Just when I thought I was rid of ..............

Hello  again

Well I am exhausted today, up early and off I went. Many things to do. But I was kept busy, by my cousin telling me that the family want nothing to do with me, that I am a user and looser. Make your mom proud. This is the one, who the very next day, after mom passed away, was sending me job information. The freaken next day.

Begging for money... Yes to give mom a service. If it were not for my sisters mom would of had a service. But no, she listens to those who were not there for mom. As with the rest of the family. Never ever around. None of them. Not a single one, no grand children, So I had no way to pay for the service so I thought of crowdfunding. Well it didn't work.

I will just have to do it myself. Not good enough for any of them.

Then she is off on this tangent How she spoke with my mother many times about mom wanting me desperately to have a job and be self reliant. That would of been a very long time ago, as I have been taking care of my mother for a very long time. And my mother would  not  of had it any other way. Period.

Then she was trying to guilt me, by telling me I have been defending you. I never asked her or anyone else to defend me. That she must of looked like a fool for sticking up for me.

I have never known them and I don't give a crap if I ever do. They are but strangers to me.

I told her guilt does not work on me.

I have a whole shit list of things wrong with me and it is just growing. The doctor is sending me to see if I might have colon cancer. I could fill the page with the things wrong me. Sure I complain,  who wouldn't. But I live with it and am doing my best.

It is still so soon after mom passed away. Not even 5 months yet. It was me who was the one who looked after mom. I can't just turn that off that easy. Maybe I am not a cold person. Maybe I  have feelings and emotions.

Then I am just reading that my mother was beyond special to her. What a load of crap that is. Where was this person. No where as the others. Mom often talked to her about me,

I CAN SAY THIS. MY MOTHER WAS PROUD OF ME FOR TAKING CARE OF HER. SHE WANTED IT NO OTHER WAY. SHE TOLD ME THIS. SHE KNEW I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE  OF  HER.

NO ONE ELSE.As it was, no one else.

I have been trying to just get over her passing. I will be having a service for her. Very soon. They are all invited, but they won't come, because what they say it bullshit.

These people are strangers to me, and I wish to keep it that way. So why do I care what strangers think of me.

I don't

So she just has been trying to guilt me into. Whatever.


GOD bless and good night


Kristopher Schmuland

Still lost

Hello again

My faith is still not with me, and I have wandered where it went. Maybe a new phase in my spirituality. I don't know............


I think it might be time to go to church again.

So my days are filled with worry now. Considering the doctor thinks I might have colon cancer. And this diabetes thing is not good. Taking the medication, and it is really bothering my stomach as the doctor said it would. I will loose weight because of this.

Then there is the police who have not even written me or called me back, concerning mom's wheelchair. This is really getting me upset. I deserve to know what Al Hogg did with my mother's parts for her chair. Time to take action. But by doing so I am afraid I might have a heart attack. There is allot going on now. The hospital still has not finished with my mom's records. Every time I go into the office I get the same BS. Not ready yet

I am not getting anywhere. I need to set up an office to get some work done. Or just to get something going. I have things and collecting more things. But no place to put them.

I am having very bad days now. Missing my mother and because I can't give her a service. That is one thing that is making me cry the most. As well as looking at her photo's.

I am lost and I am not getting things done. No privacy to do anything. I am confused, I am overwhelmed. I really need to just make lists and get only one or two things done each day instead of being overwhelmed by this massive list of things to do and calls to make.

I have to eat breakfast now. Need to eat to take my medication.

Sincerely

Kristopher Schmuland