Really

Hello again

So I arrived today to find the stereo unplugged, again. This is a smart stereo. Each time they unplug it I have to reset everything. And it is getting very annoying. 

They can't seem to grasp the concept of a power button. If you don't know how to turn it off. Leave it alone.

I feel really bad that I can't make mom a home cooked meal. It has been a while since I was able to bring her one. The food is not the greatest. OK, it sucks. I have not even been able to keep mom is fresh fruit or her favorite chocolates.

Tonight mom was tired and very hungry. Which means she was grabbing at the food and wanting everything. But at the same time, just wanting to go to bed for her spa treatment. This she was motioning for. She runs her hand over my face. She just wanted to go to bed, but was trying to eat to quickly. I get worried when she does this. I don't want her to choke when she eats to fast. And it is hard to feed her when she is grabbing at everything. I know it is not her fault. I don't get upset at all. I just get worried.

But we got it done and off to bed she went. Mom was a little upset at first. I didn't get her into bed fast enough. But it worked out OK. Once I put on Diana Krall and got her into bed. I just love it when she smiles and enjoys being pampered.

I have been going through photo's of mom and it is surprising how many articles of clothing are actually missing. I say there is at least $1000.00 or more worth of cloths that have vanished. This is serious theft.

They don't care about one piece of clothing, but add it up and the cost is high. This is just my mother's belongings, let alone everyone else's cloths that have gone missing.

Well in the new year I will be going to the police and reporting it. As well as the news papers.  I will give them the opportunity to replace them or pay me for them, before going to the police and news papers. Time to stop being so nice. If nothing is said or done about, it will keep happening. As it has for a long time now.The laundry is out sourced. What I want is the hospital to go after the laundry facility for the loss and to stop it in its tracks. Fire the company or charge them. Which they are not doing anything about it. They just let it keep happening.

There are many issues that will be addressed come 2013. As I will be living out there.

I don't have a choice anymore about moving. Have to be out by the end of January. I fought one fight against the landlord and won. This is different, as the house is sold and the new owners don't want to went the place out. Everyone has to go. The only move I will make is out to White Rock.I look all the time and again, I am limited by the little I make.

 I contacted an agency that said they are there to help. But, they never did write me back with the answers to the simple questions I had for them. Is it to late for the Christmas hamper. I guess it is, as this Wednesday is the pick up and you have to register before hand. Besides, I have no way of bringing it home. To heavy to carry on the bus. And no other transportation to use or no one with a car that I know, to drive me.

Pretty bad! Because I have decided to be a caregiver for mom, all stopped talking to me. Friends of 27 years stopped returning my calls  many years ago. And I lost allot when I quit drinking and smoking pot. These weren't real friends anyways. The others, I know it is hard to deal with what I deal with. I just am able to do it and deal with it.

I have seen allot of death in these years. I will never get use to it. People that I speak with on a regular basis, pass away. Moms roommates pass away. But I can deal with it. I see mom go downhill, and I do get upset about it and I do cry about it. In front of mom I try to be as strong as possible. I saw my grandfather go through it. I saw my father go through it. Now mom is going through it. I can deal with it but I am worried all the time, not having a phone for the hospital to contact me if something should happen. To know, that I could get there and be informed that something happened to mom during the night. This bothers me the most. Even before eating, I am use to going hungry. Well, not really. I have learned to live with it. As tonight, it will be day 8. Nothing I can do about it. Tomorrow day 9. I have a ways to break my record of 17 days

On the way home tonight I was wearing layer's upon layers, And I was still freezing

Good night

Kris Schmuland

Still

Good day

So it has been three weeks now since I mentioned to the staff and the dental office that mom has a tooth that needs to be taken care of.

The dental office saw her and gave her antibiotics for a 7 day period a. As there presented a infection. Just as I new would happen. This is what I said to the dental  office and the staff. Yet it took three weeks to do something about it. But now the course of antibiotics is done and still nothing. The tooth is going to get infected again if something is not done about it right away.

But in the mean time, who is the one suffering. Mom. She has a hard time eating or drinking. Both hot and cold are causing her great pain.

All the time that the staff are around her they can't see that mom is suffering.

On top of  this, more and more clothing is going missing. A pair of brown cords, my sister's bought for mom is gone. Pillow cases keep going missing. Two shirts, which I bought for moms birthday are gone.

And the worse part of this is the staff. All they can say is, maybe its in the laundry. Come on now.

No one checks anywhere. Again, one hand does know what the other hand does. No body even goes after the company that does the laundry.I need to move to White. Rock so I can do moms laundry myself.I am sure it is the place were the laundry is done. Otherwise the staff would find them somewhere.

So to my rants

I no longer believe in the goodness of man. I no longer believe in my faith in GOD.

Why is my question. Why would I continue to believe in the goodness of mankind.

I am only going to be nice to people while visiting with mom. And I am having a hard time today even with that. I also made the decision that I am not going to speak with anyone outside of where mom lives

In the last few weeks I have become a very synacle individual. All I get is Bullshit from people. Can you help with this or can you help with that. Do you have. I HAVE NOTHING.

Share tells me to write to them if I need anything. They never did write back. Simply look it up on line and call them, they tell me. I even wrote to them and asked if it was to late for the Christmas hamper. Just a simple question. They did not even bother to write me back with an answer.

I guess it is to late for this hamper. Oh right, they did tell me to call them if I contact there office  in Port Moody. Again I have no phone to do this and have no funds to even use a pay phone.

I am sure I speak and write proper. Very easy to understand, if I do say so myself.

This is why I will no longer believe in the goodness of mankind. That is because there isn't any. 
Man is a selfish bunch, only doing things out of guilt. Giving at Christmas because it does something for them. Not because it helps those really in need of help. Such as myself.

I am tired. I am weak and getting weaker. But why write about it. Nothing will be done about it.

I know that tonight when I get home there will be nothingt and it will be that way for who knows how long.

I write because it helps get things off of my chest. This is my way of coping with rhetoric of the world around me and all the crap I deal with everyday and the lack of everything.

I help my mother out, as it is the right thing to do and mom needs me. She looks forward, each and everyday, to my being around for her.

What I really want to say is blank the world and be as selfish as everyone else. I am getting pissd off at everyone around me. But I am to polite to do this.

I will continue to thank GOD for keeping mom healthy and safe. But that is it.

I am done

Bye

Kris Schmuland

today

Hello again

After waking up and hearing about today's shootings in the states, my petty problems don't seem to big. Do they.

My heart goes out to all the families of the victims. And to those little lives that were cut short. Not being able to fulfill their purpose in life.

It is a sad occasion, indeed, that this man had to be so despicable to have taken the lives of these children.

What can be done to console the families. It is important that we come together and do whatever it is we can do to help out. To offer our support, to offer our comfort.

Pray for the victims and their families. Reach out with your words of caring

I believer HopeMob.org is doing something

GOD bless

Kris Schmuland

Humanity

Hello again

I can honestly say that I am loosing my faith in GOD and I have completly lost my faith in humanity

The other day I declared out loud that GOD would take care of my needs. And HE did not. Then a few days latter I ran into the same person that I said this to. But I avoided her as what am I to say to her. That GOD has not helped me and I am in the same boat. Still not eating and haven't in quite some time now. So as soon as I saw her I hid myself and walked the other way.

Then the PGT tells me they are going to do something. Usually, when they (he) tells me, he is going to do something,by the next day it is done. Complete lie. Still, 4 days latter it is not done.

I wrote the province newspaper about what is happening, to see if a story could be done about mom and I. Nothing. They forward my letter on to Share. Well share writes me telling me that they are there to help me. To contact, list of numbers, these places. Having my letter in front of them, and knowing I don't have a phone to do this. They still tell me to call these places and to look on the Internet. Giving me the links, for all of there resources. Which I am to call.

No fucking phone. What don't any of these people get. No phone means. No way of calling anyone, period! It's a paper weight right now. It is a note pad, camera etc... But not a phone.

But the province newspaper can write a full page article on  a couple of recovering drug addicts trying to change their life around. But doing nothing for another human being. Just recovering. But for someone who is completely devoted their life to looking after a ailing parent. Who is suffering themself. They pass on my story to another organization.

Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate what they did. Very much. But it still does not put it out there that there are individuals who give up everything to look after their loved one's. And are suffering even more so then that of the homeless drug addicts. Who made the choice to continue to use.


I lost all my friends over the years as a result of my looking after mom. And they not understanding why I do what I do. Why I am willing to spend so much time with my mother. Mom is completely dependent on everyone for all of her needs.

She can't speak, she can't feed herself, she can't go to the washroom by herself, she can't get herself dressed. Mom lost the ability to use her left arm and hand, a long time ago. As well as her ability to speak and feed herself. She is stuck in a wheel chair and only can go where the staff put her. I mean where the staff put her. Leave her in her room. Put the brakes on so she can't even push herself around.Completely dependent on what others think she wants. I understand mom. And if others would pay attention, they would as well.

So my faith in humanity is shot. No matter what I do or try to do. There is nothing. I guess because I have a roof over my head everything  is OK. Bullshit. What about eating or having a warm coat or clothing that fits.
In a way it would better for me to be completely homeless. Maybe I should start sticking needles in my arm to get some real help.  There is more help available for them.


I am a recovering alcoholic and pot smoker and ever since I quite, I have been looking after my parents. First my father,then my mother and father and now just momber. Dad passed away this month 5 years ago this December 28.

No matter how I feel or how depressed Iam or that most days I don't want to get out of bed. How many times. I fall or faint or how much pain I am in. I will never let mom see this or know anything about it. I check all of these feelings at the door and put a smile on my face. Mom has always seen me smilingly.

If it were not for mom I would not be around anymore. I gave up on myself a very long tme ago. I have given up on everything. Especially on humanity. What a big fat waste of time that is. Thinking that people actually care for one another. It seems only at Christmas time do they feel guilty enough to attempt to do something.

Otherwise it seems animals are more important than those that are suffering, silently suffering. Ok I am not that silent about things.

I do pray and thank GOD everynight for mom's health and to keep her safe. And apparently GOD knows everything and knows that I now need to move.

Today I was told that the house I rent a room in, has been sold. And the new owner is giving us until the end of January to move. Well I guess I dont' have any choice now. So I will be moving to White Rock. I just have to find a place. Somewhere I can afford

I really need to go now.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

The Christmas pot luck dinner

Hello again

So today was the pot luck dinner. Yesterday I ironed mom's clothing, gave her a manicure and applied nail polish. Getting pretty good at it I do say so myself.

Then  today she was all dressed up and look good. It took a while for our table to get called up to get our food, and mom was impatient. So I got her some chocolates and this seemed to tide her over for awhile. I grabbed two plates, One for mom and one for me. But I should of know better. It is impossible for me to eat  at these functions. As I have to feed mom.

Tonight was no different, I brought both plates over to the table and mom was at both of them. That was OK, Well mom ate almost all of both of the plates of food. I nibbled on some of it. When I had some time in between feeding mom. It is OK, I have not had a holiday dinner in many, many years now.

But mom ate, she drank 3 glasses of eggnog a small plate of desserts and a 3 pack of Lindor truffles. And then I got her ready for bed and put her to bed. And her nightly spa treatment.

She did complain of a stomach ache. I wonder why, I told her. I haven't seen mom eat that much in a while. Good for her.

She was wearing slippers. Even though she had a custom pair of shoes made for her a few years ago. That cost over $500.00. Which I asked about and even looked for. No luck on finding them.

But over all the evening went well. Yet I would of liked to of eaten a turkey dinner. Some day it will happen

It was after 8 pm when I finally got mom into bed. She usually is in bed by 6 pm. It was to be expected.

Tonight I once again was freezing cold coming home tonight. I will have to find/buy a winter coat one of these days. When I actually get some money

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmland

A Little later on this day

Hello again

Since earlier, I have been thinking. Yes I know how to do this.

I am not going to feel guilty anymore because of what I do. I don't eat most of the time, My clothes don't fit anymore. I am in pain all the time.

I haven't dated in a very long time, we are talking many, many years. And who would have me, anyways. I am nothing. Except I am the one who takes care of mom, and makes sure she is looked after.

I am the one who has been threatened with law suites. I am the one that fights all, for mom's rights. I am their every single day. No matter what. Even if I am starving, not wanting to even get out of bed. That I am extremely cold all the time, because of not having a winter jacket. I am extremely depressed.

I get out of bed, I get ready and I travel 3 hours each way to see mom. And I look forward to it each and everyday.

And when I get their and there is a huge smile on mom's face, everything is worth while. No matter what crap is happening to me. I am sure allot of it is self imposed. Maybe.

But the point being. I am their and no one else is or has been. I need to move to White Rock to make sure mom is looked after even better.

To be able to bring  her over to my place for lunch, dinner or just a visit. Just to get her out of the Al Hogg pavilion for awhile.

I am doing what is right by my mother. OK I don't have anything, I just wish I could buy mom a few nice presents for Christmas. And supply her with more home cooked meals. Being closer would allow me this opportunity, as it would free up 6 or more hours in a day, for me to get other resources together to help out.

So I leave you now, I go to bed tonight hungry, as I have for the last week. And I feel that GOD has forsaken me. I am sure HE hasn't. Just my imagination working over time.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

It is closer

Hello again

Again a few days since I last wrote. Mom is still in pain and this week she will have the tooth removed. Isn't it interesting that I, not being their all the time, am the one who first noticed the problem with her tooth. But the staff, always with her, couldn't even bother to see that something was up.

It is a shame that people get treated that way. Ignored, pushed aside and not taken care of adequately. That one has to sit in their own soiled diapers for hours at a time. And because mom can't speak up for herself, they do this to her.

Wait, if she could speak for herself, they would just drug her into submission. This isn't new and it does not just happen to my mother. It is an epidemic of abuse against the most vulnerable member's of our society.

These are the individuals who built our nations, gave us what we have today. They fought for our freedoms, built our infrastructures and many died in the process. Without them, were would we be.

We hide our parents, out of sight, out of mind.

Yes, it is not all of us the have the capacity to be a caregiver to our loved one's. We are all not able to deal with thwart loss of our parents cognitive abilities and watch them decline into a world of darkness and forgetfulness. To see our once strong and helpful parents become reliant upon us for all their needs. To need us to feed them, to change them, to put them into bed. To deal with the decline of their emotional wellbeing. To see a once docile individual become aggressive and quickly agitated.

We all don't have the necessary energy and stamina to be affective as a careviver.  Plus the patience it requires to be their for them.

I thank GOD that HE has given me these gifts. It is not always easy. It is very hard at times. Especially when I don't have the money to be able to make mom dinners. And her looking in my bag or reaching for containers, thinking there is somethings I forgot to put out at dinner for her. I cry at these moment's that I can't give a proper meal.

It is especially hard at this timeof the year This actually is the worst year ever. It is two weeks before Christmas and I already know I can't afford a Christmas present for mom. I know I don't have the funds to make her home cooked meals. To buy her a nice box of chocolates for Christmas.

I don't even have the money to even buy groceries for me to even eat or buy a warm winter jacket. I layer up each day and am still cold.

I still would and will go without so I can make mom happy with home cooked meals and a few nice Christmas presents.

But the big scrooge is not going to do anything about it. Or, so far, is not going anything to make this happen. So far.

There is still two weeks to go GOD willing

I am in White Rock now. Have to find a wifi spot to send this

I am in White Rock now and located a wifi spot so I will finish for now.

My phone is not working. No cell service or data. Could not afford the bill or even a prepaid plan. This bothers me the most. No way for moms place to contact me, if an emergency should arise. I asked the powers that be for help. No luck. They say it is not important for the hospital to reaching me. NOT IMPORTANT I am the one who is their all the time and am moving out here to do more for mom. To continue to fight for her rights. To make sure mom is being treated  properly. 

I understand my sisters are busy. That is OK. I am here for her

Until later on

GOD bless

Kris Schmuland