Hello again
Today was just a day, I did not know what to do with myself. I just cleaned up a bit. There is allot to clean here. Since the other's who live here don't clean at all. Just swipe occasionally.
Since mom passed away I have not been eating that much at all. I am feeling it. Yet the kitchen is a mess and everywhere else. I am not even here and when I am I am in my room. Writing, thinking, being alone. Here and everywhere else.
For the first time in my life it dawned on me that I am completely and truly alone. Before I had my mother with whom I spoke with everyday. But now, I have no one. Not even a grief counselor. I was able to get the number of a psychologist, but I can't get to see them for two months. In the mean time, yes now, is when I need someone the most. Yes two months from now, I will still need to talk to someone, but really.
Everything reminds me of mom. I was about to buy flowers for her, yesterday. Maybe I already said this to you. And I was at the cashier, before I realized, I was buying flowers for no one. I could not even get them to put beside her urn.
I don't have it!
That is the part that really bothers me. The sister's just don't get it. I spent the last ten years of my life taking care of my mother. Everything I did was for her. My days were spent just looking for things for her, Picking up her fruit, her chocolates, her dessert. Coming back at night and making a dinner for her. Getting her lotions and hair care products. But not just getting them. I hunted for the best price for them, so I could use what I saved to get mom some more clothing. Something nice for her to wear.
I wanted mom to always look good. She always had nice clothing. Good quality and cotton. I shopped at a few stores and the staff all new me and would tell me when the sales are on and put things aside for me.
I had allot of people helping me out with mom's life. Well not helping me take care of her, but giving me good prices and deals on things. Extra samples of the cosmetics she liked.
I wrote all sorts of companies, for products that mom loved. To get samples of different things.
But now I sit alone, I sit just craving attention from someone, anyone. Just someone to sit with me and listen to all of this.
Yes I love to write this and I think it is great that people from all over this planet have read my Blog. And so many times. Not like other Blogs, but this is of a sensitive nature.
I am trying to do all I can with the forms for the Supreme Court. I found a place to help me fill them in, but I still need legal help doing the rest. I will do all I can. B
But I still need your help. Please assist me with a small donation.
Even $1.00 or $5.00 all will help.
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
Please find it in your hearts to help this cause out.
Thank you
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Friday, February 26, 2016
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Not very good days
Hello again
I didn't write last night, as it was not a good day for me, and today was no better. OK a little better. It just hit me and crashed me out. I was truly grieving for my loss last night and today.
I could not stop crying. I was in serious pain. I hurt all over, I couldn't sleep. I just lied there, just staring at the ceiling. Hoping for sleep. But no, that did not happen until 4:30 am. Up I was at 8 and needed to get busy. But all I did was just cry for most of this morning. Of course I did what I needed to do. Minus phone calls. Who can talk when they are just a blithering soul.
All sorts of memories came rushing back. I was reliving mom's final moments over and over again. Could I of done more, could I have done this or done that. Did I make mom comfortable enough for her new journey.
I am guilty because I didn't. I am torn because I could of done more for her, made her more comfortable. Instead of being on her back, I could of rolled her on her side facing me. These are the things I am really feeling bad about. I didn't do this for her.
It was quick, Mom let go, I know I released her. And this is the part that still hurts when thinking about it. Not even half an hour after I told her that I wanted her to stay, but it was selfish of me to say this, and if it is your time, mom, then let go, I can't even think about that without crying. I will never forget that moment.
I am guilty because I could of done more for her.
I am in pain, I hurt and there is no one for me to talk to about this. No one. I am alone and very lonely. I don't know what I am suppose to do...
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even go out without the fear of breaking down when someone says the littlest thing that reminds me of mom.
It has not been a good couple of days, but this is to be expected.When one is mourning the loss of someone so close.
So no news so far on the fate of mom's ashes. Still just sitting in probate. Well on the self in the funeral home.
Saw a lawyer this week to start the process of the will. Going to take a while for this to happen, So mom continues to sit.
Unless you can donate to my legal fund to get mom's ashes.
https://gofundme.com/ka556fdk
Oh yea I came back this evening and the landlord was here and turned the heat down and put covers over the thermostats. It was very cold in here, so I took one of the covers off and turned the heat up. This is the kind of bullshit I don't need right now. He just doesn't get it, IT IS STILL WINTER.
I need to move and right away. I just can't be here anymore.To many painful memories. I need a new start somewhere else.
I found a place, it is shared with someone I know, but away from this crap. There is mold all through out the bathroom ceiling and in the hallway just outside the bathroom. I am breathing in this crap. I will go to my doctor and get tested for mold spores, to see if there are any in my lungs.
I need to go and try to eat something. I really am not hungry.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
I didn't write last night, as it was not a good day for me, and today was no better. OK a little better. It just hit me and crashed me out. I was truly grieving for my loss last night and today.
I could not stop crying. I was in serious pain. I hurt all over, I couldn't sleep. I just lied there, just staring at the ceiling. Hoping for sleep. But no, that did not happen until 4:30 am. Up I was at 8 and needed to get busy. But all I did was just cry for most of this morning. Of course I did what I needed to do. Minus phone calls. Who can talk when they are just a blithering soul.
All sorts of memories came rushing back. I was reliving mom's final moments over and over again. Could I of done more, could I have done this or done that. Did I make mom comfortable enough for her new journey.
I am guilty because I didn't. I am torn because I could of done more for her, made her more comfortable. Instead of being on her back, I could of rolled her on her side facing me. These are the things I am really feeling bad about. I didn't do this for her.
It was quick, Mom let go, I know I released her. And this is the part that still hurts when thinking about it. Not even half an hour after I told her that I wanted her to stay, but it was selfish of me to say this, and if it is your time, mom, then let go, I can't even think about that without crying. I will never forget that moment.
I am guilty because I could of done more for her.
I am in pain, I hurt and there is no one for me to talk to about this. No one. I am alone and very lonely. I don't know what I am suppose to do...
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even go out without the fear of breaking down when someone says the littlest thing that reminds me of mom.
It has not been a good couple of days, but this is to be expected.When one is mourning the loss of someone so close.
So no news so far on the fate of mom's ashes. Still just sitting in probate. Well on the self in the funeral home.
Saw a lawyer this week to start the process of the will. Going to take a while for this to happen, So mom continues to sit.
Unless you can donate to my legal fund to get mom's ashes.
https://gofundme.com/ka556fdk
Oh yea I came back this evening and the landlord was here and turned the heat down and put covers over the thermostats. It was very cold in here, so I took one of the covers off and turned the heat up. This is the kind of bullshit I don't need right now. He just doesn't get it, IT IS STILL WINTER.
I need to move and right away. I just can't be here anymore.To many painful memories. I need a new start somewhere else.
I found a place, it is shared with someone I know, but away from this crap. There is mold all through out the bathroom ceiling and in the hallway just outside the bathroom. I am breathing in this crap. I will go to my doctor and get tested for mold spores, to see if there are any in my lungs.
I need to go and try to eat something. I really am not hungry.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Monday, February 22, 2016
It is just heartbreaking
Hello again
Over three weeks now since mom passed away and I am still getting up and getting on the bus, to go to White Rock. Then I realize half way there, I am going nowhere and fast.
It is just still to fresh for me. I see things in the store and think, mom would like that or mom would look good in that. And think, Oh yes is gone. Then I shed a tear of five.
It is still very difficult for me I lost my existence, my purpose in life. To take care of someone. To be there for someone. This is what I lived for. Over a decade. All I ever thought of was mom's needs and I enjoyed doing it all. I never had a regret. As I continue to say, I would do it all over again. Despite what everyone else told me.
Yes I lost all my friends because of it. But really were they true friends to begin with. If thy couldn't understand that my mother sacrificed for me and was always there for me. That is payback, my turn to do everything I could ever of done for her.
Yes I am guilty for not doing more for her. Not finding a place in White Rock in time. Not taking her out more often. No matter what time I left Coquitlam. I always seemed to get there, having not enough time to take mom out. I did push her around a bit. But not enough. I feel really guilty about that. Just to get her outside. My biggest mistake I made. Not fighting hard enough for her rights. Not doing more to keep her alive.
Those are the hardest memories I have to live with and they will haunt me forever. I did not do enough for my mother while she was alive. I didn't do enough, I didn't do enough. I keep repeating in my head.
Even though others say, you were there everyday, doing everything for her. But it wasn't enough. I still want to do more for her. I want to have her ashes so I can talk to her. To know she is with the one who did the work. And it wasn't work to me, It didn't bother me. I never complained about taking the bus.
Yes there were a few days that I didn't get enough sleep and just wanted to go later. But I knew mom was waiting for me, and I couldn't let her down. No mater if I was in pain, to tired or whatever. Mom was stuck in that place with no one to talk to, to sit with,. I knew mom always new that she was getting a home cooked meal each and every night. I just loved doing this for her.
I don't cook like that now, I have no one to cook for. But myself. and I am not in the mood to cook or even eat. Good thing, as I have nothing. And again, I am just not hungry. I know I have lost several pounds since mom passed away. To bad.
Grieving this loss is to hard to bare most of the time. My days are filled with ups and downs. I cry, I don't cry. I am angry, I knew they were going to be like this.
Is it my fault that they, my sisters, didn't spend anytime with mom. Or any of them,even going to visit her. NO I am not the one who is shouting, I should of, I could of.
I did and still want to do. But it is to late now. Mom passed away, Peacefully. Holding my hand. I will never forget that moment. I am guilty that I was on my laptop, But not when she passed away, I was holding her hand looking at her.
There are many things I would do over if I had the chance. The last 1/2 hour of her life is what I would want to do again. I knew mom was going to pass away that night, but not that soon. As I have stated, within half and hour after I told her that it was OK That I wanted her to live, but that is selfish of me to want that, if it is your time mom, then let go, be free. And as I mentioned, within half an hour after telling her that, she passed away.
The hardest thing though is watching mom take her last three breaths. That was and is the hardest thing I will ever go through. No one seems to get it. I did this and was there for her last 24 hours and this is what I was there for. To make sure mom did not pass away, alone. She didn't.
So why is it so hard for the sisters to understand why I want mom's ashes. It was me who did everything for our mother all those years.No one else was around, Not a soul,
I regret not doing more for her. Even though all who know me, know I did everything I could for my mother.
Even bus driver friends know what I did, They were driving me home each and every night. Some know what has happened, that mom passed away on January 31, at 9:08 pm 2016. and they know what is going on with my sisters
I could go on and one tonight, but I have to end this now. I really have to eat. It has been three days since I last ate and I am feeling weak.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher W. A. Schmuland
Over three weeks now since mom passed away and I am still getting up and getting on the bus, to go to White Rock. Then I realize half way there, I am going nowhere and fast.
It is just still to fresh for me. I see things in the store and think, mom would like that or mom would look good in that. And think, Oh yes is gone. Then I shed a tear of five.
It is still very difficult for me I lost my existence, my purpose in life. To take care of someone. To be there for someone. This is what I lived for. Over a decade. All I ever thought of was mom's needs and I enjoyed doing it all. I never had a regret. As I continue to say, I would do it all over again. Despite what everyone else told me.
Yes I lost all my friends because of it. But really were they true friends to begin with. If thy couldn't understand that my mother sacrificed for me and was always there for me. That is payback, my turn to do everything I could ever of done for her.
Yes I am guilty for not doing more for her. Not finding a place in White Rock in time. Not taking her out more often. No matter what time I left Coquitlam. I always seemed to get there, having not enough time to take mom out. I did push her around a bit. But not enough. I feel really guilty about that. Just to get her outside. My biggest mistake I made. Not fighting hard enough for her rights. Not doing more to keep her alive.
Those are the hardest memories I have to live with and they will haunt me forever. I did not do enough for my mother while she was alive. I didn't do enough, I didn't do enough. I keep repeating in my head.
Even though others say, you were there everyday, doing everything for her. But it wasn't enough. I still want to do more for her. I want to have her ashes so I can talk to her. To know she is with the one who did the work. And it wasn't work to me, It didn't bother me. I never complained about taking the bus.
Yes there were a few days that I didn't get enough sleep and just wanted to go later. But I knew mom was waiting for me, and I couldn't let her down. No mater if I was in pain, to tired or whatever. Mom was stuck in that place with no one to talk to, to sit with,. I knew mom always new that she was getting a home cooked meal each and every night. I just loved doing this for her.
I don't cook like that now, I have no one to cook for. But myself. and I am not in the mood to cook or even eat. Good thing, as I have nothing. And again, I am just not hungry. I know I have lost several pounds since mom passed away. To bad.
Grieving this loss is to hard to bare most of the time. My days are filled with ups and downs. I cry, I don't cry. I am angry, I knew they were going to be like this.
Is it my fault that they, my sisters, didn't spend anytime with mom. Or any of them,even going to visit her. NO I am not the one who is shouting, I should of, I could of.
I did and still want to do. But it is to late now. Mom passed away, Peacefully. Holding my hand. I will never forget that moment. I am guilty that I was on my laptop, But not when she passed away, I was holding her hand looking at her.
There are many things I would do over if I had the chance. The last 1/2 hour of her life is what I would want to do again. I knew mom was going to pass away that night, but not that soon. As I have stated, within half and hour after I told her that it was OK That I wanted her to live, but that is selfish of me to want that, if it is your time mom, then let go, be free. And as I mentioned, within half an hour after telling her that, she passed away.
The hardest thing though is watching mom take her last three breaths. That was and is the hardest thing I will ever go through. No one seems to get it. I did this and was there for her last 24 hours and this is what I was there for. To make sure mom did not pass away, alone. She didn't.
So why is it so hard for the sisters to understand why I want mom's ashes. It was me who did everything for our mother all those years.No one else was around, Not a soul,
I regret not doing more for her. Even though all who know me, know I did everything I could for my mother.
Even bus driver friends know what I did, They were driving me home each and every night. Some know what has happened, that mom passed away on January 31, at 9:08 pm 2016. and they know what is going on with my sisters
I could go on and one tonight, but I have to end this now. I really have to eat. It has been three days since I last ate and I am feeling weak.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher W. A. Schmuland
Sunday, February 21, 2016
3 weeks now
Hello again
Today is three weeks since mom passed away. It has been the most difficult three weeks of my life. I don't know what to do with myself. I am use to getting up and going, stopping along the way for mom's fruit and vegetables. Getting everything she likes.
I am grieving, I am mourning. But how can I when I have to deal with this nonsense of having to go to court to prove that I am the one who should be getting mom's ashes.
The, so called sisters. who did nothing for there mother. Not even a piece of fruit, did they bring. Not even a cold drink did they bring. Now they want everything. They think they can do what they want and the law does not apply to them.
Turn around, after plans were made, and cancel them, without even talking to me about it. We are all co-executers of her will. We all have to make the decision about her.
Not just the two of them. Just like they did for my father. Behind my back,
My dad did not even get the Veterans funeral he so deserved. Instead he was just cremated. And I was not even told about that. I had to find out from the funeral home, After I was arranging the Veterans funeral for him and when I called to let the funeral home know what was happening, is when I was told that dad was already cremated and the service was happening in a place I could not get to by bus. Just as it is now.
If it were not for the funeral director, I would not even have been in Mission to arrange anything. Which happened.
Actually, if I did not go downtown to the Public Guardian and Trustee's office that Friday, I would not of know it was canceled I had told many people that her service was going to be the next Friday. It was then I called the funeral home in Mission, to find out the girls had already made an appointment to have the service there, in Mission. A place that I can't get to by bus.
Because they are on their high horse, thinking they have the right to do anything they want. They don't care about the law. They, just like it has always been with them, think they are better than anyone and the law does not apply to them.
Yes I am repeating myself. But you really need to know what type of people I am dealing with. I did not get to go to my own fathers funeral. My dad. Because of them
Now they wanted to do the same for my mother. Who it was I, who looked after her for over a decade. Who was there for everything that happened to her. I saw and was there for all that mom went through.
I witnessed her decline, first hand. From not being able to use the phone anymore, to not being able to feed herself anymore. I was there. I looked after her. Not the two sisters
They were no where to be found.
When there were problems. It was I who had to file the complaints. I needed to have the meetings. I was on the phone getting things done. I spoke with all the staff, the management. I made sure that mom had everything she needed.
From her own sheets, to the proper food and nutrition for her. I made sure mom was given the supplements she needed. If they could not feed her. I was able to
Towards the end. the staff could not feed her. Only I was able to feed her. She didn't trust anyone else
Trust, who did she trust.
The answer is only me. Mom did not even trust her own daughters She would not let them do anything for her. Well they did nothing anyways.
I knew when the girls were there. I was told. I was also told how they interacted with mom. How long they stayed for. Everything. I know they just sat there. Not even holding mom's hand.
I always asked mom how her visit with them was. And most of the time she did not care if they were there or not. They did nothing for her.
I never once tried to stop the girls from coming. I never bad mouthed them in front of anyone. I encouraged that they visit mom.
I was always disappointed that they could not of even brought mom a drink, a chocolate bar or anything.
I am mourning, I am grieving and I should not be having to deal with this.
I need your help to bring mom home to were she wants to be. I know mom wants to be home with me.
I just ask for a little help from all of you
Just $1.00 Just $5.00. this is the price of one of your coffee's in the morning. Not very much to ask for.
I just need to hire a lawyer to assist me to bring this to the Supreme court and let the court decide who gets mom's ashes.
If the judge rules in their favor. so be it. I won't challenge that. I just don;t want mom's ashes to sit in the funeral home for who knows how long.
I am not challenging the will. It is split three ways. I just want mom.
Please donate to this cause.
https://gofundme.com/ka556fdk
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher W. A. Schmuland
Today is three weeks since mom passed away. It has been the most difficult three weeks of my life. I don't know what to do with myself. I am use to getting up and going, stopping along the way for mom's fruit and vegetables. Getting everything she likes.
I am grieving, I am mourning. But how can I when I have to deal with this nonsense of having to go to court to prove that I am the one who should be getting mom's ashes.
The, so called sisters. who did nothing for there mother. Not even a piece of fruit, did they bring. Not even a cold drink did they bring. Now they want everything. They think they can do what they want and the law does not apply to them.
Turn around, after plans were made, and cancel them, without even talking to me about it. We are all co-executers of her will. We all have to make the decision about her.
Not just the two of them. Just like they did for my father. Behind my back,
My dad did not even get the Veterans funeral he so deserved. Instead he was just cremated. And I was not even told about that. I had to find out from the funeral home, After I was arranging the Veterans funeral for him and when I called to let the funeral home know what was happening, is when I was told that dad was already cremated and the service was happening in a place I could not get to by bus. Just as it is now.
If it were not for the funeral director, I would not even have been in Mission to arrange anything. Which happened.
Actually, if I did not go downtown to the Public Guardian and Trustee's office that Friday, I would not of know it was canceled I had told many people that her service was going to be the next Friday. It was then I called the funeral home in Mission, to find out the girls had already made an appointment to have the service there, in Mission. A place that I can't get to by bus.
Because they are on their high horse, thinking they have the right to do anything they want. They don't care about the law. They, just like it has always been with them, think they are better than anyone and the law does not apply to them.
Yes I am repeating myself. But you really need to know what type of people I am dealing with. I did not get to go to my own fathers funeral. My dad. Because of them
Now they wanted to do the same for my mother. Who it was I, who looked after her for over a decade. Who was there for everything that happened to her. I saw and was there for all that mom went through.
I witnessed her decline, first hand. From not being able to use the phone anymore, to not being able to feed herself anymore. I was there. I looked after her. Not the two sisters
They were no where to be found.
When there were problems. It was I who had to file the complaints. I needed to have the meetings. I was on the phone getting things done. I spoke with all the staff, the management. I made sure that mom had everything she needed.
From her own sheets, to the proper food and nutrition for her. I made sure mom was given the supplements she needed. If they could not feed her. I was able to
Towards the end. the staff could not feed her. Only I was able to feed her. She didn't trust anyone else
Trust, who did she trust.
The answer is only me. Mom did not even trust her own daughters She would not let them do anything for her. Well they did nothing anyways.
I knew when the girls were there. I was told. I was also told how they interacted with mom. How long they stayed for. Everything. I know they just sat there. Not even holding mom's hand.
I always asked mom how her visit with them was. And most of the time she did not care if they were there or not. They did nothing for her.
I never once tried to stop the girls from coming. I never bad mouthed them in front of anyone. I encouraged that they visit mom.
I was always disappointed that they could not of even brought mom a drink, a chocolate bar or anything.
I am mourning, I am grieving and I should not be having to deal with this.
I need your help to bring mom home to were she wants to be. I know mom wants to be home with me.
I just ask for a little help from all of you
Just $1.00 Just $5.00. this is the price of one of your coffee's in the morning. Not very much to ask for.
I just need to hire a lawyer to assist me to bring this to the Supreme court and let the court decide who gets mom's ashes.
If the judge rules in their favor. so be it. I won't challenge that. I just don;t want mom's ashes to sit in the funeral home for who knows how long.
I am not challenging the will. It is split three ways. I just want mom.
Please donate to this cause.
https://gofundme.com/ka556fdk
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher W. A. Schmuland
Another day of loss
Hello again
It was a better day today, the sun was out and I spent time remembering mom Her beauty, her likes, her personality. I hardly cried today, doesn't mean tomorrow I will not cry. Just remembering her today made me feel good.
Yesterday I received a call from the lovely women I knew through Al Hogg. She didn't know if it would be intrusive to call me, or a bad time. But I was happy someone from there called me, It was very nice of her to think about me, and to say sorry for your loss.
At least someone called to express sorrow. No one else has, to my disappointment. I thought after spending years there, everyday, that at least one person would of called by now. But I thought wrong. To bad, I liked most of the staff.
But today, being a good day, doesn't stop me from feeling guilty for not moving out there, just taking anything to be closer to mom. But I wanted to have a place that I could bring mom too. I was just not thinking or just being to picky. To my mother's detriment. Not having me over more often and not bringing her over for meals or just to get out of the place.
That dam bus ride, took to much time, by the time I arrived it was dinner. Well almost dinner.
I do feel like a complete looser though. Not worthy. I won't be able to get over that. It will haunt me until the day I die. I just wanted so much more for my mother. So much. I guess I wasn't willing to bend over backwards. It is hurtful to me.
I feel pain and I am feeling more now than earlier today. I am very sad, upset and extremely lonely. I have never felt so alone in my life. I wasn't alone before. Even though I had no friends left, I had mom to talk to, mom to spend time with. She was my friend and mother. Even though she could not speak, I still asked her questions and asked for her advice. She was mom and only mom's can give you proper advice.
So now I morn with a huge hole in my heart. I cannot stop feeling alone. I hurt deep down, and only GOD can save me.
I miss mom each and everyday. More and more. It has still not sunk in that she is gone. I still want to call the home and ask if she is OK. But I know she has passed on. Her spirit still lives in me. I can feel her.
Yet I still am waiting for mom to come and visit me. I do believe this. I believe our loved one's spirits live on and can come and speak to us, to guide us. To encourage us. I wait for you mom. I love you and miss you.
I don't know what to do now, I go out, to nowhere, I travel to nowhere. I just exist. Not hungry, not sleeping much at all. I keep waking up at 3 am. I don't know why 3 am, but that is the magical hour for me to wake up. Strange.
I am getting maybe 3 hours of sleep each night. I am exhausted all day, and almost falling asleep on the bus all the time. I wonder if anyone notices that I am going nowhere, rather slowly. I wonder if anyone even see's me. I know no one even cares when I start to shed a tear on the bus. But I go on.
I go on to nothing. I have nothing and I feel that I am nothing without taking care of mom.
This is something I was not prepared for. Even though I knew someday this was going to happen. But not this soon.
I am now without both parents. I am to young for this. But mom lived until she was 87 and dad 88. so they had many many years. Yet I know mom would of lived longer if the home would of listened to me when I said she was sick. Not wait until I threatened to take mom to the hospital, is when they did something about it.
I am upset at that. I do have more important things to do than worry about that.
Mom's ashes are now sitting in the funeral home and will be there for a very long time. Just sitting thanks to my sister's and their greed. Wanting everything, yet doing nothing for there mother in the last 10 years of her life .... I would know, I was there.
Well now what to do. I won't get much sleep and I am up early to go to church. Where I should be meeting people. But not really. The same old same old. I went there last Sunday, the pastor knows all about my loss and no one else knows. It is OK, I am not a member.
But I will continue to go. I will just try to get to sleep earlier tonight. Yes tonight, It is 12: 08 here. Today it will be 3 weeks since mom passed away and it is still just as fresh as it was the day she passed away. Yes 3 weeks.
I ask for your help again. I don't ask for allot. Just a few dollars from each and my goal will be reached. Who knows how long mom will sit.
$1.00 or$5.00 from enough people and my goal will be met.
https://gofundme.com/ka556fdk
GOD bless you and good night
Kris Schmuland
It was a better day today, the sun was out and I spent time remembering mom Her beauty, her likes, her personality. I hardly cried today, doesn't mean tomorrow I will not cry. Just remembering her today made me feel good.
Yesterday I received a call from the lovely women I knew through Al Hogg. She didn't know if it would be intrusive to call me, or a bad time. But I was happy someone from there called me, It was very nice of her to think about me, and to say sorry for your loss.
At least someone called to express sorrow. No one else has, to my disappointment. I thought after spending years there, everyday, that at least one person would of called by now. But I thought wrong. To bad, I liked most of the staff.
But today, being a good day, doesn't stop me from feeling guilty for not moving out there, just taking anything to be closer to mom. But I wanted to have a place that I could bring mom too. I was just not thinking or just being to picky. To my mother's detriment. Not having me over more often and not bringing her over for meals or just to get out of the place.
That dam bus ride, took to much time, by the time I arrived it was dinner. Well almost dinner.
I do feel like a complete looser though. Not worthy. I won't be able to get over that. It will haunt me until the day I die. I just wanted so much more for my mother. So much. I guess I wasn't willing to bend over backwards. It is hurtful to me.
I feel pain and I am feeling more now than earlier today. I am very sad, upset and extremely lonely. I have never felt so alone in my life. I wasn't alone before. Even though I had no friends left, I had mom to talk to, mom to spend time with. She was my friend and mother. Even though she could not speak, I still asked her questions and asked for her advice. She was mom and only mom's can give you proper advice.
So now I morn with a huge hole in my heart. I cannot stop feeling alone. I hurt deep down, and only GOD can save me.
I miss mom each and everyday. More and more. It has still not sunk in that she is gone. I still want to call the home and ask if she is OK. But I know she has passed on. Her spirit still lives in me. I can feel her.
Yet I still am waiting for mom to come and visit me. I do believe this. I believe our loved one's spirits live on and can come and speak to us, to guide us. To encourage us. I wait for you mom. I love you and miss you.
I don't know what to do now, I go out, to nowhere, I travel to nowhere. I just exist. Not hungry, not sleeping much at all. I keep waking up at 3 am. I don't know why 3 am, but that is the magical hour for me to wake up. Strange.
I am getting maybe 3 hours of sleep each night. I am exhausted all day, and almost falling asleep on the bus all the time. I wonder if anyone notices that I am going nowhere, rather slowly. I wonder if anyone even see's me. I know no one even cares when I start to shed a tear on the bus. But I go on.
I go on to nothing. I have nothing and I feel that I am nothing without taking care of mom.
This is something I was not prepared for. Even though I knew someday this was going to happen. But not this soon.
I am now without both parents. I am to young for this. But mom lived until she was 87 and dad 88. so they had many many years. Yet I know mom would of lived longer if the home would of listened to me when I said she was sick. Not wait until I threatened to take mom to the hospital, is when they did something about it.
I am upset at that. I do have more important things to do than worry about that.
Mom's ashes are now sitting in the funeral home and will be there for a very long time. Just sitting thanks to my sister's and their greed. Wanting everything, yet doing nothing for there mother in the last 10 years of her life .... I would know, I was there.
Well now what to do. I won't get much sleep and I am up early to go to church. Where I should be meeting people. But not really. The same old same old. I went there last Sunday, the pastor knows all about my loss and no one else knows. It is OK, I am not a member.
But I will continue to go. I will just try to get to sleep earlier tonight. Yes tonight, It is 12: 08 here. Today it will be 3 weeks since mom passed away and it is still just as fresh as it was the day she passed away. Yes 3 weeks.
I ask for your help again. I don't ask for allot. Just a few dollars from each and my goal will be reached. Who knows how long mom will sit.
$1.00 or$5.00 from enough people and my goal will be met.
https://gofundme.com/ka556fdk
GOD bless you and good night
Kris Schmuland
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)