Hello again
I check the mail today and there is only one letter, that was addressed to me and it was from the Canadian Cancer Society. Explaining everything I need to know about Colon Cancer and letting me know that they will be calling me to make an appointment to go everything with me.
Great right, again, not. On top of this, I have my left arm problems and it seems it is nerve damage. I can feel it. Haven't heard from the doctor so I don't think it is a heart problem. Another thing to deal with... The pain is not going away, but getting worse.
I just can't make this stuff up.
Now to something else. I am only using instagram and allot of people are liking the photo's of my mother, I have posted. I am looking through them and I just started crying on the bus. Obviously I am so far away from dealing with my mother's passing. This is just more to add to the list.
The RCMP have not replied to any of my emails concerning mom's chair. Just that she is still talking to the PGT and the manager of Al Hogg. Almost two months now and nothing has been done about the missing, $3000 worth of missing parts.
On to something else again The roommates are giving notice at the end of the month, so I will be homeless at the end of August. I haven't been able to find a place for the beginning of September. Or move with them. This is not an option for me. I will die if that happens.
Just more crap to deal with.
But this and everything else is really starting to get to me. I am getting very depressed.
I need some guidance from GOD or someone.
I can't take things anymore. To much is going on.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Friday, July 29, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
More and more..............
Hello again
I went to the doctors today, again, and he asked me if I was checking my glucose levels. I tell him I didn't even know I was to do this. So I need one of those glucose level checkers and strips. I am totally new at this. I don't even know what it is called. Then the doctor writes a prescription for the machine strips. Off to the pharmacist I go. No I am not covered. This is almost $200. I have to pay, from what I don't know. And on top of this they told me I need to get a bracelet to let anyone know I am a diabetic.
Just great.
I have been having pains through out my left arm. I mentioned this while at the doctors. He sent me straight to the lab for an EKG and more blood tests. I will know tomorrow.
Just great.
;I am so stressed out that it is probably stressed related. I do hope it is not a mild heart attack. Don't need this on top of being told I am diabetic. Still not use to that yet.
Now I am having difficulties with my grief. I am very sad today. Things are not working out and I am becoming more and more depressed. I miss mom greatly. Learning all this, I would of had someone to talk to about all of what is going on.
I have no one to discuss this with. Not a soul. I realize I am truly alone now. There is no one who I can put down as an emergency contact. There is no one who I can call and speak with. There is no one I can even go for coffee with.
ALONE. I have been alone before, but I always knew I had my mother to call and talk to. That is before she became ill. Even then, I wouldn't tell her what is going on, I didn't want mom to be worried or get upset. But I knew I could go to her and sit with her, hold her hand, cry if I needed to. I would just tell her I am crying because I love her so much and that I was crying because I am so great full to be able to look after her. I would be comforted by just being beside her. I knew my mother loved me. Now, no one loves me. Pity me, pity me.
I don't write because I want your pity. No I write to let all know that loosing a loved one is just part of what happens in my life. How extremely painful it is. How lonely it really is. No one knows this until it happens and there is no one around you who can handle what it is that is going on with you.
I have no idea what is going to happen now. I need to go to a diabetic clinic for lessens on how to use a glucose tester, that I don't have and no funds to purchase it. I need to go so that is exactly what I will do.
It is becoming very difficult for me to deal
I am out.
GOD bless and good night
Oh yea, I have no idea what is next or what is going to happen in the next month. Or even what the next step is with my faith. I know I need to start going to church again.
Kristopher W. A. Schmuland
But I do know one thing, I need help and I can't do this alone. It is to painful for me.
Whatever right!
I went to the doctors today, again, and he asked me if I was checking my glucose levels. I tell him I didn't even know I was to do this. So I need one of those glucose level checkers and strips. I am totally new at this. I don't even know what it is called. Then the doctor writes a prescription for the machine strips. Off to the pharmacist I go. No I am not covered. This is almost $200. I have to pay, from what I don't know. And on top of this they told me I need to get a bracelet to let anyone know I am a diabetic.
Just great.
I have been having pains through out my left arm. I mentioned this while at the doctors. He sent me straight to the lab for an EKG and more blood tests. I will know tomorrow.
Just great.
;I am so stressed out that it is probably stressed related. I do hope it is not a mild heart attack. Don't need this on top of being told I am diabetic. Still not use to that yet.
Now I am having difficulties with my grief. I am very sad today. Things are not working out and I am becoming more and more depressed. I miss mom greatly. Learning all this, I would of had someone to talk to about all of what is going on.
I have no one to discuss this with. Not a soul. I realize I am truly alone now. There is no one who I can put down as an emergency contact. There is no one who I can call and speak with. There is no one I can even go for coffee with.
ALONE. I have been alone before, but I always knew I had my mother to call and talk to. That is before she became ill. Even then, I wouldn't tell her what is going on, I didn't want mom to be worried or get upset. But I knew I could go to her and sit with her, hold her hand, cry if I needed to. I would just tell her I am crying because I love her so much and that I was crying because I am so great full to be able to look after her. I would be comforted by just being beside her. I knew my mother loved me. Now, no one loves me. Pity me, pity me.
I don't write because I want your pity. No I write to let all know that loosing a loved one is just part of what happens in my life. How extremely painful it is. How lonely it really is. No one knows this until it happens and there is no one around you who can handle what it is that is going on with you.
I have no idea what is going to happen now. I need to go to a diabetic clinic for lessens on how to use a glucose tester, that I don't have and no funds to purchase it. I need to go so that is exactly what I will do.
It is becoming very difficult for me to deal
I am out.
GOD bless and good night
Oh yea, I have no idea what is next or what is going to happen in the next month. Or even what the next step is with my faith. I know I need to start going to church again.
Kristopher W. A. Schmuland
But I do know one thing, I need help and I can't do this alone. It is to painful for me.
Whatever right!
Monday, July 25, 2016
Still I wander
Hello again
It is becoming more difficult for me to deal with the passing of my mother. For one thing, the music I like to listen to is the same music I played for mom and she enjoyed very much. Now when I listen to our music, it saddens me very much. On the bus I am getting upset and depressed, crying. I have to take the head phones off and turn the music off. I have no idea how to deal with this. This is the music I enjoy listening to. And I got mom hocked on this music as well OK it would of been the music she listened to growing up. Jazz, Blues, Soul. R&B etc.... etc..... I think I might just have to listen to it for a long period of time and train myself not to get upset and cry.
I am starting to spend my days by myself. I am finding that this is the only way I can coup with everything. To much hanging out with friends. Well I only have a few friends and they are fairly new, 6 months. I have a few others that I have know a little while longer. That is it though. It is easy to make friends, well not for me. I think it is easy. But keeping them is the difficult part. I can meet people and have a good repore with them, exchange numbers etc.. as one would do when making new friends. It is the follow up that I have the problem with... Not wanting to.
Confusing you say. Yes it is for me as well. I am told it is because of border line social disorder. The one's I have now, one I am distancing myself from, the other two are a married couple and they, as with other married couples, have other married couples they know and they do things together as husband and wife. This works for me. Very well. I see them once a week and they live in Vancouver. Where as I live in White Rock. An hour and a half, by bus, away. Again, works for me. The one that lives in White Rock, though he is a nice person, he goes out for dinner every night, TIPS, and only eats a this one Greek restaurant. This, I simply can't afford to do and I need variety for dinner. I need to cook for myself. In my present situation, living where I am, I can't cook what I want, when I want, without complaints. "Why are you cooking so late, It is to hot in here to cook this late" So I am getting into arguments with them, about this.
I need a change and it is becoming hard to do this. Not much available. I need to be able to use my own living room, cook when I want, do what I want, without someone getting in my way.
I have lived with to many roommates over the years. The worst part is that before I moved in here, I knew no one that did drugs. I didn't even know the two other tenants in this suite. Just the lady in the wheelchair. Nobody I know does drugs in any shape or form. They don't drink or barely drink.
Yes they will probable read this, but who cares. I don't. That is why this is raw and real. The way it should be. Nothing being held back. I started it this way and I will continue with it this way. Until the end.
I still want to turn this into a book. If anyone out there knows any Ghost writers, let me know.
So I have to eat, I am starting to crash. Need to take my diabetes medication, so that means I need to eat.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
It is becoming more difficult for me to deal with the passing of my mother. For one thing, the music I like to listen to is the same music I played for mom and she enjoyed very much. Now when I listen to our music, it saddens me very much. On the bus I am getting upset and depressed, crying. I have to take the head phones off and turn the music off. I have no idea how to deal with this. This is the music I enjoy listening to. And I got mom hocked on this music as well OK it would of been the music she listened to growing up. Jazz, Blues, Soul. R&B etc.... etc..... I think I might just have to listen to it for a long period of time and train myself not to get upset and cry.
I am starting to spend my days by myself. I am finding that this is the only way I can coup with everything. To much hanging out with friends. Well I only have a few friends and they are fairly new, 6 months. I have a few others that I have know a little while longer. That is it though. It is easy to make friends, well not for me. I think it is easy. But keeping them is the difficult part. I can meet people and have a good repore with them, exchange numbers etc.. as one would do when making new friends. It is the follow up that I have the problem with... Not wanting to.
Confusing you say. Yes it is for me as well. I am told it is because of border line social disorder. The one's I have now, one I am distancing myself from, the other two are a married couple and they, as with other married couples, have other married couples they know and they do things together as husband and wife. This works for me. Very well. I see them once a week and they live in Vancouver. Where as I live in White Rock. An hour and a half, by bus, away. Again, works for me. The one that lives in White Rock, though he is a nice person, he goes out for dinner every night, TIPS, and only eats a this one Greek restaurant. This, I simply can't afford to do and I need variety for dinner. I need to cook for myself. In my present situation, living where I am, I can't cook what I want, when I want, without complaints. "Why are you cooking so late, It is to hot in here to cook this late" So I am getting into arguments with them, about this.
I need a change and it is becoming hard to do this. Not much available. I need to be able to use my own living room, cook when I want, do what I want, without someone getting in my way.
I have lived with to many roommates over the years. The worst part is that before I moved in here, I knew no one that did drugs. I didn't even know the two other tenants in this suite. Just the lady in the wheelchair. Nobody I know does drugs in any shape or form. They don't drink or barely drink.
Yes they will probable read this, but who cares. I don't. That is why this is raw and real. The way it should be. Nothing being held back. I started it this way and I will continue with it this way. Until the end.
I still want to turn this into a book. If anyone out there knows any Ghost writers, let me know.
So I have to eat, I am starting to crash. Need to take my diabetes medication, so that means I need to eat.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
Sunday, July 24, 2016
I am crazy for thinking
Hello again
It has been days now since my last post. I have been getting back really late and have been very tired. This diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes is different for me.I have to take this medication. Which makes my crashes worse. Now when I crash it is hard and I become extremely week.
I am trying to change things around. Slowly
It has hit me hard that mom is gone. I thought about it last night and all day today, how I would read to her each night, sing to her. I have the music I played for her and it is difficult to even listen to it. Especially, since I like jazz and all the music she listened to. Not doing well.
Having allot of anxiety attacks. I don't want to speak with anyone at all right now. Not even friends. I am just going to leave this alone for awhile. Just not call anyone. I am to messed up. I am getting very angry and frustrated as well as becoming extremely annoyed at everything and everyone.
I am trying to do things and I am just being bome-barded with these petty things which are causing me to become annoyed and snappy.
I need a big change in my life.
I am not doing well. I am truly alone. I am OK with it, but I am not.
I just want to be alone, just to do my thing
I have my driving test August 23, and I really can't wait for that. It will free me up. And better opportunities in allot of things.
My cousin is still sending me emails containing post for jobs. Jobs that I won't or can't do. She just doesn't get it.
Leave me alone. Stop sending anything.
She was extremely insulting in a text thread. I just stopped texting her and that will be it . I will not text her anymore. I told her if she wants to speak with me and talk, Call and we will meet for coffee. But no.
Than it is OK with me.
I don't have a family. They want nothing to do with me. It is OK I have not wanted anything to do with them, most of my life.
They keep saying they want nothing to do with me because I am on drugs.
Clean and sober 15 years. Never did anything but smoked pot and drank beer. Besides having all of these problems. Smoking is my only vice. and I want to quit this. Ok a little junk food. Which I have to stop now.
As you can see I am all over the place.
I misplaced or lost an extremely important receipt. Extremely important. Just to messed up lately I have no idea where I put it. I just got it, last Tuesday. Where I usually put receipts, it is not there. I am upset.
I need to go now, I am crashing and need to eat.
Back soon.
I think I need to start this again. Important to me.
GOD bless and goodnight
Kris Schmuland
It has been days now since my last post. I have been getting back really late and have been very tired. This diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes is different for me.I have to take this medication. Which makes my crashes worse. Now when I crash it is hard and I become extremely week.
I am trying to change things around. Slowly
It has hit me hard that mom is gone. I thought about it last night and all day today, how I would read to her each night, sing to her. I have the music I played for her and it is difficult to even listen to it. Especially, since I like jazz and all the music she listened to. Not doing well.
Having allot of anxiety attacks. I don't want to speak with anyone at all right now. Not even friends. I am just going to leave this alone for awhile. Just not call anyone. I am to messed up. I am getting very angry and frustrated as well as becoming extremely annoyed at everything and everyone.
I am trying to do things and I am just being bome-barded with these petty things which are causing me to become annoyed and snappy.
I need a big change in my life.
I am not doing well. I am truly alone. I am OK with it, but I am not.
I just want to be alone, just to do my thing
I have my driving test August 23, and I really can't wait for that. It will free me up. And better opportunities in allot of things.
My cousin is still sending me emails containing post for jobs. Jobs that I won't or can't do. She just doesn't get it.
Leave me alone. Stop sending anything.
She was extremely insulting in a text thread. I just stopped texting her and that will be it . I will not text her anymore. I told her if she wants to speak with me and talk, Call and we will meet for coffee. But no.
Than it is OK with me.
I don't have a family. They want nothing to do with me. It is OK I have not wanted anything to do with them, most of my life.
They keep saying they want nothing to do with me because I am on drugs.
Clean and sober 15 years. Never did anything but smoked pot and drank beer. Besides having all of these problems. Smoking is my only vice. and I want to quit this. Ok a little junk food. Which I have to stop now.
As you can see I am all over the place.
I misplaced or lost an extremely important receipt. Extremely important. Just to messed up lately I have no idea where I put it. I just got it, last Tuesday. Where I usually put receipts, it is not there. I am upset.
I need to go now, I am crashing and need to eat.
Back soon.
I think I need to start this again. Important to me.
GOD bless and goodnight
Kris Schmuland
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