Ongoing

Hello again

Well, it has been a few days since my last writing and my life has seemed to be getting worse. I am feeling more and more devastated at the loss of my mother. The more time I have alone, the more the grief is starting to affect me.

I am listening to music, yes I think I mentioned this. And singing. On one hand I feel by singing this music, I am remembering mom, paying homage to mom. Then on the other hand, by listening to this music, it is making me extremely sad, making me cry, uncontrollably. The music I listen to is the music mom listened to.

I am moving at the end of September. Yes out of this mess. It is a good thing. But morally I needed to go and speak with a social worker at the hospital about the lady in the wheelchair. Now that it is done, it is out of my hands. She can't afford to stay here and pay for this apartment herself. Nor can I. And no matter how much she tells me and others, she cannot look after herself. She needs care 24/7 365 and I cannot provide this for her.

I can barely take care of myself. I have all these things wrong with me and it seems that with each passing day, something else seems to be wrong with me.

This diabetes is a major issue. I am suppose to eat three times a day. I just can't afford to eat three meals a day. I am to be taking medication with each meal. The medication has to be taken with food. Or it will really upset my stomach. I just can't afford to eat three times a day. And I am suppose to test my blood, 1 hour before each meal and two hours after each meal. Now how is this possible. I said this to my doctor. I just don't have the resources to do this.

So I am having to do without. The doctor tells me I won't get better without doing this. I guess I won't be getting better.

So I cannot stop thinking about my mother. Driving,walking, riding the bus. Mom is always on my mind. I could of done this, I could of done that. I didn't do enough is exactly what I know. I really could of done more, That is my opinion. Contrary to what others say. Which is " You did everything you could of, You did more than anyone else would of and did"  That is just not good enough for me.

Now that things are getting this way, I am feeling more and more........................


GOD bless and good night

K

Please pray for whatever or just something. I do need your prayers.

One less thing

Hello again

Well today I passed my drivers road test, so I am back on the road. You think l should be happy about this. But I am not. It is just now I have a drivers license. It hasn't changed the fact that I think of myself as a looser.

The license doesn't matter. Everything doesn't matter. I would rather have my mother still alive than anything else. I had a purpose. Now nothing. No purpose, no life. A huge part of me died when mom passed away. A major part of who I was and am. Which I am no more. Just back to what everyone thinks I am. I am the first to admit it. I don't need any member of my family telling me that I am this and I am that.  I am very good at putting myself down, putting myself into perspective, my life and what I am and will be.

There is nothing in this world that I want more than to have mom alive and me looking after her. It was the best thing I have ever did with my life. Yes I repeat this over and over again. Yet it is the truth and no matter what is said about me, This I know to be the proudest moments of my life.  It is now really just starting to hit me. And it is hitting me extremely hard.

The music I listen to, I played for mom. Now, when I listen to this music, I get very sad and start to cry. I don't know what to do. This is the music that I enjoy and have been listening to before I started to play it for mom.  And mom really enjoyed this music as well. She loved it and wanted it playing as much as possible....  All night long, mom listen to this. Now I can't, without breaking down.

There are so many things that need to be done, I don't even know if I am even capable of doing this or any of it. I am doing my best.

I should be happy, friends say. Again, no I am not. I don't even want to be around anyone. Again, this is happening.

Right now, at this moment, I am feeling just like a stump. I feel my life just slinking down a drain. Ever so slowly, maybe even quickly  We will see

 I have my glucose reader, but I am not doing what I am to do. Check, check and check my blood sugar level. I just can't bring myself to it.

I am afraid.

GOD bless and good night

K

It just won't go away

Hello again

So even though I had a good day, as soon as I got by myself, my depression kicked in. And boy has it kicked in. I am feeling worthless. I am feeling that I can't do the workshops. I know I can, but I feel that I can't. I am afraid of everything. Even though I have no reason to be afraid. There is nothing going on in my life that would cause me to be afraid.

I have so many things going on. I don't know what I am doing. I missed my diabetes clinic on Saturday. Being awaken late at night, does not make for a good sleep. Especially when one has to be up at 6 am, when you don't even get to bed until 3 am. Couldn't sleep. This is my story.

I have a terrible time falling asleep and it is not until late or early that I end up falling asleep.

Now Tuesday I have to take my Driving test. I am worried about that. Even though I have been driving all over the place.

I just can't even write tonight, but I thought I should at least write something. So there it is.

Please pray or not. Up to you

GOD bless and good night

Kris