Hello again
It was the Christmas dinner this evening and mom looked great. The outfit I bought for her looked good on her.
There were allot of people, all looking nice. ( Most of them I never see except for the dinner) But that is not a nice thing to say. When have I cared if I was nice.
But I am a very nice person. I just am very depressed
I feel guilty that I didn't dress up. Everything I own is way to large on me. I just wanted to look good for mom. I will make sure I am dressed up on Christmas day for mom. And I feel guilty about feeling guilty. Which is causing me to be depressed.
It was a pot luck dinner, plus Turkey and all the fixings. They served mom her usual minced meal, and I said no, mom will eat real food this evening.
So I went a loaded up a plate for her. And over time, mom finished the whole plate. OK minus the potatoes. Which she has everyday.
And no I did not get to eat. I am to busy feeding mom. I am busy. I don't rush mom. I am patient and gentle with her. If I had someone else feed mom, they would force her to eat quickly. This is not the way to enjoy your Christmas dinner. So I go without so mom eats properly. She held my hand the entire time. Which is usual. While she looked around. And finished the plate, plus dessert
I had a couple of nibbles here and there. But as last year I didn't have dinner. I have pasta left over from last night and will eat that when I finish writing this evening.
It was a nice evening.
After dinner I brought mom back to her room, expecting her to want some of her smoothie or her papaya or even her Lindor chocolate. Nothing! Mom was full.
I finished her spa treatment and held her hand for awhile, until it was time to leave. But not enough time. I apologized to mom for having to leave so soon. I like to spend at least an hour with mom, after I finish her spa treatment, each night. To let her fall asleep
Anyways I need to go, very tired and really need to eat something. Even though I am not hungry.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
