Hello again
I have not written since Wednesday as I have been really depressed.
I suffer from Clinical depression and anxiety disorder, OCD, Chronic pain. But the doctor tells me I am in a rut. Is suffering through this for 15 years a rut. I think not. I am seeing that he has no clue about depression. I have seen psychologists. I would not drive for years after a car accident PTSD and this is why I saw a psychologist. It helped. I was able to drive again.
It has been really bad. Before Christmas and is continuing. As I have been alone every night and have not even had a conversation with a single person, since before Christmas. I am not talking about saying hello to the nurses. I do, however, converse with mom. Other than that, no one. I am feeling very alone and depressed.
I just wanted a Christmas for once. And maybe a present. But I guess I am not worthy of any of this.
I already feel down on myself and if it were not for me looking after mom, who knows if I would even be around anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is being able to look after mom. I am thankful that I can do this. And so is my mother.
If it were not for me being their for mom, I don't think she would be around either. So it works out for the both of us. I think mom would of given up a long time ago. Being alone, and lonely.
I guess it would seem that we both need each other.
But when I get to the home were mom is, I put everything aside and put a smile on my face for mom. She doesn't need some sorry ass son, whining and complaining.
The anti depressant medication that the doctor prescribed is not very good for me.
I am not sleeping, nor eating.
After I buy my bus pass, I will have very little left over. I have no idea how I will make mom dinners, or get the fruit she needs or make her smoothies for the next week. Let alone feed myself. If I can just get through the week making mom dinner and getting her fruit, plus making her smoothies, I don't care if I eat or not. I just care if mom gets what she is use to .....
I can't even afford a new tip for my cane. It is worn out and it is wood on pavement. I am slipping all over the place. If I am not careful I will slip and fall and hurt myself even more than I am now.
Just getting to move to White Rock would improve my mood considerably.
Since Christmas, mom has been good. Eating well and allot. She enjoyed Christmas, is enjoying her Duvet and Cover. My sisters brought her some nice pants and a sweater.
I can't even write anymore. I am just not feeling well. I am tired and hungry and the way it is going I am not going to get either.
But mom is well and happy.
Tonight I wanted to leave a little early, but mom would not let me go. She has a strong grip. She wanted me to stay longer. Or at least until she was almost asleep. But I needed to leave. It ended up I left at the normal time.
It is OK though. I got home at a decent time anyways.
I am no longer going to wish for anything or even look at flyer's anymore. Not worth it. Nothing happens anyways
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
