Sunday Dec 29

Hello again

I have not written since Wednesday as I have been really depressed.

I suffer from Clinical depression and anxiety disorder, OCD, Chronic pain. But the doctor tells me I am in a rut. Is suffering through this for 15 years a rut. I think not. I am seeing that he has no clue about depression. I have seen psychologists. I would not drive for years after a car accident PTSD and this is why I saw a psychologist. It helped. I was able to drive again.

It has been really bad. Before Christmas and is continuing. As I have been alone every night and have not even had a conversation with a single person, since before Christmas. I am not talking about saying hello to the nurses. I do, however, converse with mom. Other than that, no one. I am feeling very alone and depressed.

I just wanted a Christmas for once. And maybe a present. But I guess I am not worthy of any of this.

I already feel down on myself and if it were not for me looking after mom, who knows if I would even be around anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is being able to look after mom. I am thankful that I can do this. And so is my mother.

If it were not for me being their for mom, I don't think she would be around either. So it works out for the both of us. I think mom would of given up a long time ago. Being alone, and lonely.

I guess it would seem that we both need each other.

But when I get to the home were mom is, I put everything aside and put a smile on my face for mom. She doesn't need some sorry ass son, whining and complaining.

The anti depressant medication that the doctor prescribed is not very good for me.

I am not sleeping, nor eating.

After I buy my bus pass, I will have very little left over.  I have no idea how I will make mom dinners, or get the fruit she needs or make her smoothies for the next week. Let alone feed myself. If I can just get through the week making mom dinner and getting her fruit, plus making her smoothies, I don't care if I eat or not. I just care if mom gets what she is use to .....

I can't even afford a new tip for my cane. It is worn out and it is wood on pavement. I am slipping all over the place. If I am not careful I will slip and fall and hurt myself even more than I am now.

Just getting to move to White Rock would improve my mood considerably.

Since Christmas, mom has been good. Eating well and allot. She enjoyed Christmas, is enjoying her Duvet and Cover. My sisters brought her some nice pants and a sweater.

I can't even write anymore. I am just not feeling well. I am tired and hungry and the way it is going I am not going to get either.

But mom is well and happy.

Tonight I wanted to leave a little early, but mom would not let me go. She has a strong grip. She wanted me to stay longer. Or at least until she was almost asleep. But I needed to leave. It ended up I left at the normal time.

It is OK though. I got home at a decent time anyways.

I am no longer going to wish for anything or even look at flyer's anymore. Not worth it. Nothing happens anyways

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Christmas Day 2013

Hello again

Well I forgot to mention in my last post that I won an E-Gift Card, received the email on Monday, from one of the local Electronic retailers. It was not enough for me to get a decent printer or anything I would want. But my roommate bought it off me. I lost a few dollars, but oh well.

So I scrambled around, yesterday, Christmas Eve, and bought mom some gifts. Which is cool. It happened.

I was up until 2 Am cooking mom's Christmas meal. And today......

I arrived early, so I could spend time with mom, while she opened her gifts. Mom loved everything I got her. A comforter, a Duvet cover, and a sweater. Plus a little bit of chocolate. It wan't that much, everything was on sale.

Anyways, mom ate everything I made for her, except for the potatoes. This she gets everyday, so she wanted nothing to do with the potatoes. But everything else. I was wondering where she was putting it all. Two big plates of food. A Cornish game hen, stuffing ( what I put in the bird) plus the left over. Brussell sprouts and asparagus. Oh yea, Ice cream, and her chocolate. She didn't have room for the papaya this evening. Basically everything I brought for her. I didn't think she would eat all of it, but she did and that is fantastic.

All of my complaining aside. The best gift I received this Christmas was mom enjoying the meal I cooked her and loving what I got for her.

Plus the caring and love I saw in her eye's, that she has for me.

My only family. My mother and I.

Nothing can compare to this. So I didn't get anything or have a Christmas dinner. What I received was far better than that.

Well I am very tired tonight. I have a bowl of soup and grill cheese sandwich waiting for me. I need to go and eat and get to bed. OK, watch something while relaxing.


Thank you for reading.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Christmas Eve

Hello again

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT

Mom was in a good mood again this evening, She gave me a huge smile when I arrived and was very affectionate.

I made her some pasta she likes and she ate all of it... And all of her dessert. Ice Cream, papaya, a gold Kiwi plus her Lindt Chocolates.

We listened to soft jazz through out dinner. And Christmas music afterwards. I got mom changed and ready for bed.

The roommate had gone out, so the room was extremely quit tonight. Which is great for mom and I. No one bothering us, or me, to do things for them. Or listen to the roommate tell me about a brother, that doesn't exist. Or the baby in the bed under her legs.

My sisters, or sister, and the grand kids, were their today. It is nice. It seems mom enjoyed this, immensely.

I brought mom a Christmas card.

I gave mom her nightly spa treatment and she completely relaxed. I had to leave early, so I could get home and cook mom her Christmas dinner. I have been purchasing a little at a time, over the last month for her dinner.

Well I am now done with cooking and it is time to go to bed and watch a movie.

It is empty in this house, and I am alone again.

But the most important part of this is I get to spend Christmas with my mother. I have nothing to cook for myself this evening. I forgot to get something for myself over the last few weeks. Oh well. I want to loose 20 more pounds. I am 220 now and want to be 200

I just don't look forward to waking up to nothing. I usually don't have a problem with this. But this year it seems I am having a serious issue, surrounding Christmas.

I wish everyone has a great day today.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

It is now Christmas Eve

Hello again

Well I just want to say that everything I write is my opinion, feelings and thoughts. It is real and raw

I do what I do for my mother for no financial rewards what so ever. What I get is pure joy and love. When mom hears my voice and her hand goes out, immediately. And that amazing smile. Or when she just touches the side of my face and smiles. This makes me cry. It is the best feeling in the world. Or when she tells me she loves me, while I hold her hand, when she is falling asleep. Or just that she wants to hold my hand each and every moment that I am their with her. The trust she has, to let me change her for bed. To be able to speak with her,everyday. And to understand her. They say we have our own language. This maybe true.

The fact that I am the only one who has feed her dinner in the last 5 years.

This is a blessed opportunity that I have!

Yes I travel 3 hours each, that is OK. It is well worth every Km I travel. It would be nice to be living in White Rock.

I never complain about any of this. It is what is needed to be done. And I love every bit of it.

OK I do go without. But I need to make sure mom has home cooked meals at least once a day. To make sure she gets fresh fruit and drinks everyday.

I will be making mom a nice Christmas dinner.

Other than being with mom these 4 hours each day. I will be coming back to Coquitlam to an empty house. Alone and knowing I won't be having a Christmas dinner or even a lump of coal.

Some say I whine to much. But it is only here that I do this. Otherwise no one knows that I go without, and don't eat.

I tell no one.

I am blessed to have the time with my mom

So since I will have nothing to do Christmas eve and day. I might write

OK it is after midnight, so it is Christmas eve. but not until I wake up.

GOD bless and good night

Merry Christmas

Kris Schmuland

Sacrifice

Hello again

Sacrifice, what does it mean to you. Or what is the meaning of the word.

Well Dictionary.com has this definition for the word. To surrender or give up or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else

And I do this for the greater good of my mother.

I go without all the time, I need new jeans, as my bag rubs on the side of them and wears a hole in them. I have had to throw out so many pairs. This one, I am sewing,until I can't sew it anymore.

I do all this without hesitation. Mom is first and I am last. I live by this. It is more important for mom to have healthy meals. I think of what I am going to make for her dinners, before even caring what I eat or not. It is more important for mom to be dressed well.

What I ask is a Christmas once in a decade.

I will do everything I can to make sure mom has a decent life. Full of happiness and joy.

Right now, because of the circumstances, I am unable to give mom the Christmas she deserves. Even though I tried, and saved, what little I have.

But mom needed these leg rests. She is much happier now.

3 nights left until Christmas and we will see

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

A simple wish

Hello again

It seems no one likes what I am writing. Oh well. The truth hurts. And this is what I feel and think.

So my wish for this year.

I would like to have an actual Christmas this year. With all the trimmings, dinner, presents for mom and myself. The appies etc......

It would be nice for a change I usually don't even care if I have a Christmas dinner or not. As long as I am with mom on Christmas day, is all that I cared about over the past decade.

But this year I would, for a change, like the full deal. I have missed this.

This is why I am cynical about people. I asked a simple thing. To send cards to mom. I know it is not Christmas yet. But!

I know the difference between wants and what I actually need. And I do need somethings. A winter coat. A new printer. ( I want to print photo's of mom.) Not with the printer I have. I am out of colour ink and the black is almost gone. And it is to expensive to replace the ink.

Mom deserves the full deal as well. Allot of presents under her tree. The candy, chocolates, the appies etc.... She will get a dinner. As I purchased a Cornish Hen a few weeks away. And I have the stuffing. I just need the Brussel Sprouts and gravy. The rest the home will have.

Yes I ask for help, but never get it. I do everything for my mother by myself, with no help from anyone at all. No family member even lifts a hand to do anything for mom.

I am single, no wife, no kids, no girlfriend and no friends to speak of. I am a nice person. I do no harm to anyone. I am good to my mother and to all the other residents at mom's place. People will tell me everything about their lives. Personal information. And it never leaves me. I know allot about allot of people. Private and that is the way it stays.

I fight for everything for mom. I do what is needed for her. I travel 3 hours each way, and everyday to see her. I have not missed a single day visiting her in many years now. Mom counts on me to be their and that is exactly what I do.

To ask for some help, what is wrong with that. I don't get it anyway. I now bring mom's laundry home with me and do it here. So nothing gets ruined.

I try to do the right thing everyday. I am kind to strangers.

So me asking for something is not a wrong thing to do. It is the right thing to do. I have nothing, and no one seems to give a crap. I am lonely, scared at times. Not having a clue what is going to happen next.

Going to see and look after mom, keeps me going in life. Otherwise, who knows.

Stranger try to be my friend. But I am so down on myself, that I just won't try. Yes their are others who are worse off then me. They get gifts for Christmas. Allot of them have somewhere to go for dinner.

A simple wish is for mom and I to have a great Christmas this year.

My father passed away 5 years ago this Christmas. This is hard on mom, especially, Her husband of 60 years. And it is also hard on me, as well. All mom has is me, and I am sure she gets sick of me sometimes. But no matter what I am their to hold her hand each and every night, while she falls asleep.

Yes I want allot of things, who doesn't. I could use a few things, to make my life easier and better.

Like a large monitor and speakers, to attach to my laptop. My eye's are getting worse and my hearing is getting worse as well.

Mom needs some winter clothing, another comforter and duvet cover. Many Christmas cards wold also be nice. I spoil her and it is the way it should be.

That is my Christmas bitch.

Now tonight I could only afford to bring mom a couple of McDonald's burgers. Mom ate and enjoyed both of them, plus she ate her other dinner. Mom has a good appetite. And that is great.

I got their just at 5 Pm when it was dinner. I had to get my flu shot and then wait 15 minutes afterwards in case something went wrong. Which made me late in my books.

Today, mom's roommate had her family get together. That was nice. But this made her really tired. Which is good. When it was time for me to leave, mom's roommate was fast asleep. So I turned out the lights and her TV. Except I left the Christmas tree lite. And mom's music playing. Not loud. Just so mom could hear it.

The nurse gave mom her medicine early, so this helped mom to fall off to sleep easier and quicker. I stayed longer and held mom's hand, until I knew she was asleep. I sang our good night song before I turned everything off. So as not to disturb her while she was falling asleep.

Hopefully mom gets a good night sleep this night. It is her bath day tomorrow and she will be in bed when I arrive to see her.

Mom is great and I am glad I have this opportunity to take care of her.

So pray, don't pray. Help, don't help. Whatever. It is only Christmas time. The season of giving.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

5 days until the day

Hello again

So mom was in a good mood today.

The care aid who includes mom in the ladies conversations is no longer going to be their. She was just filling in for someone. To bad.

It is Friday and fish for mom, plus the leftover salad from yesterday.

Mom loves red papaya and I had a problem with the store selling yellow papaya as red. I complained and they apologized to me, gave me a fruit basket and told me that they would make sure this doesn't happen again. They would speak with their suppliers. Well it happened again. I bought two RED papaya's ( thinking they were) and they were yellow. Mom doesn't like them and won't eat them. They are not cheap.

I feel used and I feel all they did was give me lip service. Telling me they would do something about it and then.... It was less than a month ago. Red papaya is a premium product and I am being given a inferior products at the premium price.

I will be bringing back the one I saved from tonight and then I will write on their Facebook page and write the head office of the corporation that owns this chain. Loblaws, out of Ontario.

Mom at everything, and off to bed she went. The usual spa treatment. This is when mom just wants to hold my hand while she falls asleep. When she gets really tired, this is all she wants and reaches for my hand. She gets impatient if I am to slow.

She seems very happy. And is healthy. Better blood pressure than I have. And mine is very good. For someone who is stressed out as I am.

Like I wrote it is almost Christmas day and I have nothing for mom. I can't even afford a f.....ing card. I am pissed off at Shopper Drug Mart  Sales rep, telling me I will be getting points, for the leg rests, which again worth over $100.00 and then telling me I won't be getting them. And the rep telling me again that I would.

They should of been applied to my account already. I could use the points to get mom presents. 10 - 15 days after they were installed. And it is past this now.

Well I will try to do what I can. I guess as long as I am there for her and with her Christmas day is all that matters.

I enjoy every moment I spend with mom. Mom is what keeps me going each and everyday. Looking after her is the best thing I have every done. OK looking after day was great as well. If it were not for mom, who knows what I would be or not.

I met someone I know today and we spoke. Well he is more cynical than I am. My doctor tells me the other day. just think there is someone worse off than you are. And he is. Look, he does the same thing as I do. Look after his mother everyday. His mother is worse condition than mom. But he is their everyday as well And he has sisters that are the same as mine. Greedy and don't visit much at all.

I was listening to myself, while speaking with him today. But I have more to live for, it seems. He is more depressed than I am. I do have conversations with people when I can. I do put on a smile, when I visit with mom. I do not show that I am depressed to mom. She has enough problems to deal with. I am humble and helpful as much as I can.

Mom may have an idea of what is going on with me, but I make sure I always put a smile on my face when I walk in that door and is always on my face. This also helps me out too. I get to forget about my problems for 4 hours each day. And I thank mom for this. She makes my days better.

I have to get my flu shot tomorrow. It is needed, as I am around Seniors all the time and I don't want to get them sick. Even though, I don't get sick, I am still a carrier. So it is needed, even though I don't like to get them. Nothing to do with needles. I have had so many needles through out my life it is not funny. It is I don't like to have bacteria/a virus, injected into my body. But it needs to be done.

I have to go now. It is late again.

GOD bless and good night

Pleas pray that I will be able to get mom something for under her tree.

Kris Schmuland

Getting closer

Hello again

Today I had to pay for my phone. I have to have a phone for contact with the home mom is in. I put the funds aside. But I needed to change my plan and cancel the data. I couldn't afford the extra $20.00 A shame is I do say so myself

My smart phone is no longer a smart phone. Just a phone now.

I saw my doctor today concerning my depression. Back on anti depressants I go. He is going to work with me to try to get me back to normal. Yes I don't feel normal. I am in a huge rut.

But no one gives a crap anyways.

It is almost Christmas and I have nothing. Nothing for mom. It really pisses me off. I have done what was needed for mom. Getting her the leg rests she needs. To keep her legs from just hanging in the air. And I can't even get a little help from anyone to do something nice for my ailing mother. A person who has done so much for others and is not getting the respect she deserves.

I make nothing and have nothing, but I managed to put something aside, which I tried to save for Christmas, but the funds were needed else where and was used to better my mothers life. At least I did that.

I am use to not having a Christmas dinner or gifts. But mom deserves better. I am going to start to save again for next year. But I am worried about this year. OK there are 5 days left and who knows what could happen.

Mom was very tired today. And I got to her place late. As I was at the doctors office and we all know that you get their and wait. Which I did. What little money I have left is for mom's fruit and dinners. It can't be spent on presents. If I did that, there would be no fruit for the week. So no.

She ate well, for being tired.  Even though she was tired I managed to get her hair washed. And she loved this. And you know the rest. Get her changed, into bed and the spa treatment. Tonight the nurse gave mom her nightly medicine early, so it was just a matter of holding her hand while she fell asleep. And this she did. This is why I want to be living in White Rock. To stay latter and not have to worry about a 3 hour trip home.

Midnight again, so I am very tired and need to just relax. Peanut butter sandwich's for me, for dinner.

GOD bless and good night

Merry Christmas to all

Not long

Hello again

So it is only 6 days left until Christmas. And I have no funds for presents for mom. I used my saving to get mom her leg rests. And I thought I might be able to get a refund quickly if I submitted it online. No, it takes the same amount of time. So it will be a few months until I see anything.

This sucks big time. Of course mom needed the leg rests so I needed to do what was necessary to make mom comfortable. But I have nothing for mom for Christmas. OK nothing for me as well. But it is more important for me to get mom something. I always go without at Christmas and I am use to it. So not important. Only mom is important.

And I am not feeling good right now, about anything. This is really bothering me. I need to get Christmas presents for mom. Maybe go and steal them. That is an option. No it is not. But I am desperate. I saved all year for this. I wish the staff would of mentioned this earlier in the fall, so at least I would have a refund by now.

And the points I am suppose to get for the leg rests, are not on my card yet. And that is $105.00 worth of free merchandise.

So I am screwed. This is why I am so depressed this year. More so than other years. I tried to do the right thing. I took funds that I needed to survive, eat, clothing etc...., and put it aside so I can give mom a great Christmas.

Things happen, and mom needed the leg rests. But I need to get mom something.

Anyways. I am frustrated that the staff don't think mom is cognitive enough to know what is going on. It is strokes that took her speech away and use of her left arm and hand. Not dementia.

There is this one care aid, who puts mom with the ladies so at least mom can be part of the conversation. Even it she can't reply to them . But I am sure mom does her best to try to say something. I like this about this care aid. But her last day is on Friday. She has just been replacing someone while they were on vacation. I will miss her.

So mom was in a great mood today, and ate very well. It was the day I was to wash her hair, but I needed to be downtown again today and I arrived to late to wash her hair before dinner and well, after dinner mom was full and tired. So off to bed she went. Since I am no longer able to put her to bed, I get her changed in her chair and brush her teeth. And after the care aid puts her to bed I complete her spa treatment. And tonight she wanted the full treatment. Well this completely relaxed her.

Afterwards I just held her hand and mom fell deeply asleep. She was snoring when I sang her good night song to her. But she did acknowledge me when I was leaving and told me she loved me.

I am stressed and depressed. So I am going to end this blog for the night.

Please pray that I am able to do something for mom. There is a few days left

GOD bless and good night.

Kris Schmuland

Depressed

Hello again

It is not about me. Mom is feeling depressed. I haven't changed. So it is not about me.

It is Christmas time and mom is upset that she can't give her daughters something for Christmas. I suggested to the PGT just something for Christmas stockings. I would, but I have nothing.

So tonight I think I hurt mom's feelings. I mentioned to her that every time she holds my hand she starts to falls asleep. She pushed my hand away and was very quit the rest of the night, and just looked at me, the rest of the night with a, well, not pleased look.

It was Sushi night, and mom ate everything plus some of what was served.

But mom was very tired. I just got her ready for bed. And gave her a quick spa treatment. She didn't even want her feet done, but I did them anyways. She didn't even want to listen to Christmas music. No, not at all. I tried. Just her normal jazz.

This time of the year is emotional for me. Seeing mom like this, not having family around. As mom would throw the Christmas dinners for the family. And they are just ignoring her. Such a shame. It makes it hard for mom. And for me watching mom go through this. Such a shame.

It is for mom that I am trying to do everything. To at least make each and every Christmas as special as I can, so she knows she is loved.

Please help make this happen. If not for me, but for my mother.

I have allot of things still to do before I go to bed. So I have to say good night.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

7 days left

Hello again and Merry Christmas

Well last night mom was very tired and she kick me out. No, well actually wanted to just go to sleep and I was to hot for her, to the touch. The roommate was asleep, so she just wanted to take advantage of this rare opportunity.

But it was her bath night and she was in bed when I arrived and very hot. I had to take the blankets off her, to cool her down. I left the sheet on, of course.

Though she was tired, mom ate the dinner I brought her, plus part of the dinner that was served to her. Even though it was her bath day, mom still wants me to give her the daily spa treatment. Which I do gladly for her. It makes her more relaxed and puts a huge smile on her face, while she rests. To cool, and makes me feel great, just watching her smile and enjoy the pampering. Every women loves to be pampered. And even though mom has had strokes and has dementia, doesn't mean she doesn't love to be pampered.

So I left early yesterday. But still did not get home until the normal time of 11 pm. Sunday bus service.

Today I arrived early to just visit with her before I am none stop.... I scrounged a bit of funds to buy her dinner. The beef rap she loves and she ate all of it. Plus her fruit and this brownie I bought for her. And it was time for bed.

Of course I do everything to get her ready for bed. This they know, it is what mom likes and I do this for her.

Mom was very talkative this day, and when she is like this it is hard for me to understand everything she is trying to say. But I do my best and get most of it.

So I will be letting you all go now

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Twinkle Santa is

Hello again

So if I were to receive anything for Christmas I would want a 27" monitor and an e reader Hook HD or Kindle fire. Actually a Wool pea coat.

Now I would really like everyone who reads this to send mom a Christmas card. It would be nice to read the cards to mom, from around the world. Also I would like to get her some nice clothing and a comforter.

These are the things I would want for Christmas. Mom is who I wish to get something for. And, again, once every many years it would be nice to have a Christmas myself.

OK being with mom on Christmas day is what I look forward to each and every year. But to wake up, where I stay, and have something useful, would be great as well.

Thank you to all of you, from all over the world who read this blog.

Nothing exciting happened to me today, as usual. No conversations with anyone, at all, today. Just spoke with mom, as well as we could speak.

I do understand most of what she is trying to get across. And the rest I do what I can to understand her. I make every attempt to understand all of what she mom is trying to tell me in our conversations. I do my best.

It is nice to speak with her. She laughs, is sarcastic. I think mom is happy. I know she is doing OK. Can't do much better being stuck in a home and not being able to go anywhere. And she has this looser son who can't take her anywhere. ME!

I brought mom a salad and chicken Parmesan.I made it for her.

Again today, as I got closer to Coquitlam, the more depressed I have become. Angry, upset and depressed. I can't believe I am still stuck in the crap hole. It is dirty and neither of the two roommates clean anything. I only clean to survive. Toilet, tub and kitchen............... But I am not a maid. I did mention to the landlord  that if he paid me I would clean.

Then there is the company who I purchased the leg rests, for mom, from. It is one of the stores Shoppers Home Health Care, part of the Shoppers Drug Mart chain. Now owned by Loblaws. With your store card you get points to redeem merchandise. Ex: 8000 points gets one $10.00 off/or free merchandise. So I chose them to get the leg rests, with the promise of points. 65000 point to be exact. Which is $105.00 worth of merchandise. This is what I was told by the sales rep.

I wrote Shoppers to see why I pay for something and have to wait weeks to get the points. Well they wrote me back. Finally, after writing them 4 times. To tell me that the leg rests don't qualify for points. Replacement parts. Now I was counting on those points to get mom something for Christmas from Shoppers. Instead they tell me that they will have credited my account with 4000 points, which is worth nothing. Far cry from the $105.00 I was to get.

This is a company I have shopped with for years and years now. I could of gotten mom's leg rest a few dollars cheaper, with the other company. A few dollars but it would of been a longer wait. Actually it turned out that it would of been a shorter wait. Shoppers told me two weeks and it turned out to be a month. And the other company told me three weeks. So for $30.00 more I chose Shoppers. Thinking I would also get the points. Making it worth it. But NO!

I just took a short break to write Shoppers a very strongly worded letter.

Now tonight mom was exceedingly happy to see me. And I her. I love it when she see's me and the smile is so bright and big. Makes me tear up. I have no problem letting mom or anyone else see me cry. It is tears of joy, not sadness.

OK mom has problems. Is dependent on everyone for everything. And if you look at it this way, it is like looking after an infant.  But mom is not an infant, she is 84 years old and should be treated as such. I should know I am their and know what mom is going through, better than all the staff at the home. I see that mom has her mind and aware.

It is time to go. I just want to go to bed and watch what I downloaded last night. I am still not hungry. It is this depression that comes over me, the closer I get to Coquitlam.

GOD bless and good night

Merry Christmas to all and all a good night

Kris Schmuland

A quick one

Hello again

I really am having a problem. The closer I get to Coquitlam the more depressed I feel. It is a big black cloud. Which decreases my appetite to nil. So I go to bed this evening without eating again. This time I have no desire to do so.

Now mom is doing great tonight. Very happy, with a big smile, when she saw me.

I made her a nice dinner, fish with this wonderful salad. This she really enjoyed.

Got her into bed early again. Which is a good thing. As she loves to hold my hand, and when she does so, it seems it puts her to sleep. So by the time dinner is almost done, she is basically sleep eating. But mom lets me know when she is done and what she wants.

We finished the smoothie, so I am glad I have everything I need to make another one for her. It will last until I get some more money.

I put the Christmas music on tonight. I have been alternating between her jazz and the Christmas music. We sang together. The lights on. Makes it an enjoyable evening.

I just want to stay longer, until she falls asleep completely. It is not often that this happens. This is the reason I need to be living in White Rock.

Whatever it takes I will be their in the first of the new year.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Merry Christmas Even though I don't feel very happy about it. Nothing for mom.

To be and why

Hello again

Yes I complain and state my case of being without and not having a Christmas in at least a decade. But as long as mom and I have each other that is the best Christmas one can have.

Yet it would be nice to have a present or two, instead of nothing.

The one thing I make sure of, is that mom has a great Christmas. Her room decorated and me their for her.

Today she is good. I washed her hair and styled it nicely. I brought her a nice dinner and she ate all of it. past her being full.

And then it was bed time. Which of course was what I did for her.

I was able to hang her clean laundry up. Which I did last night for her. Give mom her spa treatment and be done early this evening. And the nurse gave mom her nightly medication early. Wow.

I stayed until my normal time. By this time mom was fast asleep. Snoring, Holding my hand tightly.

With a smile on her face. It is nice to see mom fall asleep happy and healthy and full.

12 days to go until Christmas and this is the time I am starting to freak out. I have nothing to give her. I asked that y'all send her a card. Nothing yet.

Yes I would like something under my none existent tree. But I am more concerned about mom getting spoiled. She deserves everything.

This is a women who would do anything for anyone. All one had to do is ask and if it was in her power to do something, it was done. She took care of everyone.

But no one is helping take care of her. Except me. And I am OK with this. I will never stop what I am doing.

Time to go, I am tired and today is another one of those days where my fridge is empty. Except for dinner for mom for tomorrow.

It is OK though, I am not really hungry

I am a very good person and no one can see this. Or they tell me that I will be blessed. What about right now.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

Christmas dinner

Hello again

It was the Christmas dinner this evening and mom looked great. The outfit I bought for her looked good on her.

There were allot of people, all looking nice. ( Most of them I never see except for the dinner) But that is not a nice thing to say. When have I cared if I was nice.

But I am a very nice person. I just am very depressed

I feel guilty that I didn't dress up. Everything I own is way to large on me. I just wanted to look good for mom. I will make sure I am dressed up on Christmas day for mom. And I feel guilty about feeling guilty. Which is causing me to be depressed.

It was a pot luck dinner, plus Turkey and all the fixings. They served mom her usual minced meal, and I said no, mom will eat real food this evening.

So I went a loaded up a plate for her. And over time, mom finished the whole plate. OK minus the potatoes. Which she has everyday.

And no I did not get to eat. I am to busy feeding mom. I am busy. I don't rush mom. I am patient and gentle with her. If I had someone else feed mom, they would force her to eat quickly. This is not the way to enjoy your Christmas dinner. So I go without so mom eats properly. She held my hand the entire time. Which is usual. While she looked around. And finished the plate, plus dessert

I had a couple of nibbles here and there. But as last year I didn't have dinner. I have pasta left over from last night and will eat that when I finish writing this evening.

It was a nice evening.

After dinner I brought mom back to her room, expecting her to want some of her smoothie or her papaya or even her Lindor chocolate. Nothing! Mom was full.

I finished her spa treatment and held her hand for awhile, until it was time to leave. But not enough time. I apologized to mom for having to leave so soon. I like to spend at least an hour with mom, after I finish her spa treatment, each night. To let her fall asleep

Anyways I need to go, very tired and really need to eat something. Even though I am not hungry.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

The shit never changes

hello again

I want to start by telling you of the OT that works at Al Hogg 3. Mom's leg rests have been put on her chair. The OT decides that the foot rests( which did not come with the new leg rests, they are an extra cost) that were with mom's chair, weren't good enough for mom, so she removed them and installed these old scratched up foot rests. Taking the one's that were part of mom's chair and using them on someone else's chair. As with the old leg rests. Remember without even asking.

This women just assumed that I would allow this to happen. She took about $500.00 worth of merchandise without even asking me, and let someone else use them. These leg rest costs allot of money. More than what I mentioned above. What I mentioned would be for used leg rests. Almost double that for the new one's and they didn't even come with foot rests. That is another purchase that I will be making. If it helps mom I will find the money.

I have to wait for the invoice so I can submit it to mom's extended health plan for a refund. Which will be only 80% of the cost. So I am broke until I get these funds back. I can only save so much. And it took me most of the year to save this. Going without allot of things just to put a few dollars aside.

I briefly spoke with her today and she was just brushing me off. But did say we want to borrow the leg rests. Which translates " I have already put them on someone else's chair" And then told me that we will touch base tomorrow. And Tuesday is their Christmas dinner, and she doesn't expect any kind of confrontation. I won't do this. But I have made a decision and it will not be changed.

She took what was not hers to take. And I want the products back. I don't give a shit if she installed them on someone's else's chair. NOT MY PROBLEM !

So after this I spoke with the sales rep from where I purchased these leg rests, and he is going to see if there is a pair of angle adjustable foot rests in the warehouse, and swap them out with the one's mom has. If there isn't, then I will purchase the new one's. Only after I receive a refund from the leg rests, from mom's extended health care coverage, can I make this purchase. It will take a few months for this to happen.

The money I used for the leg rests, I was saving to help me move and give mom a great Christmas. Mom needed these leg rests and that was that. Mom's legs are more relaxed now, which means mom is more relaxed and calmer.

So I now can't afford to give mom the Christmas she deserves. This is why I ask for help. Mom is first, I am last. Whatever it is mom needs, I will make it happen. Some how.

What really pisses me off is that mom has been their for over two years and they did nothing to make sure mom was comfortable. As her legs continued to get stiffer, they did not bother to contact me and discuss this matter with me. It was I who took it upon myself to make sure mom is comfortable.

I did the research into these leg rests, and contacted many companies. I arranged for everything to happen. Not this OT. And now she thinks it was her achievement. And I am the one who is continuing to pursue this matter to make sure mom is as comfortable as she can be.

I know she is going to hang over my head the prescription, which she tells me will help the refund move along more smoothly.

I will file a complaint against her if there is any problems tomorrow/today.

When I make a decision It is final. And I won't be manipulated into changing my mind. By anyone. Especially these people. After all it was them, who allow my sister's to steal mom's clothing and cosmetics. And I have printed out a dozen signs stating that the girls cannot remove any of mom's possession without my permission. We will not have a replay of last year.Besides, I spoke with the police last year, but they couldn't do anything about it. As I contacted them to late. But if it happens again they instructed me to call them right away. And it will not be just my sister's who will be having the problem, it will also be the staff member who helps them. As they are well aware of this now. I have been putting this sign up for a while now. And someone keeps taking it down. I put it up, they take it down. It has become a game.

I am not going to dress them anymore

OK I am done for now with my complaining .

Mom tonight was happy to see me. I arrived early so I could finish putting hanging the snowflakes up in mom's room. I hung fishing line from the ceiling and place and attached acrylic snowflakes to the line, in staggered order down the line. I put this up surrounding her tree.

I made mom a 4 cheese and mushroom omelet with toast, avocado and tomatoes. Mom loved this and ate most of it. It wasn't until we were finished that they brought mom the dinner they served. And we were on to dessert.

I got her ready for bed and then we had to wait for a care aid to put her into bed and change her. We fell asleep. Well I got a chair and held mom's hand while we waited. And we fell asleep. I didn't sleep much last night. I got home late because the a train broke down and two people decided to get off the train while it was not in a station. So the whole system had to be shut down while they found these two.

So after mom was changed we listened to Christmas music while I gave mom her nightly spa treatment. I laid the clothing out, that I want mom to wear for the Christmas party. I sat with mom for an hour and then I had to leave, so I could get home to make the salad for the party.

This is mom's Christmas dinner. Staff are asking me if I am going to eat. I can't, I have to feed mom and by the time I do this, the party will be over and everything will be gone. Oh well, it was the same thing last year. And it is this way every year.

As I have said many times. I have not had a Christmas dinner for about 10 years or so. As long as I am hanging out with mom on the holidays I am OK with this.

It is late and I have to go to bed. Very tired and hungry. I will have something to eat before going to bed. And watch something. I have many Christmas movies, so I may watch one of them. As I did last night.

Pray for us, send a card to mom. The address is two blogs ago. maybe three. But it is there.

GOD bless and goodnight

Kris Schmuland

It is unusually

Hello again

I found out today that it was actually -20 c with the wind chill, yesterday. Not the -15 c I thought it was..So no wonder the poinsettia froze to death. All who saw the plant, in it's frozen form, where wondering if it bounced back. And on top of this I was frozen as well. It took me hours, once I got home to warm up.

And today was no better. Just cold!

Well I said to them today, when I arrived, that I will have to go and see. It turns out that the day staff, through it out. I complained about this,as I was going to take it back and see what I could do. Not now.

You know I am not a rich man and I scraped together the cash to buy this plant for mom. My thought was that if I can't give her nice presents for Christmas I would at least get mom a Christmas poinsettia. And that turned out well, don't you think. 

The other thing is, that the story is starting to be spread around now. All who saw the plant have now been telling other's about the frozen plant. So the story is getting out their. About the day that caused a poinsettia to die  within ten minutes. 

So the weekend and mom was tired, so she barely ate anything for dinner. She just wanted dessert and off to bed for her nightly spa treatment. I did get her to eat. Not as much as I would of liked her to eat. 

The lights are on in her room. Christmas lights I mean. The music was playing,, Mom was happy. 

That is all that matters. I don't care how cold I am. OK I do, but I am not going to stop going to see her. No matter how cold it gets outside.

Well anyways, I have to figure out how I am going to get mom another poinsettia. I don't have anymore money. That was it. This why I have decorated her room so much, as I can't give mom what she deserves for Christmas. 

I need to end this for the night, I have allot to do yet before I get to bed. Laundry, cooking mom something for tomorrow. Enter more contests. Maybe I might win something, that would be good for mom for Christmas.

As I wrote last night, Send mom a card, go to the store, buy a card, write something nice, and mail it. Mom would love it. 

The address is on yesterday's blog.

Pray for mom and for me, that I would be able to give mom something for Christmas.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

The weather outside is frightful

Hello again

It has not been this cold in Vancouver for 30 years. This is what the news was saying this morning. And they are calling for temperatures to reach - 20 or greater with the wind chill, this weekend.
Vancouver is a coastal city, surrounded by water. And it is cold to the bone here in this city. So this temperature, is bad for all of us.

I will tell you how cold it is. This is what happened to me today. I will start by saying that from where I get off the bus to mom's home is a 10 minute walk.

And a grocery store is right where I get off the bus. So today, I went into said grocery store and bought a beautiful Poinsettia. I left the store and walked straight to mom's. By the time I got their the plant had frozen to death. It was so windy and cold. Minus 15 with the wind chill.

I have never watched anything die like this before. Never, ever. I got to mom's and one of the staff was coming out, I told her I just bought this and walked straight down here, and the plant is dead. No one could believe it, either.

My hands and body was so cold it took until, well almost the time I had to leave for my hands to warm up.

So I told mom the story and she laughed.

By the time I got home tonight I was freezing cold. I have nothing to keep me warm in this extreme weather we are having and it is not letting up anytime soon. I had layers on, not good enough. I still can't find the other gloves to the one's I have. And I can't afford to even buy a cheap pair. I am cold, very cold.

Well I was their early enough so I washed mom's hair. She feels so much better when I do this for her. Of course, first of all, I needed to wipe her eye's and wipe the medication off, from around her mouth. This I have to do daily. And then give mom something to drink. She is so parched by the time I arrive.

I made fish for mom today. It is Friday, mom is Catholic. And a salad for her.

Mom has good days and bad days. That is what it is like with someone who has had strokes and has Dementia. I see it all, I have watched it all unfold in front of me. It is very sad, but my being their makes mom's days allot better and happier. And this I would never trade for anything. I will never ever stop going to see my mother. No matter what. She deserves my full attention. After all, mom is the only person I love  and is the only person I will touch. Remember I really don't like to be touched at all. And I say to people who want to hug me, No hugs, I don't hug people.

Now I tried this at mom's Birthday and nothing. I asked that people send mom Birthday cards. I provided the address and not a single card.

I am going to try this again, and ask that you spread the word. I can't afford anything nice for my mother this Christmas. And it would be so nice to sit down with her and go through Christmas cards from people all over the world.

So I ask that who ever reads this send a Christmas card to my mother. And tell all the people you know on social media to do the same. I ask with GOD's grace that one does this for my mom.

Her address is

Her name is Mary Schmuland

The address is

Rm 342
Al Hogg  Pavilion
Third floor
15521 Russell Ave,
White Rock, BC
V4B 2R4

It would mean a great deal to my mother if you would do this for her. It would also mean allot to me as well. Thank you.

So I am hoping my room is warm now. When I go home it was cold as well. Even my laptop was cold.

I know I say this all the time. But it means so much to me, that mom always wants to hold my hand. It not only fills mom with warmth and security, but it gives me great peace.

I need to go now, it is late and I am tired and cold. I still need to do things online

Please, write to my mother, send her a Christmas card. Pray for us both. Pray that I find a warm jacket soon.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher  W. A. Schmuland

Dear Santa

Hello again

Dam it is cold outside, here on the coast. I realized I don't have any winter clothing, while wearing a T shirt under a cotton sweater. Not warm enough at all. I don't have a pair of gloves. I have many left hands of gloves but missing the right hand. No idea where they went.

And the coat I have is a spring/fall coat. Not warm enough at all

Besides wanting Santa to help me move to White Rock. I really would like a wool pea coat and some winter clothing.

You see, it is not normally cold like this in Vancouver. It is usually raining and that mean the temperature is in the low teens 10 - 13 c But it is -10 c and then a wind chill. We usually get our cold weather in February for two weeks only. It has been cold for a month now. And tonight, when I got off the bus and had to walk home, my fingers where freezing cold. Still not warm yet.

So yes Santa, a winter coat and winter clothing. Even my legs are cold and still not warm. And it has been an hour since I walked in the door.

Thats for me.

And for mom. A point Setta, another warm comforter. ( The one she has now is not mean't for this weather, even though they have the heat on. ) A down comforter and Duvet cover and pillow cases. Some nice chocolate and maybe a few articles of clothing.

That is my list. And I feel really guilty for even writing it.

There it is. Whatever

Well today mom got her leg rests, she is happy and more comfortable with them on. More relaxed, less strain on her legs.

I ended up getting their with not enough time to wash her hair. I will make a point of doing this tomorrow/today. As she needs it done.

I got in and mom was all smiles for me. I loved it. Almost cried. OK I did tear up. Just to see her happy. I made her a nice pasta dinner, which she enjoyed.

Oh yea, the staff had turned mom's Christmas tree lights on and were all admiring it. I put her Christmas music on for her, as she wanted. And just the look on her face, the smile and the relaxed attitude made me almost tear up again.

OK it is or was an emotional day for me. I look around and realize I can't afford anything I want to get mom. Really pisses me off that there is no help for someone who has devoted their life to taking care of a loved one. Who has lost their voice  because of a stroke. Has lost the use of their entire left arm. Can't bend their knees or ankles. Is wheelchair bound and completely and absolutely dependent on everyone for everything. And on top of this everyone around her doesn't even try to make an effort to communicate with her. Thinking my mother is further along in her illness than she actually is. And treating her this way. Completely condescending towards her. People speaking to mom like she is a baby, and mom looking at me, with the thought, I am not a baby and one does not have to repeat themselves to me or speak to me as if I was 1 years old.

Anyways, mom ate well and I got her into bed for her nightly spa treatment. I really want to live in White Rock so I can stay longer. It is such a warm and wonderful feeling watching mom fall asleep. Mom holds on to my hand and doesn't want me to leave.

I know I have decorated mom's room and set up a nice tree, but I want to do more. To make her room a Christmas wonderland. Decorations everywhere.

And the last Santa letter I read was real, and wishful thinking. As it seems this one will probably be.

So we will see how the next few weeks unfold.

Pray that it is a wonderful time of the year for mom. And if you can find it in your heart pray for me as well

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

Getting closer

Hello again

So it is getting closer, Christmas I mean, and mom's room is decorated. I am now worried about getting her Christmas presents. I know I won't have anything under the tree. Because I have no tree.

Next week in mom's Christmas dinner at the home. Really, the 19 th of December. I will be making mom something nice for the actual Christmas dinner. As mentioned a Cornish Hen. With the fixings.

I got to White Rock and picked up a few things for mom's dinner tomorrow, then I started to walk towards the shop where I was going to get mom a beef rap. I saw the bus and ran for it. It wasn't until I was at the home that I realized that I forgot mom's dinner, so I stayed on the bus and went back uptown. I was able to back in time for her dinner.

I wanted to wash her hair, but didn't have the time and when dinner was over, mom was to tired for me to wash her hair. So I will get their early tomorrow and do this for her.

Mom is alright. she is doing well. Her leg rests will be their tomorrow/today. Which will be great for her. Mom's legs will finally be supported.

If you want to get something done, you have to do it yourself.

Mom was getting the cherry tomatoes by herself this evening. I encourage her to do things for herself.

What can I say. I am freaked out about Christmas. It is freezing outside and I don't even have a warm enough jacket. Piss me off.

My hearing is worse off, I am in constant pain. Yet nothing.

I met someone, from another floor today, that just turned 100. and he has his wits about him. I have know him for awhile now.

I feel at times mom deserves more than I can and have been able to give her. I do my best and sometimes I feel it is not good enough.

I know mom loves me and what I do for her. And I love helping mom at every moment.

It can be difficult when one is in pain all the time. But I do my best

I need to go now.

I am very tired. As last night I was in a very bad mood, and I don't even know why. The day went well. Maybe I am even more tired of living here, than I realized. Especially I saw a place and it was only $75.00 out of my price range. Piss me off.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

Another start

Hello again

So I have mom's Christmas tree all set up and decorated. I put things up on the wall, and have a few more things to do. 

The tree is decorated with Blue lights, silver, white and blue ornaments. Plus a couple of other whimsical items. It looks very nice. Mom loves it. 

I filled a USB drive with 1 g of Christmas music. All of what mom likes. And have been playing it while decorating the tree. 

What is left is, I have these plastic, clear snowflakes. I am going to glue them to a fishing line to make it look as if it is snowing. Several strands of different lengths. Placed behind the Christmas tree, and a meter on either side. And with the blue lights of the tree, it should look nice. We will see. 

I had another idea, but can't find what I wanted. And I have not drawn in years, so this would of taken me to long to draw. OK I was looking for a door mural, of children looking out a window, and in the background, behind the children, was a decorated house. While it is snowing outside. And then have these snowflakes in front of this wall mural. Brilliant idea! Trust me I have looked in many different stores for this. To bad I didn't think of this months ago.

And yes, I can draw. I am a very good artist. OK, I use to be. It has been a very long time since I drew anything. I have not even wrote a poem in a long time. I use to write like crazy. To the point where I would stop and write on anything, if I had an idea. I have been drawing and writing, since I was a very little kid. And good at it. 

Left brain/Right brain. Creative and analytical. 

Now for mom. The last few days mom has her appetite back. Great, she has eaten everything I put in front of her. What I bring and what is being served. 

On Sunday it was bath day, so mom was in bed. I brought the tree over to the bed after dinner to decorate it in front of her. It is only a 5 foot tree. Mom was so happy, looking on and helping when she could. By handing me some decorations. And the same tonight when I finished it off. 

It didn't take to long and I stood there and held her hand for 45 minutes while she fell asleep. 

I wish I could be living in White Rock so it is not a 3 hours ride home. Well it is sometimes a little longer, as I am experiencing some depressive issue and anxiety. Which is causing me to have to get off the bus occasionally. As I get to anxious, if it is to crowded, or someone is sitting to close to me. Or someone's breath or body oder is to repulsive for me to handle. 

I get off the bus, so I don't freak out on the bus. Which is causing me to get home latter. See why it is important for me to be living in White Rock. Not just for this reason, but also, so I can stay even longer, visiting mom.

Otherwise mom is healthy, doing as well as she can be, having a stroke, not being able to speak or walk. Not being able to use her left arm. And stuck in a wheelchair. 

Oh, speaking of wheelchairs. Her leg rests are not here yet. Three weeks and counting. 

Well I need to go, Feeling very depressed and still have some other writing to do.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

To be someone

Hello again

Mom tonight was so tired that I could barely get her to eat anything. I did, however get her to eat a little. Nothing I brought, a bit of the dinner they supplied. Half a papaya and an avocado. But mom never declines the smoothie. This she drank. But again very little.

This freaks me out greatly, when mom is like this. I get very worried that something is wrong. But what is wrong is that she is not being moved, that the roommate is delusional and they are not protecting my mother from her.

They tell me that the roommate goes to sleep at 9 PM. It is not when she goes to sleep that concerns me, it is when she wakes up in the middle of the night with her delusions and is calling for the nurse and arguing with them at 3 in the morning.

But after I gave mom her spa treatment, I set the tree up. OK, I set the tree up last night, and I put the lights on the tree tonight. So when it was getting to the point for me to leave, mom was agitated. What I mean is that she just wanted to go to sleep and for me to leave. This is when I knew mom was OK. I think. We will see tomorrow.

Again, I will be calling the complaint department. Since they have not called me back yet. So what we say, is not important to them. And speaking with the manager again.

So the month of my dislike is upon us. I will not be re hashing anything, as you know why I feel this way.

Loneliness is not fun. Especially having nothing makes it even harder. I keep trying, but seem to just fall deeper into this depression. Just thinking about this last year, not getting anywhere. I am hopeless.

I can't even continue to write anymore tonight.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

I have chosen  a life of servitude, taking care of my mother. Without hesitation.

The weather is changing and so am I

Hello again

I brought mom's tree out to her today, It was so heavy, especially since I am already carrying two bags as it is.  I set the tree up. Now tomorrow/today I will put the lights up.

Mom helped me with the tree. She held one end while I pulled the branches down and then she turned the tree while I was puffing the tree up. Pulling all the branches down.

Mom was really tired today. The roommate had a serious hallucination episode last night. This keeps mom up, or wakes her up.

I really had to try to get her to eat, she did, with reservations. But ate anyways. Have to keep her strength up.

I really have to have another word with the manager about this. Something needs to be done, until they move the roommate. Or speak with her daughters about this. This has to be handled with a delicate touch.

I got her ready for bed and then her spa treatment. At least the LPN gives mom her nightly medication early. So mom can just fall off to sleep. And mom was completely asleep when I left this evening.

Trying to make something for dinner. I am still not really that hungry, since I threw my back out. And it still hurts. My hearing is really off. Well this way I don't have to listen to anyone.

I really dislike December. The Christmas season. Besides mom, I am all alone. OK, I am all alone, all the time, but it is the holiday season and it is worse at this time of the year. I come to the place where I sleep and nothing, no one.

Thank GOD I have mom. Otherwise, well you have read it already, so I won't repeat it.

Late again, and I really need some sleep. I have been waking up every few hours and then waking up at 8 AM after maybe 3 hours of sleep. Not good.

And I am even having a difficult time writing this tonight. Hands aren't working properly.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

HELLO!

Hello again

So I was in a great mood, feeling happy. Then I got off the bus close to my house and this great cloud of depression feel upon me. A shadow of darkness, one that makes you want to sit down, right where you are and just stay there. Knowing that I am coming to this place were I reside, to emptiness, despair and loneliness. Void of any human contact...... Walking in knowing there is a mess that is not of my making. Isolated in a room.

Seeing, on the way back, all of these people with presents under their arms, counting on the joy of the faces when they are opened. Knowing that I am not able to do this in anyway what soever. Not seeing faces of joy.

Mom is fine, she ate really well tonight. Plus it was a yellow papaya again. Mom ate it with hesitation.

The care aid was late getting mom to bed, which gives me less time to just hold her hand, making sure she falls asleep with comfort and warmth.

I apologized to her for not being able to stay longer.  It really does bother me greatly. I am at a loss.

Mom needs things and I just don't have it, to make this happen. And of course the PGT is at their same old bullshit. Not replying to my emails. They must be trained in the Scrooge method of dealing with people at this time of the year. To ignore them and keep up with the crap they like to hand out.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

Christmas is to early

Hello again

I may be depressed at this time of the year. Oh who am I kidding, I am depressed most of the time. Because of my situation, of having nothing and being so far away from where my mother lives, and not getting any help, doing everything by myself etc........

Well if anyone is to do it, it should be me, as I know what I am doing. Brilliant is one word to describe myself. Yes I may be depressed but I know how intelligent I am. Maybe part of the problem. Arrogant!

Not! I am a humble man who only wants to do what is right by his mother. And yes one can call themselves humble when it is true.

But all of this aside, I am not going to not let mom have a great Christmas. To have her room decorated nicely.

So over the weekend I dug out all of mom's Christmas decorations, and today I started to bring them out their. So each day I will bring something out there. By the end of the week, I should have everything ready to set up her tree and decorate her room. Well I have already put somethings up.

Mom knows. Again, I feel it is a series of strokes that mom had that has put her in this situation. I just finished downloading many Christmas albums from artists she likes. Not this canned Christmas music you hear everywhere. It is driving me extra nuts. I am sure it is doing the same to you.

Anyways, mom had her hair done today, it looked good, but they still have not got it, that mom dislikes hair on her face. I have asked them numerous times to please keep the hair off her forehead. I will ask again. It just bothers mom.

All I could bring mom today, was an omelet. And the papaya was yellow again. Which I paid for red. I spoke with the store today, and got a refund on the last two that were yellow. Now there is two more. Mom ate this tonight, even though she does not like the taste. The red papaya is much sweeter. I brought the shell home and put it in the freezer, so when I bring the other one home I can take them both in.

Mom may not speak, but she can communicate through gestures. And mom has many different gestures to mean many different things. I know them all and what each one means. No one else takes the time to read mom. To bad. And to bad for mom, she would be able to have conversations with people, instead of everyone ignoring her.

I am so glad I am their for mom, so she can have a conversation everyday. And I can too.

Mom ate the omelet I brought plus the roast beef they served her. She motioned to have her spa treatment done, so who am I to argue with mom. We finished off and got her ready for bed.

Afterwards I just held her hand. This time there was enough time for me to stay until she fell asleep. Then I quietly left. Of course after I sang our good night song to her.

It is late again, so I must go.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

I have chosen this life of servitude, taking care of my mother. But would like something. Help to get to White Rock

A new week, hopefully a new beginning

Hello again

When I arrived this day, I was surprised that mom was up and dressed. She looked good, all dressed in blue. Goes with her eye's. As it is Sunday and it is bath day. Which means mom is put in bed after her bath.

The staff were surprised as well, and said to me, must of been a casual. Not knowing mom is put in bed after her bath. But I like it. Mom spends to much time in bed as it is. They don't get her up until 11 AM and then she is back in bed by 6 PM.

No wonder mom is so tired. Not enough time being around others. Or she is just bored.. As I would be, not being able to do anything for yourself.

But during dinner, mom got made at me for doing everything for her. She just wants to try to do something for herself. I agree, and will let her do as much as she can from now on.

She was wearing the sweater I just bought her, which is cotton and light blue. Which shows up every little thing spilled on it. I am soaking it as I write this. Trying to get out the stains.

It is difficult when one does not have conversations for days at a time. Really you loose the ability to communicate. Especially since I am also in pain still from throwing out my back last week. It is lasting longer than I thought it would. So far days longer than the last time. And taking pain killers. Makes it difficult to converse. OK not really, these are not that strong at all.

Back to mom.

I feel so bad that I have to leave so early each night. I would like to stay latter until mom is completely asleep. Not almost there. I apologize to her each night when I leave. It would be the greatest feeling to finally say to mom. " I don't have to leave now, as I live not far away, now. So I can stay until you fall asleep." That would be the greatest feeling ever..........

I don't need much, or a large place. A bachelor suite is perfect for me. And even the shared accommodations in White Rock are in the $600.00 range.  For a room. Not going to happen. I am sure for a few dollars more I can find a bachelor suite. Again I don't need allot of space. It is just me, after all, and I am not home all the time. I don't even need cable. Just the Internet and I am set. OK I need just about everything for the suite. Except a bedroom suite, which I have.

I am sure y'all are tired of me repeating myself so I will let y'all go now.

Remember, my life is nothing without me looking after my mother. I am a waste of skin in other wards. And I will do whatever I can to make mom's life better. I do not eat the way I cook for her. Not at all.

I feel guilty that I can't do more for mom.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

I have chosen this life of servitude, taking care of mom. But would like some help occasionally. And is it selfish of me to also want some things.

The weekend Nov 23

Hello again

So I realize that the only good thing I have done and am doing is looking after my mother. Otherwise I am a total waste of skin. Other than looking after mom, I should not of been born. I have done and am doing nothing else worth while in my life.

Looking after mom is the best thing that I have ever done, with my life. Yea I have a good education, been married, no kids, did not really love my ex wife. Fell in love, but lost the girl because of my drinking. Go figure...

Again if it were not for mom!

So mom is having regular movements. But it is due to the suppositories she is getting. I am getting her to drink the tea. It is strong, which she doesn't like. I need to find a different tea with a better taste.

When I arrived mom was a little more awake today. Big smile on her face when she saw me. And ate, well it is the weekend and, as mentioned, she really doesn't eat as she should.

Nothing being done about the roommate issue. The lights etc... and the complaint department has not even bothered to return my calls. Will keep calling. Actually, I think it is time to contact the MLA of White Rock. Or the newspapers.

Got her into bed. OK, not me, but the staff. And gave mom her spa treatment. She loves this so much and looks forward to it each night. This way when I am done, I hold her hand until it is time for me to leave.

I have to say I feel guilty about spending money on myself. My own money I am speaking about. I feel I should be spending it on mom and making sure she eats well and dress's well. To make sure mom gets the proper supplements to keep her healthy.

Like the runners I bought, I needed them, because of all the blood I got on them. But each day I think the money could of been  better spent on mom.

Yet I will say that I'll never wake up believing everything I do for mom is a waste

I do need to raise funds for things for mom, though. I don't want to face it but mom is going to pass away sometime. GOD bless it is not for a long time. But she will. And I need to raise funds for a funeral.

Mom wants to be buried, with her husband, not cremated. As my sisters did with my dad. Even though dad was a vet and would of been buried without cost to us.

I have been in contact with the funeral home/cemetery where mom's mother and father are buried. I know what I need to raise now. Funerals are not cheap. It will be $25,000.00

I will try a fund raising site.

It is very difficult for me to even think of. It is absolutely depressing to me.

You know, I love my mother and am so glad of this opportunity I have been given.

I have to go, and start to write the message for the crowd funding site. And it is after 11 PM and I am hungry. It has been 4 days since I hurt my back and I can stand up straight, but I still hurt. And those days I could barely walk and stand up, I was not even hungry. I barely ate anything.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

I have chosen a life of servitude, looking after mom.

The pain boss

Hello again

Excuse me for not writing last night, at least I don't think I did, but the pain was so great from the day of carrying things out to White Rock and back. I have not been able to stand up straight. I just needed to go to bed. I had to take extra pain killers to be able to survive the day.

But today, I can stand up straight, but I can't bend over. Hurts to much. But getting better. People have told me I should go to the doctor and everything else. Yet no matter if I go to the doctor or not, the pain will still be there and it will go away in a few days or so. Just the way it is.

I do think I need to speak with my doctor about this, as it is twice in the last two months, that I through my back out from the simplest things

When I arrived today, mom was so tired, that when we went to her room to get the shampoo and gel, to wash her hair. And to wipe her mouth and eyes. When they give her medication they don't wipe her mouth. And the bright lights bother her eyes and mom forms sleet in them. This is how they look after the residents. NOT. Mom just pointed to her bed. She wanted to go to bed right then and there. But mom needed to eat.

Anyways, I didn't wash her hair yesterday, as I do, on Wednesdays. So no matter how much I hurt, I needed to get this done for mom. It makes her feel so much better. When I was finished, mom felt so much better.

Well mom was sleep eating again tonight. That tired.

I spoke with the Manager and she told me the same old same old. We can't do anything at the moment. We had a meeting about this. Other's want to move as well. Have to wait until the new year. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda!

I brought mom sushi this evening and she normally loves this and eats it all. When mom is this tired, it is hard for her to chew. OK, it takes her a long time to chew things. What she ate was the meal they served. Easy to swallow. She had a few pieces of the sushi, plus this 7 layer dip I have for her, with cracker chips. And her papaya. So really mom ate a whole lot, tonight.

I got her changed for bed, then the staff came in and put her to bed and changed her diaper. (Pad) as they like to call it. I got her spa treatment done. With great pain, though. And lowered the bed, so I could sit in a chair while I held her hand.

It is funny. When mom grabs my hand, her eyes close and as soon as I let go, her eyes open. Just mentioning this.

It still is a great feeling inside to know mom trusts me this much to let me feed her, with her eyes closed and to want me to just hold her hand while she falls off to sleep. Nothing can compare to this. Nothing at all. I am the luckiest person to be able to care for her like I do.

Anyways it is late again. Time to go. Once again, I am not hungry.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W.A. Schmuland

I have chosen a life of servitude, looking after my mother

What a day. NOT

Hello again

Well this morning while taking a shower, I bent over to rinse my hair and my back went out. Click, that was it.

It was painful to make mom's smoothie. But mom needs this so no amount of pain will stop me from making this or going to see mom.

I am still in great pain, it will probably last 3 or 4 days.I will walk bent over like I am 100. I will continue to take the bus to see mom.

Unfortunately, because of the pain I was not able to make mom a dinner. So I picked up some Chinese food for dinner. She ate the whole 3 item meal. Plus! And I don't see me being able to make her dinner tomorrow. So it will be cheese and crackers, dip and fruit.

The way to White Rock and back was not fun, and looking after mom was difficult. Again, I, no matter how I feel I will continue to go and be with mom.

Lets face it, mom is my life. And I enjoy every minute of it..

I slowly got mom ready for bed, even brushing her teeth was intense. WoW! The care aid got her into bed, I helped and we got her changed. Then the spa treatment. Mom only wanted her face done, but I did the rest as well and she got really upset. Can she ever give me a dirty look when she wants to. All there I say.

But standing there, holding her hand, after the spa treatment was very difficult. So I had to get the chair and do it this way. Mom didn't mind. As long as I was holding her hand, she didn't care. And mom holds on very tightly.

Just typing this, is bothering my back. But I don't care. This needs to be done. Only in my world, though.

I am getting more and more depressed as it is drawing closer to the holiday. I am worried about making mom's Christmas special. Getting her something nice. And having a nice dinner.

The home is having their Christmas dinner on December 10. A little early doesn't one think. So on Christmas day they get the same old turkey they get every week. So I need to make her a real dinner. Have to find a way of doing this.

My dad passed away in December and it gets to me, and I am sure it gets to mom as well. This is why it is so important for me to make this time of the year special for her.

I have been their every holiday for her since dad passed away. I don't have a Christmas. I am with mom and then come home to be alone. I don't know what a turkey dinner tastes like anymore.

Yes I said they are having their dinner on December 10, but I am to busy feeding mom to eat myself. That is the way it is. So I go without. It is more important for mom to enjoy herself, than for me to have a Christmas dinner.

I just would like to have something this holiday.

To just find a place in White Rock would be a great Christmas gift. OK, I would really like a proper TV, that I can use with my laptop. I don't need cable. As long as I have the Internet I am fine.

But these are just wishes!

Well I am in great pain and I am going to bed. I am not even hungry. I guess it is a good thing I have nothing. OK. I am going to eat some crackers. All I want and need tonight.

I took some extra pain killers. Don't worry, it is just Gabapenten. A mild nerve pain killer. Just takes the edge off, nothing else.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

I have chosen a life of servitude, looking after my mother

Well nothing

Hello again

Well the manager seemed to avoid me today, about our conversation of last week. I expected as much. I knew nothing would transpire from that conversation. This is why I have called the complaint department

So I made mom a beautiful dinner tonight. The roommate will take my things and throw them out. But not stuff for mom. So I had some things in the freezer which I use to make mom a pasta dinner. I call it Pasta Rizolli. Mom ate almost the entire plate, which was very large. It is great that she has such a good appetite.

I love that mom has dry wit and is sarcastic, still. You need a mind that is alert to be sarcastic.

I got her ready for bed and the care aid came in. This is one of the one's I like. OK I like most of them.

Mom is doing well,

It is the most depressing time of the year for me and all the shops with the Christmas music and all the decorations, is driving me crazy. It is only November and.......

I am starting to bring Christmas decorations out to mom's. Yes by bus. I have done this for years now. So nothing new for me.

I just wish I can do more for mom. Especially at Christmas time. I all ready know, I won't have anything. I just wish.....................................................

It would be nice if something really wonderful would happen this year for a change.

It is mom whom keeps a smile on my face. Because I don't want to be here. And I don't want to be here on Christmas day, well after I visit mom and come home to be alone again. For another holiday. You know Thanksgiving and the other holidays I don't care if I am alone. But Christmas, it is a different thing.

Anyways. I did moms spa treatment and just sang to her, held her hand and enjoyed the smile she had on her face while she held my hand, while falling asleep. She did, however, have to be woken up to be given her nightly medication, but tried to go back to sleep after wards. I am sure mom fell asleep after I left. Right away.

I finally wrote the newspaper about the story of a guy giving up crack for his dog. And how I gave up my alcohol and pot addiction to take care of mom and dad. Which I never could of if I was still drinking. And I lost the girl of my dreams.

As you can tell, I am not over her yet. I guess I would need to get closure to move on. Hell, as stated, she is probable married with children now. So I should suck it up and move on.

But I have no desire to date anyone, at all. I am just wanting to move closer to mom, so I don't feel so bad that I have to leave so early. Living closer means I can be their more often and stay later.

It is late again and time to go.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

I have chosen a life of servitude, looking after my mother

But would like some help.

A start to another week

Hello again

I want to start by reminding everyone that mom is completely dependent on everyone for everything. And I do everything I can for her. I just will not clean her private areas. But I have changed her a few times.

It was bath day today and mom was in bed when I arrived and was hot as usual. To many blankets on.

I  made mom comfortable and went and warmed up her dinner. It seems that mom is feeling better, stomach wise. I have been giving her the tea, which I drink some of, to let her know that I would not give her anything that I wouldn't drink or eat myself. Of course, there is a few things that I don't eat, that I won't deny mom from eating or having.

After dinner, which mom ate a very lot. More than I eat in a meal. I changed her and it was spa treatment time. She just loves this.

I have noticed that it is time to do her nails again.

I will be speaking with the manager tomorrow/Monday, about the situation with the roommate. I have written a letter recapping our conversation and will be giving it to her.

This week mom's leg rest should be in. Yet I already paid for them, but the points I will be getting won't be made available for another two weeks.

Isn't it when you purchase something, you get the points immediately. So I wrote Shoppers and explained my position. Hopefully this will be solved right away. It is over $100.00 worth points. Which I can get mom allot of things with.

But mom was changed early and I had plenty of time to just hold mom's hand while she fell asleep.

I have allot to do still and need to say good night to y'all

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

I have chosen a life of servitude, looking after my mother

It is the same as before

Hello again

So I spoke with the manager and guess what. It was the same response as with the last manager. We don't have any rooms available or we don't know what to do. I will have to check it out and get back to you.

This is exactly what the last manager said to me each and every time I complained about the roommate. So I am glad I phoned the Complaint department again today.

As mom was extremely tired when I arrived today. I go their early so I could was her hair. And then when I fed her dinner, her eyes remained closed. But I am glad that mom trusts me enough to allow me to feed her.

She did eat, but was almost asleep when I got her ready for bed. Then before I could finish her spa treatment, that was it. She just wanted me to stop and hold her hand while she fell asleep. This was OK with me. I didn't get to finish, but tomorrow is another day.

Still mom is constipated and I am trying to do what I can. Again since they keep giving her Tylenol all the time, it is going to be hard. I am feeding her foods with fiber, the smoothie is good for this. I just have to get mom to drink the tea ( poop tea) as I refer to it. It is a little on the strong side ( spices ). Have to put allot of lemon in it, sugar and milk. But she will drink a little of it, she needs to drink the whole cup. Not 1/4 of it.

So after the spa treatment, I stood their and held mom's hand. It is funny though, when she gets really relaxed her hand, that I am holding relaxes as well. But when I go to remove my hand, she closes her hand so I don't let go.

What I need is a hot water bottle as well, to place on her stomach. This will help relax the bowels. I love it when she smiles at me. Everyone see's this when I arrive. They know mom is now in the presence of someone who is truly their to care for her.

And my little rant. I am now seeing homes with their Christmas trees up. And I have nothing and no one. It would be nice to have something.

To find a place and furnish it. Including a TV.

I need to go, tired and still not hungry. I don't know how long I can go being not hungry. OK I do know.

GOD bless and good night

I have chosen a life of servitude, looking after my mother

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

Depressed and growing

Hello again

Yes that is right, my depression is growing with each day we draw closer to Christmas. Everyday, I walk through the mall, to get to the bus stop and more and more decorations are up. The entire Christmas village is now up and awaiting Santa. Come On, It is not even the middle of November.

Homes are already putting up their lights. Come on.

I get back to writing about this after I write about mom.

So mom was overly tired tonight, and I found out that the roommate was awake at 3 in the morning thinking it was breakfast time and calling for the nurse. Now is this anyway mom can get the proper rest she needs and deserves. I think not!

We all need proper rest, and most of us need to sleep in the dark,without noise. Not like this. And because of this, mom was, what I call sleep eating. It is when she is so tired that she can barely keep her eyes open, but trust me enough that she knows I am feeding her. But she, when in this condition, just overly chews her food. What I brought her tonight, mom loves and could not chew it properly. A shame, this is something she looks forward to when I tell her I am bringing it for her the next night.

So she ate the dinner they served, which is mostly pureed food. Easy to chew and swallow for her. Mom is still having constipation problems. I just have to keep getting her to drink the tea. The poop tea as I put it. And mom laughs at this .

I like the fact that mom has sarcasm in her. It makes me laugh and know mom is still alive inside. Her mind is still very active.

I asked the LPN about how much Tylenol mom is getting each day, and she is getting six of them a day. No wonder mom is plugged up. 1 Tylenol is 1 to many according to me and what I believe. She just said to me that if I want this to be changed I will have to speak with mom`s doctor.

Yes, I spoke with the manager, briefly, tonight, and asked what a good time to speak with her, is. And now know.  So I will go early tomorrow/today and speak with her about the roommate. I also will be calling the patient quality care office, as they have not phoned me back since I first called weeks ago now.

But I got mom ready for bed. Tonight I wanted to wash her hair but she did not even want this to happen. Usually, mom is running her hand over my hair letting me know that she wants her hair washed. But not tonight.

Three days in a row that mom has been overly tired.

So these are all the things that make me depressed that I am not living in White Rock. I get worried about mom. I need to be closer. I have found 3 places that are $650 - 700 a month. Very close to mom's. But they are just a little more than I can afford.

It is this time of the year my dad passed away. And it is this time of the year I really get freaked out about mom. I am worried all the time, every single day.

This makes me even more depressed. 3 places. I can go without food and things. I can manage this. But I just need a place. And here they are. Of course bills are extra. I don't need cable. But heat and lights I do need. As well as the Internet. I need to keep writing and publishing this blog. And this is the only entertainment I have. I get all of what I watch on line.

This is making me even more depressed.

My hearing is getting worse. I have chronic pain. All day, everyday. I have no way of getting mom anything for Christmas. And for me, that is a joke. There will be just coal in my stocking. Oh yea, not even this. I have so much to do and it seems overwhelming to me. I have to write all the phone calls I need to make, down, so I can at least be somewhat organized. If that is possible.

I am not even hungry lately, so I just go to bed. Watch a few things and fall sleep with the computer repeating what I was watching. Only to be awaken at 4 in the morning and then having a hard time falling back to sleep

I just only want to be living in White Rock. As mentioned I can go without furniture. Again, I have a bedroom suite, I need pots and pans and dishes, plus cutlery. Oh yea I do have one set of cutlery. I mean I have 1 fork,2 knives and 2 spoons. Good enough for now. I can get a plate and a bowl. So I guess I just need pots and pans. Oh yea, if I have no groceries I guess I don't need pots and pans. Right I need them to cook for mom.

But I am sure I can get everything from Craigslist.

I am going now. As I said I am not hungry again. I guess it is good that I have not groceries.

Pray for me, Help me please

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

The beginning of the season of dread

Hello again

Yes this is the way I think about the holiday season. And no I always don't think of it this way. The only family I have is my mother. And I am extremely glad for this. I spend all of the holidays with mom at her place. Then I leave and am alone.

I don't know what it is like to have a proper holiday as you do. Before I get to mom's and after I am extremely depressed. It is starting already. I am getting irritated that I can't be living in White Rock. That I have absolutely nothing. Including no friends anymore. They stopped calling because, once again, they don't believe I should be just looking after my mother.

They don't get it.


Yes I will decorate mom's room, making it look great for her. Not this place, though. Why! I don't even want to be here at all. I dread coming home at night. There is mold. The bathroom ceiling is starting to leak again. As it did before these new owners bought it. And they just put new dry wall up and covered it up. And now it is leaking again. I can't even have groceries in the fridge anymore. So I don't really eat much. I get up early and go to the store to get something to make for mom, for dinner.

I have to live in my room. Which is full of boxes and not very comfortable. When  I say I have nothing, I mean I have nothing. One pair of jeans, that fit, a few shirts. Not even a winter jacket. A few old sweaters. I had to spend money on a new pair of shoes, because the one I had where covered in blood, which I could not get out......

I have an old bedroom suite, a desk and this old laptop. A few other things.

I have lost everything because of my alcoholism and pot addiction I had. Yes it has been many, many years since I drank or smoked. But it takes a long time for our body and mind to get over the problem. No excuse, just reality. I am just starting to get my long term memory back. Being able to remember what I am reading.  As well as many other facets of my life back.

Now I am done complaining about my sorry ass self.

Well mom is finally doing better with her bowels. No thanks to the home. The smoothie is with a Vega one supplement. Which has lots of fiber. And I have this tea for her to help her along. It is not the best tasting tea, but we are getting use to it. I add sugar, lemon and milk. So mom has been drinking it. I drink it as well, to show mom that I would not give her anything that I wouldn't drink or eat myself.  Her belly is getting flat again. A few more days.

Now it is a matter of speaking with her doctor and getting her off Tylenol. There is other things that can be given to her for the pain. Less harmful.

Mom has been tired, no thank to the roommate who has been having extreme hallucinations lately. And the daughters don't even care that she is disturbing mom. Well they are only their twice a week for an hour each time. How would they know anything. But they do know their mother has the TV on all the freaking time, and the lights and then the freaking delusions. OK I am getting pissed off just writing about it. This is this Debby's fault. ( Name changed). I complained over and over again. But I am not a women, so this bitch calls my sister and tells her it is hard on your mother to be moved, or it is important that she gets the Tylenol for the pain.  Gender biased.

But mom ate allot for dinner and had a good dessert, plus her Poop tea and some earl grey tea. I got her ready for bed and she was lights out. Of course she has to hold my hand, and I love every bit of this. As I was feeding mom, she place her hand on my face. The sign she wants her spa treatment. And smiled at me. I lit up with joy. It is the warmest feeling on could imagine.

Now I must go, it is after midnight again and I need to go to sleep. OK, I want to watch two shows and fall asleep while watching them. I am hungry, but I am not. I have nothing anyways.

I just don't want to live here anymore. I need to be living closer to mom. To be their more for her and to be able to deal with these people face to face.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W. A. Schmuland

It is another day a good one

Hello again

So mom is back to being plugged up. This is what happens when she is pumped full of Tylenol.

So I started to put the Vega One supplement in with her smoothie, and I have a the tea to help her out. Mom just has to get use to the taste. I will just add sugar and some lemon.

But mom was hungry today. Not like yesterday, where she was so tired, she just didn't want to eat. Not even her chocolate. But not so tired tonight. She ate and ate. And plenty of her smoothie.

Please don't get me wrong when I complain about mom's roommate. It is not the roommates fault that she has these problems. It is the doctor and the staff's problem that they do nothing about it. It is this Debbie's fault that this roommate was put in the room with mom. Two different type of people. To different personalities. One quit, being my mother, the other, loud, intrusive, bothersome, delusional with hallucinations on a very regular basis'.

I fight for my mother and will always fight for her rights. I also have to fight for the things I need. But it is hard to fight for two things at the same time. So I have a choice and I will and do choose to fight for mom's rights. If I have the time I will try to fight for the things I need. As in my disability.

I got mom ready for bed, then just asked the care aid to push the button on the lift to get mom into bed. Again I am OK with this new arrangements, as mom is also changed at the same time and in bed before 6:30 PM. Good for both mom and I. This way I get to hold mom's hand while she falls asleep and completely relaxes. I have an hour of just holding mom's hand.

So this is the second weekend in a row that I was picked up by a women. This one was even better looking than the one from last weekend. Don't get me wrong, the women from last weekend was attractive.

But, I just don't have the time. And when I let them know, I am an unemployed caregiver for my mother, who is also disabled and has nothing. Well, at this point, they just politely say they have to go. And that is that. Or I just tell them I am to busy and what I mentioned above.

I did say that I have not had a conversation with anyone in a few weeks. Except for these two women. Sorry

This is just a distraction from my goal. And that goal is to give mom the best care possible. Believing in GOD, this would be the devil trying to take me away from my servitude of looking after mom. I won't buy it.

Anyways it is after midnight again and time for me to eat and watch something.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W.A.Schmuland