Hello again
Who am I.............. I am not sure anymore. For over a dozen years I was the son who took care of his mother, no matter what anyone said about me, I did what was right in the eyes of GOD. Sure I lost all my friends for taking care of mom. Didn't think it was a worth while way to spend my life. I just said I guess they were not really my friends. Because, as I have mentioned over and over again, it was the only good thing I did in my life, it was the absolutely the best thing I did with my life. And I would do it all over again in a heart beat.
My mother was my life and I knew she appreciated everything I did for her. Every moment I spent with her. I know mom never thought I was wasting my time taking care of her. As I have brought this up before, no one else in the family, even bothered to see if mom was alright, or to see if she just needed someone to be there, to just sit with her and talk to her. Forgetting mom was ill and treating her as a whole person. A person that she was, a whole human being. Alive inside, It didn't matter that mom could not speak anymore, she still communicated just fine with me. If anyone took the time to even bother getting to know her, would of realized that mom was a whole person still, on the inside. But know one even bothered. They just ignored her, as her daughters did. Coming once a month or two, was not paying any respect to their mother.
But I knew that it didn't matter what other's thought about me, that I was doing what was right. And taking care of my mother. Being there for her. The joy mom brought me was the utmost gift. And the joy I brought her was amazing. The beautiful smile on her face each day as I came into see her. Holding my hand and not letting go, was not only special for her, but myself as well. That feeling can never be repeated. I need to hold onto that, forever. I can't let go of this feeling. And just singing our good night song to her each night was the most beautiful thing ever. ( I have almost remembered the whole song. and will write it down for all to see)
Now who am I. ............
I am not sure. I am trying to be someone good. I am not a bad person. I know this. I am lost at the moment. I have moved out of a bad situation and into some place good. But the roommate decided her didn't want to live here. He just didn't want to always come down all the time, OK, I decided to get a job before I moved in here. For the extra income I needed. Lost that. Now for the rest of this month I have just been applying for work. Been on a few interviews, and even a few trail shifts. But that still didn't get me a job.
Now this coming Monday, I have another job interview. This one I applied for Friday at 4 pm and within a half hour of sending my resume off, I received a phone call. We had a good conversation on the phone, he liked what he saw on my resume. So Monday I have the interview. If it wasn't Friday, This is when the job was posted, I would of been in for an interview already.
Then this morning I receive two more emails for job interviews. One I would not be able to do. Banquet catering. I would not be able to do the serving as needed of me. The other I could do, a retail job, part time though. I need full time.
Now the job interview on Monday is for a driving and delivery job. Good starting wage, with an increase in a month. This I know I can do. Not on my feet all the time, using a pallet jack or a dolly.
Now here is the big thing. I can't afford to even take the job. Yes I can take the job. I can't get there each day, I need work boots, but can't afford them. I can't eat everyday, but I don't care about that anyways. There are certain things I need for this job, but no money to get what is needed. None at all. I can't even pay the full rent. ( I really thought I would have a job by now) But if I can get this happening, I am sure I can tell my landlord that I just started a job and will catch up by my first paycheque. I would make enough to cover the rest of the rent plus have some leftover.
Yet no. You see I don't have what other's might have. Someone they could go to for help, until they get paid and pay them back slowly over a few cheques. It could be I destroyed all the bridges I might of had. Or the relationships that I might of had to assist me. I don't have anyone to even call for help. Burnt my bridges, that is the expression I was getting at. Wasn't the ideal person to everyone's liking. My so called family anyways. And I guess other's as well
I can get to the interview Monday, still have funds left on my bus pass/Monthly pass. If he wants me to start the following week/Next Monday for example. I don't have the funds to put more time on my buss/Compass card they call it, to get me the three zones I need. It is actually two zones, but the way for me to get to this place, I have to go passed it and come back, there by crossing into a third zone. No direct bus. A good starting wage and it is something I can do. ... Even the other job, I would need dress clothing to do that one, I have some dress clothing, but not enough. Still need a bus pass.
I really don't know what to do here. Everyone is telling me to trust GOD. I have trusted GOD that I would get a job, now I need to trust that the funds I need will come in. Don't count your chickens before they hatch, that is the expression. I will have to see what Monday brings. I did, today, take the bus and get a copy of my drivers abstract,for the company on Monday. Delivering for a wholesale produce company. I can drive the truck and know my way around the Lower Mainland very well. OK it has been awhile since I have driven a 5 ton truck. Getting use to it again. I just have to drive slowly at first.
Now it is hard for me to even get by these days. Not speaking of funds, I have lived poorly before, but not having the counselors to speak with. I was making great progress with them. Helping out allot. This took everything out of me. My mother's passing. No one really gets it. But that will have to be OK. No other choice.
I have nothing of value left to sell.
Right now is when I need a voice besides my own, to speak with.
I will say goodbye now. I am done. Trying to do laundry.
This I ask of y'all, that you please Pray that GOD answers my prayers for help so I can take this job and get to and from this job until I get paid, and get the work boots I need, plus the extra.. Please.
GOD bless you and to all, you have a great night.
Kristopher Schmuland
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Wow! very close
Hello again
Tonight I was almost run over by a bus. It was very close. Within a foot of me being run over. I was at a crosswalk and the signal came for all to cross the street. I started to walk and the bus at the corner just started to go, to turn the corner and he didn't even slow down. Just turned the corner. And it was legal for me to cross the street. Proper signal and all. If I wasn't paying attention, I would of been hit. I had to jump back twice to avoid being run over. It was that close... Even after the bus went through the intersection, the other people crossing from the other side, said to me, he didn't even slow down, Well first they asked if I was OK. It was that close. All I know is that before I jumped back the first time. The side of the bus was in my face. That close. Thank GOD I was paying attention.. Because I was, moments earlier, thinking about how bad it is right now for me and that I had no one to even speak with about what is happening.
It was then that I started to pay attention to my surroundings. I don`t know why I stopped thinking about everything and look up. Just seconds, if even that and the bus was there in front of me. WoW is all I can say. It was as if someone, slapped me in the face to look up. Otherwise I would of just kept walking. I was in the right away to cross the street.
Now for the normal.
I don`t know why I am both happy and depressed, at the same time. How is that possible. I am happy that I was out and not just sitting at home. But depressed because, I don`t deserve what I have. I have a living room full of things, but I am still sitting in my bedroom, watching TV in there, eating in there. And sitting on the side of my bed writing this Blog now. I could be sitting on the couch doing this. But no.
It is a major problem for me
I am not even finished unpacking yet. The table is full. A nice table I got for free. Big, 6 big chairs, in good shape. I found it on Craigslist, when I had no table, than I have two tables. The other one I will bring to a second hand store, when I get the chance. It would only take two days to get everything else set up.
But I don`t deserve any of it. And besides, I don`t have the rent to pay. I only have half of the rent and not even all the funds to pay my phone bill, insurance bill and my bus pass. I don`t care if I drive the car or not. I am fine taking the bus. This is what I did today, after looking for work,sending off more resumes. I came back here and left on the bus to downtown Vancouver. I didn`t want to be here. It is depressing me to much.
Well I finally got out of the terrible situation I got myself into, with the other people I use to live with. I thought, OK this friend wants to share the place, he works out of town and will only be in town a little each month. Great. Then he changes his mind. But the biggest thing that bothers me the most, is, Before I even moved into this place I thought, get a job, get some extra income I had the job before I even moved into this place and right away lost it. And all I have been doing since then, the same day I lost the job, is look for work.
I am not looking for a position that is going to pay me big bucks. I just want a job,anything that I can do. I have applied at the superstore, WallMart and IKEA, plus gas stations, to be an attendant,driving jobs, catering jobs and on and on it goes. Just to work. As you know, I need to work to pay the bills, but I can`t seem to find anything. It is not like I am sitting doing nothing. I am applying for work everyday. In todays society, you have to do everything online.To apply for WallMart, IKEA and the Superstore, it is done online only.
I went for a trial work shift last night. I left without my cane. As they didn`t know I use a cane to walk. I did the job, very easy, but, by the time I got back to White Rock, my leg was all swelled up and I could barely walk. This morning it was worse. I had to go to my Doctor and that was the first thing he saw, was me not being able to walk as I usually do. I explained it to him. He checked out my leg and told me to go home and get my leg up. But we know what I did instead. Got on the bus and went into town. To be almost run over by another bus. The doctor did tell me that I can `t do that job, not to accept it if it is offered to me, because if you do,within a few months you won`t be walking anymore.
If it is offered to me, I don`t have a choice in the matter. I need the paycheque. I need to pay my rent. I don`t have anywhere to move too. Nor do I have the funds to move. It took everything I had to move here. I had to pay for the move myself.
Not going well. Yet I am feeling OK. Except that I really do understand why none of my family want anything to do with me. I am really nothing. I am but a little nobody who is not even worth there time. The only thing worth while I have done in my life is to take care of my mother. And it doesn`t matter what anyone says to me, it was the best gift that I could of ever received to be able to do this for my mother. Nothing will ever take that away from me. I will never be more proud to be a son who did what was expected of him. To honour his mother and father To the end. This is the greatest thing I ever did with my life. I know my mother loved every minute of me being by her side, holding her hand while she fell asleep each and every night. Singing to her our good night song. I can`t even remember the song, I remember some of it.... Not all of it. This song was dear to both mom and I. Àll I am going to do now is try to remember all of the song and write it down, so I can sing it at her memorial service when it is done. That was my plan all along, to sing this song to her again. I will remember it.
Now I am back to being the looser I was before mom and dad become ill. For crying out loud, I can`t even find a simple job. Something to pay the bills.
Well there you go family I am what you say I am. Are you happy now. Now that I don`t want to be here anymore.
I am praying and praying. I ask for mercy on me, even though I don`t deserve it.
GOD bless all of you and good night to you as well.
Kristopher Schmuland.
Tonight I was almost run over by a bus. It was very close. Within a foot of me being run over. I was at a crosswalk and the signal came for all to cross the street. I started to walk and the bus at the corner just started to go, to turn the corner and he didn't even slow down. Just turned the corner. And it was legal for me to cross the street. Proper signal and all. If I wasn't paying attention, I would of been hit. I had to jump back twice to avoid being run over. It was that close... Even after the bus went through the intersection, the other people crossing from the other side, said to me, he didn't even slow down, Well first they asked if I was OK. It was that close. All I know is that before I jumped back the first time. The side of the bus was in my face. That close. Thank GOD I was paying attention.. Because I was, moments earlier, thinking about how bad it is right now for me and that I had no one to even speak with about what is happening.
It was then that I started to pay attention to my surroundings. I don`t know why I stopped thinking about everything and look up. Just seconds, if even that and the bus was there in front of me. WoW is all I can say. It was as if someone, slapped me in the face to look up. Otherwise I would of just kept walking. I was in the right away to cross the street.
Now for the normal.
I don`t know why I am both happy and depressed, at the same time. How is that possible. I am happy that I was out and not just sitting at home. But depressed because, I don`t deserve what I have. I have a living room full of things, but I am still sitting in my bedroom, watching TV in there, eating in there. And sitting on the side of my bed writing this Blog now. I could be sitting on the couch doing this. But no.
It is a major problem for me
I am not even finished unpacking yet. The table is full. A nice table I got for free. Big, 6 big chairs, in good shape. I found it on Craigslist, when I had no table, than I have two tables. The other one I will bring to a second hand store, when I get the chance. It would only take two days to get everything else set up.
But I don`t deserve any of it. And besides, I don`t have the rent to pay. I only have half of the rent and not even all the funds to pay my phone bill, insurance bill and my bus pass. I don`t care if I drive the car or not. I am fine taking the bus. This is what I did today, after looking for work,sending off more resumes. I came back here and left on the bus to downtown Vancouver. I didn`t want to be here. It is depressing me to much.
Well I finally got out of the terrible situation I got myself into, with the other people I use to live with. I thought, OK this friend wants to share the place, he works out of town and will only be in town a little each month. Great. Then he changes his mind. But the biggest thing that bothers me the most, is, Before I even moved into this place I thought, get a job, get some extra income I had the job before I even moved into this place and right away lost it. And all I have been doing since then, the same day I lost the job, is look for work.
I am not looking for a position that is going to pay me big bucks. I just want a job,anything that I can do. I have applied at the superstore, WallMart and IKEA, plus gas stations, to be an attendant,driving jobs, catering jobs and on and on it goes. Just to work. As you know, I need to work to pay the bills, but I can`t seem to find anything. It is not like I am sitting doing nothing. I am applying for work everyday. In todays society, you have to do everything online.To apply for WallMart, IKEA and the Superstore, it is done online only.
I went for a trial work shift last night. I left without my cane. As they didn`t know I use a cane to walk. I did the job, very easy, but, by the time I got back to White Rock, my leg was all swelled up and I could barely walk. This morning it was worse. I had to go to my Doctor and that was the first thing he saw, was me not being able to walk as I usually do. I explained it to him. He checked out my leg and told me to go home and get my leg up. But we know what I did instead. Got on the bus and went into town. To be almost run over by another bus. The doctor did tell me that I can `t do that job, not to accept it if it is offered to me, because if you do,within a few months you won`t be walking anymore.
If it is offered to me, I don`t have a choice in the matter. I need the paycheque. I need to pay my rent. I don`t have anywhere to move too. Nor do I have the funds to move. It took everything I had to move here. I had to pay for the move myself.
Not going well. Yet I am feeling OK. Except that I really do understand why none of my family want anything to do with me. I am really nothing. I am but a little nobody who is not even worth there time. The only thing worth while I have done in my life is to take care of my mother. And it doesn`t matter what anyone says to me, it was the best gift that I could of ever received to be able to do this for my mother. Nothing will ever take that away from me. I will never be more proud to be a son who did what was expected of him. To honour his mother and father To the end. This is the greatest thing I ever did with my life. I know my mother loved every minute of me being by her side, holding her hand while she fell asleep each and every night. Singing to her our good night song. I can`t even remember the song, I remember some of it.... Not all of it. This song was dear to both mom and I. Àll I am going to do now is try to remember all of the song and write it down, so I can sing it at her memorial service when it is done. That was my plan all along, to sing this song to her again. I will remember it.
Now I am back to being the looser I was before mom and dad become ill. For crying out loud, I can`t even find a simple job. Something to pay the bills.
Well there you go family I am what you say I am. Are you happy now. Now that I don`t want to be here anymore.
I am praying and praying. I ask for mercy on me, even though I don`t deserve it.
GOD bless all of you and good night to you as well.
Kristopher Schmuland.
Monday, October 17, 2016
And again I try
Hello again
Today was another day of sending out resumes. At least 8 resumes I sent. Plus put my resume up on a few job sights.
Cleaned up more of my mess around the house and outside. Boxes, excess garbage from unpacking. The place is almost done, but if I don't get a job right away, I might have to pack and, well put my stuff somewhere. I like this place, I am trying to get a job. Again I had a job and I would be in a great place now.
I have nothing of value to sell, so I will have to trust GOD that HE will work everything out. I really would like to work in a Church environment, helping seniors with resources and advocacy. This would allow me to use my Christianity and advocacy together to assist those in need. What I bring to the table is many years of experience taking care of my mother and advocating for her and others. The most experience I have every obtained.
But according to all the non family, I never worked a day in my life. So it wasn't me who ran my own graphics company. Or helped run a west coast fashion company. Or or and or. .......... But I never worked a day in my life. Or the most important position of all. Looking after my mother for over a dozen years. Being there daily, I mean daily for those years. Traveling all over the Lower Mainland to look after mom as well as my father, before he passed away, Yet I never worked a day in my life.
So I continue looking for a job. A job until I can find a position that will utilize my skills. Again according to my non family, I have none.
I will not even go there anymore. They mean nothing to me and I am happy with that. The one thing that does piss me off is my great aunt being moved and they won`t even tell me where. She was the only one who I got along with in the family. She is lonely, I know this. And I could do her allot of good by just visiting her, talking to her and helping her in what ever way I could. That really bothers me. Because I am the only one in this family who has this much experience taking care of someone with Alzheimer`s, strokes and Dementia. Not a single other person in this non family has the experience I have. But they don`t even want me to visit her.
So I wipe my feet of the dust that they are. And move on. I will no longer even acknowledge them, if I see them in public. I am going back to our previous arrangement that worked for me. Totally ignoring them . I have no need of any of them. I haven`t and I never will.
Now it was an OK day for me, depression is always with me, so I do learn to cope with it. But it is always with me. It is starting to really hurt my arms typing. As it is now.
But I will not stop writing this blog, no matter how bad it gets. I will figure out a way to continue to write.
I need to end my blog for the night. I will be back.
GOD bless and good night.
I will still ask again if anyone can help me give mom closer. By giving her a memorial service. I can`t find the address for go fund me.
Bless you all
Kristopher Schmuland
Today was another day of sending out resumes. At least 8 resumes I sent. Plus put my resume up on a few job sights.
Cleaned up more of my mess around the house and outside. Boxes, excess garbage from unpacking. The place is almost done, but if I don't get a job right away, I might have to pack and, well put my stuff somewhere. I like this place, I am trying to get a job. Again I had a job and I would be in a great place now.
I have nothing of value to sell, so I will have to trust GOD that HE will work everything out. I really would like to work in a Church environment, helping seniors with resources and advocacy. This would allow me to use my Christianity and advocacy together to assist those in need. What I bring to the table is many years of experience taking care of my mother and advocating for her and others. The most experience I have every obtained.
But according to all the non family, I never worked a day in my life. So it wasn't me who ran my own graphics company. Or helped run a west coast fashion company. Or or and or. .......... But I never worked a day in my life. Or the most important position of all. Looking after my mother for over a dozen years. Being there daily, I mean daily for those years. Traveling all over the Lower Mainland to look after mom as well as my father, before he passed away, Yet I never worked a day in my life.
So I continue looking for a job. A job until I can find a position that will utilize my skills. Again according to my non family, I have none.
I will not even go there anymore. They mean nothing to me and I am happy with that. The one thing that does piss me off is my great aunt being moved and they won`t even tell me where. She was the only one who I got along with in the family. She is lonely, I know this. And I could do her allot of good by just visiting her, talking to her and helping her in what ever way I could. That really bothers me. Because I am the only one in this family who has this much experience taking care of someone with Alzheimer`s, strokes and Dementia. Not a single other person in this non family has the experience I have. But they don`t even want me to visit her.
So I wipe my feet of the dust that they are. And move on. I will no longer even acknowledge them, if I see them in public. I am going back to our previous arrangement that worked for me. Totally ignoring them . I have no need of any of them. I haven`t and I never will.
Now it was an OK day for me, depression is always with me, so I do learn to cope with it. But it is always with me. It is starting to really hurt my arms typing. As it is now.
But I will not stop writing this blog, no matter how bad it gets. I will figure out a way to continue to write.
I need to end my blog for the night. I will be back.
GOD bless and good night.
I will still ask again if anyone can help me give mom closer. By giving her a memorial service. I can`t find the address for go fund me.
Bless you all
Kristopher Schmuland
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Good days and bad
Hello again
Well I have to say Saturday was a decent day I went downtown to have my laptop fixed, I wasn't able to connect to the wifi and my home or anywhere. It took a few minutes and it was done. They just removed the driver and re installed it. Now it works fine. As I was on my way downtown, friends called me, I had to miss the call as I was trying to get on the train. Didn't make the train, called back, no answer. So after my laptop was fixed I gave them a call. They invited me for dinner and said they would drive me home. It was a good dinner and home I came. A good day.
Last night after they dropped me off I watched a movie, The movie was 3 hours long, so it was really later when I got to sleep. And up early today.
I am tired now, as I just didn't want to just sit around today, so off to downtown and walked around. Met someone I know on the bus, we spoke on the way into town. Then I walked with her to the place she was going. I have know her for several years. She use to be a caregiver for my mother. And she lives here in White Rock. I run into her once in a while. So not bad of a day as well.
Yet I still was depressed beyond belief I am freaking out. I am trying to get a job. Had a roommate, he screwed me over, now I either move, no place to go, or I pay the rent myself. I am trying. I send resumes out each day and will be back at it again tomorrow.
In the mean time, I am freaking out. Some told me to sell things. I have nothing of value to sell. Nothing.
It is just frustrating and very depressing.
This was a very hard week for me, mom's birthday and all. I am glad I had a decent day yesterday. Now I am at home and alone..
Even though I wanted to move and not really have roommates. When you have roommates, there is always someone there to talk to if one wants to talk. But now I am talking to myself. I don't count speaking to my mother, I did that where I was living anyways.
So my final thought for today, If something were to happen to me, no one would even notice. So why be around.
Not getting anywhere, no one now, but myself, My mother was my only family.
Wow it really hurt typing this tonight. Sorry I can't write anymore for tonight.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
Well I have to say Saturday was a decent day I went downtown to have my laptop fixed, I wasn't able to connect to the wifi and my home or anywhere. It took a few minutes and it was done. They just removed the driver and re installed it. Now it works fine. As I was on my way downtown, friends called me, I had to miss the call as I was trying to get on the train. Didn't make the train, called back, no answer. So after my laptop was fixed I gave them a call. They invited me for dinner and said they would drive me home. It was a good dinner and home I came. A good day.
Last night after they dropped me off I watched a movie, The movie was 3 hours long, so it was really later when I got to sleep. And up early today.
I am tired now, as I just didn't want to just sit around today, so off to downtown and walked around. Met someone I know on the bus, we spoke on the way into town. Then I walked with her to the place she was going. I have know her for several years. She use to be a caregiver for my mother. And she lives here in White Rock. I run into her once in a while. So not bad of a day as well.
Yet I still was depressed beyond belief I am freaking out. I am trying to get a job. Had a roommate, he screwed me over, now I either move, no place to go, or I pay the rent myself. I am trying. I send resumes out each day and will be back at it again tomorrow.
In the mean time, I am freaking out. Some told me to sell things. I have nothing of value to sell. Nothing.
It is just frustrating and very depressing.
This was a very hard week for me, mom's birthday and all. I am glad I had a decent day yesterday. Now I am at home and alone..
Even though I wanted to move and not really have roommates. When you have roommates, there is always someone there to talk to if one wants to talk. But now I am talking to myself. I don't count speaking to my mother, I did that where I was living anyways.
So my final thought for today, If something were to happen to me, no one would even notice. So why be around.
Not getting anywhere, no one now, but myself, My mother was my only family.
Wow it really hurt typing this tonight. Sorry I can't write anymore for tonight.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
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