello again
It is two weeks today that mom passed away and I am no closer to grieving than before. I am so upset that my sister's did what they did and that mom's ashes will now just sit for, who knows how long.
As I stated, nothing will be done with the ashes until the will is probated and executed. And this as we know could take a very long time. Especially since the two sisters don't want me to have mom's ashes.
The two sister's who were never there for there mother in over 10 years. I could go back further and let y'all know what happened before mom and dad got sick. But another time. Oh wait, I am sure I wrote about this before.
I have continued to ride the bus at night, not getting back until my normal time. I just ride the bus and sky train, going nowhere really. I go out to White Rock. See a few people I do know out there.
I walk around, just aimlessly. No where to go.
I have no one to talk to about what I am going through. I talk to mom, I talk to GOD. I talk to myself. I sit and read the bible on my phone.
I can't afford my usual tea right now, so I am drinking just plain tea. It is fine. Tea is tea. OK it is not.. But right now this is OK.
I never realized how lonely I actually am. I always had my mother. I was always there taking care of her.
My day and life was to take care of my mother. To make sure she was well taken care of and that mom had the best that I could give her.
Now I am lost and the hurting is only getting worse as the days drag on.
I do see a grievance counselor Monday afternoon. And in the morning I am going to a support group for Parkinson's disease. And tomorrow I will attend the church down the street
The first time I have attended church in a very long time. OK about 6 years or so. I think. I do like the pastor at this united church. I was at a pancake supper last Tuesday. Palm Tuesday. The first day of Lent
I am just doing not much. I can't seem to find the strength to even get a good nights sleep. I lay in bed and just can't fall asleep.
Yet I have so much to do, but nothing to do. I just want to take care of mom. But not anymore
Everything reminds me of mom. The music we both liked. Even just walking through the mall. I used to walk through the mall and go into different stores to look for something for mom. Pass by someplace and see something. And say, that would be perfect for mom, mom would like that.
I keep getting emails from stores I use to shop at for mom. Sales that are on etc.....
These bring back memories.
It is very difficult for me.
I miss my mother greatly.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
It is two weeks today that mom passed away and I am no closer to grieving than before. I am so upset that my sister's did what they did and that mom's ashes will now just sit for, who knows how long.
As I stated, nothing will be done with the ashes until the will is probated and executed. And this as we know could take a very long time. Especially since the two sisters don't want me to have mom's ashes.
The two sister's who were never there for there mother in over 10 years. I could go back further and let y'all know what happened before mom and dad got sick. But another time. Oh wait, I am sure I wrote about this before.
I have continued to ride the bus at night, not getting back until my normal time. I just ride the bus and sky train, going nowhere really. I go out to White Rock. See a few people I do know out there.
I walk around, just aimlessly. No where to go.
I have no one to talk to about what I am going through. I talk to mom, I talk to GOD. I talk to myself. I sit and read the bible on my phone.
I can't afford my usual tea right now, so I am drinking just plain tea. It is fine. Tea is tea. OK it is not.. But right now this is OK.
I never realized how lonely I actually am. I always had my mother. I was always there taking care of her.
My day and life was to take care of my mother. To make sure she was well taken care of and that mom had the best that I could give her.
Now I am lost and the hurting is only getting worse as the days drag on.
I do see a grievance counselor Monday afternoon. And in the morning I am going to a support group for Parkinson's disease. And tomorrow I will attend the church down the street
The first time I have attended church in a very long time. OK about 6 years or so. I think. I do like the pastor at this united church. I was at a pancake supper last Tuesday. Palm Tuesday. The first day of Lent
I am just doing not much. I can't seem to find the strength to even get a good nights sleep. I lay in bed and just can't fall asleep.
Yet I have so much to do, but nothing to do. I just want to take care of mom. But not anymore
Everything reminds me of mom. The music we both liked. Even just walking through the mall. I used to walk through the mall and go into different stores to look for something for mom. Pass by someplace and see something. And say, that would be perfect for mom, mom would like that.
I keep getting emails from stores I use to shop at for mom. Sales that are on etc.....
These bring back memories.
It is very difficult for me.
I miss my mother greatly.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
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