Where is this GOD that I believe in

Hello again

Well in 8 days I will be homeless

I have no funds to move

I have no funds to rent a place

I have no family

I have no real friends that would help out.

I have nothing.

I was given a 10 day notice to move.

I have no place to move into.

I have an apartment full of items and I can't afford a storage locker.

I haven't heard about my disability

I haven't heard from the subsidized housing

Thanks to my ex friend who moved out on me and left me stuck with the whole rent. Knowing full well I couldn't afford to pay the whole rent. I

I am going to be homeless in 8 days now.

I feel like going to a hospital and telling them I am going to kill myself.

This way I have a place to live.

HELP!

I AM DONE

My address is on one of my blog posts

Kris Schmuland

Stress up

Hello again

Yes it has been many, many days since I last wrote. It has been a very difficult time for me. One example is I have been not getting home until  10:30 or so at night. I have been avoiding the landlord. I owe so much back rent, I don't want to be at home, in case the landlord comes a knocking at my door. The worse part is that the weather out here in Vancouver is bad, really bad. Snowing like crazy, very cold, a strong wind chill. And here I am not wanting to go home, so I am just wandering around doing nothing. Sitting in Tim Hortons. a restaurant, walking around, sitting a bus shelters. Trying to stay out of the cold, but no luck. Being soaking wet and very cold. Not wanting to go back to my warm home.

I am so very sick and tired of not being able to be at home, especially in the snow, that I have had it. I have had enough. I can't do it anymore. I have no help from anyone, at all. Not a soul to speak with. And when I do find someone all I get is GOD will help you. I have been waiting and praying all the time. And I am still walking the streets until late, so I don't have to speak with the landlord. Who lives up stairs. My church is not help either.

I am so stressed out that I am not even eating much at all. Just enough to sustain me. I should be eating three times a day and it is just once a day.

I am so stressed out that I am extremely tired and just fall asleep during the second show I watch at night. Then wake up at 3 in the morning. Then I can't fall back to sleep for hours. And up at 7 am.

When I leave, I am gone until night time. 6 hours until I can go home, is what I have to tell myself Sometimes it is up to 8 hours that I stay away from my place.

I am so far behind in my rent, it is not funny. I just don't have the money. I am still waiting for my disability application to be approved. Still waiting for the subsidized housing to get back to me. They have not contacted any of my references yet. Because of the x roommate, I am in this mess. I only make so much and it is not enough to pay this rent.I am looking for a place everyday. Again no help from anyone. I am tired of this as well. No help from anyone. AT ALL.Someone help me. I can't take this anymore. To much.


I didn't even want to write tonight. All I wanted to do was go to sleep. Not even eating was on my mind. I have been throwing out things, because they have sat in my fridge for days. No good anymore.

So if you read this I ask you to help me

I would like to just be at home at night, without worry.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland
2242 152 street
Surrey BC
V4A 4 N9

It is just ending.........

Hello again

Excuse me for not writing. But, my right arm and the right side of my neck have been killing me. I can barely use my right arm anymore. My neck tilts to the right. I get a headache from holding my neck straight.

I cannot physically drive a car. I have been having difficulties even walking.

Then on top of this. I am about to loose my home. I am going to be homeless. And there is no  help for me. I have been calling around and calling around.

I applied for a subsidized housing, but that could take a  very long time to get. I have tired to find a room somewhere, but the insane people I am meeting with rooms and the prices are out of this world.

Still waiting for disability to  be approved. This will make my life allot easier. At least that way, once approved, I can pay rent until I find another place.

And yes everything is happening because of the accident. The doctor is sending me to specialists. I am getting an MRI for my neck and a surgeon for my shoulder. My right hip is messed up.

Now here I am, cannot work, about to become homeless, In constant pain. Cannot use my right arm, This is just because of the accident. Then there is the other problems I face. As well as the mental issues that come along with them.

I cannot give my mother a memorial service that she really does deserve. This is not about me or getting money for myself. It is about mom.

But the rest is about me. I am behind in my rent. I only get so much a month and it doesn't cover what I have to pay each month.

The insurance company doesn't seem to want to help out. I need to contact my lawyer and get him to get something from the insurance company. So I do not become homeless.

And the doctor has told me over and over again that I can't work. That we need to know what is wrong with your neck. If you are lifting anything, you could become paralyzed.

This is my biggest fear, my neck and becoming paralyzed. I where the neck brace all the time.

Help me out please. I pray for this.

I no longer have my mailbox, could not afford it anymore. So I rely on the landlord to give me my mail. Which is rarely. I have no mailbox where I live, it all goes to the landlords mailbox. Who live upstairs.

I am avoiding this place. I stay out until after 10 pm each night,so I don't have to see the landlord. I am not making any noise.

I can't even cook or clean for myself. right now, to  painful for me to do this. As well it is hard to cook when one is right handed and one can't use this arm. Very difficult.

If I do become homeless I have no where to put my belongings. It is expensive to put things in storage.

I am just extremely depressed and hurting.

I cannot draw or paint or sculpt anymore. Just writing a paragraph is painful. Typing is one handed now. Lucky I know the keyboard so well.

I really need help from someone.

https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile.

Please help out

Kristopher Schmuland

2242 152 st Surrey BC,
Canada. V4A 4N9

So here I am. I haven't written because I am afraid. Fear is eating me up. I have no one to talk to about anything I am going through. Not a soul to listen to me.

I am not a bad person. I just have immediate problems that need to be solved.

I wan to go back to school, but can't afford it.

I want to become a seniors advocate, need money to complete a few courses. OK a program at the Justice institute.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

Even the pastors at my church don't have anything to say or  can do anything about my problems.

One year..............

Hello again

It is one year today that my mother passed away. It has been a very stressful month for me. I have been thinking about mom, how I have not been able to give her a memorial service, which I wanted to give mom, for her year anniversary. But no, I cannot. I am beyond poor..

I have not been able to sleep well at all. Or even sleep period. I have gone days without sleep then I sleep for up to 24 hours. I am not sleeping and I have things to do the next day, so I stay up. Well at 5 am and not being able to sleep, but have to be somewhere at 10 am. I stay up, then try to stay up so I might be able to sleep that night. Without having to take something to help me sleep. If I do that I sleep for hours and hours and hours. I look a mess, huge circles around my eyes. Pale skin. Worn looking. Defeated looking.

This has been going on for the last month  and this last week it has been worse. I have not wanted to write about anything. Sure lots to write about, but I am so very tired, I can't concentrate. Today is no exception. But I needed to write today. Being mom's one year passing.

I feel I have completely disappointed my mother..  No service, no closer, no good bye. I have asked for help with this, yet I have not received any help what so ever. Another disappointment in my eyes's. I thought crowdfunding would help. I thought there were people out there who cared. Was I ever wrong. No one give a crap about me or my problems. Or I am asking for help to give my mother a service. A little help from a few people.

I am about to get an eviction notice and I have no place to  move to. My phone is dying on its last legs. No money for another phone. I have nothing.

I was hoping that my disability would of gone through by now. No luck with that. I asked. I was hoping that I would hear from the housing. But, again, nothing.

I don't know how much more I can take. Things are really bad right now. I don't even come back here until after 10 pm, The landlord is in bed by then. I just can't deal with it. At all. I will freak out. So I walk around, take a bus somewhere or just sit somewhere in the cold. Waiting for 10 pm. I can only walk so far before I have to stop and  sit. I can barely use my right arm now. Typing with both hands is  very painful  Which I am doing now. But painful.

I have been giving everything I have to the landlord and it is still not enough. It was the ex roommate that has caused this for me. I am not able to pay the full rent I wasn't going to anyways. Just half, now stuck with it all.

So I am not sure how much more I can take.

GOD bless and good night


Kristopher Schmuland

I really am just a very big

Hello again

It seems to me that I am have been a very big disappointment to everyone my whole life. Hell I am even a disappointment to myself. Every time I think I am getting somewhere, I turn around and ruin whatever forward movement I am achieving, by my actions or lack of action.

I am just extremely depressed of late. I am injured once again in an accident and it seems that I can't even do allot of things anymore. For now. I see my doctor today, this morning. Yet it really doesn't matter if I see him or not. Sure I will tell him what has been happening and what I can and cannot do right now. But it still doesn't help the fact that I will be getting an eviction notice at the end of this month.

Just can't pay all of the rent, behind and unless I get a financial miracle, I will continue to be behind in my rent for next month. I have given my landlord everything I have and more. I have sold everything I have to sell and it is not enough.

I have tried to get a job, I keep applying, even though the doctor tells me I am not to work. I have applied for disability, but no word on that yet. I am going this morning to drop off an application for assisted, subsidized housing. Who knows about that, only GOD. and it seems I am nothing but a disappointment to GOD as well.

The truth be told, the only good thing I have done in my life was to take care of and be there for my mother. That is it.


I just have no idea what is wrong with me. I know I am grieving for my mother's loss. One year at the end of this month, since mom passed away. And I am such a looser that I can't even give her a memorial service.

But that is not helping me from becoming homeless.

Whatever! I guess I shouldn't even be thinking that way.

Everyone tells me to wait for GOD. I am waiting and waiting. What is happening is that I am going further down the hole. I don't see any help.

So...................................

GOD bless and good night.

Kris Schmuland

If only I had a...........

Hello again

I am not sure if it is even worth writing still or anymore. I do it as I am use to writing and it is part of my life.

It is very  difficult for me these last weeks and it is becoming more difficult for me as it draws closer to my mother's one year anniversary..Just depressed. Just missing mom. Know that the home didn't catch the infection in time. even with my insistence that mom is ill. Wrongful death. And the home giving mom morphine after me telling them not to. Wrongful death

I am talking away to mom, I am thinking about her all the time. I am trying to find a group or more counseling.

I have no one to speak to about this. Even the pastors at church. They just don't get it.

This I need. Someone to speak with.

GOD bless and good night

Kris Schmuland

It is just not working out. pray

Hello again

Yes I am still having to type one handed, it just hurts to much to type normally... And I am having problems with my wireless keyboard and mouse. Need a new one. On top of everything else that is gong wrong.

I went to the ER but it would of been a 6 hour wait. Not for me. I see my doctor Tuesday. I hope it will be OK until then. It is difficult to cook. And I like to cook. It relaxes me. Just like ironing does. Weird or what. I want to bake a pie and some bread. To much work.

No answer on my disability application, I am hoping it is approved soon. And I need to get this application into the subsidized apartment. I have not been able to get in touch with my old landlord. I even called someone that lives there still to get the phone number. It is the same as the one I have. So I put his name down anyways and call him to tell him I put his name down. He was going to be a reference before,so I don't see a problem now. You never know though.

I am still behind in my rent I can't seem to find a place to rent that I can afford. Even shared accommodations in my area are to expensive for me. And here in lies another problem. I am relying to much on this subsidized place for my rescue. It was the church who sent me there.  ?So!

My mother's one year anniversary for her passing is coming up in a few weeks. I have been becoming increasingly depressed over the last few weeks. I have called a few bereavement organizations, missed there return calls. Need to try to get in touch with them right away. I need to see someone. Allot of people will say. It has been a year, so get over it. For me that is difficult. I need to accept this. But not on my own. I have no one to speak with. The grief counseling was not enough.

We all deal with death differently. I am dealing with it as well as I can. Taking care of my mother was my life. This is all that I did. Was travel back and forth to take care  of mom. And this is what I know I was to do. I felt it inside and I know it was GOD who gave me this gift. So that is what I did. I felt no remorse for doing it full time. It didn't bother me that I was not working and mom was my life. It still doesn't bother me. What is still bothering me is mom passed away. To early. The home should of caught the infection sooner. I blame them for her passing.

What is it that I am to do. I have searched and searched for employment, And no job. I have been injured again in a accident. This time, more seriously than I thought. I am freaking out because I am having difficulties using my right arm and I couldn't walk one day. It is still hard for me to walk. I needed to change arms with my cane. To support my right side.

Now I am going to this conference on Saturday, that is for individuals that are facing death or their loved ones or have faced this. An email just showed up in my in box telling me about this conference. I don't or have not subscribed to this organization.. It is free and an Online ticket. To weird for me. It is something I need at his moment in time. GOD to the rescue. I hope something comes from this.I need whatever help I can get right now and for the next while.

Please pray and help if you can

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland


https://www.gofundme.com/kirsschmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile

I don't know if it is real or not

Hello again

Yes that is the way I am thinking right now. I am experiencing something I have never felt before. Sure I have lost the use of my right arm before. But this time it is lower than it normally is. And I can't even pick up my tea cup with my right arm. And my hip, I have no idea about that. I have never, ever not been able to walk before.

My hip pain is a little better, but that could be due to the fact that I get use to pain very quickly. I can walk better, but not anywhere near as far as I could before last weekend. No idea what happened. I didn't fall, or slip at all.

Now life has thrown me a curve ball, Or life took my life away. It screwed me over. Life messed my life up.

I was doing OK, Sure I didn't have everything, but I had enough. I took care of my mother for many, many years, and lived an OK life. I loved what I did and would still be looking after her if the home hadn't murdered mom.  I did go out and did things. Than life took my mother away, gave me nothing in return. I was my mother's caregiver. I was a person who cared deeply for someone and made sure that my mother lived out the remainder of her life with grace and well loved.

Everyone kept telling how blessed I will be for taking care of my mother the way I did and for all those years. How wrong were they. Blessed in what. Blessed  in the fact that I will become homeless shortly. Blessed that I have nothing. Blessed that I am in more pain than before. Blessed that I have Parkinson's, Fibromalgia, Chronic fatigue syndrome, diabetes and so on and so on.....Blessed that I can't even give my mother a proper memorial service. Blessed that I can't bury my mother where her parents are buried. Blessed that I can't even afford a bus pass. Blessed that I have no way of doing anything. Blessed that I can barely walk now or use my right arm anymore. Blessed that I can't pay my bills, Blessed in the fact I go for job interviews and never get the jobs.

Blessed in the fact that it is going to be my mother's one year anniversary since she passed away and I am not even close to getting over it. I have realized that in the last few days. I am messed up. Everything is coming back to me. Her last days, no one around to even say goodbye to mom. Blessed that I have a family that wants nothing to do with me. OK I don't care. But it would be nice to have someone around that I can speak with.

Blessed that life screwed me over big time.

I have done everything I could do this past year. I needed to grieve. I needed counseling. I need to see another counselor I have not had a chance to properly grieve. You get a few sessions and than that is it. I am trying to find a bereavement group. But they are all just six weeks in length. Six weeks. Come on. It has almost been a year and I am realizing I am not even close to getting over mom's passing. I am  trying to reach out, but to whom. It seems there is no one there for me.

So I say, in my final comments this evening. LIFE HAS SCREWED ME OVER. There is nothing life has given me this past year that I can say helped me out. Not even a single person to talk to.Nor anyone to help me give my mother a memorial service. Or even help me out to get new dentures Or that I have no one in my life to love me. Loneliness is killing me slowly

https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher W..A..Schmuland

A different day of different pain

Hello again

Today is a one handed typing.

As I mentioned I went and volunteered at a community dinner yesterday. This morning I woke up with different pain, in different areas. My right hip was so very sore. And I could barely use my right arm. as my right shoulder is killing me. I can't pick up my tea mug with my right arm.

Church this morning. I left, walked down the street towards the church. The church is three blocks away. I got to the first set of lights and my right leg, right hip and my right shoulder, were and are, so sore, I could barely walk, the pain was so great. I stood there, for a moment. I couldn't go any further, I was in to much pain. I just turned around and walked home, very slowly at that. That was that. Getting home was very painful. I feel so bad that I missed church this morning, but I was and am to much pain.

This is new pain. I knew, or had a feeling, that there was and is something wrong with my right shoulder. Turns out there is. And this pain in my right hip is new. OK I had a problem with my right hip years ago.. But I was starting to walk without my cane. I went to all my job interviews without my cane. I worked those three days, at a job I lost after three days, without my cane. Everything was OK. No major pain. Not until this new accident is when I needed to use my cane all the time again. So now I have a hip problem as well. Again this is new and is directly related to the bus accident.


So my day was just lying on my back. I couldn't turn over on my right side, but my left side was OK.

Some friends, yes friends. I did say I have three friends. They were going to come over for dinner. I was going to make stuffed cannelloni. I do have, thanks to the food bank, most of what is needed to make this. They were going to buy the rest. But I called them and said that I couldn't do it. To much pain. I just would not be able to cook the dinner. Another time I said to them. It is true I wouldn't be able to make dinner.

I also didn't want to clean either. Or I couldn't do any cleaning. Not much to do, but enough that it would hurt to much. And they would not be able to make the cannelloni the way I would. They can cook but not as good as I can and it wouldn't work. I would want to step in and do it myself. The way I am in the kitchen. That you Mom for teaching me how to cook. Mom also taught me how to make bread from scratch.

Some one I know from the hospital where mom was, said to me I should start a company that specializes in cooking for seniors in homes. Binging them one or two meals a day. His father was in the same home as mom was in. This guy told me that everyone was impressed at what I brought mom each day. I didn't know this. I just cooked mom home made healthy, fresh as possible, meals each day.

Now I need to make something to eat for myself. I don't even want to eat, but need to. I haven't eaten anything today. My diabetes needs me to feed myself three times a day.

Not bad for typing one handed. Very slow, but OK.

GOD bless and good night.

Kristopher Schmuland

Please pray that I receive a financial miracle so I can pay my landlord what I owe him, so as I don't screw him over for rent, before I move. He has been very good to me, very understanding.  I don't want to move without having paid him in full. This is my biggest problem. Besides the fact it is mom's one year anniversary of her passing, coming up at the end of this month. And I wanted to give her a memorial service. Please pray that I am able to do this as well.

Thank you and may GOD bless you and your entire family.

Not all days are bad

Hello again

It was an OK day. I went and volunteered at a local community dinner. This I did at Christmas time. I enjoyed speaking with the staff and volunteers. But I didn't eat dinner as it was ham and I don't eat pork. I had a salad. I am waiting for my dinner now. By the time I finish this it should be done, having to take breaks and all.

As I was going there by bus, I was speaking with someone and this lady, beside us, just started freaking out and telling us to stop speaking about that. We were speaking about mental illness.

I arrived home at 9 and have been just sitting and then got bored. Out for a walk I went.

The one thing I have to say is I am extremely bored. I haven't been out of White Rock for a few months. I mean downtown Vancouver. I was just in Surrey today.  I am going stir crazy. It is almost impossible to just sit. Even though my doctor tells me to rest and don't do anything to harsh or difficult. But everything involves lifting and bending. But this is painful for me. Again, pain is just that, pain. I have had so much pain in my life that it is just part of my day. Doesn't mean I don't feel it deeply, and that is doesn't bother me greatly. Which it does.

I am so, I don't know, but I am getting emotional at TV shows I have been watching. Yes tearing up. It is weird. Well it is depression and it is coming out in an obvious way. I am messed up.

I can't keep paying this rent. I need a place that is cheaper. Which I might have found. I am not going to say to much I don't want to curse the plan.

I just ask that you pray that I get the financial miracle I need to pay up my rent. I don't want to screw my landlord over for past rent. I want to catch up on the rent before I move out. And I need cash to move.

But please pray I get this subsidize place and I get the financial miracle to pay all of the rent at the place where I now live.

Thank you for your prayers. I need them. I need to move this place is just sucking me down the drain. Thanks to my ex roommate moving out. Just throwing everything at rent and not having anything left over for even groceries. Thank GOD for the food bank, otherwise I would of been starving. But no bus fare or anything else  I can't even go for a tea with anyone. Well a new female friend. That is so bad that I can't even afford to buy this women a coffee. Pretty bad isn't it. That is the way I have been living for months now. And it is becoming really difficult. I feel that I am loosing it.

So please understand where I am coming from. And that is nothing. We all need to go somewhere.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

Normal

Hello again

Well today was as stated normal. It was not bad, nothing bad happened, It was OK, During the day nothing exciting happened. I just went to sources and applied for a few more jobs. I checked for mail at my mailbox, for the last time, I will going there tomorrow and turning in the keys. This is not a good thing. The only place where I know my mail was safe and I had access to it 24/7. Unlike where I live, I need to knock on the door of the landlord to even check to see if I have mail. "Is there any mail for me today, Is there any mail for me today, Is there any mail for me today." You see my point. It is aggravating to have to continue to do this daily. I need access to my mail daily. Without having to wait to see if the landlord or his wife are home. I am waiting for two important letters. Now I don't know if they are here or not. The landlord's wife was not around today when I was and when I got home this evening, they were in bed. They go  to bed at 9 pm nightly. Anyways, the mailbox was the best place for me to get my mail. I just don't have the minimum 3 months payment. $63.87 with tax. I will have to wait until I have some extra cash to pay for the mailbox again.

I made some calls to see if anything was going right towards my disability application. No answer,  they just don't know anything. I have to wait. 2 to 3 months. I called the advocate to see about getting in to speak with her. Needed to leave a message.

I went for a few walks, as well. I can only walk a block or two before I need to sit and take a break.

Now what does one do when they have nothing. No transit fare. I can't leave the White Rock area unless I walk. Again, I can't walk that far. If I stay at home, I will fall asleep. I can only watch so much TV and be on the computer for so long, before I get bored or fall asleep. I need to get out and about. I need fresh air to survive. I can't even sleep without the window being open. Typing is now difficult for me. It hurts my arms to type. So I need to take breaks while typing. I can do 10 minutes without having to take a break.

The good of the day was going over to a friends place and we watched a movie. I didn't have dinner, he usually goes out to eat and really doesn't have manners. As in making a dinner for us both. So my dinner is now in the over. Did that while I was taking a break from typing. The movie was not to bad. A little sad, but enlightening.

I didn't even get back home until 11:15 pm. And got down on my knee's and prayed, as I usually do at that time of night. Yes every night I pray. I pray that I receive a financial miracle. So I can catch up on my rent and pay the rent for next month in full. I am behind. By about $600 dollars. I only get so much a month and can only raise so much each month. Again, the roommate moving out, put me in financial ruin. I look for a new place everyday. It is difficult when you have no funds for anything. I have seen several places cheaper than this place. Still just out of my reach, financially.

So I know all of the above, and am aware of what I can pay each month, for now.

Now the day was normal. I didn't have any bad moments. A little stressed out at times during the day. The pain was just that, pain. It is something I am accustomed too. So normal. Yes I hurt more now, because of this accident, but it is still just pain.

No anxiety attacks today. A good thing.

And if you want to know. I never stop thinking about my mother. But now I don't usually burst into tears when thinking about mom. I still can't talk about her without chocking up and tearing. So I try to avoid this. Yet I can't. I want to but can't. Difficult isn't it.

I realize that there are not allot of people who have gone through what I have needed to deal with over the last 16 years.  So people just don't understand what I am going through.

There is only one person left as part of what I consider family. And the cousins moved her and I don't know where they moved her to and they won;t tell me. Isn't that shitty. I think so. This was mom's friend, my great aunt. Who I got along with, who I could talk with. But this is the way my family is. As you know. I am the bad one and I shouldn't speak to my own great aunt.

Really shitty! Shame on them for being like this.

I just want to visit her, bring fresh fruit and snacks to her, and talk about mom. Share some stories.etc,....

There is this women back east that I written about. I finished a letter to her. I just have to write it out. I believe a hand written letter is the way to go for a re introduction. Of sorts.

My thoughts for the day. My actions for the day. What happened to me for the day.

As I stated, Normal. For what normal is according to what my life is like.

Not bad, but not great. I did enjoy visiting my friend and watching a movie.

It is hard to walk around with absolutely no cash at hand.

It is time I eat something

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile

My needs are many, my wants are small

Worry and stress

Hello again

OK I am the first person to admit when I am wrong about something. I do it without reservations. So I was wrong about the church not assisting me. They did help me out with some of my bills. I do very much appreciate it. And I didn't even think they would help. I try to be positive, but when it comes to my life I have a tendency to view it in a negative way. This is how I have viewed my life for many years now.

I have been in more accidents than any five people combined, in my life. I don't have just one disease, but three major diseases. And associated disorders that go along with having trauma in one's life. Depression, Anxiety, OCD, extreme stress, insomnia, I need to walk with a cane. And damn it, I was just starting to not use the cane all the time, but this last accident has caused me to have to use the cane all the time again. Even within my own home. Not fun

So here I sit, with nothing to do through my days. I do still apply for work each day,. I walk down to the resource centre. I need to stop many, many times and take a break from walking. Still, if I do get a call for an interview, I don't have the means, this month, to get there and back. Isn't that just grand.

I really need to get out of White Rock for a day here and a day there. Even if I have no money for anything while out and about. As long as I have bus fare, I can bring snacks with me, a drink, tea and water. So all I need is to have bus fare and I can deal with my boredom. Which, in White Rock, is hard to deal with. Nothing to do in this town. The town shuts down at 7 pm, even earlier on the weekends.

So being lonely is very difficult for me. As I have said many times, I can deal with being alone, but being lonely is different.

Last night I could just not write, I was in to much pain. No sleep. I am very tired and hungry. I still need to solve my rent situation.

But my biggest worry is that I will not be able to give my mother a service for her one year anniversary.  It is upsetting me, since mom never did get the service she deserved. A memorial service. I am angry at my sister's for canceling the original service and not  being responsible enough to even suggest we do this together. Very selfish individuals. They want mom's money but are not willing to part with a bit of it to give their mother something that should of been done just after her passing.

And since we all went to the lawyer and signed all the forms for the will and probate, I haven't heard from them. Of course this was going to happen. Their greed is going to get them. I believe in a GOD of justice. Revenge is my saith the Lord.

I need to go and eat, Plus try to sleep.

|GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland

Everything is starting to implode

Hello again

Well so far I have not heard anything from anyone about what is going on. I have phoned, asked,wrote and still nothing.

My cable and Internet will be cut off by the weeks end. So I will need to go to the library to write this. If I can get on one of the computers.  But I will try. OK maybe I am just being to hasty about things going wrong. This is usually the case so I am acting the way I normally would act in these cases. Negatively.

When in doubt act the way I always do. This should be something I need work on. Guess what I am trying to work on this. I have been going to church again for the last several months. I am getting involved in another program to be able to speak on these issues. I am starting a program this week called Rooted, put on by the church. I have to speak to a pastor tomorrow afternoon about starting on Wednesday night

I have an appointment with a counselor at the Parkinson's society in Vancouver this month. No bus pass to get me there and back. Anther problem I face, No funds on my compass card to be able to take the transit. I need to got to Vancouver General Hospital emergency, better doctors and care, for my transit accident. I need to get to the New Westminster Court House to file a small claims petition against........., That is just this month. I can't go anywhere, at all. Again, no funds on the compass card ( Bus card)  I don't see the point in applying for jobs, no way to get to interviews, but I continue to apply anyways.  I am becoming extremely bored and restless. I just can't sit around. It is not in my nature to just sit. All I will do is sleep, being bored. I will not even have TV to watch at the end of this week.

I have been throwing everything, money wise, at rent, since my roommate moved out. I can't keep up. So everything else goes unpaid. The only thing that I have been paying, besides rent, is my phone bill. Need a phone.

I have even wrote a prayer line, seeking prayers for my situation.

I am not sleeping, don't want to sleep all day. I get up, shower and eat a little something. Then what. I can only walk so much, otherwise I develop extreme pain in my legs, neck and back. And all I can do then is just lay down. And there is really nothing to do in White Rock. I can't even get to the beach, I can walk down to the beach, then I need to take the bus up the hill. Can't walk it. So that is out of the question.

Nobody to visit out here. No friends and no one wants to make friends with someone that is poor as I am. Except other poor people. But I am rent poor now. And if I don't get something going right away I will be evicted.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmualand

https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile

I am just without knowing what the blank is going to happen....

Hello again

I could write last night as I needed to write something else and by the time I was finished writing this, I was in to much pain. So here I am.

I went to church this morning and it was good. I still have not heard if the church is going to help me out with anything.  I do hope so. I have many places to go this month and I don't have bus fare. This is where my bus pass comes in handy. And I did ask for help from the church with this. I am so tired of just sitting. I can only walk so much before I start to hurt. I need to go to the hospital in Vancouver for better care. Not great out here.

I hope I hear from the church with a positive answer tomorrow. Please GOD let it be so. I really need to get to these places this month.

That is what I did today. Except go for a few little walks. That was my day. Exciting life I have isn't it. NOT. My arms are very sore, my neck and back. Just getting up and down at church hurt my knee's  and back. But I got up and sang.

Now I sit, not doing anything. I do believe that by the end of the week my internet will be cut off. So I will try to get as many days as I can in before this happens. I just have to go to the library. But they are only open so late. I have been throwing everything I have at my rent and it is still not enough. So no money left for bills. Not even my house insurance.

So I have no idea what I am going to do. I need the internet for other's to get a hold of me. OK I have my phone. Not good enough.

Well I have to bring the keys back to my mail box this week.

I have to go now. Just stressed out and angry that nothing is happening. I am trying. Really I am.

GOD bless and good night.

Kristopher Schmuland

Maybe

Hello again

Just a wasted day. Couldn't go anywhere. Compas card is empty, no funds for the bus. Just to get out and do anything. I needed to go somewhere, I really needed to do this one thing today, but couldn't . So I am completely pissed off. Have to figure a way to get this done Monday, somehow. Someway. It has to be done.

I did walk down to my bank. 15 minute walk, and get the 3 months of my bank statement I need for the application to the subsidized housing I am applying for. Now I just have to wait for the letter from Revenue Canada. 2015 tax assessment. Then walk it down to the apartments. Please GOD let this be the one. It will only be 33 % of my income to a max of, well a very little, I think $400 is the max one would pay at this place.

But I do need to find a place ASAP. I just can't afford this place by myself. I am giving everything to the landlord and it is still not enough. I am going without everything. And so far I have not been able to find a place. I have been looking.

Now I need a job, the doctor tells me that I can't work, that I will injure myself even more if I work, Unless it is a job that there is no physical exertion at all. Which is what I am applying for. Still and as much as I can. I just walk to the office, of sources.

 Not sleeping, 0 sleep last night, 3 hours the night before. 2 hours Wednesday night. And so on and so on..........   The pain with all the other stress I am having, I just can't sleep...

Thinking about this, I haven't had a decent conversation at all this past week. OK I did see the counselor and spoke to the pastor. But this was not a conversation. It was me just trying to get some kind of help from someone. They both went well. Today I tried to find someone who I could have a conversation with .. Good luck with that.

OK I have a week left on my mail box, January 13, 2017. Then just the mailbox here where I live and this is a nightmare to get my mail.

As you may be able to tell, I am not making any sense at all.. Or maybe I am to some of you.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V4B0A7

https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile

A little better

Hello again

Yes things today are a little bit better, but it is still very painful to type. Yet here I am doing this that is causing me pain. Oh well. I have experienced so much pain in my life, that it is part of me. So I continue.

I was able to pick up an application for subsidized housing today, just down the road from where I am now. The difference being is that the pastor of the church sent me up there and I did mention to the manager that the pastor sent me up here. I have the application and as soon as I got back home I called Revenue Canada, to get a notice of assessment, for the application. I have the application already filled out, now I wait for the notice from the government. And I still have to go and get 3 months of my bank statements. It will be in within two weeks. Then I wait for an opening. But it might be as the old statement goes. It is not what you know it is who you know. Lets hope it is that way.

While speaking with the pastor, he tells me that the director of ??????? use to work in the industry that I need help with. Knows the contacts etc... Helping individuals such as myself, Poor, low income.

After this,some laundry, Didn't have time to dry it, so now it is in the dryer. It will take a very long time to dry. Being an apartment size dryer, 110 volt. Slow.

I did call this other place, but they no longer have subsidized housing, as of three months ago.

Then off to my counselor, It was a good discussion. He mentioned that I should do some volunteer work to get out of myself and help others as I helped my mother. An idea, a good one. I have so much stress and pain right now, I don't think I could be of any good to someone else.. I need to find a cheaper place to live. No thanks to my friend who moved out on me one month after moving in. So now I am just screwed. Excuse me, please. I need to figure out how I am going to pay the rest of this months rent and half of next months rent. I am just hoping that my PWD kicks in this month.

I am still looking for work and I have not even had a call in over a month. Nothing at all... And I sent off a dozen resumes over the holidays. Yes I know the doctor tells me not to work. I have to do something to get some income in right away. I mean right away.

The only reason I was able to get around today, is someone gave me some bus tickets. OK the church and my landlord. I have enough bus tickets to get me to where I need to go tomorrow and back to White Rock again. No where else. Sad, isn't it.

Overall the counseling appointment went well...  I thinks. I was and am so very tired right now. No sleep again last night. Hardly any the night before. I don't need to go through this insomnia again.

I need to stop again.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
Whtie Rock BC
V3A0A7

https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland

https://www.gofindme.com/anewmesmile

Come on now....... It is just nonsense

Hello again

I really can't deal with all the things that are happening to me at this time. The pain alone from this accident is really bothering me. The best place for me is lying down flat on my back. This produces the less pain. But we all know I just can't lie there all day long and have to get up and move, do things, get places. Oh getting places. I have an appointment this Thursday and I have no way to get there. It is in North Surrey, and I live in South Surrey. A long way to walk if one can't take the bus or drive.  And due to this accident, I cannot drive. I just can't hold my arms in the position to drive, Just as it is very difficult to type. Almost the same position, but my arms are not as high. This kills my back and neck. I just realized today that my shoulder needs to be up higher. So I feel that my shoulder was injured in this accident.

I am now having a difficult time using my right arm again. This due to my shoulder being down to far or something wrong with it. I was just trying to do something, put spice on something, with a grinder and my shoulder and arm just failed. My right arm is shaking like crazy, making even difficult to write this post.

Another day, of nothing, Allot of calls and I kept getting I will need to call you back, or leave a message, or they are not in right now,, leave a message and we will get right back to you.

The church that I attend said they would help me out with a few things, but no call back or nothing. The one pastor said he would call me back to discuss things. Even the pastors don't know how to deal with someone who has so many issues at once, or illnesses. Again no one wants to speak to me. I am just garbage, that is the way it seems.

And now again I am really needing some help. I pray for help I call around to get help. I am even still applying for work that I think I could do, without lifting things. I haven't stopped looking for work, even though the doctor again told me not to work. I don't know what I am suppose to do now.

As mentioned, once you get injured, you don't get anything from ICBC, which causes one to have to go on welfare, You can't live on it, so you settle early with your claim and you don't get a quarter of what you should get for your injures.

So here I am again, desperate for help again. But I am no where ready to settle,, I am to injured for that. I need medical help. Right away. Or I am afraid that something serious will happen.

I just can't write anymore tonight

GOD bless and good night.

Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada,  V4B0A7

https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile

Let me continue with What day...;.

Hello again

Today I start with this;

Most people in their lives are only in 1 maybe 2 car accidents. That is in their life. Me, on the other hand, have been in over 10 car accidents. 8, yes 8 of them, I have been injured. People think that I received allot of money from them. Not so. You  see once your in an accident, the doctor tells you that you can't work. Now what! One has to live somehow. Yes if you are working at the time of the accident, ICBC, will pay you up to $300 a week. That is if you are working. Now if you are still injured and trying to recover from the previous accidents, you get nothing. Social services here we come. Welfare. And one does not get even close to enough to live on... I go to the food bank, I try to get help where I can. But still I am not making it, at all.

The roommate moves out and I am stuck with the whole rent. And it is difficult to find another place to live, especially at this time of the year and one is on a limited budget. Being poor is what I am saying. Something that is affordable.. That is a laugh a minute. So I have to live with someone. A stranger and your stuff is not secure, protected from the new roommate. A stranger is what you end up living with. So now one needs to put their stuff in storage. There is $!50.00 a month. Minimum. Depending on how much stuff you have...

So I have been injured in all of these accidents. One of them I fractured my L3,L4 and needed wear a back brace for over a year and a half. A brace that consisted of a hard plastic back, that went down to below my butt, and in the front, was what a girdle is like. Tied up and uncomfortable. The only thing I am glad about is that I was not paralyzed because of this injury

Another I lost the use of my right arm for almost a year. because of long thoracic nerve damage. My shoulder blade wings outward. Just swollen and painful. So I had to become left handed. A difficult task if one is right handed. Now everything I do,  I automatically reach and do things with my left arm. My right arm does not function like it did.

Still another accident I broke my collar bone, but the doctors told me that nothing was wrong. It wasn't until afterwards, after I settle, that I find out it was broken.

Then another, I separated my shoulder and again, there is nothing wrong. But now I have a huge calcium build up on the top of my right shoulder, stopping me from lifting my right arm up over my head.

And whiplash, back problems from others. Plus, plus plus.......... other injures. I would need pages and pages to describe everything that has happened to me because of car accidents. I will do just that if needed.

Now this car accident. I injured my neck, I can't lift my neck without it going to the one side. I instantly get a headache and the start of pins and needles through out my body. Legs, arms, back and hands. I hurt my back, it is difficult, OK extremely painful to lift anything. Because of this I cannot lift my arms up to the reading position to read a book or use my phone. I can't lift my arms up to the 10 and 3 position to drive a car. This gives me an instant headache and back ache. Just can't do it. I have difficulties sleeping, making food, and even cleaning. bending over to pick things up. I did say I made a full on turkey dinner on Christmas, which I ate myself. What did happen was at the end I had pins and needles through out my entire body. I need to wear this neck brace, but it is not the one I need. I wear it anyways. It does help out. I know what I need.. I just have to find the right doctor. So this time I am not going to just accept the normal.. " Everything is fine,from the doctors" I know better. Having pins and needles through out your body is not fine. Headaches all the time is not fine. Can't lift anything is not fine.

Let us now speak on the other issues, what I have been diagnosed with. Now most people will only be diagnosed with 1 or maybe 2 of these. Mostly 1 of these diseases. Not me, just like the car accidents. Many at a time. Can you understand now, why I say that I don't know how long I have left, that life is trying to kill me. One good thing is I haven't let it do so yet. This GOD gives you only what one can handle in life. I have had enough. I am at my wit ends, I don't think I can handle anymore.

First off I have Parkinson's disease. The onset of Parkinson's disease. I have what they call an essential tremor. My right hand shakes and I have a problem with my walking, gait. This is a terminal disease. I will die from this, a horrible, painful death.... I don't have the space or time to write everything down about his disease.

Then Fibromalgia. a nerve disease that causes pain through out my body.

I was diagnosed with Osteopinia,15 years ago.Years before I should every have this, I mean at least 30 years before I should every get this A bone disorder. That causes soft bones, easily to break. This has caused me to loose my teeth. This is why I have dentures. And the rest of my bottom teeth have broken off leaving me with missing teeth. I don't and can't afford to replace the dentures with new ones that will fill in the missing teeth. I also need to have surgery to remove the teeth that are impacted, before I can get dentures. I have broken allot of the bones in my body already,  most of my fingers, both wrists,

I now have diabetes, Type 2, easily managed with a proper diet. This I cannot afford either.

I was born with Spina biffita occulta. A space between the vertebra. The doctors have always been surprised that I was able to play all the sports I have and not of been seriously injured.

The doctor also tells me I have chronic fatigue syndrome. That is why I am always tired. Or maybe I just can't sleep, so this could be why I always look tired.

I have no spleen, this was ruptured when I was 5 years old. I needed to have it removed. I had staff infection from the first operation, so I needed to be operated on again. This time I died and was brought back. So I have died once already in my life.  Having no spleen is suppose to cause me to get sick more often. More than a normal person. I get these different shots every 5 years. But I just don't get sick. I mean at all. A good thing.

Then there is the fact I spent over a dozen years taking care of and looking after both my parents and the last 12 year looking after mom. The weirdest thing is that while looking after my mother, my life was OK, I didn't have much, but enough. What was left I spent on mom.

This, as I have mentioned over and over again, was the best years of my life. The absolute best years. I enjoyed taking care of mom. I was given a gift from GOD and the best gift anyone could every of been given. I managed. So I was poor. I had people to speak with. I had a life. Some say it wasn't a life. No social life. I was OK with that. I was doing something for someone else who needed me to help them. I never complained and I never will. If the hospital would of caught the infection in time, mom would still be alive. I do need and will file a wrongful death suit against the home. First I need to get myself together. So I spent 16 years of my life doing something that I was suppose to do and did it without reservations. I just did it, because it was what I was suppose to do. Honour your mother and father. Be there for them as they were there for me. PERIOD!

There is allot more going on with me and wrong with me. But I just can't write anymore this evening. I need to eat something. Being midnight, my time.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V4B0A7

The above address is only  good until January 13, 2017 My mailbox, That I paid for last year at this time. A year at a time. Just can't afford it right now. The only way I get my mail regularly was having this mailbox. Where I live, I just don't get my mail on time. It goes into the landlords mailbox and I have to wait or continue to knock on their door. But they are not home all the time. So if I am getting something today, it will take me at least three or four days to get it from the landlords, if I get it at all. I am already missing some mail. Even if it is extremely important mail. Cheques, forms etc....

Then the landlord complains that I haven't done this or that. I don't get my freaking mail.

All I want is to have some kind of life without so many of these problems. Well to late for these, I already have them.

Just a life where people don't think I am garbage, won't talk  to me because they think they might get what I have. Someone to be there for me when I need someone to talk to or just be actually touched. I miss having a girlfriend, it has been over 20 years since my last steady (more than 2 months) girlfriend. Yes, that is the absolute truth. Over 20 years. I am very lonely and alone.


https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile

What day

Hello again

I have no idea what I am doing. Does GOD want me to work right now. It doesn't seem that way, but if I don't work I don't live in a home. I become homeless. This is something I can't deal with. It is hard to deal with all the illnesses that I have, let alone moving again. Especially since I can't do the moving myself. I can't lift anything. Just making dinner tonight caused me to have pins and needles in my arms and face. My neck is just killing me lately. I think going downtown in the cold and snow has had some serious affects on me.

All I did today is just think back, taking care of mom and it being easy. I lived, not well, but I lived, I had  somethings. I have more things now, but they are just things. Easily replaced. Well not that easy to replace.

I can't seem  to sell the little I have left to sell. Everyone wants something  for dirt cheap. I can't sell my things for that cheap...

I am looking for another place, not being successful at doing this.I am happy here, if only I had a job, my disability, anything.

I did nothing today, except go to church. I spent allot of time just walking around, resting and walking again. Nothing else to do and no bus fare to get anywhere. The problem with this  is I need a bus pass for this month. I have so many appointments to go to. 8 that I know of so far, maybe more. Plus support groups for the different aliments that I have. I need someone to speak with. My pastors don't seem to want to speak with me, but they want me to stay at the church.

The one thing I feel like is I am garbage,that people look at me as I am just a piece of nothing. Nobody wants to speak with me, nobody wants to touch me. What I have is not infectious. People just want to avoid speaking with the poor person who has nothing, is nothing and nobody wants. I haven't been touched in a very long time. Sure the placid hug, but to really be touched and cared for by someone, this never happens to me.

I feel that I don't have much time left,I am not trying to kill myself, I think life is trying to do this to me.  I just don't know what my future holds.  Nothing goes right in my life, even thought I try and try and try. The only good thing I have done is take care of my mother. I have no idea why this is happening to me. I haven't done anything wrong. I try to be good to everyone. But I am alone and it seems this is the way it is going to be. Without anyone to even bother with me. This is the way my life is. No one even bothers to speak with me, as if I am a piece of garbage.

I need to go again.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland
#409-15216 North Bluff Road
White Rock, BC
Canada, V3B0A7

https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland

https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile

Happy New Years y'all

Hello again

Let me tell you about my new years eve. First of all I was invited by my friends, the couple, and another couple with them. There was another person I know, out here in White Rock, as well. So I met up with the guy here in White Rock to go downtown together.

He was 1/2 late meeting me. I was standing in the cold while it was snowing like crazy. So I froze while waiting. Downtown we went. The bus was ride was OK, lots of snow coming down. Thank GOD the bus had it's own lane, as there was a traffic accident in the car lanes. The bus just went right by the accident. A good thing. We arrived downtown and the plans changed, we are not meeting everyone at a restaurant. All knowing to well that I am a very poor person. This is one thing that made me upset. Instead of going to the restaurant and watching everyone eating I should of just said I will meet them down at the waterfront. Not fun for me. Then we get down to the waterfront and no one knows what is happening. I did. At the same time, I am hurting, my neck is killing me, I am experiencing pins and needles through out my body.

We found a spot to see the early family fireworks, then the guy I went downtown with takes off. We tell him to meet us back here. The fireworks, that is another story. They lasted no more than 2 minutes. I am very serious about that. It takes me longer to smoke a cigarette than the fireworks lasted. Now I was not doing well, I waited for this guy to come back, the couples were around as well. So I am standing there and this guy walks right by my, 2 feet infront of me and he sent a text message saying where are you guys. The couples decided to go to this other spot and  check it out.  I tell them I am  leaving, I need to ear, I am hungry and hurting. But, being a nice guy,  I decided to wait to see if this guy would come back, 15 minutes I waited and no  show. That was it, I couldn't take anything anymore.

I left and found a washroom. Then off to the train and bus to get home. All I received while on the bus was text messages. I didn't answer any of them. Period. Wasn't going to happen.

So here I am, at home, I arrived 45 minutes before midnight and turned my computer on, started to type this. Remember, it takes me allot of time to type these posts out these days, many breaks. Now 12;38 still haven't eaten yet, waiting for it to cook.

My mistakes was going to begin with. Knowing I was in pain. And knowing I had no funds to do anything, but walk around. Which, thinking about it, I should of just gone by myself. Would of been much better. Or just stay home. Yea I wouldn't of done that, I would of went somewhere.

Now I am in extreme pain and the pins and needles are all over. My neck is really bad and I am having a difficult time typing this. But I persist.

Behind in everything, Don't know what I am going to do. No word yet on my disability application. Can't find another place to live. No help from anywhere.

My life seems to be going down the drain and quickly at that.

I need to eat before I pass out. and I need to get up at 7 am to get to church for 10 am. If I even sleep at all.

I should of stayed home and talked with mom, at least we could of got caught up. Would of had a better time.

GOD bless and good night

Kristopher Schmuland


https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland

htts://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile

Please pray and if you can offer any assistance, it would  be appreciated

Happy 2017 to you and yours